To be scared of death?

[Nowtherave]

Normally I am such a positive person, but lately a member of my extended family has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I feel very very sad for them and their family of course, but selfishly, I also feel like a six year old again, lying in bed worrying that my parents might die. How do you deal with the idea of death? I have no religion so to me I think I struggle comprehending the idea of nothingness. I want to leave something behind, to not be forgotten, but should it matter if I am not there anyway to see myself being remembered?

Me too on the panic attacks, and as a PP said, its the price you pay for being sentient. Sadly my youngest DD, 11, also suffers from existential angst, not sure why - she too wakes in the night and thinks about everyone dying. My mum died when I was 13 and that is why I am like this (I reckon) but not sure how DD got like it, picked it up from me? Maybe, but she has certainly thought it through.

My best friend (DDs' godmother) died last year, before I could get to see her. We'd spent literally years talking about premature death without really thinking it would happen to either of us. She was 56. I so wanted to see her, because I loved her but also because I thought she might show me how she'd come to terms with it, assuming she had. She was only ill for about 6 weeks, died within a month of diagnosis, but she was apparently serene and amazing to the last.

The constant "awareness" is awful. Loved the Larkin piece though, my BF would have too.

I am not afraid of death, but of being aware that I am going to die. I only hope that whatever kills me is instant. I really don't think we can hope what kills me is instant.

I'm not really afraid of death, but when it comes, I'd like quick and painless thanks. I would mainly worry about my husband. If you live in the fear of death, you don't fully live.

I'm not sure that I would say that I'm afraid of dying, but I can't quite come to terms with the idea of just not existing any more. And I desperately want to live long enough to see my children grow up and 'be ok'. I hope that I won't die before I've had enough of living iyswim. You sometimes hear older people saying that they're ready to go and I want to be like this, not desperate to live longer or feel as though I have unfinished business.

Another death-phobe here - in fact I was also going to post a quote from Aubade, Catface, as it perfectly sums up how I feel. These days I cope by just trying not to think about it - it's the only way.

Thank you for Aubade - much appreciated. I love it when MNers take the trouble to post poems.

I wonder if those who are afraid of death have not had much experience of it? So it makes more of an impact when someone close dies. I grew up going to funerals, not always close relatives, but those in the community and therefore came to accept it as a natural conclusion. It still hurts when a loved one dies but it will happen to us all. I do have a faith (raised Catholic, but not sure what it is now) and think that the more that death is talked about the less scary it becomes.

Think of it this way: matter can't be created or destroyed, so the essence/spirit/soul of your loved one will always be with you and within you . I see death as a spirit's transition stage between this life and the next.

I don't know if this helps you see things from a different perspective, but it may be an idea to help your relative to live life as much as possible. They have everything to live for and death won't be the end of the person..............just their physical body.

There is a fantastic pianist called Roy Todd. His piano music is so sad/emotional/soothing/relaxing/hopeful/inspiring. You can listen to his music on YouTube.

Believe me, he's an incredible musician and well worth listening to

I struggle with this every day. I think it's the price you pay for having a certain degree of intelligence and self-awareness! I read the following verses from the Rubyiat at my Mum's funeral last year -she did love a drink! They sum up the approach I try very hard not always very successfully to adopt - we are here for such a short time and are in all honesty quite insignificant in the scheme of things. But a life enjoyed and well-lived is the only sane response to our own ephemerality.

You know how little time we have to stay,
And once departed, may return no more.
Ah, my Beloved, fill the Cup that clears
Today of past Regrets and future fears.

Ah, make the most of what we yet may spend,
Before we too into the Dust descend;
Dust unto Dust, and under Dust, to lie,
Sans Wine, Sans Song, sans Singer and sans End!

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: not all your Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

When You and I behind the Veil are past,
Oh but a long long while the World shall last
But the world of our Coming and Departure heeds
As much as the Ocean of a pebble-cast.

Ah, with the Grape my fading Life provide,
And wash my Body whence the Life has died,
And in a Winding-sheet of Vine-leaf wrapt,
So bury me by some sweet Garden-side.

YANBU. Wish I could help you. This fear plus cancer takes over my life. Writing this with 'Anxiety Throat' feels like something is stuck in it....irrational fears beginning.
You could talk to your GP, could have CBT, or even consider an anti- anxiety drug eg Citolopram.
Try & divert your thoughts to try & think of something more pleasant.. Good Luck.

I've just joined Dignitas and am putting in place a comprehensive living will to cover my dnr wishes. I made up my mind some time ago that as soon as my physical or mental health starts to fail I will use my invested capital for a wonderful trip and to throw a wild party, then I will end my life. I have no intention of hanging around to be 'cared for'. Death is a state of non-being, so I do not fear it. What I do dread is the process of physical or mental disintegration in old age, poor quality of life and no longer being totally independent. I cared for my Mother for many years, and have sat with too many loved ones in hospital beds and care home chairs as their lives deteriorated. I honestly do not care about being remembered or leaving a legacy, trying to lead a decent life while I'm here is enough for me. I'm 67, single and have no children, so maybe that makes some decisions easier. Dealing with the end of life is something we have to come to terms with, but we all have to find our own way to do so.

Thank you, all of you, for your insights, poems and even music. The biggest comfort I have found is reading your messages and knowing I'm not alone in this mindset. I think it's rather a taboo subject - IRL I have discussed this relative but only along the "oh it puts things into perspective" kind of way. I think if I tried to discuss it any further people would think I was bonkers! Mumsnet,thank you.

I feel the same discussing it in RL so thank you for this thread.

I think our culture makes it harder to deal with death. We don't talk about it and over value youth/beauty.

I was a nurse, so saw and talked about death frequently. It does not scare me at all. I try to live in the present and touch the lives around me in a positive way. I came from a dysfunctional family so if I manage to raise my three children in a way which means they love and raise their own children well and so on, that's enough for me.

I am sorry you are in pain but, light-heartedly, I say to you this: YABU. Get a grip. It's the human condition!

I've seen both my mum and dad dead and it changes you forever

I don't fear being dead at all, I fear a lingering death, or pain and anguish

The thing I stuggle with is that someone just disappears.
I was with my nan when she passed away and it was peaceful at the end but I just couldn't and still can't get my head round where she's gone.

My biggest fear is leaving my child without her mamma. Like everyone else here I try not to think of it too much.

I am mid thirties, not religious, not woo, and also not scared of death.

I lost a lot of blood following childbirth, and I thought I was going to die then (while other story). There was no fear at the time, none. I just accepted it. And I believe that's the same for everyone when the time comes.

I too am scared of death not only my own but that of my loved ones. My dh is also 8 years older than me , he is 79 this year and not in wonderful health. I had cancer in 2006 and ever since my own mortality has haunted me. May I share an amusing conversation I had with my then 4 year old grandson:
E: Grandma, where were you before you died?
Me: I haven't been dead yet love.
E: Everyone has to be dead before they are alive and after. Wll you miss me when I am dead?
Me:I hope I'll be dead long before you sweetheart.
E: When you are dead will you wait for me on a cloud so we can have a cup of tea together?
Me: Of course I will.
E: And can I have two biscuitsthen?
Me:Of course you can. What sort of biscuits would you like?
E: Don't be silly Grandma, how do we know what biscuits God will have in?

I find this conversation in all its surreal innocence, strangely comforting :)

I am scared of other people dying.
Not just emotional but practical/health implications of sudden death.

I think it's because my mil died suddenly abroad which was awful and then I lost several pregnancies. The bad few years have scarred me in some way.

Greylady love that boy's forward planning!!

I've seen threads like this before and found them enormously helpful as when I first started to feel like this about 10 years ago I thought I was clearly going mad. Now I realise that others do feel like this though obviously its not a subject that can come up at most coffee mornings or in the office, so its good to have a forum here. We can't solve it, we are all going to die, but its not unusual or even shameful to be scared about it.

I am afraid of leaving my children when they are very young. But otherwise, not afraid at all. My daughter died, age 9, two years ago. My parents are in their 70s and I really hope they die before me because this is the natural order and there is no pain like losing a child.

I faced my own death too. I choked on a piece of beef, proper choking, couldn't breath. I thought that it was my time. I just felt ' oh well, this is it' a sort of resigned inevitable feeling. Not fear at at all