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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish DP could drive??

89 replies

BroodySince22 · 31/01/2015 08:52

Hello!
I have been driving for about 4 years now, started learning to as soon as I was of age. While I love driving and the freedom that comes with,I just find it slightly irritating that DP can't drive and I have to whenever we go anywhere, I just wish he could drive and had a car so that he could equally share the load of droving sometimes. Its especially annoying when we go somewhere for a meal where he can drink anytime he wants and I can't have one because I'm driving. Just having a bit of a moan I think but he can afford to learn to drive but there's no real desire in him to do it as he gets people to give him lifts to and from work. Something I've rarely had which forced me to learn to take myself places, not relying on others! He never offers to pay parking fees or towards petrol either. AIBU to want him to learn to drive? (I find it more attractive when men can drive aswell)

OP posts:

ChippingInLatteLover · 31/01/2015 11:18

He does unless he's prepared to use public transport the majority of the time and pay his way the rest of the time.

GraysAnalogy · 31/01/2015 11:19

YANBU

But some of the comments on here are ridiculous. 'lazy' 'tight' 'immature' 'selfish' really

I can't drive. It gives me serious anxiety, I have had lessons though because DP wanted me to have them.

DP gives me lifts too. Luckily he knows I'm not lazy, tight, immature or selfish. I'm just someone who doesn't like driving. I will do so in the future, but when I'm working 13 hour shifts it isn't feasible.

Only1scoop · 31/01/2015 11:19

I find it odd when men or women don't want to learn to drive....unless medical reasons ....or central city living.

That's just my very own strange opinion....

Lweji · 31/01/2015 11:21

Why don't you take a cab if you want to drink? And make him pay for it too.

Do you live together?

Do you give him lifts?

FuckOffGroundhog · 31/01/2015 11:22

YANBU to be annoyed and he is being lazy, but you don't need to be the taxi driver either. Let him fork out every other time for a taxi (when it would be his turn to drive)

Lweji · 31/01/2015 11:22

Nobody should be forced to drive, and I understand that he could never have any pleasure in it, but then he should also be responsible in other ways for transportation.

I drive, but often use public transport and taxis to get around if it's cheaper or more practical. There is no reason for him to rely on other people driving him.

betweenmarchandmay · 31/01/2015 11:22

Oh my gosh - people who don't drive are narcissists, selfish, entitled and immature.

Mumsnet really, REALLY is another world at times.

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP - but it's one of those things, if finances will stretch to lessons?

FuckOffGroundhog · 31/01/2015 11:23

Oh and yes start getting petrol money and parking off of him. He mmight not even realise how expensive it is

ExitPursuedByABear · 31/01/2015 11:24

But he doesn't have medical or psychological problems re driving according to the op. He just can't be arsed as he doesn't need to as he gets driven everywhere.

Hence being lazy and tight.

Lweji · 31/01/2015 11:24

BTW, exH and I would drive each other to or from work on occasion because we worked in central London and it was impossible or too expensive to park anyway, or we only had one car between the two of us.

betweenmarchandmay · 31/01/2015 11:24

Ummm ... presumably they live together?

If a woman posted on here that her DP was demanding petrol and parking money from her there would be choruses of 'LTB'. And I'd be right behind them.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 11:25

Ptole what an awful thing to say and think. What if he can't drive because of disability, or is just not able to master it.

Then it would be a different thread wouldn't it? The OP isn't here saying that she's irritated because her DPs disability means that he can't drive. Nor is she here saying that she's irritated because her DP has tried to learn to drive but can't do it.

She's here saying that he could afford it but won't try, and that he's taking advantage of her and of other people for his lifts to and from work. She's also saying that he makes no effort to try and compensate by offering to pay his way when he does get lifts.

SunnyBaudelaire · 31/01/2015 11:26

not sure that partners of any gender have the right to freeload transport off the other half. Sometimes things just need discussing, as someone said, he might not even realise how expensive it all is.

formerbabe · 31/01/2015 11:27

In my single days, if I met a guy who couldn't drive then it was a deal breaker. It is highly irritating.

sanquhar · 31/01/2015 11:27

i cant drive. i am not a narc and im not lazy, entitled or selfish. i just cant get the hang of manual driving. ive been having lessons for nearly 2 years and i am giving up and going automatic, or will be when we can afford £25ph

toomanyostriches · 31/01/2015 11:27

I don't agree with all this stuff about people who don't drive automatically being labeled as "narcissistic", " immature" etc. There are many reasons why someone might choose not to drive. It's really no one else's business UNLESS they do what OP's partner is doing and make their decision not to drive everyone else's problem.

Lweji · 31/01/2015 11:28

If they live apart or live together but don't share bills, then petrol money and parking fees are relevant, and any woman who doesn't drive should offer to pay them as well in the same situation. The same goes for sharing any other costs of living or going out.

thenightsky · 31/01/2015 11:29

Aeroflotgirl DD has dyslexia and (mild) dyspraxia like you. She passed her test first time by going for an automatic gearbox. Of course she can now only ever drive autos, but there are loads around these days.

GraysAnalogy · 31/01/2015 11:31

They're a couple. In a partnership there's an awful load of give and take. I give my DP money for taking me to work, because it would cost me £124 a month on the train so I'm saving money. So him giving me a lift is saving our household money. In a partnership you help each other.

And I completely agree that if a man wrote this the answers would be different.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/01/2015 11:34

I don't think the answers would be different if the genders were reversed.

The not being able to drive is a bit of a red herring really.

It's the fact that he won't try and the fact that he takes advantage of not being able to drive that are the real problems here, it's not the inability to drive in itself, because there are ways to compensate for that.

JudgeyHotPants · 31/01/2015 11:36

I don't believe that driving is a skill that some just can't master. I'm generally useless at practical hands on skills type stuff and have always been clumsy, but I can drive. I suppose I just don't understand people who don't have the desire to learn. I remember turning 17 and the excitement that all of my friends and myself had about getting our provisional licences and getting driving lessons. It meant independence and not having to rely on our parents to drive us everywhere. I know a lot of teens leave it a bit longer now because insurance has become so expensive for them, but I'd imagine most young people still want to learn ASAP.

I can't imagine not owning and running a car, I think the only exception would be if I lived in London where public transport is generally better than the rest of the UK.

AlpacaLypse · 31/01/2015 11:37

Putting this round the other way... I took on a lovely new dogwalker a couple of years ago. She had every quality needed, except a driving licence, I told her that the moment she passed I'd be able to offer her full time hours rather than part time, which I duly did.

She was using her partner's car, and it wasn't until I asked her for mileage details at the end of the first week so I could pay her the fuel allowance that I discovered that she had no idea of the costs of running a car. She was amazed to discover that there was a little button you could press on the dash that would give you the distance covered in a journey. She was aware that you had to put fuel in it from time to time, but was terribly surprised at how much it cost. She knew she had to have insurance, but not about MOTs, and she didn't realise how expensive tax discs were.

I did find this rather exasperating but put it down to her having been brought up in a city with good public transport.

I'm not sure how I would have reacted if it had been a 30 year old male employee though rather than female.

FWIW I am disconcerted by any non-disabled adult of either sex who can't drive, but I have lived in rural areas for 80% of my life and being unable to drive is a real hindrance round here.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/01/2015 11:40

Thenightsky, I also have dyspraxia and get anxiety too, but yes when ds aged 3 goes to full time school, I will learn on an automatic, less brain clutter. I don't freeload off dh, I get busses or taxi if he's not able or does not want to drive me somewhere.

A person is not a lesser human being because they do not drive. They do not have to drive, nobody has the right to force somebody to do something they do not want to, or which makes them uncomfortable. In that vein, op has the right to refuse lifts for her partner, or to suggest they share a cab.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/01/2015 11:40

Yes I have made the effort to learn, I failed 4 driving tests, but will never say never.

comeagainforbigfudge · 31/01/2015 11:42

Mine doesn't drive either. But he has always lived in a city and could walk/get a bus (good service as was on a hospital route) to wherever he needed to get to.

We now live near a train station so still doesn't need to.

I would like him to for when baby arrives but not going to happen.

He rarely asks for a lift though. Only if trains not moving because of weather, (ours is a branch line so quite often they cancel our trains). But he normally just goes get the bus

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