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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think the sure fire way to tell if you have genuine friends is to become Ill

55 replies

mywholelifeisaheadache · 31/01/2015 10:33

Now I'm not talking about the kind of illness where they get kudos for being friends with the sick person or where they can use your illness at a dinner party to gain plaudits and sympathy (like cancer) but a chronic illness that disrupts your life, that turns it upside down and means you may have to drop plans at the last minute and isn't life limiting. (not saying cancer isn't like that before I get flamed!)

You know the kind of illness, chronic pain, numerous flare ups, generally makes you feel like shit but low on the sympathy front.

I can't be the only chronically unwell person with no friends can I?

OP posts:

ClaudetteWyms · 31/01/2015 10:40

YANBU about illness, but YABU about cancer - it is not exempt. I had breast cancer and lost some friends over it - some who couldn't or didn't want to deal with it. One would get up and go to the toilet when anyone else asked me how I was feeling so she didn't have to hear me talk abut my treatment And some were quite unpleasant about me wanting to hog the sympathy etc.

But it helps you sort the wheat from the chaff. Is there a support group you can join for your illness?

WeldedParentMaterials · 31/01/2015 10:41

No, I completely, completely agree with you.

MarianneSolong · 31/01/2015 10:45

I think there are also people who were the opposite. I had a long illness and some people were really good. But they didn't really want to know me once I got better. (They were hooked on the helper role, and got something out of me being weak.)

EdSheeran · 31/01/2015 10:47

I do agree with you, except on the point that some illnesses/conditions are exempt, IME it seems that you can be isolated whatever is wrong with you physically or mentally.

However, on the flip side, it was a good excuse to cull some of my acquaintances and now I have real, proper friends. I only have a handful of friends but they are actually friends, not random people I socialise with and call friends.

GokTwo · 31/01/2015 10:48

I completely agree with you. I was ill for nearly 3 years with an awful virus and it's left over medical issues. I was so low for such a lot of that time. Some people were so patient and kind and others were totally invisible or the'd grill me for details when they saw me but never think to call or text any other time.

As someone who tries to go out of their way for others whenever I can I found this very upsetting. I would say though that it's made me so much more appreciative of the people who stood by me and deepened my empathy and admiration for people who have awful conditions and don't get better. I'm so sorry you feel so abandoned. Do you have support from your family?

wots4tea · 31/01/2015 11:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cleanasawhistle · 31/01/2015 11:32

I have cancer.
It has brought some distant friends back into my life.
But there are some friends and relatives who were very good when I was diagnosed and asked how I was after my 1st op 6wks ago...2nd op last wk there are quite a few who haven't even sent a txt.
Can't beleive all the promises of being there for me and 3 months later they are bored already.

Beadsbeadsbeads · 31/01/2015 11:35

YADNBU

When I was ill during pregnancy and I couldn't leave the house I didn't get a single visit or phone call from my friends.

I've never quiet looked at them in the same light again and I now consider myself to be a person with no friends. I view them as pleasant acquaintances to spend time with, but there is no one I would call a friend.

Latara · 31/01/2015 11:36

I have had serious mental health problems; one friend did drop out of sight when I had to stop drinking because of all the medication, but my best friends stayed with me all the way.

Also some people behaved quite surprisingly - colleagues who I didn't think cared about me have shown that they do care, and one girl kept asking me to go out with her right through my mental health crisis, it was as if she barely noticed I was ill. She is having problems at work now so I am there for her.

BiscuitsofYum · 31/01/2015 11:43

I agree, the things that change your life test the friendships you have built... The stuff like long term illness or even gaining a new baby can really show how strong you thought your friendships were.. Its sad really, how people can abandon you like that, abandoning term being used lightly

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 31/01/2015 11:53

Totally agree.

Out of quite a large circle of people I considered friends, when I became ill and couldn't leave the house easily due to physical issues, only two of these people now regularly come round to see me, bring cake, don't care that I'm in my PJs etc. And they aren't the two people I thought would!

I think as texting, emailing etc is so prevalent these days, it's an easy but lazy way of being friends if that makes sense. It's easy to text someone and say "how are you?" But if you're really ill and down, it's not so easy to text back how you really are, it feels like you're moaning and over sharing to what is really a polite, perfunctory enquiry.

But I do see it as a good thing now, I know who my true friends really are, and who really cares about me.

I find it also has the same affect on a lot of relationships, I know a few people whose partners have bailed now the chips are down and life isn't easy. It's a real test and separates the wheat from the chaff for sure.

Peepants78 · 31/01/2015 12:24

Completely agree. I now have very few friends compared to before my diagnosis. At times I feel so lonely that it almost physically hurts. I do go to support groups and also have volunteered when able which has helped a little. But having an illness in common is not necessarily the same starting point as having a shared hobby/career/childhood.

I can see how it's happened and I don't blame them at all. I have bags of empty time now I can't work and my friends have far less time. Understandably they fill their own precious time off with activities that aren't always practical for a disabled person. I suppose I have less to discuss/gossip to share now that I'm not part of things and I'm certainly capable of less physically and financially. I'm not the fun 'me' anymore. I know all this but it still hurts.

My illness is not overly life limiting and I have a truly wonderful DH and two beautiful DC. I consider myself lucky.

PassMeTheFrazzlesPlease · 31/01/2015 12:37

I agree. I found that some people, who I would have expected to care, were nowhere to be seen. However, there were other people, who I would previously not have classed as close friends, that turned out to be really supportive and thoughtful.

GokTwo · 31/01/2015 12:48

That is very true Frazzle, some people surprise you in a good way too.

Summerisle1 · 31/01/2015 12:50

Agree that you certainly discover who your friends are when illness strikes but would say don't assume that people with conditions like cancer are immune from disappearing - or to be fair disengaged - friends. That's not to say the support isn't there but sometimes it comes from surprising sources. Sometimes it just doesn't come at all and I think that there really are quite a lot of people who simply can't handle ill health at any level.

CrispyFB · 31/01/2015 12:54

Agree. I ended up on strict bedrest for four months a while back during my second pregnancy and there was a very high risk I would lose the baby (she was fine as it turned out). At the start I had all these offers to visit, bring snacks etc etc.

I saw two people during that time, and one of those was once, and the other four or five times at most although she was lovely and not somebody I'd have guessed would actually be there for me.

At one point I dropped off social media altogether for almost a month as I was so hurt, and only one person asked after me to see if I was okay and it was somebody I barely knew. Confirming my paranoia that these were not friends at all.

Learned some valuable lessons about "friendship" over that and I've never really recovered from that six years later - I don't rely or trust anyone any more. I actually have a huge mental block over daring to ask for help (I never do even when I'm desperate) and pretty much none of my real life friendships go deeper than small talk. I never want to feel that hurt again.

Having said that, once I was over the hurt I've been fine and don't feel the lack for not having close friendships any more. I am not unhappy at all, but then I have four young DC and don't have time for much else. Perhaps when they are older I will need close friends again, if so, I hope I am able to get past my issues and trust again but who knows.

"Fair weather friends" - never a more apt description!

BoffinMum · 31/01/2015 13:03

When I lost the ability to walk, three colleagues who I wasn't particularly close to just stepped in calmly and did everything they could to help me, quietly, no fuss, very tactfully, always the right thing. Then when I got better they faded away again into the background. I was just amazed and it did show me a lot about who really was my friend and who wasn't.

Someone else who had been all over me like a rash when I was useful to her basically turned on me and treated me abysmally, with very little understanding of what I was going through after the initial phase. She behaved unspeakably badly and, here's the thing, sulked and made a point of showing how hard done by she felt because I was not making her the centre of attention the whole time. Says it all, really.

Anyway, OP, I think the answer for you is to remember first of all you have friends on here, which can be important, and there might be scope for making regular small opportunities to see existing friends when you feel up to it, amongst those who do understand, and they will be out there. Work out your best time of the day/week and try to build a pattern in there, and husband your strength carefully so the odds improve of being able to make a regular social slot each week.

It sounds to me like you might be the kind of person to benefit from a pain management course, which teaches you more sophisticated ways of coping along those lines. Could you ask your GP?

FatalCabbage · 31/01/2015 13:07

I could probably be accused of having dropped a friend because she was ill. Shortly after she revealed she had depression I gradually phased her out.

What a cow, eh?

At the time I was suffering severe post-natal anxiety. I barely had the mental resources to deal with my own illness, without trying to support her in hers. When I have been well (or less ill) I have been a much better friend.

Lots of people who abandon ill friends are cunts. But the odd one might have a genuine incapacity to help.

itsmeitscathy · 01/02/2015 11:31

Yup - I've had both the cancer and the chronic ill health which results from the shit they put your body through. The good thing is the friends I have now are all genuine and have stuck by thick and thin, do little things that really help like carry my shopping when we're out or plan taking in to account how far I can walk. The downside is I now look perfectly healthy and it's so difficult to get through to people that did t know me when I was ill that I'm in a lot of pain and little things can cause big problems.

You're not alone OP, chin up.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 01/02/2015 11:53

Can agree with that. You sometimes also find that people who you didn't even know that well come out of the woodwork and are there for you 100%. Then people who you thought were really good friends bring round a meal, once, then post about it on FB revelling in the glory of it as if they are some sort of Saint when you know you haven't heard from them in months.

TraceyTrickster · 01/02/2015 12:00

couldn't agree more.
A family member has a baby with severe debilitating illness and the baby has had probably 8 major ops . Lots of people are avoiding contact as they' don't know what to say'.
How are you? is a pretty good start, as is 'here's a dinner I cooked'

JoanHickson · 01/02/2015 12:02

Yanbu.

windchime · 01/02/2015 12:13

Y are so not BU. Only this week, people at work were all over a colleague who was in floods of tears because her sister's boyfriend's dad had been diagnosed with cancer. She has only met the bloke once. Attention seeking nonsense.
The disappearance of friends is not just limited to illness. Try losing both parents fairly close together and discover who your mates are. One of mine is a psychotherapist, and she never even asked how I was or if I needed anything. I am giving up on friends. My lovely family is all I need now.

nequidnimis · 01/02/2015 12:24

Unless you've experienced a serious illness or disability it's hard to know what to say or do.

When a friend of mine became ill I tried to support her but didn't want her illness to be all we talked about - not because I didn't want to talk about it, but because I assumed that she wouldn't want to.

I initially offered practical help but fretted that I was stepping on the toes of her family and closer friends, worried she'd find it smothering or interfering, or that she'd feel patronised in some way.

I'm someone who wants to be left alone if I'm struggling with grief or illness and I think I always thought that other people were like that too.

I've always said 'let me know if I can do anything' and genuinely meant it, but maybe people don't feel like they can ask.

Reading this thread is actually quite an eye opener. I expect I've let some friends down over the years without meaning to.

Pishedorf · 01/02/2015 12:31

Totally agree. I also think bereavement shows you who your friends are too. I lost my DM which catapulted my mild PND into severe clinical depression. My best friend completely binned me off. No contact at all. She apologised a while ago and admitted what an appalling friend she was to me . I've been better for a good couple of years but whilst I can and have accepted her apology, I do not want to renew that friendship.

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