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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL cut 2 year old's hair.

84 replies

SummerHouse · 31/01/2015 21:07

MIL has DS2 one day a week and does a brilliant job. He loves going to her. He has only ever had one hair cut over a year ago. His hair is very wispy and curly so it is not that long. I am not specifically growing it but when DS1 goes to the hairdresser we ask if he wants his doing and he always says no.

MIL sent a text to me at work confessing the cut saying it was in his eyes. I got home to find she has cut a fringe but also all the back. Its still quite long but more of a he-man style bob.

I am suppressing some annoyance but AIBU to just let this go. My instinct tells me not to rock the boat as she is an incredibly stubborn woman but I also don't want her to do it again.

OP posts:
MakeHayRidesAgain · 01/02/2015 08:44

My mother cut ds's hair, and she did it beautifully - but I had asked her to. She would never do it if I hadn't asked (but did drop a few hints about it getting long...). She loved doing it and I would ask her to do it again.

Doing it without being asked is overstepping the line - hair is such a personal thing and usually causes very strong reactions!

FamiliesShareGerms · 01/02/2015 08:45

It's hair, folks!! Yes, cutting it without permission crosses a line, but going crazy, punching, screaming? Really?? Confused

Pumpkinette · 01/02/2015 09:25

My mum done this to my DD when she was 2 and cut a fringe on her (when there was previously no fringe) I made it very clear I was not happy with her cutting her hair without asking and she wasn't to do it again. I didn't want DD to have a fringe as it's one on those things that need constant trimming to make it look good.

I would let MIL know that you aren't happy she cut it without asking and tell her she's not to do it again. Why do people think it's ok to cut other peoples DC's hair? It doesn't matter that they watch them on a regular basis or not, it's still not their place to do this.

PacificDogwood · 01/02/2015 09:29

I agree with those who've said be assertive, but not aggressive about it.

It's hair - it'll grow.
Yes, she overstepped a line and needs to be told not to, but clearly it's not worthwhile ruining what sound like otherwise a quite nice relationship over.

Those who'd 'go apeshit'?? Really?! Hmm

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 01/02/2015 10:37

If his hair was "in his eyes" then that's not good for his eyes (irritant) or the risk of him falling due to having his vision obscured.

If he had a long fingernail would you object to having that cut or let him scratch himself.

And summerhouse I find your time machine comment a childish one TBH.
Hmm

Dowser · 01/02/2015 10:58

Speaking up for grandmas .

You can't always trust a hairdresser either. My grandson had lovely long ( to his shoulders) blonde hair and his dad took him to have an inch off the bottom and a little bit thinned off the top.

What happened next was the stuff of a horror film

He came out with a dark haired short wonky cut with a fringe!!!

It looked like his dad had taken one child and came out with someone else's. My grandson was unrecognisable.

I could have made a better job ( and I have in the past) and I'm not a hairdresser.

Original poster
SummerHouse · 01/02/2015 11:02

As I have said I have never seen his hair in his eyes. It just does not fall that way. Now he has a fringe I will have to keep cutting it if it does get in his eyes. I think MIL used that as an excuse. As I have also said she cut the back too. Neither the back or the front was in his eyes. I have just been through every photo on my phone and it is never in his eyes.

OP posts:
JennyBlueWren · 01/02/2015 11:25

We used to go to gps twice a year for a week (being dreadfully spoilt!). Can't remember why or at what age but my GM decided I would suit shorter hair and cut my lovely long hair. Mum was very not impressed! Apparently her own hair had always been a battleground when she was younger with her liking to grow it long and her mum cutting it shorter and putting in curlers.

Original poster
SummerHouse · 01/02/2015 12:10

Sorry got a bit defensive there. My OP does imply his hair was in his eyes. Blush

OP posts:
CalicoBlue · 01/02/2015 12:27

I did not cut my DS's hair till he was two. He had lovely curly blonde hair and long eyelashes, he looked like a girl. I thought it was so sweet. I got lots of hassle from my mother and MIL. Could not understand what their problem was, what did it matter if he looked like a girl? He was not even 2.

I would have gone nuts if either had cut his hair.

I did cut it at 3, though till he was 16 he wanted long hair. Up to him what he does with his hair now.

mix56 · 01/02/2015 12:37

Just ask her to pass it by you next time she feels it needs a trim.
She sounds lovely, she will be mortified !
Of course you do know that Ds will cut his own hair at some point ! :o)

MildDrPepperAddiction · 01/02/2015 12:46

I would go batshit if someone did this.

CalicoBlue · 01/02/2015 13:02

Of course you do know that Ds will cut his own hair at some point ! grin)

When I was getting married I had my 3 year old sister as bridesmaid. Two days before the wedding she cut off all her amazing ringlets to a short spiky cut. I was not amused at the time.

dietcokeandwine · 01/02/2015 13:17

OP you sound lovely, and very pragmatic and sensible. And I suspect you would be very right not to rock the boat.

In your shoes I would be tempted to have a calm chat with mil and say something along the lines of, 'you know how grateful we are to you for all your help, and the DC adore you, but I really don't want you to cut DS's hair, please don't do it again.'

As you say, she has DS for a day a week (and presumably saves you childcare costs??-you'd be looking at £100 per day for nursery, or £10-12 ph for a nanny, round where I am) and does it well. Fine to express dismay at the haircut but not worth damaging good relations for.

I am always faintly aghast at people's reactions to unasked for haircuts on here. The 'I'd have shrieked/punched/lost it/gone apeshit' brigade just baffle me.

It is hair. It will grow back.

I would be 'livid' or 'apeshit' if someone deliberately hurt my child whilst taking care of them, or were negligent in some way....but not if someone gave one of them a haircut. Confused Doubt I'll ever really understand the 'mumsnet rage' on this subject!

Original poster
SummerHouse · 01/02/2015 14:05

Thank you dietcoke. You sound very wise and I agree with everything you said. I am not angry just a bit annoyed. She saves us a massive ammont of money (although only £38 a day for nursery here) but its much more than that. Its knowing he is one day less in childcare and knowing they are there in an emergency and know their routine. I know I am very lucky to have her and I will not rock the boat. I am new on here and don't remember ever seeing a haircut thread. Sounds like its quite common!

OP posts:
FryOneFatManic · 01/02/2015 14:22

I am very grateful that neither DM not MIL ever even suggested a haircut for my DCs, let alone go ahead and do it.

I would not have been happy. It's all well and good saying the MIL does a lot to help, but there are still some boundaries grandparents shouldn't cross.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 01/02/2015 14:33

I'd also go in with a calm but firm approach with MIL. Ours had DD two days a week (including overnight) when DD was small, so saved us loads of money and DH & I got to go out one night a week too. She didn't cut DD's hair but do a few other little things (nothing awful) and we took a gentle, respectful approach whilst also being clear that we would rather it wasn't done again (or in the case of fruit shoots, limited to 1 per day rather 6!).

You have to be able to be honest with whoever looks after your DC and it is harder when it's a family member. But resentment eats you up and if you don't want it repeated you do need to say something, otherwise they don't know and are likely to think they're being helpful and do it again.

Mammanat222 · 01/02/2015 14:36

I'd have been furious.

OH gave ds a haircut with his clippers a few months back. It started as a number 4 but OH kept having to even it up. Little one ended up with an all over number 1 buzz cut. I sobbed for an hour when I got home and saw it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 01/02/2015 15:05

My mum cut DD1's hair while I was in hospital having DD2 (stayed in for almost a week for various reasons). I didn't go "apeshit" or anything but it totally freaked me out - I barely recognised this massive noisy bouncy toddler DD1 compared to little tiny newborn DD2. It was really hard to deal with - I felt like I had abandoned or forgotten about or betrayed PFB DD1 or something by not recognising her. It's hard to put into words. Odd, I know that.

Nanny0gg · 01/02/2015 15:16

I'm a grandma.

It wouldn't occur to me to cut any of my DGC hair. Not my place to do it.

And in the mother's shoes, I'd be livid too, whether it's going to grow back or not.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/02/2015 15:48

I'm not sure if it's a 'thing' for everyone else, but for my family 'first haircut' was an important milestone. Granddad was the 'town barber' so it was quite ceremonial when we were sat in his chair (or our mum's laps) for him to snip (and save) our curls. Even though he's been gone for ages, it's still 'a thing' for us to make quite a deal out of our children's first haircuts. In that, I'd be VERY upset if my MiL had taken it upon herself to cut either of my sons' hair for the first time. Otherwise, it's just hair, it grows back.

I'd certainly mention to her to not cut it again without consulting with me first. But I wouldn't look at it as indicative of how her entire relationship with her grandchildren and with me as their mother was going to be. But I was very blessed with my late MiL. Other than sneaking them the occasional bottle when I was trying to wean to a cup, she never countermanded me or went against my 'rules'.

If there are other indicators that she will ignore or countermand you, then perhaps a more pointed discussion with her is needed. Otherwise, mention it but let it go.

Heleng1982 · 01/02/2015 16:30

I would be mad too Angry my dh shaved our ds2 hair when he was 16 months he had lovely floppy curly hair. I wanted to kill him I was so upset, so it would of been even worse if mil did it. you are not been unreasonable

drudgetrudy · 01/02/2015 16:35

I'm a grandmother who wouldn't dream of doing this too-not my place as NannyOgg says.
I would have been v annoyed if my Mum had done it to my kids without asking me.
I know it doesn't hurt them and hair grows back-nevertheless I would have been angry.

BeeRayKay · 03/02/2015 10:48

I have a foot in both camps here.

when my brother was a toddler (12yr age gap) he had the most awesome tight curls in his hair, it was short. my stepdads dad cut it all off. shaved it actually! we were all heartbroken, it never did grow back into curls. straight as a die now.

and my eldest, well she was bald until she was 3. and her hair grows painfully slow so if any one cut her hair without discussion with me and dh I'd be disappointed. she now has mid back length poker straight hair. its amazing.

conversely, a bloody stranger could go get my youngest dd's hair cut and I'd love them for life. her hair is just this mop on her head. always looks as scruffy. even when it's just washed and dried. she unfortunately has mine and dhs hair, it's quite funny

HotSquashedBun · 03/02/2015 11:25

I can't believe all the people who would be "livid" or "fuming" over this! OP you come across as lovely. In your shoes I'd be a bit pissed off and I may mention that I didn't want her to cut it again but I certainly wouldn't be livid or view it as a huge deal.
I think you'd be right to just let it go, you have a great attitude towards your mil.