To be finding my friend very difficult?

[exmoormare]

This is not meant critically but I am finding my friend very difficult since adopting her DS, who is two.

She constantly rebuffs invitations or suggestions for things we can do citing the adoption as a reason. I understand this, but if you allude to the adoption yourself you are liable to get your head bitten off and I feel as if I am treading on eggshells in terms of language used.

I also find the put downs difficult: my dd1, who is three in march, was having a tantrum and she said 'thank Christ I couldn't have biological children' which I thought was a really unpleasant comment. She also says 'we couldn't have produced such a beautiful child with our genes' which is a strange thing to say.

I can understand feeling defensive and finding it hard but honestly the way she speaks about my and our birth children at times isn't on.

I want to disassociate from her but aibu? It feels rather 'mean girls' even though we are all well into our thirties ...

Wondering how did your friend react badly? What sort of text did you decide upon in the end?

Violetta, it is on page2 of the thread.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with your friend. It does sound as though she may be struggling with some aspects of parenting, particularly as an adoptive parent but that is not an excuse to be rude to you.

I think you may have to give her some distance here - there was a good suggestion upthread about a potential response. However, be aware that if you ask what you've done to upset her, she may come back with a list of 'slights' whether real or imagined

There is only so much olive branch proffering you can do without injuring yourself in the process.

Ah, thank you Mrs

Yesterday I felt cross: today I am just very sad. If I have caused her some distress it is a shame she felt she couldn't explain this to me and instead saw fit to insult me and my children.

Her text simply stated that I did not understand but did not divulge any further details.

Can you ask her what is it that you don't understand? I'm wondering if there's a bigger issue that she hasn't verbalised.

Violetta, at the moment, I'm unwilling to instigate contact as it inevitably leads to unpleasant comments about me or my DDs :)

Space sounds like the perfect thing. It must be quite upsetting after having been close for so long.

From experience

• with adoption you get very little warning that your life is about to change so transition is sudden and adapting can be hard (you don't get 9 months warning - we had 3 weeks!)
• the placements are exhausting, physically and emotionally and bringing them home is traumatic as not only do you have this new little bundle (who might spend the whole night crying for the foster carer) but you are very aware that you have pulled apart the foster family
• the child can often find it hard to know who to attach to so its important to make sure that you as the primary care giver are the central focus (which may be why she is avoiding social situations)
• you can feel like a total fraud, while other people are talking about breastfeeding and labour you sit in silence (and I have been known to make jokes about doing it the easy way, without piles and stretch marks - never crossed my mind that anyone would find this offensive but reading this perhaps they did )
• while you adapt it can feel like you are babysitting someone else's child (particularly as SS still assess you until the adoption order is passed) and the characteristics they bring with them (and challenges that they may have faced)
• in spite of all of this your new child is the apple of your eye and totally PFB (even if they are an older child)

Of course your friend might just be a cow, but the genes comment is more self deprecating than an insult to you and perhaps you could just ask what she meant by the other one?

If I were you I'd be tempted to ask what it is that you don't understand and ask her to help you understand and say that you understand that she might not want to go to social events at the moment but you don't want to neglect her so the offer is always open.

Wow - how many understands in one sentence! Sorry

Oh and she is kidding herself about the tantrums but then my DSD used to pass comments on our adopted kid's tantrums - she sure is changing her tune now that she has a child of her own

Huh?

I thought you said she responded to your kind and understanding text "abusively", but now you say she just said you don't understand???

I haven't gone into detail obviously welded because of privacy.

Mrs thank you; that's very informative.