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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I'm being completely ridiculous - I don't want to go to work today :(

85 replies

Blueboatinghat · 02/02/2015 08:20

Oh this is so stupid.

I don't want to face my colleagues. And they are lovely. I am being ridiculously sensitive.

I have a first name that is featured in a song (please don't out me.) One lady SINGS every time someone says my name. It's so grating. I could cope with that but I used to have the piss ripped out of me as a child for my name and it makes me feel like that. I have to force myself to smile when actually I hate it. She is really lovely so I don't feel I can be sharp about it.

I'm constantly having well meaning ideas about my lunch, diet, exercise regime, nails, hair, face, body, life - being directed at me and I just want to cry. They do it to each other but it makes me feel "not good enough."

I try to avoid them but it's not always possible.

Sorry rant. Taking a deep breath ...

OP posts:
duplodon · 02/02/2015 13:54

They sound like boring bitches, in all honesty. Anyone who has to have that sort of a device to manage everyday interaction is a royal pain in the arse. Once, twice - fine. Even if your name is Jolene or something like that. I used to have this with a colleague who thought it was HILARIOUS to say "tirty tree and a tird" every time she saw me as I am... Irish. Oh, how ingeniously creative and humourous of her, eh? I just practised sighing and giving her withering looks after the 20th time or so. Worked eventually.

Xenadog · 02/02/2015 14:49

I would say something like, "Gosh you must really like this song as you are singing it all the time. Me? No I hate it as it reminds me of being bullied at school."
As for all the unwanted comments I would say, "Thanks for the advice but I'll ask next time I want some. But thanks for thinking of me."

I think being pleasant, upfront and open will get you the best results. If the people are as nice as you say they are they will shut up. If not, then next time tell them to bog off!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 02/02/2015 15:12

"Change the record, love"

That's what I'd say........ I wouldn't bring up a history of bullying or anything, because my worry would be that they would want some sort of in depth discussion about that and really it's none of their business.

The rest of it?

"Well, I do it this way and I'm perfectly happy with that"

Oh, and go out for lunch if you can, just to get out of the environment.......... Come back and eat your perfectly decent lunch with 5 mins left of your break

bloodygorgeous · 02/02/2015 15:16

Sure take everyone's advice saying tell her to shut up, or to come back with some arsey retort...or perhaps accept that it's just a bit of harmless silliness and you need to toughen up?

.

SuperFlyHigh · 02/02/2015 15:24

OP - you do sound a bit precious princess about this.

I've also got an unusual name (foreign), had glasses at school and had a slightly alternative mother (think 70s, sort of hippy but she swore she wasn't!). I got bullied for those reasons too (others probably) at school.

Work is work - whenever anyone's made comments about my name, I laugh along or glare at them (so they stop!). I found drawing attention to the fact it annoyed me just made the odd idiot like to take the piss all the more.

You either need a) a thicker skin, b) a new job or c) just ignore them or d) play along. BUT let them see it doesn't affect you! and anyone else - maybe make a joke about them too? see? You will get this all your life in work/jobs so you'd better toughen up now.

SuperFlyHigh · 02/02/2015 15:27

also re your diet/clothes etc ignore them! don't engage.

or pick someone quiet/friendly/away from the group and socialise with them. the others will soon get the message.

SuperFlyHigh · 02/02/2015 15:29

raptor - exactly - go out for a whole lunch break.

In a previous office I did actually have bitchiness behind my back (PAs) in an office of 13 but by 2 of them. I had no idea until my last day when someone told me (I'd been there 14 months). A lot of the time it can be jealousy.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 02/02/2015 15:29

I would respond positively in a way that will piss her off but leave her little room for manoeuvre
"Yes my name is really lovely isn't it"
"I am lucky having a name everyone wants to sing"

I suspect she will shut up soon enough.

shovetheholly · 02/02/2015 15:30

OP, my honest advice to you is: don't hold it in. If you want to cry, then a few tears won't hurt anyone and will be a lot less damaging than an angry explosion.

If they are the nice colleagues, they will immediately understand and will probably be mortified that they have hurt your feelings.

If they are not, then at least you know where you stand!

Blueboatinghat · 02/02/2015 16:22

I'm really not precious, or princessy. I'm not like that.

Perhaps it's difficult to explain - I am really struggling to convey how it comes across. I feel I am almost constantly being laughed at in the same sort of way someone might laugh fondly at a silly child.

OP posts:
bettyboop1970 · 02/02/2015 16:28

Blue - do you feel that you are being bullied?
Is so your work place should have policies to deal with that.

WiiUnfit · 02/02/2015 16:29

So take on board the suggestions you've been given and ask / tell them to stop. Things won't change if you don't do anything Blue and if they're really upsetting you, things need to change.

itsnotmeitsyou1 · 02/02/2015 16:31

OP I know how you feel. I share a name with a singer (not highly unusual but certainly different). I've had people 'sing' at me my whole life, including teachers for f sake. It gets VERY boring, so I usually say 'highly original, never heard that before, bloody comic genius you are' or 'my gawd, I know what to get you for xmas, bloody singing lessons! Would you like some help carrying that tune?'. Nothing like a good bit of sarcasm to shut people up Wink.

Blueboatinghat · 02/02/2015 16:35

Wii - will do. I didn't at any point say I wouldn't, but felt I needed to defend myself against the 'precious princess' remarks which aren't true.

I don't feel bullied but I do feel that I am not accepted. I don't feel I am disliked but I don't feel I am wanted either, taken particularly seriously or valued, I suppose.

Thank you for replies.

OP posts:
WiiUnfit · 02/02/2015 16:39

It's very hard to feel that way Blue.

I know you said you think they mean well when they offer suggestions, could they be doing this because you've asked for advice in the past & they think they're being helpful?

You'll probably (and hopefully) find they will be mortified once they realise how they've been making you feel and if not, there's steps that can be taken afterwards in relation to HR and your manager(s). Good luck OP. Let us know how you get on.

TheWitTank · 02/02/2015 16:47

I don't think you are being precious at all- perhaps over sensitive, but without being there to witness the interactions it's hard for any of us to say. I'm glad you are going to take some of the advice here and speak up. It may be this immediately resolves the issue and it was purely just that is how the old group interacts with each other and assumed you would be the same. 'Banter' (hate that word) as such. I've said earlier, my old team was exactly like this. It wasn't nastiness or meant badly and they would have been mortified if someone was hurt by it. If you ask them to stop and they don't, now that's a different matter entirely.
If you really feel you are not going to enjoy the job at all maybe time to look for something else?

OnlyLovers · 02/02/2015 16:58

bloody and Super, no one should need to 'toughen up' or get a 'thick skin', and certainly not 'play along'. These all sound like things that bullies say.

No adult at work should have to ignore things they find hurtful out of fear of being excluded or called a princess. Hmm

Blueboatinghat · 02/02/2015 17:02

Possibly is, although I haven't been at this one very long.

The advice isn't because I have asked in the past: it's more in the context of having my lunch laughed at, mainly Confused which to be honest I wouldn't have minded occasionally but is getting a bit much.

I don't doubt there's an element of being over sensitive in there but then also there's an element of being laughed at and mocked - not spitefully; I accept - but just the same I really don't like it!

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 02/02/2015 17:04

having my lunch laughed at

For heaven's sake. Tell the lot of them to piss off. They're not 'lovely', OP.

SuperFlyHigh · 02/02/2015 21:21

I'm not a bully onlylovers as you'll see if you read my post. However if you obsess over this it'll eat away at you (like now) and the other colleagues will know its a trigger for OP. They probably aren't 'lovely' as the OP thinks they just know they're getting a reaction and it's funny.

Op in your OP you said you were sensitive about it and sorry but I think you are.

Blueboatinghat · 02/02/2015 21:47

They aren't getting a reaction from me and I don't think anything I've said indicates they are.

Conceded I am being sensitive but only on here, in private so to speak. I haven't said anything or burst into tears or voiced a formal complaint - unless "not liking it" alone makes me sensitive; in which case guilty as charged.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 03/02/2015 10:13

I did read your post, Super.

A bully if challenged will often respond with 'Oh, it's just a joke, you should toughen up/play along' etc.

And telling people they need 'a thicker skin', to 'just ignore them' and 'play along' is not helpful or constructive. My mother used to say these things to me when I was bullied at school. Of course it didn't make any difference. If you ignore them they continue to shout/sing at you/taunt you. If you 'play along' they let you do so for so long before turning on you again.

Do you mean this is eating away at me, or at the OP? If the former, then I'm not understanding why you make that assertion.

IMO the OP is NOT being sensitive; and, I'll say it again, no adult at work should have to ignore comments or behaviour they find hurtful or upsetting out of fear of being excluded or just told to toughen up or 'it's only a laugh'.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/02/2015 12:21

Only (and this will be my last engagement here).

I don't think it's a joke by any means for OP but the more she thinks about it (eats away at her not you) the more it will affect her. Why on earth would I state it was eating away at you only?! Anyone would think you were over-invested here.

You can really easily just play along, laugh it off etc... - if I had a £1 for everyone where I worked who made fun out of each other I'd be rich.

If you do ignore these people then they do eventually move on... we're in a work environment here not the playground.

I've had CBT for recent bullying and one of my best tactics was to think of the bullies as being 'outside a pen/square' so i could choose to 'control' how what they said/did affected me or not.

Oh and only for a good few years i was taunted most about glasses at school - Four Eyes, Joe 90 - you get it?! But I ignored them or played along and hey - they stopped or it went away, pretty quickly actually! OK it may have returned when they were bored but it didn't really affect me. I got my own back when I didn't have to wear glasses and hey presto a swan appeared. Grin And they did or didn't find another victim.

OnlyLovers · 03/02/2015 12:30

Well, this will be my last engagement back atcha but here goes.

Re 'eating away', as my post says, I asked whether you meant me or the OP. Perhaps it seems a stupid question, and I thought you almost certainly meant the OP, but I wasn't sure and wanted clarity. I didn't want a passive-aggressive little dig about over-investment.

It is not always easy to 'play along, laugh it off'. I was bullied for a myriad things including being too tall, too lanky, too much of a 'swot', wearing the wrong clothes, liking horses, being bad at sport, having teachers for parents ... and a few more things.

I could not just ignore them: they came up and said things right in my face, followed me in the corridors and out to the bus, surrounded me in class, threw my bag around the classroom, tripped me up as I walked past, harassed me in the canteen etc etc.

Good for you that ignoring or playing along worked and that it 'didn't really affect' you, and that you got your own back. This was not my experience. I suspect it is not a lot of people's experience.

And, much more to the point, as appalling as this behaviour is the one bright spot is that usually it stops once people grow up and move into the world of work. In the OP's case, unfortunately her colleagues still seem to be behaving like silly schoolchildren. I will not condemn the OP nor call her a 'precious princess' or say any of the other hurtful things people have said here, because, as I've said several times now, I think it UNACCEPTABLE that an adult should have to have coping strategies because their colleagues are behaving like children.

And telling her to toughen up or ignore it or laugh with them or whatever is just enabling them. And anyone who suggests those things ought, IMO, to be ashamed of themselves.

Notrevealingmyidentity · 03/02/2015 12:35

They sound vile. Picking at things that are wrong with your clothes/lunch etc ?

Screams bullying to me.

Can you talk to your boss ?

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