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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To work to a totally different routine than my dsil asked for my baby nephew?

106 replies

wallyfrog · 31/01/2015 17:38

My db and dsil have gone away for the weekend and left their ds with me, his auntie. I have 3 children, all older. We have a very busy house... 3 kids all over 7 but not teens, 2 dogs, 1 cat and 1 rabbit, I do 2 jobs and life is chaotic in a loud but fun way.

Dn is 14 months old. Lovely. He doesn't spend much time with me. He doesn't spend much time with anybody. He has no siblings. He lives a very quiet life in terms of level of noise and what he actually does each day.

My db and dsil watch TV with the subtitles on and don't flush if dn is asleep. Both of them have brought him up to live on a Spanish routine, in that he wakes at 9, has breakfast at 9.30, snack at 11.30, lunch at 1.30, siesta from 3-5, dinner at 7.30 and bed at 9.30.

I have no problem with that routine at all. Each to their own and he is thriving and very happy. However, I have brought my children on a traditional 1970s English routine. Up at 6.30, breakfast at 7, lunch at 12.30, dinner at 5.30 and bed at 6.30-7. My dh and I like an evening to ourselves and they have to get up early for school anyway.

When I willingly agreed to babysit for the weekend, I hadn't realised that they would want me to follow their routine. I've had written notes, with the times in different colour and under lined bits.

Now I know that it is for my benefit so that if my nephew gets upset I can know what may be wrong by looking at the clock etc. But I can't really follow 2 routines, it is quite difficult with so many other pressures/people. So I have kind of ignored all notes and done everything to my families routine. He seems okay with it.

Perhaps I will 'pay' tonight. AIBU?

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 31/01/2015 20:33

I'm a single mum with a 10mo DD so routine has been a godsend for me. And on the rare occasions my parents have had her overnight (twice), yes I've let them know her general routine, mainly to help them out as it's tried and tested.

However. If it were for a full weekend and the people looking after her had children of their own (and therefore their own way of getting through a day with children), I'd never expect my routine to be stuck to. I'd tell them about it, but that's all. The minder's family cannot all be expected to change everything they do, especially with 3 older children in the house.

To be honest, the fact that it's been written down complete with highlighted bits and underlined bits strikes me as rather cheeky. Kind of like she's saying 'here's how your weekend is going to be'.

If she seems in the slightest bit ungrateful when she gets back, remind her that there were 4 children in the house, not one, and that you were doing her a favour.

NickyEds · 31/01/2015 20:45

dh and i like an evening to ourselves
I'd be tempted to forgo this just for one weekend and attempt to stick to the routine. Your b&sil sound perhaps a little bit precious but it's your nephew's routine and drastically changing it (on purpose) will probably just end in an upset little boy. It also sounds like the routine is very important to your db&sil.
I would not, however be in a desperate rush to offer up babysitting again! I have a 13 month old and any conversation with my sister about having him for the weekend would go like this:
Dsis- "If I'm having him he needs to fit in with us"
Me- "Fine, Thank you for having him"
Dsis-" His routine might go out of the window"
Me- "Fine, Thank you for having him"
Dsis- " Seriously, I'm going to let him stay up late and watch LOADS of tv"
Me- "Fine, Thank you for having him"
Dsis- "He's going to have chocolate followed by cake for his tea"
Me- "Fine, thank you for having him"
Grin Grin
But, I am the kind of rebel that watches tv with the sound ON and flushes the toilet whenever I want!

TeddyBee · 31/01/2015 20:53

I didn't notice any difficulty with my older two adjusting to getting up for school - we were/are late risers and they go to bed at 8pm now (5 and 4) and get themselves up around 7.30. I do find it much nicer to keep them on our schedule (late to bed, late to rise) than to enforce an earlier bedtime so we get an evening on our own. At the OP's nephew's age, bedtime for them was at nine/nine thirty and my four month old is in a bouncy chair watching Downton Abbey with us as I type.

TheGirlWhoPlayedWithFire · 31/01/2015 20:53

I actually think the onus is on the parents of DN here.

When it was being discussed about the OP taking him for the weekend I assume his 'routine' wasn't discussed. The OP seemed surprised when DN turned up with a colour coded set routine. If the parents wanted their child to stick to the routine they should have informed OP at the time of asking to care for DN, not when dropping him off.

That way the OP could have been extremely clear that with three other children she couldn't stick to the routine. OP could have compromised or refused to have DN based on the knowledge of the full expectations the parents had on the OP.

I actually think that the parents are out of order for not notifying the OP when they/she originally agreed that the OP would care for DN. Like any other oral agreement most people would be majorly annoyed if the other party dropped something like that on another at the last minute.

OP - be apologetic to your DB/SIL but stick with what you're doing if DN isn't too badly affected by it.

lljkk · 31/01/2015 20:58

"a little precious" A "LITTLE"? Notes with underlined times in different colours is only "a little" precious?

I imagine OP is too busy enjoying her toddler-free evening to bother with updating us. Grin

DamnBamboo · 31/01/2015 20:58

I would advise that you do what works for him to be honest.
He may not be happy changing to your routine, but he may love it.

I wouldn't go out of my way to alter his day's routine if I was only having him for a weekend. It's not long enough to justify the change to him or the inconvenience to you!

BMO · 31/01/2015 21:03

Seems a bit mean to upset a baby who is away from home with people he doesn't know that well, just for the sake of two nights of watching unsuitable TV a little later than usual.

Branleuse · 31/01/2015 21:05

if its his first time away from his parents, i think it will be nicer for him if he at least has a similar routine to home. Obviously within reason

Passmethecrisps · 31/01/2015 21:12

Is the baby upset? Personally, I would go with his routine as it is right now. Being away from mum and dad and in amongst lots of stimulation could either knacker him out or have him climbing the walls. No amount of 'timetabling' is going to account for that.

The first time I left Dd with anyone I left three pages of notes including nap times, preferred method of getting to sleep, exactly which foot in ewan the sheep to press and how to make up the formula. In fairness there was also stuff about allergies and meds. This journal was left for the use of my mil who had three of her own!

Thankfully she claimed to be delighted and grateful. She saw it as making her life easier if she knew what to expect. I certainly wouldn't have been put out had things not gone to plan.

I think a wee bit of flexibility on everyone's part is necessary

Passmethecrisps · 31/01/2015 21:14

And I have no idea if the correct foot was used!

Opopanax · 31/01/2015 21:14

You seem a bit convinced that your way is the best way. Maybe it is and was for your kids, but not all kids are the same. Also, quite honestly, if you are looking after an under 3 year old, yes, I think you need to make an effort to adapt to his or her routine. I think you are being snippy, rude and unhelpful.

If I were looking after any kid under about two or three, especially overnight, I would certainly assume I would have to adapt my personal routine to theirs because I would want them to be happy.

ChippingInLatteLover · 31/01/2015 21:17

Of course it makes sense to hand over some notes about his normal routine, it's pretty daft not to. It's up to the 'host' how much they can/do stick to it, but at least it gives them a idea of why they might be crying/unhappy/stroppy little bugger.

There's loads you can watch with a 14 month old playing in the same room! as long as it's not violent you're pretty good to go.

Dimplesandall · 31/01/2015 21:26

Goodness, OPop, shes doing yhem a huge favour and has her own young kids to deal with! Plus animals. Easy to pander to pfb when no other commitments but not otherwise.

Aridane · 31/01/2015 21:31

Perhaps speaking to your brother would have been an idea?

Guyropes · 31/01/2015 21:44

Aridane: good point!!

maddening · 31/01/2015 23:00

Also - a baby away from it's parents, in a less familiar house, out of his routine may not give you a child free evening - at that age with teething etc as well as the lack of own parents/bed/home/routine night waking are to be expected - unless you have forgotten already what 13mth olds are like?

notonyourninny · 31/01/2015 23:08

Do what you have to do then lie. I think their routine is lovely and can be changed for school of course.

herintheredskirt · 01/02/2015 08:30

If a child came to stay with us for the weekend, we would just do what we usually do with our own two..... if the visiting child happened to sleep earlier/later that would be OK but generally I'd just expect than to become part of our family for the time they were here.

herintheredskirt · 01/02/2015 08:31

And I'd expect the same if my own 14 month old went to stay with another family.

nooka · 01/02/2015 08:47

I don't really see why the routines of much older children have much to do with a baby. I'd look for a middle ground re meals and keep to his sleeping routine as much as possible. It seems a bit unlikely that all the OP's children are up and eating breakfast at 7am and given their ages could easily be asked to be a bit quieter than normal for the sake of their cousin.

Oh and I am English and never aimed for a routine that had children up so early (hate the mornings!) or in bed quite so early (working parents, they wodul have been asleep almost before we got home). I was born in the 70s and I don't think I had that routine either.

ImBatDog · 01/02/2015 08:53

have i missed something?

last i knew, a 14mo was incapable of reading a clock.

As long as you follow the same timings (ie, length of time between things happening) then getting him up earlier should mean everything else adjusts.

i never had any issue with adapting the routine to fit in with whatever time the kids woke up. they have breakfast whenever and lunch hours later, and dinner 5 hours after that (ish)

HazleNutt · 01/02/2015 08:54

I'm in the 'Spanish routine' and while it gets messed up anyway when travelling etc, I would doubt a sudden change would be very useful. DS would be massively grumpy and a pain in the arse, if he got up at 6.30 instead of his usual 9 and didn't get his long afternoon nap. So for your own sake, might be easier to follow his usual bed- and naptimes.

MidniteScribbler · 01/02/2015 08:59

If you want someone who is caring for your child to stick to a schedule and do everything the way you do it at home, then you need to hire someone and pay them to do the job for you. If you're getting a free favour from someone, then you let them get on with it and fit things in with their own family.

mayfridaycomequickly · 01/02/2015 09:09

My friends have their nearly 3 year old dd on their routine - bed is between midnight and 1 am, up for 10.30am, lunch at about 2pm. I hate it when they come to stay as my ds is on 7am wake up, 7 -7.30 bedtime.

They reckon she'll adapt easily for school and that they've got ages to sort it...

Allshallbewell · 01/02/2015 09:11

I think YABU. You've doing something really lovely for you sil by looking after your DN for the weekend, why spoil it by deliberately changing his routine to one that suits your family, given that it is only for one weekend. I am also a mum of 3 and life is busy and a bit chaotic but if I had agreed to look after someone else's baby for a couple of days, I would prioritise them and try to do as far as possible what the parents have asked for.