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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU mothers do not have to stay at home?

66 replies

Bluebell84 · 03/02/2015 20:41

whem DS1 was born I went back to work at 6 months, when DS2 was born I went back at 4 months (I was in uni two days a week)

now with DS3 due in July I will take 3 months (while I do my dissertation) and go back. I have my placement to finish by December 2015 and my MSc starting in January.

I have always earned more than hubby, although now with placement he out earns me but when I qualify I would out earn him- i would not be happy to step back but I know many women allow themselves to be dependant on a man

is is selfish to want to progress in your career and not compromise?

are working ambitious mothers worse ?

I had a mother who was smarter than my dad who had to stay at home to raise my brothers and me and she was very resentful, think she felt she could have been the head of her field. when she returned to work management was taken over by people younger than her and she felt very demotivated

is it unreasonable for a woman to want to progress more than the man? has anyone here been the main breadwinner and earned more than DH??

OP posts:

hmc · 03/02/2015 22:12

OP has not been back

Aretepetite · 03/02/2015 22:12

Of course mothers don't have to stay at home, hopefully they have a choice and support in whatever they choose.

Norfolkandchance1234 · 03/02/2015 22:14

morethanpotatoprints · 03/02/2015 22:16

Do what you want, parent how you like, don't sweat about who earns what, fools are governed by money, no matter what qualifications they have.
Have some fun, you're a long time dead.

drudgetrudy · 03/02/2015 22:16

Do what you like but try to stop making veiled judgments about other people's choices.
No-one else is very interested in whether you work or stay at home apart from you, your partner and your children.

Mintyy · 03/02/2015 22:17

Why do you keep having children when you've got so much else going on in your life? How old are you? How long have you been on Mumsnet? Have you ever read one of the 10,000 wohm vs sahm threads on here? have you got an original thought in your head ?

fredfredgeorgejnr · 03/02/2015 22:18

I've heard many people describe career progression as "selfish".

I find most career progression a pretty selfish act, in that you do it because it makes you happy, of course it's the sort of selfish act most partners can really get behind because it makes the other person happy.

Some career progression can also be tough on the rest of the family, especially if you're too focussed on it, but that's rare.

None of it is a mother / father issue though.

zeezeek · 03/02/2015 22:22

I think you sound a tad insecure OP, to be honest. I have a PhD and a fairly high flying academic career in a Russell Group University. I also realise I'm fucking lucky that my DH - who is over about 20 years older than me - was willing to step back from his equally high flying career when we had the kids. Him being the primary stay at home person has made life very easy for us financially and emotionally.

I can't, tbh, say that if he hadn't done this then I would have sacrificed part of my career - because I don't think I would have. We would have just found a different solution to the problem.

The crux of the situation, however, is that we are fairly well off and had those opportunities open to us. Neither of us have ever earned less than childcare would have cost. That's not the situation with many parents.

Some parents chose to stay at home with their children. Fine. That's a choice that we have in this world. It's not mine and it's not yours OP, but I can see how it could be someone's - especially if there are SN involved or their partner is away for work a lot.

I am, however, a firm believer in the fact that if you are going to have children with a man, then you need to be married to him. This isn't because of any old fashioned morality - but more the protection that a woman would get if that relationship broke up - especially if she has been a SAHM. Obviously, the converse is true.

I have 2 DDs and 2 DN and 2 DSD and the only advice I have ever given any of them is never to rely on a man for money.

bakingaddict · 03/02/2015 22:23

Life is too short to give a shit about other peoples' lives...that's my mantra

DixieNormas · 03/02/2015 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

123upthere · 03/02/2015 22:25

Life isn't perfect. Sounds like you're competing with 'hubby' & also in so e way your mother by proving that you can have 3 kids and work. Life is not a competition.

Original poster

Bluebell84 · 04/02/2015 20:18

thanks for the positive comments ...

it's not about earning more or out doing DH but we both earn and enjoy our careers

we had children because we wanted them and we love them. abortion was never an issue, but they were unplanned- got pregnant with DC3 on the depo Injection!! was hoping to have finished studying by then but it wasn't to be :(

OP posts:

timer · 04/02/2015 20:21

Lone parents have no choice except to be the breadwinner.

Otherwise there ain't no bread!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 04/02/2015 20:56

It's your choice to work and it's a SAHMs choice to stay at home. No right or wrong though I feel sorry for those with no choice to have to work.
It's none of your business. You dont know the circumstances of others, so you have no right to judge.
So yes on that basis YABU.

geekymommy · 04/02/2015 20:58

It's hard to be a parent and progress in a career. Some families handle this by having one partner quit work and stay home, some handle it by having both A and B work, but B's career is secondary to raising children. I think it depends on the personalities, strengths and weaknesses, energy levels, earnings, and career fields of the parents. I don't think gender should really figure into it, but some people would disagree.

I don't think there should be a simple algorithm for determining who stays home and who works, whether that be man works woman stays home, higher earner works lower earner stays home, or whatever. But not everybody comes to me to ask how they should handle things in their family, so that's just my opinion. I'm not too sure I would like it if they did all ask me.

Whatever you do as a parent, somebody, somewhere, is going to be unhappy about it and complain about it (See also: vaccination, co-sleeping, corporal punishment). You can't live your life to avoid people complaining, because somebody will complain no matter what you do.

morethanpotatoprints · 04/02/2015 21:01

Yes, OP some people are dependant on their husbands for lots of things.
DIY, sorting the oil on their car, decorating, shared childcare, parenting, some or all of their income to pay bills etc, sex, companionship, I guess the list goes on, whether their partner works or not.
Your point?

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