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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Very early sex - aibu

101 replies

drbonnieblossman · 02/02/2015 00:27

Dh is going to be leaving the house very early for the next 5 mornings (5.00am instead of 8.30am).

We have a pretty active sex life and morning sex every day (there's fuck all romance in our morning sex, but we both have very high sex drives so a very quick shag in the morning sorts us out).

Anyway, DH seems to think that he cannot do without it in the morning this week and I should wake up in time do we can have sex before he leaves. I wouldn't mind but we have sex every night too so it's not like he's going without.

I happened to suggest that he sort himself out these next few mornings and he said I wasnt 'taking things seriously' and it will be a slippery slope to no morning sex.

AIBU in telling him that under no fucking circumstances is he to wake me. Part of me thinks I should just tell him to get on with it and be quick so I'm not fully woken but really why should I?

OP posts:
Original poster
drbonnieblossman · 02/02/2015 09:46

Thank you, I hear you all , though those going down the path of bullying etc are way off course.

I guess I'm just pissed off that he felt it was reasonable and also that he feels our marriage teeters on 5 mins every morning.

OP posts:
desertmum · 02/02/2015 10:13

My issue is that I don't want to service our joint need at a stupid time where there is nothing in it for me

Is that the way it is every morning at your 'normal' time ? Because if so why do you carry on doing it?

ouryve · 02/02/2015 10:16

Are you his partner, or a blow up doll? I think you need to be asking him that question. Sex needs to be consensual on both sides and if you're not willing to be woken up at silly o'clock to have sex, then if he can't back off, he has no respect for you as a person.

KatelynB · 02/02/2015 10:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsfuzzy · 02/02/2015 10:26

he sounds a bit selfish tbh, if he was my dh i'd tell , he cahimn do it himself or get a blow up doll, ! do you really want to be 'used' for sex when you don't feel like it ? o.k sometimes you can get into it, but some times it can leave you feeling pissed off, he needs to get over himself a bit, it doesn't sound like a great love life if 'sometimes a quick shag will sort us out', hardly the stuff of great orgasms and fulfillment, sounds like a bit of a boring obligation tbh. and no i'm not jealous by any stretch of the imagination !

fluffyraggies · 02/02/2015 10:29

We have a lot of sex. Been together 9 years. Bedtime last night he initiated it and at 5am this morning i did. We had sex twice on Sat as well. We have a one year old, (and 3 teens) and we both have a high sex drive. It's not that unheard of. Sometimes it is like scratching an itch together, but it's also often passionate, or sleepy, or very loving or down right dirty.

The issue here is the fuss he's making about a different routine for just a few short days, as others have said. I don't think either of us would gripe at the other for sex.

When you're calmer have a chat with him and ask him why he has made this such a big deal OP. Is he insecure with your relationship deep down, and sees sex as the only 'cement' between you? IYKWIM? Is he generally very attached to routine?

He is being an arse.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2015 10:31

you are dressing this up as a "joint need" but I think you are sweetening it because you know your H is a selfish prick

at 5am your greater "need" is to not have your sleep disturbed for 5 mins of pump and squirt

that's not enjoyable consensual sex and I think you are trying to fool yourself that it is

quickies are an enjoyable part of a healthy sex life....but not on a daily basis no matter what and when they are endured to keep your husband's ridiculous "requirements" serviced

mrsfuzzy · 02/02/2015 10:32

sorry, if i sounded a bit bitchy , but 5 minutes... really ??? i feel for you, it isn't right that you let yourself be treated this way, i think most mners are agreeing with this view, stand up to him, he isn't such a stud if he pressures you with such stupid comments, what does he think is going to happen if he doesn't get his leg over twice a day ? ooh, yes, you might feel neglected and look else where, just how old is he anyway, it could the need to prove his virility if he is older.

Original poster
drbonnieblossman · 02/02/2015 10:50

I really hear what you all say but i can assure you all that the want for sex is just as great for me as it is him. The issue is his concern that if we get out of the morning sex routine for even a short period of time the relationship will suffer.

I don't want morning sex to stop. I bloody enjoy it, quick though it is. I just don't get his concerns. He is not by nature a selfish man and sexually is very giving but I feel his stance on this subject is selfish. He can't see it is.

To the person who asked, no I don't tend to get thrush and no, no pain.

OP posts:
ANewMein2015 · 02/02/2015 10:54

Wow not at all relevant to the OP but I need advice from drbonnie and fluffy as to how they manage so much sex with children in the house.

Morning sex? I'm woken up by a 3 year old climbing into my bed early in teh morning...

Twice on a Saturday? We're with the kids... (we've managed "mummy and daddy just need some time for 20mins whilie they watcha movie but this is a new one)

I need to know the secrets.....

AnyFucker · 02/02/2015 10:55

so, what is the outcome going to be ?

ChippingInLatteLover · 02/02/2015 10:56

Well, they do say the more you have the more you want.

Original poster
drbonnieblossman · 02/02/2015 11:04

anew

Night time is easy as children do various clubs so it can either be early evening which does tend to be better generally as we have an interrupted hour and we are both quite, ermm, vocal - or once they go to sleep, although I tend to focus on the bedroom door a lot unless it's really late and kids are out for the count.

Morning,like I say, it's quick and by the time there is movement elsewhere in the house we are up and showering etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
drbonnieblossman · 02/02/2015 11:20

anyfucker the way this ends is that I'm going to tell him he's being a knob on this particular issue. There will be no sex this week which totally shoots me in the foot but I really need him to appreciate what he has. I need him to ask himself what he needs from this, sex aside.

OP posts:
ANewMein2015 · 02/02/2015 11:23

So do you set your alarm for before the kids get up? I don't think we can quite do that yet (sleep deprived still).

We're doing late at night (but that's not helping sleep deprivation) and odd daytimes (odd shifts/consultancy days) which helps the er noise problem.

We'd certainly like it more. I can relate to the high sex drive - its not always just men!

I completely agree its completely out of order for him to expect you to be up in the middle of the night though (sort of thing I'd like occasionally for fun - but certainly not for a week as it would someone damage the order of things if it wasnt had! That does kind of reduce you to sex doll)

HoggleHoggle · 02/02/2015 11:33

Goodness I can never let dh see this thread! He already thinks we don't do it often enough (he has a point but good god having a one year old exhausts me)

Waitingonasunnyday · 02/02/2015 11:42

Bloody hell I'm knackered just reading this. I must be doing sex all wrong, nice as it is, but I totally prefer a coffee first thing.

HouseWhereNobodyLives · 02/02/2015 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ANewMein2015 · 02/02/2015 11:48

Me neither - surely you can both pay super attention to the late night sessions?

(I am sooooooo inappropriately curious about your sex life... do you have a lot of variety so you don't get bored... does one dominate .... as I say - completely inappropriate vicarious living)

Original poster
drbonnieblossman · 02/02/2015 11:50

Before eating DH, I was in a long term relationship. We became like siblings. The sex was once a year, twice if I was lucky. It wrecked my confidence completely. When I met DH it was totally different and my confidence shot through the roof. It made me realise what I'd missed and what I needed. Small child sleep deprivation aside, the sexual side of our relationship has increased over the years and it's importance to me has too. But, I am aware that it cannot be the only thing in a relationship, having been on the opposite end years ago. I think this has rocked me because I'm wondering how DH views our marriage away from sex.

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 02/02/2015 11:51

YANBU

Tell him 5am is out of the question and that if he sulks about it he will be the one ruining a good thing (all for the sake of a few days!)

Your DH is coming across as a bit of a knob about this, but I think it's unfair to assume he sees you as a blow up doll or is usually selfish, it's complelety normal for women to want sex just as much as men- it sounds like you're normally really well matched

I also understand the difference between needing a fast unromantic quickie and still also having a proper fufilling love life Smile

anewmein we have six dc from teens down to toddlers and still manage to have a very active sex life (though we don't always have sex more than once a day like the op especially during the week) for us the secret is a lock on the bedroom door- simple but effective! we lock the door at random times if we're sorting out birthday presents or household bills or watching a film that's not suitable for the little ones so they don't assume a locked door means we're having sex Wink it is much easier to relax and enjoy it if you're not worried about anyone barging in and if we waited until they were all asleep or out it would just never happen

Original poster
drbonnieblossman · 02/02/2015 12:00

The no sex this week is going to extend to night time sex too - my choice. I want him to appreciate how bloody good our sex life is. No sex at all should assist with that.

OP posts:
HouseWhereNobodyLives · 02/02/2015 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ANewMein2015 · 02/02/2015 12:02

I'm not quite ready to lock the door... we both want it more than we get it though and as we're emerging from sleep deprived years. Anyhow I'm completely derailing the thread (ad tempted to start another)- I'm sorry OP - lots of sex is of course wonderful but it sounds like you're concerned about the relationship aside from that?

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 02/02/2015 12:04

The lesson he should take from this is that being ARSEY about your partner's choices in having sex with you (when, how, everything) is the ONE and ONLY definite 'slippery slope' - into fucking up your relationship.