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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some people just cannot learn to drive?

112 replies

Edenviolet · 01/02/2015 22:24

I can't drive. I just cannot do it.

Tried manual lessons in 2003. Was useless. Gave up.
Tried automatic in 2011. Still useless. Kept getting migraines as got so stressed before/during lessons then got a stomach ulcer (apparently from the stress).

Tried again last year (and still continuing) and after seven months I am still nowhere near test standard. It can't be the instructors as have changed each time I restarted lessons so it must be me!

Iam seriously starting to wonder if some people just can't drive?? I seem to have a combination of anxiety and no coordination/awareness.

At least I've got over the feeling of "if I drive faster the lesson will be over quicker" as that really didn't work and resulted in a few scary lessons.

Is it possible, can some people just not be taught? AIBU to think that there must be others like me and a reason for the inability to be able to drive?

OP posts:
FarFromAnyRoad · 01/02/2015 23:03

I was a bit like you. I used to cancel lessons an hour before - so I had to pay for them - all through sheer nerves. I think one day a friend told me to shit or get off the pot so I had a stern word with myself, rang up to change snippy instructor with a total lack of empathy or humour and gave it another go with fresh eyes. After 3 fails I passed and am now a good confident driver. I really honestly thought I'd never get the hang of it at the time.

OwlinaTree · 01/02/2015 23:04

I feel your pain, the lessons are so flipping expensive.

Could you take a step back from the thought of passing a test and just focus on gaining confidence actually driving? Depends on your instructor and how long you want to take lessons for, but maybe say you want to forget about manoeuvres etc for now and concentrate just on driving around where you live, doing routes you will use, like to the hospital, supermarket etc.

Could you look into the cost of insuring you on your DH's car and then get a baby sitter to sit with the children one or twice a week? Would that be cheaper than taking the extra weekly lesson? Or if not your DH another family member?

Topseyt · 01/02/2015 23:04

I certainly think that some people take much more naturally to things like driving than others.

I do drive, but I wouldn't say that I actually enjoy it the way some people seem to. I drive because I have to and yes, living where we do with limited public transport etc. it is very useful, not to mention essential with teenage children.

There are places where I would never choose to drive, especially at busy times because they are just too dog eat dog and stressful for my liking. For instance, it has been years since I last did much driving in London, though I used to sometimes when we lived there (supermarket shopping etc.). I don't think I ever will again either. I use public transport when I go there and don't feel any need to drive.

Increasingly too, I am less and less keen on driving long distances, though due to living some distance from my family I will still do it.

LucyBabs · 01/02/2015 23:08

Hi op When I first tried to learn how to drive 9 years ago I was useless!
I honestly thought there was something wrong with me EVERYONE around me could drive just not me Sad

I gave up.. as every time I walked past my car outside my house I felt that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I had my dd six years ago and found it so tough walking in the rain, snow and wind with a buggy.
I told myself I had to try.. 6 months later I was enjoying driving!
My instructor was great she was a big personality and wouldn't let me give up.

I love driving now, I am so confident. I needed that break from my own thoughts, I beat myself up and told myself I was useless Sad

You can do it Give yourself a break and try again Flowers

shampaintaste · 01/02/2015 23:09

I dont understand how mirrors work at all so just refused to use them during lessons. You can see how that may cause a problem.......

Lepaskilf · 01/02/2015 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topseyt · 01/02/2015 23:15

Oh, and I hated learning to drive with a passion.

I was taught largely by my very perfectionist Dad. He was and still is a lovely man, but he really expected far too much right from the start. It was six months of hell, and at the time nearly ruined our relationship.

It made me vow never to be the one to teach my own children to drive, as I would be awful in that role and I would really rather we continued to get on together. They will have to have lessons no matter what the cost.

GoringBit · 01/02/2015 23:25

I strongly believe that everyone has things they take to easily, and things they don't, be it driving, baking, languages or whatever, so YA definitely NBU.

I didn't take to driving. I didn't like it, and unfortunately, didn't need it, so if take some lessons, take a test, fail it, and leave it a year before starting the cycle again. It took me six tests to pass, although I don't think I'm a natural driver, I'm safe an confident enough.

Stick with it OP, if you can get any extra practice, take it. A patient instructor is great, but they have to teach you, too. If you don't feel that you're improving, or developing your road sense, look for a new one.

Good luck, and don't give up just yet.

RedSoloCup · 01/02/2015 23:33

Hi OP

I felt like this totally and I've been driving for 8 years now. I am still not the most confident driver but I am very safe as I really concentrate and plan journeys well.

I would recommend sticking to 1.5 hour lessons as I found 1 hour too short but two hours just too long, this helped me a lot although seems silly.

OutragedFromLeeds · 01/02/2015 23:36

YANBU. I think everyone could pass a driving test if they really kept at it. Would they be good, safe drivers? No. Some people just don't have the skills to do it well. It's like driving dyslexia. Driving is something you probably shouldn't do unless you can do it well, it's not like swimming or pottery.

Casperthefriendlyspook · 01/02/2015 23:37

I'd say if you can get driving practice in between lessons that would really help. I know that I got more confident and just more relaxed by driving around with my mum between lessons - even just to the supermarket, train station, etc. Mind you, that was 20 years ago.... Shock

iniquity · 01/02/2015 23:45

I have very little driving ability and suffer anxiety when driving. It took 4 years and 9 tests to pass. I only carried on because I'm a stubborn old cow.
I'm still crap a year on. The first 3 months driving on my own were terrifying. I couldn't get the right gear and there were a few near misses.
I've never been on the motorway or dared go into fifth gear on my own.
I do like going to the supermarket with a car but thats it. It hasnt been the liberating experience I'd hoped for.
My dh used to scream at me while driving but now refuses to go in the car with me unless I'm taking him to work.
7 months tbh is nothing though.

fluffymouse · 02/02/2015 01:40

I felt that way, after failing twice despite loads of lessons.

I then took an intensive course and passed on my third attempt.

Even that lady on TV (what was her name?) Who failed dozens of tests eventually passed.

I think everyone can learn to drive, it just takes longer for some than others.

I do sympathise op as my spatial awareness is pretty bad, and I am anxious about driving. I do however now drive to work everyday and love the convenience: I am fine as long as I know the roads.

Don't be disheartened!

wowfudge · 02/02/2015 07:16

Sounds as though you need a patient instructor who can really break things down into individual elements for you. It took me over a year of lessons to pass my test - my instructor wanted me to put in for my test long before I felt ready and I failed the first one and that was without me having the issues you mention OP.

I have been driving for over twenty years and love it.

A relative really struggled - I think down to a combination of poor instruction and bad habits from driving on a provisional licence with friends accompanying him. He also doesn't really have the temperament for driving and instead of accepting the rules of the road will go on and on about how they are wrong! Thankfully he never passed his test.

Honeymonster01 · 02/02/2015 07:22

Don't be disheartened Hedgehog, I was a dreadful learner, couldn't steer, misjudged distances, didn't have the foggiest what the clutch did. I made it through eventually and it has been one of the best achievements I have. Get yourself a good supportive instructor (recommendations always good) and lots of practice. I found practicing in empty car parks with a friend in the passenger seat really helped me get things sorted in my head before hitting the road. Good luck and don't give up just yet, it's a proper life skill that's worth the struggle x

AnitaManeater · 02/02/2015 07:35

I wasn't a natural driver, I had about 35 lessons, 3 tests and two theory tests but I passed on my third attempt. I sat all 3 tests within a month as my driving instructor had had enough of me and even gave me a couple of free lessons.

I didn't really have a choice in driving as I live in the middle of nowhere and the first bus doesn't appear until 9.30am. I have been driving for 18yrs now after passing at 17 and would say I'm a bloody good driver.

CheshireCait · 02/02/2015 07:50

You need to practice outside of lessons. DH and I commute together so once I had my provisional I took over the parts of the commute that weren't motorway, so I was driving about 400km a week. Admittedly lots of it was very straightforward featureless driving down a long straight road but some of it was actually useful!

With enough driving behind you, the mechanics of it become second nature and the anxiety lessens a lot.

fruitsherbet · 02/02/2015 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Latara · 02/02/2015 08:06

Not everyone drives. I would love to drive but I have photosensitive epilepsy and my medication doesn't quite work well enough so I keep having small seizures.

3 of my cousins don't drive - 1 can't afford it but I don't know why the other 2 don't drive.

It is a real pain not being able to drive though! So if I was you I would keep trying.
I remember that my mum really struggled but then she got a good older female instructor who was really patient. Mum tried for ages and then finally passed her test in her late 30s - I remember because I was about 7.
She has never looked back!

However one of my friends is dyspraxic and just can't seem to pass any tests at all. Her eyesight is terrible too and I think that doesn't help. But she lives in a hilly town with 2 toddlers and it would be good if she could drive, I just don't think it's for her.

CowboyJoeFromMexico · 02/02/2015 08:50

I'm 41 and I've been having lessons on and off since I was in my twenties, most recently for 18 months with a lovely instructor. I have now accepted that I can't do this, I have probably spent enough money on lessons to afford a private chauffeur and I've had enough.

I am dyspraxic and have had lessons tailored to this but I can't do it. I can't follow spoken instructions whilst doing other things, I have no spatial awareness so will sit at a roundabout forever and I find it impossible.

Not everyone is capable of learning to drive and I've stopped beating myself up about it. People can be so bloody patronising ("you're STILL learning, I only had three lessons" etc etc) and I feel much better now I've given up.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 02/02/2015 08:58

Extra practice between lessons only helps if the person is super patient and has no bad habits. Otherwise it can hinder progress.

I hated learning and expected once I passed to love driving but I just don't. I am glad I did it but every journey I make I still hate and am glad to arrive and get back home. It's much harder doing it alone after passing.

MadisonMontgomery · 02/02/2015 09:42

No, driving is like any other skill - it comes easily to some, but anyone can do it with enough practice & the right instructor. I took my test loads of times with the instructor all my friends passed with - she made me really nervous & I lost all confidence. Gave up for a year then tried again with a different person - he was fab, so calm & unfazed by any mistakes! I also got my mum to put me on her insurance & drove everywhere, even 5 minute journeys.

KidLorneRoll · 02/02/2015 09:46

I do think there should be some sort of cut-off that says, actually, you've failed your test x number of times, maybe it's not for you. The roads are dangerous enough as it is.

BolshierAyraStark · 02/02/2015 09:57

I think it is a skill that some people just don't have, I'm sure that with endless attempts you will at some point pass your test-doesn't mean you should be on the road though.

Agree that there should be a limit on the amount of tests a person can take.

DazzleU · 02/02/2015 10:00

My parents insisted I learn at 17 - driving for them had meant freedom and they wanted that for us.

Coupe years later I was finally formally diagnosed not just with dyslexia but also with dyspraxia. My co-ordination and spatial awareness skills are very poor.

My first driving instructor was awful - my second recommended through a friend learning was great. He didn't do hour lessons - it was 2 hours and it did take two attempts but I did pass the driving exam and that was with a manual car.

I haven't driven much since - mainly cost though parents who took me out afterwards did destroy much of the confide I had.

I married someone with no interest in driving ever - IL don't drive and want to be driven round. We got around with 3 DC close together and double buggies - not easy. Even at one stage when DH was in a wheelchair - 2 toddlers, one baby and a wheelchair - got the bus rides and long walks were hell thankfully it didn't last long.

I honestly don't think I could have driven anyway with young DC - who don't get they need too be quiet and wouldn't get they couldn't have my attention. Plus I was tired in those early years - and my co-ordination is always worst then.

Are taxies an option for hospital appointments ?- I assume that depends on your DC problems - but we've found a really great firm locally and it's cheaper to do taxis than run a car. That might be the case for you once you factor in insurance going up - or extra petrol if you need to share the car you have.

I think you could probably do it - possibly with an automatic - once you've overcome your anxiety which won't be helping but suspect you'd also need to build your confidence post test as well and deal with driving with young DC.