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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to potty train. I just don't. Completely U, I know...

107 replies

MaebyF · 03/02/2015 13:58

DD has just turned 3. We haven't tried potty training as she's not shown too many signs of being interested, and we also don't have a baby so changing 3-4 nappies a day has hardly been an issue. Even the CM hasn't thought DD is massively ready.

Now we have a long weekend ahead of us with no plans and it does seem a good opportunity to give it a go.

But... but... I just don't want to! I know she needs to learn at some point. I know that every parent goes through it at some point. I just want someone to wave a magic wand and for DD to be trained already Grin

Seriously, do I have to stay in all weekend? Or can I least sneak in a visit to soft play in the morning and then do a few hours at home? And football classes on Sunday morning? One place I read says you can build up and mix and match nappies and pants, another place says you have to do just pants for all the time they're awake...

Can someone else come and do this for me?

OP posts:
SomethingOnce · 03/02/2015 20:55

"Children grow up automatically. You just have to hold your nerve and let them"

Succinct and sensible advice, Hakluyt's mother - we need fridge magnets!

Hakluyt · 03/02/2015 20:59

I wish I could say I followed her advice! But I think having it in my head held me back sometimes.

Pengyquin · 03/02/2015 21:04

I found it quite easy tbh.

3 months later, we still have our odd moments, but generally all is fine.

If we're going out, and I can get her to have a big wee before we go, then it's knickers. No problem. But if she's refusing, and I'm in a hurry< i will put on a pull up. But she has only ever wee-d once in a pull up!

It's more for my feeling of security than hers!

Still use nappies for naps and bedtime. She's 2.3

SummerHouse · 03/02/2015 21:05

Rider: the hakluyt "hold your nerve" principle does not apply when they want to wipe their own bum at 2.

Shakey1500 · 03/02/2015 21:12

Each to their own obviously but I could never see the sense it "training" them to use a potty only to undo it and "train" them to use the toilet Confused

DS was also 3, hurtling towards pre school. Started late (Aug!), plonked him straight on the toilet with one of those rubbery, hold onto kids toilet seat. Stack of pants/shorts on the side. Think it was about 2 weeks all in all.

Bunbaker · 03/02/2015 21:19

"Each to their own obviously but I could never see the sense it "training" them to use a potty only to undo it and "train" them to use the toilet "

Because in our last house the bathroom was upstairs and it was just easier to whip the potty out than take DD upstairs when she was bursting to go.

TattyDevine · 04/02/2015 07:54

Whatever you decide, can I just add, in my experience anyway (mine were both done by 2 years 3 months if that is relevant) - with my 1st I thought I'd be having to constantly be reminding him to wee but in actual fact once they realise they aren't in nappies anymore and break the habit of weeing just whenever (because they have a nappy) they don't wee any more often than you do (or thereabouts) - how long between wees do you go? 2 or 3 hours? So if you do have to remind them, that's how often. For me anyway.

So you think football club or soft play or whatever might be a problem but in actual fact as long as you are a couple of days in with reasonable success at home, if they've had a wee before you go, and you ask them say once when you are there, you probably will be fine.

Once I realised this with the first one I didn't keep saying "do you need a wee? Lets try and do a wee!". I just held my nerve and trusted that if I didn't need a wee, having done one when he last did, then he probably didn't either.

valrhona · 04/02/2015 09:02

Left it late to work with dc1 : bit of a nightmare & took aaaages. Went for it just after 2nd bday with dc2, sorted in no time and went onto toilet in less than a week.

Mrsjayy · 04/02/2015 09:11

You don't need to stay in it won't happen over a weekend I have a bit of an issue with this showing signs thing but wont rant much you need to put a bit of effort in get her pants and use the nappies for going out don't bother with a potty put her straight to the toilet for a try every few hours it will be fine now stop whining Grin and get on with it should take 2 weeks tops

FamiliesShareGerms · 04/02/2015 09:18

Yup, straight to toilet, but lots of pants, take time off / cancel activities, get it cracked in 2 days

If not cracked in 2 days, take a break and try again in a month or so

Tokelau · 04/02/2015 09:20

Sorry, I'm very lazy and haven't RTFT, but I wanted to say that with both of mine I did the mix and match thing when they were 2ish, and it was easy, no confusion at all.

I let them choose their own pants from the shop and bought pull ups too. I put them in pull ups in the day and encouraged them to use the toilet, but if they forgot and went in the pull up there was no problem. After a while they would want to wear proper pants, which we did at home, but sometimes used pull ups when out, in case we couldn't find a toilet quickly.

Some of my friends used to say that they were taking a week off to potty train their child. I think it's too much pressure for the child to do it in that set week.

My DC wore their pull ups as long as they felt they needed them, and they told me when they didn't need them any more. Both were trained by two and a half with hardly any accidents.

BarbarianMum · 04/02/2015 09:26

"Children grow up automatically. You just have to hold your nerve and let them"

I'd be interested to know how many people use this philosophy for other aspects of child rearing - table manners, sharing toys, getting dressed, helping to tidy up after yourself etc Grin

Original poster
MaebyF · 04/02/2015 09:35

valrhona - I'm slightly worried this is what we've done. There have been loads of things we've been waiting for DD to show signs and she hasn't, even though she is clearly ready!

I'd prefer to just go straight to the toilet but we only have 1 (downstairs) so overall a potty is more useful.

Following the comments, I think I'm going to go for a slightly more relaxed approach. She will do it at some point. If she refuses for the next few months, then each month she gets older the more she will understand utter bribery to achieve it. Hopefully a few days of pants and potty inside with a sweet and a cheer after going will make it click in her head and then it'll power on from there.

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 04/02/2015 09:38

There are lots of ways to potty train a child. The best method to use depends on the child and parent. There is nothing wrong with using a potty and smaller children find it far more comfortable than a toilet.

I suggest that the op has occasional periods of bare bottom time. If her daughter shows signs of being able to control her bladder then she will be ready to potty train in anger.

I agree that children do grow up automatically, but parents need to give opportunities to assist development. For example reading to your child improves their speech, taking a child to the park helps gross motor skills.

Millionprammiles · 04/02/2015 09:41

Maeby - agree that it isn't easier when toddlers are out of nappies. It's a royal pain in the a*se until they get the hang of holding in wee/poo until you find a toilet/get the potty out.

We tried to toilet train dd at 2.3 and it was a disaster, dd got very upset. At 2.5 dd decided she wanted to wear big girl pants like so-and-so at nursery and started wanting to use the potty. It went much better. Peer pressure definitely helped.

Yes you can encourage, guide, reward (bribery definitely helped) etc but if your child really doesn't want to do it then it's going to be an uphill battle. It might then be easier to wait a bit.

Agree with going straight to toilet if you can as way easier than cleaning the potty out. Also we covered the sofa/rug with disposable waterproof mats from Mothercare. And avoid expensive leather shoes, you'll never get the smell of wee out.

ShelaghTurner · 04/02/2015 09:46

I feel your pain. DD2 (just turned 3) has been out of nappies around the house for months but she was still inclined to wet herself when out and dressed so in nappies for out. Last week I decided it was getting ridiculous and just put pants on her. She's been ok and I'm starting to relax a bit now but I wish I could fast forward to the completely reliable bit!

TeenAndTween · 04/02/2015 10:22

Have you done the prep bit yet?

Having the potty out, getting her to sit on it e.g. when being changed, and before and after bath, (or while watching Peppa Pig)? Praising her if something accidentally occurs then?

Personally I'd do that first for a while, and wait until the weather is warmer before ditching the nappies.

CountryMummy1 · 04/02/2015 10:23

I waited until I had a few weeks free in the summer then we just played naked (DD not me!) outside. She loved it and just started to go on her potty naturally as she didn't like weeing down Her leg. No fuss, no stress for anyone :-)

Original poster
MaebyF · 04/02/2015 10:26

The potty has been around for ages, we also bought a toilet seat a while ago. She will sit on either if coerced but is genuinely not impressed with the concept! She also had pants brought for her at the weekend by grandparents and wasn't impressed. I suspect that what's going to motivate her is a combination of bribery and disliking being wet, rather than the novelty of the idea. DD is not a fan of novelty Grin

OP posts:
ReallyTired · 04/02/2015 10:52

Bribery is the way forward with stubborn tots. Ie. Chocolate buttons or Pringles. It is really important that a child is allowed to decide whether they go on the toilet or not. Cohesion is not toilet training and a child needs the freedom to have accidents. It can be hard as a parent to remain calm when a child wees on your best carpet for the third time.

If the op is scared of mess it might be best to wait until spring when she can be outside more.

Mrsjayy · 04/02/2015 10:54

All you can do is try she won't like being wet go with that I do agree with a pp who said we need to help them rather than waiting don't make it a project iyswim I tried that with dd1 was a disaster use her potty if its easier mine hated it so we went to the toilet dd2 loved to flush she is easily pleased Grin

Original poster
MaebyF · 04/02/2015 11:04

It's not the mess I'm afraid of. Luckily we have wooden floors most places! It's just the... I don't know. It just doesn't appeal!

I will definitely try not to make a 'project' of it. I've read a lot making out like it should be a project but I can see how that becomes stressful for everyone. Will just gradually get DD to stop wearing nappies in the house and then move forward from there.

And if all else fails, then in a few months time if I know she could do it if she wanted to, I will offer a very significant bribe if she just does it. We've been fortunate and never had to bribe before so I don't mind giving in the once and buying the sodding Dora Backpack if that gets her to stop the battle I can half see around the corner...

OP posts:
Original poster
MaebyF · 04/02/2015 11:05

Oh, and thanks for the tip from someone above about putting pants inside the nappy as a last resort, I can see how that would work as it will still be uncomfortable for them.

OP posts:
DisappointedOne · 04/02/2015 11:05

"Children grow up automatically. You just have to hold your nerve and let them"

I'd be interested to know how many people use this philosophy for other aspects of child rearing - table manners, sharing toys, getting dressed, helping to tidy up after yourself etc grin

I did/do.

BarbarianMum · 04/02/2015 11:23

And how's that working out for you (serious question)? How old are your children?

Having just spent the weekend with family who work on these principles and whose 10, 8 and 5 year olds still couldn't/didn't use cutlery, chew with their mouths shut, say please or thank you, tie a shoe lace or do anything without a huge argument (bw themselves, my kids were completely sidelined) I have to say I'm re-embracing authoritarian parenting.