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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be scared of death?

78 replies

Nowtherave · 26/01/2015 21:06

Normally I am such a positive person, but lately a member of my extended family has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I feel very very sad for them and their family of course, but selfishly, I also feel like a six year old again, lying in bed worrying that my parents might die. How do you deal with the idea of death? I have no religion so to me I think I struggle comprehending the idea of nothingness. I want to leave something behind, to not be forgotten, but should it matter if I am not there anyway to see myself being remembered?

OP posts:
Theas18 · 26/01/2015 21:15

Surely your legacy is the way you touch the lives of those left behind? It's very well put in a beautiful kids book badgers parting gifts by Susan varley.

Badger feels old and tired and worn out, his body has had enough , he dies. His friends are sad. Then they remember the songs he taught them,that thry learned to dance with him etc

You might leave a genetic legacy in your kids. But everyone leaves some impression on other peoples lives - make it the coffee you gave to the homeless guy not the dirt you kicked in his face.

Theas18 · 26/01/2015 21:17

And your job now is to do what you can to help your relative and their family live life and plan for a good death. There is an awful lot of living in terminal care !

hamptoncourt · 26/01/2015 21:23

Interesting. Someone very close to me has terminal cancer. I am sad and angry, yes, but she has accepted it.

It has made me fear death less in a way. It is totally inevitable - it will definitely happen to you OP, and to all of us. My relatives diagnosis has made me live more in the now and be more grateful for each day I have. Overall I would say I live my life more positively and happily now, although obviously I would rather she lived for ever Smile

Original poster
Nowtherave · 26/01/2015 21:46

Badger and theas thank you. You are so right about supporting and that is definitely what I will be trying to do. I will look for that book as this person has young grandchildren (another reason why it's on my mind - how can you explain this to them? Although I know children find things easier to deal with than adults if they are informed appropriately) And Theas your words are comforting, I hope your friend/relative's situation is as positive as it can be.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nowtherave · 26/01/2015 21:47

Sorry I mean Hampton and theas! You can see how preoccupied I am with this!

OP posts:
ILovePud · 26/01/2015 21:55

Death and the unknown are frightening concepts, I think most of the time we (me anyway) file those thoughts away in the 'too difficult to think about/don't have to think about for a long time' folder at the back of our minds. I think these kinds of experiences when someone we know dies or is facing death brings it to the front of our conscious. When I have these moments of existential angst I try to focus on what I want to do with my life rather than my death.

Gruntfuttock · 26/01/2015 21:59

I'm not scared about my own death but I am absolutely terrified of my husband dying. He's 8 years older than me, so chances are he'll go before me, although of course no one knows how long they've got. I really don't think I'll cope when he dies. I've had severe depression all my life and have no friends. The only other relatives I have are my mother who's 94 and my daughter who's 23.

Original poster
Nowtherave · 26/01/2015 22:01

Thanks Pud, I am glad other people feel this way too. I like your advice a lot. I'm going to try that. If it were me terminally ill I wouldn't want people around me to be paralysed by it, I would want them to focus on life too.

OP posts:
itsatiggerday · 26/01/2015 22:05

So sorry about your relative. They are hard things and as a culture we tend to avoid them. I know you said you don't have a religion but the book of Ecclesiastes in the bible might be quite surprising. Chapter 3, verse 11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men" which expresses something I wouldn't have the words for.

Willferrellisactuallykindahot · 26/01/2015 22:13

YANBU - I am utterly terrified by death, and the 'nothingness' of it. Sometimes I sit up in my bed and have a mini panic attack at the thought that one day, me and all the people I know and love won't be here any more, and my DH has to 'bring me back down'!

The only people close to me who have died are my grandparents and they all had a fairly good innings, I wasn't particularly freaked out by their passing, I don't know, the fear of death sometimes just grips me.

The things that help me are thinking about the fact that the world turned for a hell of a long time before I came along and that sort of makes me feel better that it will continue to do so when I'm gone. And I also try to think that hopefully I have a long time left here and think about all the things I still want to do, and the future I have ahead of me still unwritten. And that I still have plenty of time to get used to the idea of dying!

I don't know how I will cope if I or someone close to me becomes terminally ill, it will very likely happen at some point Sad

Sorry that was a long and largely unhelpful post!

magimedi · 26/01/2015 22:18

Until fairly recently I was also terrified by the thought of death.

Now I accept it is going to happen to me - I don't know where this change has come from.

I will be 60 this year.

Now it's not when but how. I'd rather go sooner with a massive heart attack than linger & have dementia.

Grunt - my DH is 10 years older than me & I hope he goes first.

I would be so much better at coping alone than he would.

GothMummy · 26/01/2015 22:23

I used to have night terrors about this till I managed to convince myself of an afterlife.
So sorry about your relative.

littlejohnnydory · 27/01/2015 12:53

I'm terrified of it to the point of panic attacks - just the idea of ceasing to exist. I don't know any helpful ways of dealing with it but you're not alone.

ClaudetteWyms · 27/01/2015 13:03

YANBU, it is indeed terrifying if you think about it too much. I have had breast cancer and suddenly it hit me I could die any time. Luckily I am still here.

I took DD to see The Book of Life last year, I highly recommend it - it is the most positive film about death ever (honestly). DD (7) and I had a lovely chat about death afterwards Confused

It calmed a lot of my fears and I think gives you a good way of thinking about death and how people live on if they are remembered. But at the end of the day death happens to all of us, and you have to live your life best you can while not thinking about it too much...

scottishegg · 27/01/2015 16:17

I read a post once that an elderly man wrote which was '' what's to be scared of regarding death... You will either go to heaven or go to sleep and what's wrong with that !"

Stormingateacup · 27/01/2015 16:50

I'm not so much scared of death but scared of leaving my children without their mummy. I just sort of pray that I live until they're adults.

Cantbelievethisishappening · 27/01/2015 16:55

It terrifies me everyday. It has terrified me since I lost my dad in quite horrible circumstances. My child then had cancer. My mum had cancer. I can't get a handle on it. At all. I don't know what to do really. YANBU.

Gruntfuttock · 27/01/2015 16:58

As I said above, I'm much more scared by the thought of my husband or daughter dying than I am by my own death. I'm an atheist and I think that if I believed in an afterlife I'd be scared about my own death too. Not because I've been a bad person but I'd think "What can it be like? To still have sone sort of consciousness?" That is a scary thought, but to me my death = oblivion so there's nothing to be frightened of, because "I" as a conscious being, will no longer exist.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 27/01/2015 16:58

I feel the same as you OP, I just try not to think about it too much, I also worry about my parents dying. I know we all have to go but it doesn't make it easier to think about. I've also talked myself into their being some afterlife.

GooodMythicalMorning · 27/01/2015 17:06

Im not scared of my death, im scared of my family dying. extreme pain scares me more.

Orangeanddemons · 27/01/2015 17:11

Can I ask how old you are? I was scared of dying until my dm passed away when I was 42. I'm 51now, and the fear of death has gone. I see it all as part of the big circle of life. Everyone has to go, and wandering round graveyards gives me a sense of peace, and of the bigger things in life.

I think it will fade as you get older. I was terrified of dying for 40 odd years, really terrified. Now I've made my peace with death. I think you will too.

I'm not at all religious btw

Leontine · 27/01/2015 17:14

From personal experience I have found that in cases such as this, that death is actually a relief. I actually don't have any experience of anyone I'm close to dying of a terminal illness but just over a year ago a close relative was involved in an accident which left them in a state that was considered terminal. We were told a number of times that death was imminent but they ended up surviving for 3 weeks before finally succumbing to their injuries. I found that those 3 weeks were by far worse than the actual death itself.
A few months later, another close relative was diagnosed with a gastric cancer. We don't know how long he has left as he has chosen not to know what 'stage' his cancer is at, but these types of cancers don't tend to have a very good prognosis so I suspect he'll never be cured. However, after what happened with my other relative I do not fear his death at all, although I do fear seeing him suffering (which thankfully he doesn't seem to be at the moment).

So in conclusion, I'd say enjoy the time you have left with your relative and don't fear their death as it may come as a relief in the sense that their suffering is over.

Gruntfuttock · 27/01/2015 17:55

As soon as I hit 60 (I'm 61 next month) I started to worry about what was ahead for my husband and I in terms of illness and especially dementia. I never gave it much thought till then, but just getting to 60 seems to have changed my outlook and I'm quite scared of the future. My mother is 94 and has all her marbles and still lives alone in her own flat. I hope I will be as fortunate and remain 'with it'

CaffeLatteIceCream · 27/01/2015 18:46

It is entirely normal to be scared of death. If we weren't none of us would survive for very long!

I am not scared of "death" - as in, being dead. I spent 13billion years being dead and it was fine. I didn't know I was dead, and when I go back to being dead, I won't know then either.

I worry more about the process of dying...will it hurt? And the effect of my death on other people. I actually feel much less scared of the latter now that I've ensured my DS would get a healthy insurance payout if I kick the bucket suddenly.

But how can you stop being scared of death? I don't think you can, really. Understanding our own mortality is the price we pay for our intelligence.

Ludoole · 27/01/2015 18:47

Dp is terminally ill and absolutely petrified. Im scared of his impending death but not about my own death.

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