Giving up my job so DH can pursue his dream job - AIBU to care what my employers think?

[HarryConnickSenior]

DH and I both live and work outside the UK. We met in this country, both having been sent here separately for work. Our careers have gone from strength to strength and I have had a very significant promotion to a role that is a key one in a small team.

DH's job has evolved as well and now, after 5 years abroad, his company say that his current role is best done from London. He loves the role and it has immensely good prospects. If he doesn't transfer to London they'll give the job to someone already there and he will be made redundant. However there would not be a position for me with my organisation in London.

My job pays extremely well (as does DH's) and can be very interesting. I often find it hugely stressful but not to the extent that I would have looked for a new job here if we had been staying in this country. However the view I take is that one of us will have to make a sacrifice and I am quite OK for it to be and not him. I am sure I can find something to do in the future and I have plenty of savings to give me the luxury of time to look. We are also ttc.

However I am dreading telling my employers. It's rare for women to be in the position I am in and we have been doing lots of business planning for the upcoming 24 months in which my role is fundamental, plus we have 4 juniors who look to me as a mentor. It's not the sort of position you just fill when someone leaves because it's a partnership and our business is about personal relationships with clients, though in time they will work out some sort of succession plan once the shock has subsided. However initially the other Partner in the team will have to take on all my work and there is a strong chance that he will lose a number of clients that we service jointly. He spent a long time building the practice and I feel bad that I might damage it. He's a very stress-prone person.

My employers are not used to their Partners having life partners with more or equally lucrative careers of their own. They have invested a lot of time and energy developing me and it's uncommon for Partners to leave unless they have real problems or get poached by a competitor; long term commitment to business development is implicit in the job description. I think that they will be very disappointed that I don't value my career/our business enough to tell my DH he should limit his own career options to ones which fit in with mine.

AIBU to care about what they think and how this will affect the business?

I think that they will be very disappointed that I don't value my career/our business enough to tell my DH he should limit his own career options to ones which fit in with mine.

Sorry, this was the bit that gave me the impression that you were planning on putting your own career on the back burner.

If you are going to be making this move while seeking the right opportunity out of what is likely to be plentiful opportunities, then I can't see why anyone would think that.

Not that it matters hugely what they think, but reputation matters and as a woman you don't want to get a reputation for being a "second career".

Based on your subsequent posts I would present this move not as "This is DH's dream job and I'm giving up my partner position to follow him."

But as, "a wonderful opportunity has come up for us to move to London, a place we've always planned to move to and that is the best place for me to advance my career in the direction I'm interested in."

I don't think you should stay, or feel too bad. You never know they may work hard to keep you from London. And if not then look for other opportunities here.

Exactly take your Dh out of the story. Think of it and frame it as your move, your desire for me opportunities.

I think you just need to be honest. Explain your dh is being relocated to London, and that you support his decision not to leave his job and have decided to relocate with him.

It sounds like this is the ideal situation for you anyway, but your main concern is dealing with the guilt of knowing that your employers have invested time and money in your career with them.

To themsome extent you need to stop allowing yourself to indulge in feeling guilty. It's not like you planned this, and I'm sure you have more than paid back their investment with hard work and bringing funds into the company through clients.

You just need to present them with a clear plan for your next 6 months, which includes support for recruiting your successor, and for a thorough handover.

Stop worrying and allow yourself to enjoy the next stage of your life. It sounds exciting, and something you deserve to enjoy!

Although I agree with others to think very carefully at leaving this job or forfeiting career for your dh for yourself and your future, I don't think you need to feel overly guilty about your company.

Life happens - people move, get ill, get pregnant, get married, get divorced etc etc.

Just be honest with them.

Explain your dh is being relocated to London, and that you support his decision not to leave his job.

Nooooo!

Don't say that! It makes you sound like a dick.

You "support" his decision not to leave his job by leaving your own?

Hello faithful wifey who lets people down to suit her husband.

London is a world city with loads of opportunities, being able to move there with one of you going straight into a great job, and the other moving with lots of prospects, is a chance many people don't get.

Tell them you are sorry to leave and that the timing of this move has come as a surprise, but that this is the right next step for you and you can't pass it up.

No support, no following.

Moving to London, I want to make it as smooth as possible for you, so let's talk about that. Bye

Or talk about possibilities in London. I know you say not going to happen, but they sound like they value you.

If companies need to make cuts, they will make redundancies if they feel the need, and they won't care about loyalty or anything unless it matches with the finances. Never be too loyal to a business, because it's not reciprocal.

This. My dh was very loyal to his old job - he took phone calls in the middle of the night, over and over at weekends, when I was in fucking labour, he spent some of the evening of his brother's wedding leaning out of a hotel window in Germany with his laptop trying to get a good enough signal to fix a problem that had come up, he worked whilst on paternity leave.

One day he went in and went to his usual 10am monday meeting with his boss. By 10:15am he had been told he was being made redundant and been escorted out of the building. (It had to happen that way as the nature of his job meant that he had the ability to wipe out 60% of their business stream for days or even weeks in less than 5 minutes. Although they were really very thick in that it hadn't occurred to them that the fact that he was able to fix problems in e middle of the night at home means that he presumably had remote access. It was 3 days before his deputy - who was loyal to him - decided to mention it! )

Bathtimefunkster's approach is right. You are equal to your DH and you're making a joint decision about where you will live your future together - London.

Perhaps your fellow Partners and colleagues will be disappointed but they would not expect you to put your life on hold for them. Nor would they do it for you.

Also, on a slightly unrelated point re working once you have children and how that might impact your employability (raised by other posters), if you are skilled and employable as you say, then this will be no problem for you. In addition, you can always go the consultancy route where you can work from home and meet with clients in their offices, etc. great work life balance.

Good luck with the move and all the changes. It all sounds v exciting!

You're 40. You're trying to conceive. I would, therefore, suggest two things:

That you absolutely prioritise whatever optimises your chances of conceiving.
That you have a plan for how to maintain a fulfilling career in case you are not successful.

From what you have said, the former has more chance if you move together. The latter could be achieved in either place. But definitely negotiate to try to avoid any sustained time apart.

As you've made up your mind, I absolutely agree with everyone about framing this as being all about your burning desire to return to London and the UK, NOT about you prioritising your DH's career above the company who has invested a lot in you.

Thanks all.

I'm not entirely sure that they would buy my saying that I believe I have better career prospects in London. The fact is that I am a Partner in a law firm which is the position that very many lawyers aspire to for their entire careers and is definitely (barring being a top QC) the most lucrative career avenue in the profession. The usual thing to do is to build your practice as a Partner and when you go for promotion it's all about your medium term plan to do that. Not just about being technically good and available to handle the next case that comes in etc. My client relationships are all in Asia.

So while I could say that I see that I would have different opportunities in London, and opportunities to do something that might suit me better, I certainly couldn't say with a straight face that ditching all my Asian clients and starting again in London was an objectively good career choice. Therefore I would have to bring in the "following my husband" element to explain why I was planning to leave this job. But when it comes down to it the truth is that I do not feel strongly enough about continuing my own career down this path to prevent my DH from going down the path that he wants to. I think I'll just have to be honest about that with them.

No you can say you have a burning desire to move back to London. The career thing doesn't need to come into it.

Well, in a way you're in another partnership, with your husband, and this is what has been decided is the best decision for that partnership.
Shit happens and as I read in a crappy book once 'fuck guilt'.
If this move hadn't come up and you were pregnant then would you be able/happy to continue in your current role? If you had to undergo fertility treatment would you be able to in your current role?
5 months isn't a long time to be trying but your eggs aren't getting any fresher and it isn't something that you can put off.
How to handle the guilt? Sounds like you're at peace with your decision. The timing is unfortunate but is there ever a good time?

Yees, but they will still be disappointed that I am leaving them in the lurch and they'd legitimately argue that homesickness can come and go and doesn't justify drastic action right now (bear in mind I have never mentioned homesickness to them ever before, though I have felt it sometimes).

To be honest I think I'd rather be seen as a supportive wife than someone who can't cope with living abroad.

Good luck with your decisionOP .You sound to me like a very sensible woman .I agree re how you present things to current employer and about a decent 'Hand over'
I moved to be with my DH when we married-not quite comparable to your situation but I 'gave up' a house and job I loved and a great circle of friends .I was 32 and we knew we would want a family .I got another job in three months, Dd1followed when I was 35 and Dd2when I was 40.I worked pt between them and went back to work when DD2 was very young as DH was made redundant.I was glad I'd kept my hand in.It sounds to me as though you have lots if good options on the career front .
Follow your heart ,which is telling you to go with your DH ,and not your head.I wouldn't worry too much about being largely apart for 6 months .I'm sure you can arrange to hook up at optimum times,perhaps in nice European cities !.And health care in UK ,especially if you can afford to go private ,should ensure you can have investigations if nothing happens
Footnote ;friend ,after several failed IVFs ,adopted a little girl from China when she was 50 .Child is now 18 and as much theirs as any biological child they might have had .The door rarely closes .

It's not about London career opportunities, it's about you wanting to return to the UK and being fed up of Asia. It's about London, the place itself. You are making a lifestyle choice.

They won't be happy or impressed with that but it will sound a little bit better than "you are valuing your husband's job above their investment in you, and your investment in them"

Sorry, cross posted with anicesitdown: that answer was addressed to notnaice.

anicesitdown I could have continued doing this role while pregnant as there is good employment legislation here so allowances would have to be made, though I had seriously thought about giving it up after the baby was born or if IVF is needed. However have been trying not to count our chickens baby-wise so figured I'd cross those bridges when I came to them.

It's not wimpy homesickness, it is about a specific lifestyle and environment and you are making an informed choice.

It is way better to have a hankering for London than to be dumping them to play supportive wifey.

I'm not judging your choice but you asked how to frame this so you don't burn your bridges. Some burning is inevitable but you would be foolish to tell them you have decided your husband's career comes ahead of the years you and the firm have invested in each other. They will not take it well.

Thanks postchildrenpregranny .

If you and dh ever split do you think you would regret making this sacrifice for him?

I say this because leaving it until the woman is 40 to ttc is very late. There is a big chance you may never have a dc. Is your dh determined to have DCs? If so I'd be worried that if he can't have a dc with you he could leave for someone else who can. It's not uncommon for men to ditch their late 30s/40 something wives for a younger model who can pump out a few DCs and can be a dutiful sahm, as he can obviously afford on his income. As a rich older man he'll have the pick from wannabe wealthy sahms.

It's a risk only you can weigh up.

Employment comes and goes. Having gone from a very senior position to being a sahm and supporting my dh through his studies, I can safely say that you have to go with what is right for you and your family. It might just be your dh right now but what is wrong with supporting him in his move, particularly as you don't actually sound that fussed about the work you do anyway? I was proud to help my dh and make significant moves based on his work and study. There is nothing wrong with it.

You also don't know how you will feel once you have a baby. I would have put myself down as the last person to be a sahm, and returned to work early, realised what a mistake that was and am now very happy pootling round with my 8 month old with no intention of working. Other women would not want this.

Agree with other posters that should there be a change at the company then they are there to do business and generate profit not keep people employed. I would say YANBU to want to leave everything in good order, but YABU to be concerned about their reaction. Loyalty, even at a partnership level does not really exist any more. Of course you want to leave on good terms, but worrying about what they might think is the last thing you should be concerned about. Family comes first imo.

You sound perfectly capable, experienced and well able to find something else, if not better, in London work wise. It sounds like a great opportunity for both you and dh to experience new horizons. Good luck.