To work to a totally different routine than my dsil asked for my baby nephew?

[wallyfrog]

My db and dsil have gone away for the weekend and left their ds with me, his auntie. I have 3 children, all older. We have a very busy house... 3 kids all over 7 but not teens, 2 dogs, 1 cat and 1 rabbit, I do 2 jobs and life is chaotic in a loud but fun way.

Dn is 14 months old. Lovely. He doesn't spend much time with me. He doesn't spend much time with anybody. He has no siblings. He lives a very quiet life in terms of level of noise and what he actually does each day.

My db and dsil watch TV with the subtitles on and don't flush if dn is asleep. Both of them have brought him up to live on a Spanish routine, in that he wakes at 9, has breakfast at 9.30, snack at 11.30, lunch at 1.30, siesta from 3-5, dinner at 7.30 and bed at 9.30.

I have no problem with that routine at all. Each to their own and he is thriving and very happy. However, I have brought my children on a traditional 1970s English routine. Up at 6.30, breakfast at 7, lunch at 12.30, dinner at 5.30 and bed at 6.30-7. My dh and I like an evening to ourselves and they have to get up early for school anyway.

When I willingly agreed to babysit for the weekend, I hadn't realised that they would want me to follow their routine. I've had written notes, with the times in different colour and under lined bits.

Now I know that it is for my benefit so that if my nephew gets upset I can know what may be wrong by looking at the clock etc. But I can't really follow 2 routines, it is quite difficult with so many other pressures/people. So I have kind of ignored all notes and done everything to my families routine. He seems okay with it.

Perhaps I will 'pay' tonight. AIBU?

Kids in the house with non-overlapping sleep patterns - as a parent of twins I feel your pain believe me.

I prefer your routine (assuming there's a nap in there for him - I think mine would've struggled at 14 months without a nap, in fact one of them was still sort of taking two at that point!) but I think you and he will struggle as it's only for a couple of days. And if he does adjust to your routine it'll be a bit [blush'] when you hand back an early riser...

Well my 10.5 month old is currently on his first ever weekend alone at my parents. My mum looks after him on Fridays while I work but this is the first time overnight.

She's been texting me updates (not that I asked her to) and seems to be completely disregarding all of my usual routine.

In particular I am quite previous about his bedtime of 8pm as that means my husband gets to do his bedtime routine when he gets in from work while I tidy up and make dinner. It also means we get to sleep til 7am.

My mum said at 5pm he was getting tired and would need an early night - I have no idea why he was tired at 5 as he usually naps 3-4.

Anyway back to the OP - I do think it's a bit unreasonable to completely change a child's routine without discussing it with the parents first. Family routines suit an individual family's needs.

I just hope I don't have to deal with a completely out of sorts DS for a week after this weekend with my parents. I just wish they'd followed by instructions to be honest.

It's only one weekend. I'd be bloody grateful if someone looked after DD for a whole weekend, regardless of when they put her to bed as long as she was happy - she's 13 months and already a handful, I can only imagine what she'll be like in a few more months! I think it's lovely of you to look after him OP.

mrs

it's a bit different of they are looking after him on their own and don't have anywhere they need to be.

having to change things because of commitments you have or children is one thing and people do the best they can.

keeping them up later or feeding at wrong tomes cos they wanna spoil them.as a grand parent and don't think through what they are doing is something else entirely.

Well it sounds like you're partly doing it because you don't like how she does things.

Yanbu to do it because it fits better with your house.

Yabu for that bit of you which is saying "meh" to the Spanish way.

I fully expected you to get flamed for this like I've seen others before on similar threads.

Fair enough you're doing her a favour and he needs to fit in around your busy day but I'd be pissed if I was his mother coming home to find his routine completely disregarded.

I like the sound of the Spanish day though, if only we had nice evening to enjoy! Maybe a move to Spain is in order!

If a MNer came on here complaining that her in-laws hadn't followed her baby's routine because they didn't like it the entire thread would be totally ripping the in-laws to shit!

MN is weird.

I think YABabitU.

I wouldn't go as far as turning in subtitles or tiptoeing around but I would stick very roughly to timings and follow baby's lead. I would be v upset if you put my kids down hours earlier than their bed time (ours is also later), and they would likely not follow this. I also think your DH is a tad ridiculous re: TV. He's 14 months! It's not as if he is going to 1) pay attention or 2) understand what is going on!

He'll still need an afternoon nap but changing meal times won't be too much of a nightmare - you might have an overtired grumpy baby on your hands if he is too put of kilter but that's your choice and he may not go down when you expect him to.

If their baby is like mine was (he doesn't sound like he is though) it would be a nightmare if his routine was changed. That's the price you pay for a weekend away though. Unless they're paying you a generous hourly rate for the weekend they must realise that their baby would have to fit in with your busy family.

They were probably nervous about leaving their baby for a whole weekend and writing out instructions made them feel better. When they get him back in one piece they will (or at least should!) be happy and grateful!

Oh and I wouldn't drag him out of bed when you want to - just let him sleep till he wakes up.

I would be prepared for him being very grizzly, late afternoon, if you deprive him of his nap. And to be making life very hard for yourselves if you expect him to drop off earlier than normal.

With little ones, life is so much easier and calmer if you follow the routine they do.

Ofgs! Stick to the parents routine. Two days out of your life isn't a big ask is it. I don't know why you bothered agreeing to it in the first place if you were just going to go behind their back, on a public forum and do what suits you anyway!

Do you seriously get up at 6.30 at weekends?

So what if they put subtitles on. Maybe he's a light sleeper, maybe they have thin walls?

SugarOnTop Sat 31-Jan-15 18:11:56

remind your sil she does NOT live in spain therefore she needs to acclimatise her dc to the British standard - otherwise she is doing him a massive disservice and her son will be paying for it when he starts nursery/school.......

__

Really?

DS1 woke up at 9, napped from 2-4 then went to bed at 9-10, when he was about the OP's DN's age. Never had any problems getting him to nursery on time, several years down the line. His hours slowly adjusted as he got older. We enjoyed being able to get out of the house, in the evening.

Neither of the boys have habitually gone to bed significantly before 8. Does that make us not British, or something?

I think YANBU.

If you were looking after him alone, in his own home, then I'm sure you would happily follow their routine.

In your home, when you also have other DC to look after, you just do what you can!

I think you have to do what the parents are trusting you to do, if you don't intend to do that, you should say so, so they have the options of not leaving him with you. You are never going to entirely agree with some one elses routine, but it is their decision what is the right thing for their baby.

I'm actually with the YABU few here, OP. If the parents have left DN with you on the understanding that you'll follow his routine, it doesn't strike me as very fair for you to totally disregard that. It'll mean an easier life for you - unless your DN kicks off - for two days, but probably a lot of trouble for them and him. Why not just say you couldn't take him if it's too much hassle to accommodate him and his usual schedule?

When you say you 'can't' follow two routines, did you actually try? As someone said upthread if your lot were all awake early and woke him up then fair enough or you had somewhere you had to be in the afternoon that required an early lunch and made nap time difficult then also fair enough. Your whole household shouldn't have to change to accommodate your nephew. But if you took one look at the routine and thought 'bollocks to that' then I think YABU really. Yes, the notes are a bit precious but I'd have at least had a crack at following them personally.

I'm a childminder with a busy house full of similar aged children but I do TRY to accommodate the routines of the children I look after. It's finding a middle ground isn't it? You don't need to ruin your whole weekend and upset your whole family for one small child but neither should the wishes of the parent and what the child is familiar with be completely and totally disregarded IMO.

I don't think YABU as such but I do think you could try to more or less follow their routine (by which I mean, not diverging from it by more than an hour at any point). Some children are more sensitive to (a) noise and (b) routine being disrupted than others. On the other hand, I don't think a weekend will throw his normal routine completely out of kilter (but he might be grouchy for a few days).

I think that seeings as you already have 3 children in a different routine, then yanbu. It's a bit much of them really to insist on you keeping to his existing schedule - surely they should just be grateful you're looking after him.

DH and I left DD with my parents for a week when she was 2 to go on a belated honeymoon. I did give them details of her routine for reference, but also stressed that they should just do what suited them in terms of mealtimes and bedtimes. Ultimately I didn't feel it mattered as long as she was being well looked after.

Sugar on top: she does NOT live in spain therefore she needs to acclimatise her dc to the british standard - otherwise she is doing him a massive disservice

B.S. Spanish kids also start school early in the morning: often earlier than 9. They adapt their kids nearer the time. Nobody needs the 'British' way; people need to do things the way suits them best.

Including op, but it would have been fairer to discuss the 2 completely incompatible timetables in advance so the parents knew in advance how unrealistic it was for op to manage them both.

Also sunset is not at 10pm in Spain. It gets dark earlier there, due to the latitude, and there is much less variation in sunset/ sunrise than there is further north ( go to Sweden if you want midnight sun, and be shocked by the children's timetables there!)

I'm in two minds about this I have about a hundred nieces and nephews plus 4 of my own. I don't work to a routines neither do my children. I have what my brothers generally call a very liberal style of parenting attachment parenting, flexible schedules etc etc.
When I have my nephews and nieces I always say I won't be sticking to schedules one of my sil has a rigid timetable for my baby niece ( perfectly fine each to their own ) but when I had her for the weekend is said I just wouldn't be able to stick to it, it's just not possible with activites, my 4 plus visitors. She was perfectly ok with that. If she hadn't been We would have had to work something else out.
The key i think is did you tell her you wouldn't be following the routine? And was she ok with that? I don't think it's ok to take a unilateral decision.

he doesn't know you that well, he is not used to being away from his dm and at about the peak age for separation anxiety.I think he has enough to cope with without hi routine being drastically altered.I am sure you could cope for a couple of days .
BTW 8 oclock is a ridiculously early bedtime for an 11 yo who will be at secondary school in a few months.