Giving up my job so DH can pursue his dream job - AIBU to care what my employers think?

[HarryConnickSenior]

DH and I both live and work outside the UK. We met in this country, both having been sent here separately for work. Our careers have gone from strength to strength and I have had a very significant promotion to a role that is a key one in a small team.

DH's job has evolved as well and now, after 5 years abroad, his company say that his current role is best done from London. He loves the role and it has immensely good prospects. If he doesn't transfer to London they'll give the job to someone already there and he will be made redundant. However there would not be a position for me with my organisation in London.

My job pays extremely well (as does DH's) and can be very interesting. I often find it hugely stressful but not to the extent that I would have looked for a new job here if we had been staying in this country. However the view I take is that one of us will have to make a sacrifice and I am quite OK for it to be and not him. I am sure I can find something to do in the future and I have plenty of savings to give me the luxury of time to look. We are also ttc.

However I am dreading telling my employers. It's rare for women to be in the position I am in and we have been doing lots of business planning for the upcoming 24 months in which my role is fundamental, plus we have 4 juniors who look to me as a mentor. It's not the sort of position you just fill when someone leaves because it's a partnership and our business is about personal relationships with clients, though in time they will work out some sort of succession plan once the shock has subsided. However initially the other Partner in the team will have to take on all my work and there is a strong chance that he will lose a number of clients that we service jointly. He spent a long time building the practice and I feel bad that I might damage it. He's a very stress-prone person.

My employers are not used to their Partners having life partners with more or equally lucrative careers of their own. They have invested a lot of time and energy developing me and it's uncommon for Partners to leave unless they have real problems or get poached by a competitor; long term commitment to business development is implicit in the job description. I think that they will be very disappointed that I don't value my career/our business enough to tell my DH he should limit his own career options to ones which fit in with mine.

AIBU to care about what they think and how this will affect the business?

Sorry OP posted reasons while I was typing!

Well tbh it doesn't sound like you like this role anyway ? and what happens if you stay and go on mat leave ?

My employers thought very highly of me, I was poached from another company and had a very sought after position and was awarded exceeding expectations annually. Then I got pregnant, whilst on maternity changes were implemented and I was offered return to my old role full time or a very junior position. A month before I returned, they made my maternity covers position permanent and I was encouraged to reapply for the full time position, with one of us made redundent. It ended very badly and I feel very bitter as to how I was treated. If you are considering ttc, you may find attitudes alter as your pregnancy continues:-(

I could easily find a job in London with another firm or in-house with a company, it's just that there would be no scope for me to transfer within my own firm. Complicated reasons due to how the practice and client base are structured. However we've both saved a lot over the last 5 years and we are financially in a very good position.

Those who make the point about expats probably being likely to move back for family reasons eventually are right, though my parents are dead so they actually knew that wasn't a risk for me. However now we have DH's Mum and Dad to think about and I don't think anyone expected me to stay in this country till retirement. This has definitely come a bit sooner than they'd have expected though. Maternity woud have been different as only 12 weeks' leave here, so not so disruptive.

Apocalypse I am 100% financially independent. I own a UK property outright, have my own very substantial savings and am very employable.

My job is in no way, shape or form my "dream job". The one that DH is being offered is vey much his dream job.

With that latest post I think you should definitely move, and not worry too much about your employers. Obviously leave in as good terms as possible though!

but you won't be very employable forever, especially not with a baby and childcare issues and not able to work late nights and weekends. I'd try and establish something in the uk before you get pg and then take a maternity leave. Unless you are happy to give the whole thing up of course sand be a sahm and do voluntary work and be on the pta - that's another thing entirely and as long as you are financially independent from your husband, why not? lot of big life changes at once though, moving country, having a baby, no job, being with that baby 24x7 and spending your daysbat baby classes and coffee mornings. we've all been there and its great for awhile but after a year or two aren't you worried you'd miss the intellectual stimulation of law or whatever it is you do?

Only you can know that of course, not a bunch of strangers on the Internet.

You've made up your mind already. It's now just a matter of trying to implement the move with as little disruption as possible. Ideally you would follow on, a few months later but time isn't on your side if you are ttc and are 40.

Given that you do not have your dream job, are ttc at 40, and are financially independent with transferable skills, I say go for it!

You have to give them 6 months notice anyway and honestly, truly, nobody is indispensable. As you said, you could have been poached. It really isn't their business why you are leaving. So long as you act honourably and see out your notice period then I don't think you have done anything wrong.

Good luck!

Are your savings and your husband's savings separate? If so you should be living off his savings, not your own, when you move.

You say you're ttc; are you worried about not having maternity leave if you have a baby, or would you be happy being a SAHM then?

Thanks forago. I really don't think at my age we have the luxury of time to plan having a baby around my getting a new job first, we've been ttc 5 months already with no luck.

I'm really not worried about not being able to go back to work in some capacity, even if it is 5 years down the line with a child to take into consideration. My profession is pretty flexible and partnership is just one of myriad options - it seemed like a good idea at the time but I don't feel any great need to get back to that level in the future, particularly if we are lucky enough to have a baby.

So while I am very very grateful to all of you who have cautioned me against leaving the job, I am actually fine about the decision and how it will affect my future. What I am more immediately concerned with is how to manage the guilt I feel towards my colleagues and potentially difficult reactions from them.

ImperialBlether

"Are your savings and your husband's savings separate? If so you should be living off his savings, not your own, when you move.

Interesting question. Most of my savings will go into the deposit on our London home (the property I own is outside London so we'll keep it as a rental). DH will also put in a bit of capital and he'll pay the mortgage from his salary. Living costs for both of us from his salary too, my share of treats and holidays funded by my rental income. That's OK I think?

If you conceive your colleagues will presumably have to do without you at some point anyway? With a 6 month notice period it does seem to me that they have more than enough time to manage the handover; and surely they have some sort of contingency plan to cover sudden illnesses etc?

Surely your employers know you and DH are together, so it won't come as a huge shock that you will go with him. It is only business, they've shown that from their side by their (business motivated) actions towards your DH. They will always co what is their best interests, which is understandable, but you must also do what is in your best interests.

If something else had happened to you, an illness, family crisis, something that limited your ability to continue to fill your current role, what was their plan then ? If they have structured their company in such an inflexible way as to make you inexhaustible then they have a serious flaw in their business model.
Sadly it is more likely that although there will be a transition period you will not be missed anything like as much as you would like to think.
I have seen colleagues in much the same position, so clearly disappointed that only wrecks into an absence not only is everything ticking along, but surprised that those people they seemed so close to have so little to talk about or in common.
So move on towards your happiness.. You are not responsible for the happiness of others, and the job will just go on..

Indespensible ! Though you may be inexhaustable...bit of a x post too..oh well

If companies need to make cuts, they will make redundancies if they feel the need, and they won't care about loyalty or anything unless it matches with the finances. Never be too loyal to a business, because it's not reciprocal.

However, I can understand personal loyalties; that's not necessarily a problem. You can stay in touch through LinkedIn and still be able to offer some advice to your mentees, at least in the early days, as you both get used to the break. I don't mean be available 24/7, especially as moving countries will give you enough to do, but you can probably do the odd mail along the lines of, "Remember what we discussed about that before. Then ask Sarah about X and Pete about Y." So you don't have to feel like you're leaving them totally in the lurch. Do manage expectations, though - the odd email is a rather different burden from a weekly hour-long Skype session or something.

If you are employable in London, then there's no need to give up working, surely?

Your 6 months notice should be plenty of time to find something new.

I would not make decisions now based on being pregnant soon. It might happen, it might not, but right now you are a successful, employable childless woman and you should make decisions on that basis.

Don't build your new life around a baby that might never exist.

if the baby is the priority (which I can totally understand) then I think you are right to make that a priority. Having some time off and relaxing, getting new house ready etc will probably help with that as well. As others have said, you are prepared to do a 6 month handover, are happy to stay in touch, could even do some comsulting if required - I really don't think you have any reason to feel guilty at all. good luck!

drama DH and I don't work for the same employer.

dragonfly agree that is awful. Umizoomi very true. LilianBellamy thanks for sharing your story. What did Matt think ?

Interesting what some of you say about contingency plans - thing is, I am management and I know we don't have one!

That said, the firm has coped in the past with much more dramatic events - a senior equity partner jumping ship to a competitor with a whole book of clients, another partner dying in a motorbike crash, one being sacked for fraud...so a junior partner letting down the feminist cause to follow her husband shouldn't be completely catastrophic .

I might possibly be able to get an in-house job with one of our UK clients and feed work to the London part of the team.

The 6 months' notice is a bit of a bugger actually - DH's bosses do want him to move as soon as possible so I'm hoping to negotiate it down. However his bosses should be OK with a bit of delay if he has to stay for a while longer - it's quid pro quo, him accommodating my job temporarily seeing as I am accommodating his permanently.

Can you move to work with the London part of the team?

Bathtime I don't think I said anywhere I was planning to give up work permanently in anticipation of a baby. What I can't do is delay ttc so I can guarantee being in a new job before I would have to disclose a pregnancy.

Wouldn't be ideal job hunting in London from Asia during the notice period, not because I couldn't do skype interviews etc but not all potential employers will be open to that and so I'd have more options if I were actually in the UK. And I'd rather meet any potential new colleagues in person even if they are happy to employ me over the internet!

MarshaBrady no. There are already more than enough people in that team doing the role equivalent to mine (there are actually pressures to cut headcount) and none of them would be able to do a swap.

so best case scenario is you get pg while serving your notice, or shortly thereafter, move to the UK, have a year or so off with a baby, get house ready, making sure to keep in touch with colleagues and your industry, then look for a new job if and when you are ready for going back to work.

That doesn't sound unreasonable as long as you protect your finances. fwiw I think you're right to focus on the TTC now at 40, you may want to have more than one child.

You've built up your career, saved money, it shouldnt be possible to take a short break and go back into if it you want? (though I am not in Law so don't know the specifics), or move into something different with transferable skills. Just make sure you keep in touch with the contacts as it isn't always as easy as it is on paper I think and the problem when you go back is that you would have child care issues and might not be able to start the new job with late nights and lots of weekends, as you might normally do.

saying all that if you want a baby now is the time to make it happen of course and there will be jobs out there of some description until we are old ladies!

shouldn't be impossible

Ebearhug thanks. Good idea in principle; client confidentiality issues might limit how much they could say to me but would work for more generic issues.

darkness great advice, thanks.