to not get married?

[TheMidnightHour]

When I was small someone said to me 'you shouldn't get married until you, really, really want to.' It stuck, and I've gone with that, despite increasing pressure from everyone apart from DP: neither of us want to get married, so we haven't.

However, I'm starting to wonder if I'm not seeing some major benefit? After all, if everyone you know jumps off a bridge, you should at least look around to see if it's on fire before you make a decision.

So: here's the status. We are both 30-ish. Not much in the bank, no real assets (no house/car worth anything/heirlooms/trust fund (I wish)), no debt/mortgage. No pensions (I know, I know). No major illnesses. No visa issues. Have wills. We do own a business together, and have a kid on the way (woo!). Both atheists. No religion on my side of the family; DP's parents are very religious and regularly read us a sermon about Living In Sin, which if anything makes it sound quite attractive!

We already have a 'marriage', effectively, as we're as committed as can be and have weathered a decade of storms. I don't want a wedding (large or small, not even a registry office do, gives me the heebs). DP is anti-officially-tying-the-knot for various reasons.

So can I pootle along like this, or is it like going shark feeding without a cage, as one of my friends recently suggested?

(She didn't elaborate on WHAT exactly is out their to eat us, and actually I quite like sharks, always exciting to see one while diving, although they're so quick to vanish they're hard to spot...)

jackie yay! I'm glad you love being married. That's honestly more encouraging than the dry angle, which although very important is just cost/benefit analysis. I guess the rest of it's a bit personal for AIBU.

I was also intrigued by the (generally) narrow scope - DP's parents have thrown all sorts of reasons at us, from But God through Pensions to What'll The Neighbours Say.

sausage yes, and I love that you explained. Did I miss the rest of the chorus though? You sounded like a lone voice to me.

I would also not at all state that marriage is for legal protection only. Marriage still means a great deal to us as a couple 20 years later, we made a commitment to each other and I am still so happy to be his wife even after all these years. (We got married abroad and had two witnesses).

I think it's kind of a given that people get married for love and because they plan to spend their lives together. If you say why did you marry your partner? You would have got different responses - the majority, I would bet, would be because I loved him, we wanted to commit, to be a family and so on.

You asked aibu to not get married - so you're getting the more clinical responses.

I love being married too. We are religious and it formed part of the reason we did it but not the whole reason either. Aside from the legal security (which is a big deal), I found there was something powerful about telling each other out loud, in no uncertain terms, in front of other people, that you promise to be with each other in sickness and in health and through thick and thin. These are things that might be implied when you say 'I love you' and move in together but not necessarily, and it seemed to hold a bigger weight when I was the one uttering the words. I totally understand people being cynical about it and I don't think less of cohabiting relationships (there are plenty of religious people who do, which is why I'm mentioning it); there are plenty of married people who don't actually mean the words they say, or change their mind later for whatever reason, but for me, I felt the weight of it and it was different to just dating.

Legal and financial security can be romantic!

I love being married too, btw. I can't properly explain why - it just feels right.

Never wanted to get married

Did so a few months after having a baby and was surprised that I enjoyed the wedding and being a wife

Was hugely relieved when he left me 17 years later and I was protected by our marriage. It wasn't until then I even knew how lucky it was we were married. Oh and I never thought it would happen to me but it did.

You can be committed to someone without being married.

I never felt the need to have a legal relationship.

You might find this thread interesting OP
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/2299061-Can-you-talk-to-me-about-marriage?msgid=52327762#52327762

I think it's a given that people feel differently about their spouse compared to previous partners.

Let's face it, most people have had relationships prior to marriage nowadays, and many peopple have co-habited with previous partners. You have told us here that your relationship with your current DP is different (& better) to your previous ones, and that it's for keeps; I see marriage as a short-hand way of telling that to the world.

To an outsider introducing you husband says "this is my partner, and the person I've chosen to live with and spend the rest of my life with." introducing your partner says "this is my partner".

Your relationship is not the worlds business.

Don't get married just so you can show the world you have a man.

Oh heavens to Betsy, sweetie, if you don't want to get married just don't. Make sure you're legally covered - it's really not that complicated - and reconsider if you ever become financially dependent on him, dammit, or if you ever start peeking above the inheritance tax threshold. I've steadily refused Mr Inferior's repeated offers to commit a spot of matrimony for about 15 years now.

I've resisted for 37 years.

I like that people don't know if I'm in a relationship or not. I'm not defined by my relationship.

I wouldn't suggest anyone gets married in order to tell the world they've found a man,but I'm happy that for the world to know I've found my partner for life; why wouldn't I be?

Can a long-term non-married person give me an idea of how you celebrate your 'togetherness' please?

This is something I am genuinely curious about especially as my DPiL will soon be celebrating their diamond (ie 60 year) wedding anniversary.

Do you look forward to a time when you will have similar celebrations? If so from when will you measure the time?

I have been married 23 years and tend to see the benefits of marriage as being (apart from the legal) enjoyed in the long-term.

motherinferior feel free not to answer this if you feel it's too personal but I am curious; is your DP hurt that you turn down his proposals and don't want to marry him?

What reason do you give him for this rejection, and if you love him and marriage would make him happy and you're not bothered either way, why is marriage not a gift you could give him?

I'm asking mainly to gain some understanding for a friend of mine; she wants her long-term partner and father of her children to marry her and he's said no. She is incredibly upset about this (as understandably proposing to someone takes quite a lot of courage in the first place). I can only think that he doesn't love her enough to marry her, but if you have a better insight I'd be pleased to hear it so I can maybe give her some comfort.

We don't celebrate our togetherness.

I don't think people get married to have anniversary celebrations do they?

What makes you think I'm 'not bothered either way'? I am bothered. I don't want to be married. I find it, still, quite iffy as an institution. DP isn't wild about it as an institution either, though he'd quite like to be married (hence his suggestions and the odd attempt at a romantic proposal).

I quite fancy a wedding, mind. I love a party and fuss about me. (I'd actually find it quite insulting to suggest we nip off and get married, as if the idea of being with me was so embarrassing someone had to do it surreptitiously.) I just don't want to be married. Inheritance tax blackmail may yet push me into it, but it's not something I'm keen on.

And if my partner stomped off in a huff saying "sorry, MI, we've had 15 pretty good years together and I love you and we have lovely kids and nice cats and wills and pension arrangements and a fairly workable domestic arrangement considering how grumpy we both are, but the fact you won't marry me means you must Set Me Free" I'd think he'd lost his remaining marbles.

heartisaspade but by being married you have the option of doing either, if you don't want to tell people you've committed to him for life that's your choice, and if you want a short-hand way of doing so you can introduce him as your husband.

Also you agree that getting married is best for women who have children and take a career hit, regardless of the emotional side of things.

In reference to your earlier post, saying your DH wasn't upset when the green card marriage he had broke down doesn't suggest that marriage isn't a big commitment, it just suggests that marriages of convenience don't have as much emotional impact as marriages for love.

The idea of marriage=commitment for life is a bit dented by the divorce stats, you know.

The "not bothered either way" was probably projection on my part as that was my friend's DP's position until she asked him to marry her and then it was a definite no.

So it's the fact you'd feel that people would define you as a "wife" and therefore some how a lesser being if you got married? And if your DP said to you that actually it really meant a lot to him you'd go along with it to make him happy?

Just trying to make sense of it here.