to think the sure fire way to tell if you have genuine friends is to become Ill

[mywholelifeisaheadache]

Now I'm not talking about the kind of illness where they get kudos for being friends with the sick person or where they can use your illness at a dinner party to gain plaudits and sympathy (like cancer) but a chronic illness that disrupts your life, that turns it upside down and means you may have to drop plans at the last minute and isn't life limiting. (not saying cancer isn't like that before I get flamed!)

You know the kind of illness, chronic pain, numerous flare ups, generally makes you feel like shit but low on the sympathy front.

I can't be the only chronically unwell person with no friends can I?

I was just thinking about this subject, I have a chronic illness and when I was diagnosed 3 years ago I really did find out who my friends were. My 3 really close friends were fantastic & still are, but others I considered good friends were nowhere to be seen. I stopped contacting them & wasnt surprised when I heard nothing. However there were several work colleagues who I thought were just acquaintances who kept in touch constantly & were there for me when I went back to work. I now have 2 more really good friends who I can rely on. I think being ill and 'needed' for want of a better word really does mean people show their true colours.

Yep. Lost loads of friends during cancer treatment as they couldn't be bothered with me not being able to go out, or when I kept having health issues when they asked how I was. I don't give a toss, I still have my three best mates ever whom I've known for years, and my family.

Not helped by people like a friend of mine who looked up the symptoms of fibromyalgia and is now on DLA or whatever it's called as she hated her job. She posts regularly on FACEBOOK she's always at parties, then relapses, then always rallies so she never misses anything. (She told me this when she was very drunk one night).

A lot of illnesses don't get much sympathy- before I had cancer I developed IBS which is actually a symptom of cervical cancer sometimes, and I was crippled by it. Couldn't leave the house, had loads of time off work as I couldn't keep leaving the desk unattended, and often had accidents, it was awful. But people don't understand how life limiting something like that is.

Totally agree - I've had an injury that's put me on my sofa for the past 2 months and I'll have to stay here for at east another month, I've been signed off work. I've also had a massive family issue to deal with, added to depression. I'm single and live alone. Lots of my friends who all said 'anything you need' have vanished. I'm lonely and hurt. It really isn't much effort to send a fucking text or come and hang out for a couple of hours.

Yep, getting a long term debilitating illness will certainly show you who your friends are.

Becoming a widow has done it for me, and I'm sure it's the same for anyone who has been has experienced a big bereavement through the loss of a child or husband/wife.

YANBU

I've lost friends (and family!) over the past 12 months or so, and I'm sure part of it is for the reasons you state.
I decided to shred them, though, because I was fed up of the shitty behaviour and gossiping behind my back. I now have a couple of close friends that I know I can call on and are there for me no matter what, who understand that I'm not always there for them but do what I can.

It's a very lonely place to be, but once you've shredded the dead weight 'friends', it's much more pleasant.

Can I ask those who waited for your friends to get in touch, did you ever think about contacting them and inviting them around?

When someone sick I don't like to intrude or feel like I'm badgering them with texts about how they are.

Ptolemy I'm so sorry for your loss. That must be so hard x

Purple - yes, basically. I have tried to arrange things, have sent out messages, have done basically all I can. It's made it very clear to me that certain 'friends' actually only will do things on their terms with you putting in all the effort, and the second you need them, or they need to put in some effort, they won't. It's pretty shitty really, especially if you're the kind of person who goes out of their way to help out other friends in need.

Can I ask a question on someone else’s thread ?
I have a friend with cancer - life limiting
It feels like she has dropped me like a stone
We were so close - worked together, had kids at the same time who played together, went on holiday together.
We (family) supported her through her diagnosis and then...she just never gets back to me.
Wont set a date for anything no matter what I suggest. Just blanks invitations.
I keep emailing / texting trying to keep communication open without being too pushy. I've been in tears so often over this, Its been over a year since I saw her.
Its not that shes too ill to get out, as I do know she has kept up with other friends and has been on several holidays a year since her diagnosis.. I'm really conflicted here because I do really want to stay friends, and help if I can but I feel like I'm throwing myself at a brick wall, and it really hurts.
My Dh says I should stay in touch even if it is one sided , but I don’t think I can any more - its just too painful as we were so close. Am I being a coward ?

I posted here because so many of you where talking about dropping poor friends, and Im pretty sure I'm one of the dropped, but I just dont know why, what could I do better, or what might I have done and not realized?

Darkandlight, I would talk to her if you can, or write a real letter. Ask her if you have somehow done something to hurt her. It is hard to ask this question, and she may not give an honest answer, but I think it is worth asking.

Purple I'm always arranging things. Admittedly nothing exciting like a night out but catching up for an hour for a cuppa. I get enthusiastic 'we must arrange a date' then nothing. Then when they arrange something if I can go, I do, but sometimes I need to leave early due to pain or I may need to cancel at an hours notice because of a major flare up.

The invites have stopped and dried up now. I'm now regularly rowing with my husband because I have no one else to talk to or to sound off to and it's draining him. I physically cannot travel more than an hour before I end up in pain and sadly people around me see that as me not making an effort to see them.

As for darkandlight have you asked her outright? I know some people with terminal diagnosis see it as a time to make the final cull of people they don't want around them.

I am also acutely aware that personally when I'm feeling very unwell I become extremely selfish.

Don't pressure her dark. Just let her know you're there for her when she's ready. She may not have the energy or limited energy, physically or emotionally.
Check in with her regularly.

No I haven’t asked her. I don’t have great self esteem so I suppose that I didn’t want to hear the answer, I guess I though we had one thing, and it turns out I was fooling myself, it was something else entirely.
I think I need to move on and ignore DHs well intentioned advice.

It is a two way street. Having a serious or debilitating illness doesn't stop you being a good friend to other people.

Shonajay thank you

Can I ask those who waited for your friends to get in touch, did you ever think about contacting them and inviting them around?

I can't answer this from the perspective of someone who has been sick for a long time, but from the perspective of someone who has recently been bereaved, I had lots of people telling me to get in touch if I needed anything, and I do believe they genuinely meant it.

I have had one friend be offended that I haven't asked for her help more.

But the problem is that when your brain is in a fog, it's hard to even identify what it is you need to be able to ask, let alone find the energy to ask for something. And then there's the feeling of not wanting to pressure people, because you know that they'd feel extra guilty saying no to you when you're having a difficult time, and you don't want to be someone that puts people in that awkward position.

And sometimes, what you really need is not something that can be provided by a friend anyway. It's nice to have the offers of 'if you need to talk, call me' but what am I supposed to actually say? Everyone knows what the problem is, everyone knows it's shit, there's only so many times you can go over it!

Yup. But for me it made me ditch some friends I was only mates with because we'd been friends for ages and make some new ones. Now I've got three proper best friends who I call up and go for meals with regularly where we analyse our lives and that's much better than one best friend and a load of random half friends half acquaintances. I'm much better now, too.

Gok - grilling for details and ignoring you the rest of the time is exactly what happened to me. Except the ones who utterly ignored it and never mentioned it. UGH.

On the SN boards, we've often said that having a child with additional needs is an ideal filter. You find out a lot of people you thought were friends really aren't. just fair-weather acquaintances.
You also find some truly exceptional people that you might not have encountered.
So, I agree OP.

darkandlight that's a very good question....what should you do when you are attempting to support a friend and they ignore your messages etc? I'm in that situation with a friend at the moment. Her dd is ill and she is under a huge amount of pressure. I want to show her I'm thinking about her and I'm here if she needs help or a chat but she rarely replies so now I don't know if i'm actually annoying her now!!

I so didn't want her to feel isolated like I did when I was ill.

The thing is Caronaim I have always been one of those people who went out of their way to help friends, popping over, send little gifts, texting if I knew they were having a bad time. I don't think it's unreasonable to hope friends will return some of that kindness when you need it most.

are you a good friend yourself though?

It is especially annoying when someone you thought was a friend pretty much ditches you. But then occasionally gets in touch and uses the fact that you mistakenly thought were close friends in order to ask really personal questions and get all the "gory details". Then, having satisfied their ego /curiosity they retreat again and sit there happy that they know more than other people.

I agree completely. not just friends family too being ill has changed everything even down to the person that I am now, that has also put pressure on my relationship with dh the dynamic has changed I was the strong, go getting one. I think he finds it a struggle more than he lets on

I've recently been hurt by a friend who I was very supportive of a few years ago, she has a chronic back problem and I supported her through a particularly bad flare up. This is a condition she has had for about 20 years.

Now I'm the one who is unwell and she has not been supportive of me at all. It's really made me reassess the friendship. I've noticed how she's happy as long as plans suit her etc.. but is not willing to be flexible to suit me as now I feel I can't accommodate her, even after I've explained why it would be a struggle for me.

She is better now so there really isn't a reason as to why she can't be more understanding towards me. I wonder though as she's had this problem for so many years she just assumes that her needs should put first and it doesn't even occur to her to accommodate others.