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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men and housework...

85 replies

madchocolatemum48 · 03/02/2015 11:10

Background: Dh works away a lot. When he is home he renovates our new house.
Our house is now finished (but dh still works away)
He is home for quite long periods at a time ( a few weeks) with not much to do now around the house.
I am a SAHM and do lions share of everything, never a problem before.
He helps when it suits him and when I ask him specifically to do something.
Is it unreasonable to think he should do more without having to write a detailed list.
"can you tidy the bathroom? means something completely different to him than it does to me, for him it means lifting towels from the floor Confused So I end up saying "Can you pick up the towels, clean the dinnermints off the sink(Blobs of kids toothpaste)use the loo brush in the loo, checking for 'dribble' marks while doing so, clean the mirror of kids fingerprints etc,etc,"
Don't get me started on "Can you tidy the kitchen?" .......
When he does use his own initiative and vacuums a room with out being asked, then I get the impression a standing ovation is required from me.
It's like having a 3rd child, the way things have to be explained to him.
Is it just mine or do most men just not get the housework thing.

OP posts:
peggyundercrackers · 03/02/2015 12:59

cailindana if people work offshore they don't get days off when they are away - they work for 2/3/4 weeks at a time doing whatever work they need to do - that's why they get 2/3 weeks off when they come back on shore - its all their days off lumped together. do you think they get the weekend off on an oil-rig in the middle of the north sea when they are out for 2 weeks? off course they don't.

Thurlow · 03/02/2015 13:03

OP, have you had a conversation with him where you say that when he is at home for a few weeks, now that the renovation is finished, it would be nice if he could pull his weight more around the house? Or has it been an unspoken expectation?

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 03/02/2015 13:12

SnowWhite I really disagree with you both in general and in relation to the OP's particular situation.

As far as the OP is concerned, you again seem to have completely ignored the fact that when her DH is at home he is not working, at all. And presumably when he is working away his domestic duties are pretty light, involving clearing up after just himself, not OH, DCs etc. So I don't see how one can possibly say that he should get some sort of a free pass on housework when he is around?

But even when there is a situation with a SAHP and a FT WOHP who is around all the time, I still don't agree that the SAHP should be expected to do every scrap of work around the house. Yes fair enough that they do more (quite a lot more depending on age of DC, whether they are at school etc) but not everything. The SAHP could well be doing a lot of work that is not housework (childcare, for a start) which contributes to the financial wellbeing of the household, so it is far too simplistic to say that the WOHP has assumed the whole financial "burden". And even if they had, why should their responsibilities to their family end there? Its just not fair at all to say that because a WOHP earns money they get unadulterated leisure time when not out at work!

I am a WOHP myself, by the way.

seaweed123 · 03/02/2015 13:12

I'm at home full time at the moment (ml) and my DH still pulls his weight. He steps in the door, and looks around to see the things I haven't managed to do that day, and then does them. Sometimes I get most stuff done before he gets back. Sometimes I get bugger all done during the day. He never says a word either way.

I do my best, and he picks up the slack. I think that's only fair. When we switch roles it will work both ways.

Original poster
madchocolatemum48 · 03/02/2015 13:15

Oh yes we have had the conversation and he totally understands.....
Last night for example. I made dinner, as I usually do, mentioning I was going for a bath afterwards. He said to leave the dishes; he would tidy the kitchen.
I came out the bath to find he had stacked the dishwasher and put it on, about 6 items in the machine.... All dishes he had taken out of the dishwasher were sitting on the counter-top.
Condiments and crumbs still on the table, nothing put back in the fridge or cupboards, no surfaces wiped down, cooker top not cleaned...
Great, he did the dishes, but I still had another half hour tidying the kitchen after him.
When I said some thing, he just said "Oh I didn't know you wanted me to do ALL that"

OP posts:
newnamefor15 · 03/02/2015 13:15

He isn't working offshore - he works normal 8 hour days and stays at a hotel. He could be a contractor or all sorts of jobs.

Clean/tidy - these are two entirely different words with two entirely different meanings, to me (and surely most people?). tidy = straighten the room out, remove anything that shouldn't be in there, put stuff that should be there in the right place so put washing up away, hang towels nicely, that sort of thing. Clean = remove dirt, hoover, mop, clean loo/sink/bath, clean worktops, and so on. It's like at work, I tidy my office, but the cleaner cleans it.

OP you need to talk to him to agree who's responsibility domestic work is. Always yours as SAH? Or joint?

The weeks he is away working 8 hours a day, you are working 24/7. But do you turn around and expect him to do everything when he is home as it's your 'time off'? No.

When he is home, I know I would expect a 50/50 split of all the childcare and chores. That's what's fair.

newnamefor15 · 03/02/2015 13:22

Just seen your update.

OK, so he says he totally understands, but he plays dumb when it comes down to it. This needs a serious talk. Does he think magic fairies come along and do everything he doesn't do? Does he just say one thing but actually believe that all this is actually your job and that whatever tiny thing he does to 'help' is the icing on the cake for you? Does he think women are here to be his servants? I'd have been really mad at this.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 03/02/2015 13:24

OP this sounds incredibly frustrating and demoralising.

Taking the kitchen example from last night, am I right in thinking you set to and did all the stuff that he hadn't (putting dishes away, wiping table etc)? I think really you should have pointed out to him that he'd only done half the job (at best!) and made it clear you expected him to finish it.

I know it's still annoying that you have to point it out and hound him into doing it properly, but if you keep doing the unfinished bits through gritted teeth you've got no chance of seeing an improvement.

YAstillNBU to be might pissed off about the whole thing though!

newnamefor15 · 03/02/2015 13:42

Yes, why did you finish off? Why didn't you say 'but you haven't done X and X and X, why don't you finish off now. What do you mean you didn't realise tidying the kitchen included those things? How else are they going to get done? Hmmmm?'

If you keep giving in and doing it for him then eventually you'll give up altogether and just do the lot. This is his plan.

scotchmincepie · 03/02/2015 13:48

My husband is very tidy - and does clean (more than I do) and we have cleaners. I don't think its a man thing - it's a cba thing if they aren't doing it. Division of labour and all that. You shouldn't have to write a list but you may well have to!

nottheOP · 03/02/2015 13:48

Our solution is to assign jobs. As follows;

Me;

Dust
Windows
Bathrooms
Paperwork/finances
Car
Organisation
Laundry

Dh;

Cooking
Food shopping
Kitchen cleaning
Floor cleaning

We both know what is expected and work to our strengths. It works but took some time to iron this out.

UrchinMadeOfAcne · 03/02/2015 13:55

Before we had DS, my DP was an amazingly clean and tidy person to live with. He cooked, he did the shopping. Dare I say, he did more around the house than me lulled me into a false sense of security as I wasn't arsed about having a clean/tidy house, then.

When we had DS, this all began to stop. I work P/T and I understand that when I am not at work, I should (and do) do the housework. But when I am at work 3 days a week, I STILL do most of the housework, and have to ask / nag for anything to be done.

Its like he's not arsed anymore, and I now have my comeuppance for being such a lazy twat before DS

MrsKoala · 03/02/2015 14:19

The kitchen thing is similar to my dh. he would have done it to the standard he finds satisfactory. he would laugh and say no if i asked him to 'finish it properly' - i'm not his boss, i don't get to tell him what to do. I'd be fucked off if someone told me that too.

If you hadn't have then cleaned it, would he have noticed/cared/done it himself/mentioned it?

Original poster
madchocolatemum48 · 03/02/2015 15:53

No he wouldn't have noticed or cared if I'm honest.

OP posts:
UrchinMadeOfAcne · 03/02/2015 16:05

That's the thing though, isn't it? If he's not arsed, then he's not arsed.

Its not like he is forcing you to do it for him IYSWIM.

Its a shitty situation.

MrsKoala · 03/02/2015 16:22

Out of your list i wouldn't have put the condiments away, wiped the surfaces or cleaned the hob either, not after every meal.

MaebyF · 03/02/2015 16:35

There is a point where the definition of 'tidying the kitchen' comes in to play, and that will be different for most people.

Not putting away the clean dishes and not putting any food etc back in the cupboards is quite bad (just in my book)

But not wiping the surfaces or cleaning the cooker top - that isn't what everyone does after every meal.

Babycham1979 · 03/02/2015 16:35

It does sound incredibly frustrating to live with someone as lazy as this. I don't think it's gendered, though; there are lazy/oblivious people of both sexes.

What does intrigue me about these threads though, is the SAHP/WOHP split and the assumption that once the working partner comes home they should automatically be doing half the housework. The logical equivalent would surely be that when your husband comes home, you should go out and work in a bar or a call-centre and bring some more money into the house. Surely, once he's home to look after the kids, you're free to go out and earn a wage?

I'm absolutely NOT saying that the working partner shouldn't contribute to domestic chores (of course they bloody should), but MN threads only ever look at this from one direction. Being a wage slave is shit. Many of us would love to be SAHPs, but don't have that luxury and, as a result, have to slave all day for a wage AND come back to do all the household chores.

Isn't seven or eight hours enough to get all these jobs around the house done? How do WOHPs manage to fit them in on top of the working day?

UrchinMadeOfAcne · 03/02/2015 16:40

what riles me though Babysham, is that on the days I am not working, I am looking after a toddler - which we all know is fairly hard work.

Why should DP come home after an 8 hour shift, and get to sit on his arse, while I carry on "working" - cleaning, tidying, getting DS bath and bed etc.

Why is it OK that his working day has ended, but mine hasn't?

Babycham1979 · 03/02/2015 16:48

Urchin, fair question; he should take up the slack. And then you can go out and earn a wage in the evenings and on weekends while he's looking after your toddler. That would be real symmetry and a truly 50/50 split of labour.

Babycham1979 · 03/02/2015 16:49

And I wasn't saying anyone should sit on their arse while their partner slaves away in front of them. I suppose I'm playing devil's advocate as it annoys me that MN threads are often so one-sided, and a certain viewpoint is often treated as an objective 'fact'.

UrchinMadeOfAcne · 03/02/2015 16:50

Yes but how would that be fair - me going out in the evenings, when toddler is asleep!!

And would there be a guarantee that DP would do any housework if I worked at weekends? He sees that as his time off!

MrsKoala · 03/02/2015 16:52

In our house DH comes home and takes over the dc and i do the cooking tidying. This works as i get a break from the dc who i have had all day and dh gets to see them. That way we are both still 'working' but doing something different, so it feels like a break (house work is much easier than looking after my dc!).

UrchinMadeOfAcne · 03/02/2015 16:52

Not having a go, Baby...not at all. Its good to have a devils advocate.

But the sharing of labour does seem very unfair in our household. Its just so weird - he used to be amazing at housework, back when I wasn't arsed. Now that I AM arsed, he has taken a back seat and thinks I am being neurotic

ARGH!!

Mrsbird311 · 03/02/2015 16:59

This might be an unpopular reply but I don't expect my husband to do one single thing house related he works very hard and makes good money and I'm more than happy to stay at home cleaning and tidying my lovely home , taking care of my family is a privalige and I'm happy that when my husband gets home I drop everything to make him a cup of tea and give him a hug and have a chat, now this might seem old fashioned but I'd rather take care of my family than go out to work , having to deal with a boss, travel and sort childcare, and my husband is so happy to be appreciated and looked after he lets me have my own way about anything win win