Giving up my job so DH can pursue his dream job - AIBU to care what my employers think?

[HarryConnickSenior]

DH and I both live and work outside the UK. We met in this country, both having been sent here separately for work. Our careers have gone from strength to strength and I have had a very significant promotion to a role that is a key one in a small team.

DH's job has evolved as well and now, after 5 years abroad, his company say that his current role is best done from London. He loves the role and it has immensely good prospects. If he doesn't transfer to London they'll give the job to someone already there and he will be made redundant. However there would not be a position for me with my organisation in London.

My job pays extremely well (as does DH's) and can be very interesting. I often find it hugely stressful but not to the extent that I would have looked for a new job here if we had been staying in this country. However the view I take is that one of us will have to make a sacrifice and I am quite OK for it to be and not him. I am sure I can find something to do in the future and I have plenty of savings to give me the luxury of time to look. We are also ttc.

However I am dreading telling my employers. It's rare for women to be in the position I am in and we have been doing lots of business planning for the upcoming 24 months in which my role is fundamental, plus we have 4 juniors who look to me as a mentor. It's not the sort of position you just fill when someone leaves because it's a partnership and our business is about personal relationships with clients, though in time they will work out some sort of succession plan once the shock has subsided. However initially the other Partner in the team will have to take on all my work and there is a strong chance that he will lose a number of clients that we service jointly. He spent a long time building the practice and I feel bad that I might damage it. He's a very stress-prone person.

My employers are not used to their Partners having life partners with more or equally lucrative careers of their own. They have invested a lot of time and energy developing me and it's uncommon for Partners to leave unless they have real problems or get poached by a competitor; long term commitment to business development is implicit in the job description. I think that they will be very disappointed that I don't value my career/our business enough to tell my DH he should limit his own career options to ones which fit in with mine.

AIBU to care about what they think and how this will affect the business?

Ok, but I think that I do have to at least tell them that DH is being transferred back. They're bound to ask and it explains the timing. I think what is clear though is that, I should not try to use him as an excuse to leave because if I really wanted to stay I could convince him to find something else. Therefore I have to be honest that I actually want to go too.

In other words it goes a bit like this:

"DH's work want to transfer him back to London because his role, which he loves and which has very good career prospects, is no longer suited to being performed from Asia. If he stays here there will be limited opportunities for him and he may be made redundant. He has asked if we could move back to London and I have come to the conclusion that I am not sufficiently happy as a Partner here to insist that we stay. I think that a move back to the UK will be the best platform for me to look for opportunities elsewhere that better suit my skills and ambitions".

JackieHarris it is not a sacrifice and do you really think we left it this late on purpose? We met 2.5 years ago and for the first year of that my mother was dying so I wasn't really in the frame of mind for ttc. Your comments are cruel and unhelpful as I am already very well aware of the situation.

Honestly that is still framing it as being all about your DH and what's best for him. Your company won't want to hear that. They don't care about his career prospects. They have invested in YOU.

What about: "DH and I have decided we wish to return to the UK. DH's work is transferring him to London. We have always wanted to return to London. I would love if there was a way for me to continue with this firm, from London OR (if that's not true) I'm so sorry to be leaving the firm, but my decision to leave Asia makes it inevitable.

You need to frame it as being about whether or not the company can accommodate your return to London. Play down the DH-driving-things aspect as much as possible.

There is no magic wand to make them happy about this but they will be less-unhappy IYKWIM than if you tell them DH's job is more important than years of your own career.

It's still too much about your dh's wishes. Your employers are not interested in his decisions, really.

I still think you should go with what is there for me in London, if nothing then you gave an option.

Managing 2 international careers is very tricky - I know because we've done it for many years and through 4 moves in country. 3 times we moved for my job and once we moved for mine. No move is easy but we enjoyed every one and learnt and grew as people and a family. We turned down a couple of opportunities too because they didn't work for us at the time. Only the 2 of you can decide and you both have - London is a wonderful city, UK an interesting country and it's easy to get to Europe/us etc. Life and happiness is far too multi dimensional to say that you should make your DH stay so you'll be able to stay in your job - things change all the time so you are better to make decisions and change rather than just sit there and let it all happen to you.

You aren't letting yourself, women kind or your company down by making this exciting move with your DH. So just tell them you and DH have decided to move and that you will help them during transition. They may be surprised but just explain that you've decided on this together and it's difficult to get 2 international carriers in synch. Is it poss you could support remotely for a while too. They may have contacts on uk useful to you too.

From what you describe, you may perhaps what to work in UK. Your skills sound wonderful - building and developing long term relationships with clients. And as someone who also enjoys my work, I ended up working even when I thought I was going to take some time out after one move. But you will work that out as you get ready for the move and arrive in London.

Good luck

Why don't I proof read?!! We moved country 3 times for mine job and once for DH .

Think what holdmecloser says is perfect

HoldMe is absolutely right.

They don't care about your husband, but they do care about you.

Nobody wants to hold someone they know and care about (professionally) back from a move they really want, even if that means losing them.

I think you need to frame it (for yourself as well as them TBH) as a decision you are making about your own life.

And not one you are making to make someone else's life easier.

You have lots of good reasons to move to London. And his job makes now a good time to go. That's all they need (or want) to know about his job.

Agree with penelope.

youd be mad to follow ypur partner in this instance

Thanks all. I'll try to remember to report back after I have resigned. We're off skiing in Japan next week so won't be saying anything for a little while. Japan is fab, will miss being able to get there fairly easily, but with any luck (despite JackieHarris' doom mongering...) holidays will be way down our priority list in the next few years to come .

Care to elaborate Branleuse?

Sorry about your mum, Harry

I think TonyDanza's suggestion sounds perfect. In an event, YANBU to consider the impact your move will have upon your colleagues - this simply makes you a thoughtful and decent person. Good luck Op! :)

I'd go with (assuming they dont know the true ins and outs of your dhs role)...

"me and dh want to move to london. He has told his employers and they are happy for his job role to move with him. I understand this may not be possible with my role because xyz, so i reluctantly hand in my resignation."

Tonydanzer worded it better

Well, there will be great skiing in Europe too!

I think this comment needs to be the crux of it for you: "I don't think anyone expected me to stay in this country till retirement"

So the time to leave has come like it comes for many other expats. It's not your fault, it's not your company's fault, it is just the tyranny of geography - you have to go home now.

There is a bit of a wistfulness in your posts though. It's obvious you really love Asia. I think that's why you find the notion they'd believe you were "homesick" a bit wimpy or farfetched. Are you absolutely sure you want to come back? Is London really where you want to raise a family? Are you really drawn to the UK at all?

(There's no right or wrong answer to those questions by the way!!)

Oh God, yes, I have had a great time here but am delighted to have a reason to go home! If anything DH is sadder to leave Asia than me.

"than I am", I should say!. He's not leaving me!

That's brilliant then. Just hold on to all those reasons when you are telling your partners. It will be grand.

They'll be a bit shocked and put out but with six months' notice it will all work out. And not to sound too grim or machiavellian, but I bet most of your juniors will be fairly delighted (on a professional, not personal level!) that you're leaving, as it will be freeing up a bit of space on the ladder up for them. People will be clamouring to fill the gaps you leave, and with six months handover, most of those gaps will get filled!

"me and dh want to move to london. He has told his employers and they are happy for his job role to move with him. I understand this may not be possible with my role because xyz, so i reluctantly hand in my resignation."

Perfect

Holdmeclose is spot on - on all counts.

Hope you had a good holiday, Harry. I'm interested to know how the conversation with your Partners went. Have you resigned from your firm yet?

hi popsandpips , thanks for asking. Am still on holiday, not back in till next Tues but even then DH has to get some more info about his transfer terms before I light the blue touch paper. Last week there were multiple conversations about things happening in the future and it was so hard to say the right things while inside I was shouting " you have no idea I am on the way out the door! " Feel very disingenuous, and really dreading the moment of truth.

Hello all. Thought I'd update since you were all so kind and generous with yor advice.

DH finally got his detailed terms from his employer at the end of Feb and I handed in my notice on 2nd March.

My partner in our team in this office (let's call him David) was a bit shell shocked as he hadn't seen it coming at all; he was a bit stammery when I dropped the bombshell. However he was nice on a personal level and has actually since made a couple of comments about how he's more than once thought about quitting this job himself; I think he's a bit envious actually. The other partners in the wider team from the other offices have said all the right things about how much they rate me and are sorry to lose me, but they have not tried to guilt trip me about prioritising DH over my own career. However that may have something to do with the fact that (you lot will KILL me....) I actually told them that we were ttc and wanted to concentrate on that. It came up because they were starting to go down the route of saying they'd talk to clients in London about whether there were any positions in their organisations that might suit me and I felt it only fair to say that I wasn't really ready to throw myself into a new job as soon as we got back. It's still an option for the future though.

As soon as I mentioned babies they all got very gooey and philosophical and said that it was absolutely right for us not to miss our chance of a family, you only live once, etc etc...though one did jump the gun and start recommending IVF clinics, which was a bit odd given that I hadn't said we were having problems conceiving...I suppose he just assumed we would because of my age.

The weirdest thing was that 2 days after my resignation I was scheduled to speak at a huge conference, the most important one of our industry's calendar with all our major clients in attendance. Before resigning I made sure I had done full speaker's notes and immediately offered David the chance to step in (on the basis that I don't really need the exposure any more and he does) but he was happy for me to do it ayway. Without wanting to seem immodest, I totally nailed it and got a lot of very positive comments. Was very odd to have those conversations knowing I had already resigned. Nice to go out on a high though, if a bit bitter sweet.

David is now talking to a few possible candidates to come out from London to replace me though, knowing the candidates, I think they'll struggle to convince any of them. They're stalling on a leaving date for me pending what the potential replacements say. In a sense they have me over a barrel because I am contractually obliged to do 6 months, but I will need to push them a bit as DH needs to tell his work when he can move.

So there we go. I do hope that I don't find myself saying too often in the future "I used to be a partner in a law firm you know"...

I had a very good job that I walked away from to allow my husband to take on another role. 15 years later we are still happily married and 2 teenagers later life is on paper rosy. Personally speaking though, I feel bored and a little envious of my friends who contained with their high flying careers, It is a huge decision and one that I would urge you to think long and hard about. Like the advise before, take your time, do a proper handover and don't join your husband until you have found an equally promising job in London.