to not get married?

[TheMidnightHour]

When I was small someone said to me 'you shouldn't get married until you, really, really want to.' It stuck, and I've gone with that, despite increasing pressure from everyone apart from DP: neither of us want to get married, so we haven't.

However, I'm starting to wonder if I'm not seeing some major benefit? After all, if everyone you know jumps off a bridge, you should at least look around to see if it's on fire before you make a decision.

So: here's the status. We are both 30-ish. Not much in the bank, no real assets (no house/car worth anything/heirlooms/trust fund (I wish)), no debt/mortgage. No pensions (I know, I know). No major illnesses. No visa issues. Have wills. We do own a business together, and have a kid on the way (woo!). Both atheists. No religion on my side of the family; DP's parents are very religious and regularly read us a sermon about Living In Sin, which if anything makes it sound quite attractive!

We already have a 'marriage', effectively, as we're as committed as can be and have weathered a decade of storms. I don't want a wedding (large or small, not even a registry office do, gives me the heebs). DP is anti-officially-tying-the-knot for various reasons.

So can I pootle along like this, or is it like going shark feeding without a cage, as one of my friends recently suggested?

(She didn't elaborate on WHAT exactly is out their to eat us, and actually I quite like sharks, always exciting to see one while diving, although they're so quick to vanish they're hard to spot...)

Actually, scrap that MI it really doesn't matter what your reasons are, it won't tell me what's going on inside my friend's DP's head. Besides, unfortunately I feel that his reason has something to do with his roving eye...

Haven't time to read the whole thread as in the middle of making dinner. I got married because I wanted my boyfriend to be my husband. I have had plenty of boyfriends and he felt so much more.

Lots of marriages end in divorce so I know marriage is no guarantee of being together forever. I think it is more an intention of being together forever which to me means more than being together for now. It's a very personal thing though and if you don't feel that way you should make your decision based on whether you want the legal security marriage gives you or not.

usualsuspect333, no of course I dont think that people get married to have anniversary celebrations!

However, it is normal (and in fact you did it yourself in one of your posts) to describe how long a relationship has been going on. So how do you measure that 37 years? Will you celebrate when that number (which you are obviously counting) gets to 50 years?

I am the same as usual. It has never been on my radar so I haven't bothered It would make absolutely no difference to me in any way legally or financially and the same when ds was young plus it has never appealed.

You can have as many parties and as much romance as you like without getting married! Marriage is a legal contract that gives certain rights and protection and if you need that then its a good idea It does NOT guarantee anything emotional or indeed love or fidelity those things are personal.

I only know who long we have been together by the age we were when we got together. I have no idea of the date.

I doubt we will celebrate our togetherness even when we have been together 50 years.

heartisaspade I'm getting far too sucked into this thread, but I do love a debate , so...

Introducing someone as your husband when they are not, is likely to get looks from both your partner and others when they find it's a lie, so whilst you could do that, generally people don't.

And "they wouldn't have got married unless it had been necessary" (to get a green card) makes it a marriage of convenience and not love in my eyes.

Glad we agree that marriage is best for female parents though

There's a lot of nonsense and presumptions on this thread about what non married partners feel about each other and the "true" level of their commitment. It's actually quite insulting and patronising to those that decide not to get married.

My non married relationship is as committed and loving as any married one. When I found the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with my thoughts were " I want to have children with this man." Thats a more of a binding commitment in my view. Quite a few friends of mine consider the lack of a proposal a deal breaker in a relationship. I've never understood it. It's as if they want to prove to the world that someone loves them enough to marry then. I've never needed that kind of self validation.

Anyway I'm with usual and mother.

The point, Midnight, is, as you know, that you can have all the emotion and romance in a cohabiting situation as much as you can in a marriage. What you don't have is legal protections for the things that go wrong in life.

Seriously: I think you're crazy not to go down to the registry office and do it simply with no fuss. Crazy. Especially if you are planning on having children. Almost every woman I know, no matter what their intentions, sacrifices part of their career and earning capacity when their children are small, and you need the protections of marriage just in case.

FWIW I've been married twice. My first marriage broke up completely amicably and we split the assets in a generous and equal manner. Divorce can be easier than the messiness and injustice of a cohabited split.

If you dont want to get married, don't.

But don't be surprised that, yes it is a legal arrangement, the mushy stuff has only come in relatively recently. That is why many women have issues with it, it was a way of transferring the ownership of a women/female child from one man to another.

You don't sound as sure as you think in your post, you say you like that you and your partner are together because you want to be, but then are disappointed that the only value in marriage is seen to be as insurance

But the fact of the matter is, thats what it is. It's a legal agreement that gives each of you certain rights and even more responsibilities towards each other and any children of the marriage.

You also say that it's your black humour that wonders about people pushing marriage in case of death or serious illness or injury.

Fine, if thats the way you cope with issues in your life, grand, but it happens, there are real people behind those stats.

God forbid, but someone has to be that person/that family.

Gnome, nearly 10 years unmarried here. We celebrate the anniversary of our first date every year by giving each other a card and going out for a nice dinner. Its very important to me to mark the day and celebrate our relationship. Planning a trip for our 10th involving a 5 star hotel and champagne

If I'm honest, I don't get the appeal of standing up in front of people and declaring your love. This is probably coloured by the fact that we can't stand our families and none of our friends need any convincing about how valid our relationship is. I do take people's points about the importance of legal protection when you have children though.

This thread shows that marriage is not for everyone and some people feel strongly enough to resist it even when it may make life easier from a legal point of view. I don't think that should be dismissed as 'childish' or 'immature'

I wasn't fussed about getting married and was in a very committed relationship with DP for many years.

We did marry in the end as though divorce is a possibility, death is a certainty and we didn't want inheritance tax.

One civil marriage in a pretty venue later (5 people inc us), DH feels happier, I don't notice any difference and we still celebrate the date we met as our anniversary. I think I know the month we married in, but I havent a clue about the date!

Chunderella, I satisfy my urge for fuss and to be the centre of attention with birthday parties .

I don't think having kids did dent my earning capacity, actually. I was back at work four months later both times. Granted, I don't earn as much as my partner because I'm a journalist but actually I write so much about pregnancy and parenting stuff that I'd have found that quite hard without kids. They were quite a good career move.

(I am clearly as unfit for motherhood as I am for marriage, aren't I.)

But no, if my DP said it meant a lot to him to get married I'd point out that (a) it meant a lot to me not to get married (b) forced marriage is illegal in this country. I might, in practice, capitulate to his emotional blackmail but I would resent it deeply.

heartisaspade I get what you're saying about all marriages being a marriage of convenience to an extent; I always knew I would never have children out of wedlock for the legalities of it for example.

However, I'm very different to you in that whilst I had loved previous partners, I have only been in love with my husband, and had I not been in love with him, and seen him as better (for me) than every other man out there I would not have married him (& subsequently would most likely be childless).

I truly believe that our marriage vows were meaningful and binding until death do us part - but that's what works for us, not necessarily everyone.

YANBU.

Wait until your old and you have nothing more exciting to look forward to - then do it!

That's my plan anyway, keeping something back so I have something to look forward to in future. Is that weird?

Hi op, I'm with you. I don't want to get married nor does my dp.

We have a joint mortgage, a child with our surnames double barrelled. We need to get our wills sorted out. Beyond that I'm not too sure what else we need to do in order to have the same protection marriage offers. That is something we'll have to look into.

Dp wants a joint bank account, personally I prefer keeping separate but we may create a joint one for bills, mortgage etc. Joint accounts aren't a requirement of marriage though so don't know if that matters.

I hope that couple win the court case allowing them to get a civil partnership as then we'll just do that.