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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this view is unfair on children?

86 replies

Horseradishes · 01/02/2015 12:59

A friend of mine said that if she'd forked out thousands to pay for a private education for dc, she'd be disappointed if at the end of it the dc decided to do a fairly 'menial' job that required no qualifications. She added that she'd have loved a private education, which a friend of hers squandered allegedly.

I said that I don't agree, as it's up to parents to choose an education and dc should be free to choose their own path as adults.

Aibu?

OP posts:
BackforGood · 01/02/2015 15:44

I agree about it being an emotional thing.
I think a lot of people (if they'd paid for private education or not) would feel somewhat disappointed if they knew their dc were capable of achieving a lot more than they did, and ended up living in poor quality housing / having to move on regularly as renting / struggling to feed clothe and provide for their dc, etc.,etc., when you knew "If only....." might have got them better salary, better opportunities.

I don't want to dictate what my dc do when they leave school - the main aim is that they will be happy, but we all know that having enough money coming in, makes it easier to be happy, than if you are really struggling.

richthegreatcornholio · 01/02/2015 15:45

YABU I'm with your friend I'm afraid.

Fabulous46 · 01/02/2015 15:48

I don't understand why parents would be disappointed with what career path their children decide on. All of our children were privately educated and not all of them decided to go to Uni. I'm not disappointed that they didn't go to Uni, it was their choice not to and I don't feel that the private education they had was waste of money. YANBU OP.

TidyDancer · 01/02/2015 15:50

I have a friend who went to one of the most prestigious schools in the country, as did her three siblings. She works in a call centre, her two brothers works in a bar and a shop respectively and her sister is becoming a lawyer as we speak. Her parents are equally proud of all their DCs. As they should be.

Op, yanbu.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/02/2015 15:54

Maybe because they were capable of so much more and it was because they didn't make an effort and when they get to 40 and spend their life skint and still living at home because they earn minimum wage and regret having not put some effort in?

I refuse to believe that someone would be happy having sacrificed everything to put their kids through school only for them to work part time flipping burgers with no hope of supporting themselves.

no I'm not insulting people in menial jobs as I have one but I hate it and I couldn't imagine my kids doing it because I'd hope they had more options than this.

Daisy17 · 01/02/2015 15:56

This thread makes me love my mum (even more!) - I was going through a bad time a while back and feeling like I'd taken many wrong turns and not ending up fulfilling my potential and I said to her (so the other way round) that I felt so guilty that I hadn't done something amazing with the education that they had paid for and she said that they gave me the education to enable me to become as rounded and interested a person as possible and to give me the tools to enjoy my life whatever it was I chose to do. That's the right attitude!!

Daisy17 · 01/02/2015 15:59

Doesn't mean she wouldn't worry about me if I was on the bread line or had dropped out of life because of depression or something, she's my mum, but it wouldn't be linked to a feeling of disappointment or having wasted their money in my education.

Fabulous46 · 01/02/2015 16:00

she said that they gave me the education to enable me to become as rounded and interested a person as possible and to give me the tools to enjoy my life whatever it was I chose to do

Your mum is so right. This is the way I look at my children's choices.

LadyCybilCrawley · 01/02/2015 16:08

I'm with Daisy here - we scrimp save and forego to send our children to a private school - We don't do it so they can have high flying careers or get into a great university - we do it so they can learn in, hopefully, a well balanced thoughtful environment where values are important and individuality is respected - the goal is that they grow into confident independent individuals with integrity and self respect and respect for community - if our local government funded school had this environment we would send them there but unfortunately it has 400 children per grade and 40 students per class so the poor teachers despite best efforts can not possibly give individual attention

OllyBJolly · 01/02/2015 16:19

Agree with Daisy and Fabulous.

Isn't the great thing about education (formal and informal) that no matter what, no one can take it away from you? I don't think I realised that until I was long past school age, and I just went to (absolutely excellent ) state schools.

I think I'd be disappointed if I felt my two weren't stretching themselves and opting for an easy life but that's probably more about parenting than education.

fredfredgeorgejnr · 01/02/2015 16:22

It really shows up the problem with private education, it's an absolutely horrible investment, if you'd not done it, you could've given the new adult hundreds of thousands of pounds gives an awful lot more flexibility in their future life than the tiny marginal earning power they might have.

Takingthemickey · 01/02/2015 16:24

Can we all be honest for once! Whether private or not I hope education means that my children do not end up in a menial job. I cannot control everything but is not bad to have aspirations for your children.

Reading mumsnet as opened my eyes to the real struggle of trying to make ends meet. If education can stop them from being vulnerable to zero hour contract, govt cuts etc i would be disappointed if they did not take advantage of opportunities they have been given.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/02/2015 16:33

exactly taking

I've had no end of crappy jobs. I've been grabbed inappropriately, insulted, threatened, shouted and sworn at, worked when really ill due to no cover, pulled 13+ hour shifts, gone without food for days as no money, messed about, All for minimum or just above minimum wage jobs.

I do not want that for my kids.

motherinferior · 01/02/2015 16:33

Is it ok for kids like mine to do menial jobs, then?

TheyLearnedFromBrian · 01/02/2015 16:39

Hah! Well, that's certainly one way to ensure your kids end up no contact...

MaryWestmacott · 01/02/2015 16:40

Agree with takingthemickey - a well paid non-manual job gives options to your dcs, money makes a lot of things easier, and a job that isn't reliant on physical strength can be carried on later in life - important for the next generation who will probably have to wait longer for smaller pensions.

A well paid, non-physically demanding job is what most people hope for their dcs, options and choices come from money, and that often comes from education levels. People who are paying out for education in a hope to get something better than they can get for free are doing do in the hope of getting more options for their children, it would be disappointing if that sacrifice isn't used and your dcs pick a career path that gives them limited security, financial struggles and you can see will cause problems later in life when their bodies aren't up to the work anymore, but they've not earned enough to be able to retire early.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/02/2015 16:43

No one's said They would in any way express feelings to the children.

BackforGood · 01/02/2015 16:47

Quite, Giles. this is about what you would probably feel inside.

GokTwo · 01/02/2015 16:49

I want my dd to be happy in whatever she chooses to do. However, I would hate her to not try to do something job wise due to lack of confidence in herself so for that reason I would be sad if she ended up in a boring low paid job. I do have quite a lot of friends that weren't encouraged as kids and feel they missed out.
Otoh I have a friend who was pressurised by his parents to follow a certain path. He did so and was totally miserable.

She's being reasonable if she's upset that her DC may end up unhappy. She's not if it's about status or feeling short changed.

GokTwo · 01/02/2015 16:49

Giles.....yes, that's true though.

GokTwo · 01/02/2015 16:51

My dd goes to a state school.

HamishBamish · 01/02/2015 16:51

A private education can't turn a chid into something they're not. Parents need to understand that it's their decision and theirs along to spend money on school fees. What happens after that is down to the child. It's not fair to hold a child to ransom over the cost of their education when it wasn't their choice in the first place.

usualsuspect333 · 01/02/2015 16:53

Good job there are people who do menial jobs or we would all be fucked.

As long as it's not a privately educated person or a mumsnetters offspring doing it, that's ok then.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway · 01/02/2015 16:56

amen to that, usual. People should be very very grateful to all those doing all these jobs they consider beneath them, or a waste of an education, because they'd be up shit creek without them.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/02/2015 16:58

Oh yes I forgot, we must not provide our children with these opportunities or express any secret hope that hey might do something more than we did because people take it as a dig.

It's not.