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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be finding my friend very difficult?

86 replies

exmoormare · 26/01/2015 18:30

This is not meant critically but I am finding my friend very difficult since adopting her DS, who is two.

She constantly rebuffs invitations or suggestions for things we can do citing the adoption as a reason. I understand this, but if you allude to the adoption yourself you are liable to get your head bitten off and I feel as if I am treading on eggshells in terms of language used.

I also find the put downs difficult: my dd1, who is three in march, was having a tantrum and she said 'thank Christ I couldn't have biological children' which I thought was a really unpleasant comment. She also says 'we couldn't have produced such a beautiful child with our genes' which is a strange thing to say.

I can understand feeling defensive and finding it hard but honestly the way she speaks about my and our birth children at times isn't on.

I want to disassociate from her but aibu? It feels rather 'mean girls' even though we are all well into our thirties ...

OP posts:

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 19:07

Leave the contact up to her now op. Whatever is going on with her doesn't concern you, let her get on with it.
Don't upset yourself over it.
If the friendship means anything to her then she will be back.
She has obviously entered a different stage in life.
People sometimes just go separate ways.
Don't take it to heart. We all have different chapters.

PtolemysNeedle · 26/01/2015 19:11

It sounds like she's struggling, but that's not an excuse for her to be difficult with you for months on end.

Her comment about biological children was just plain nasty. Maybe it could be excused if you knew where it came from, but if she's being difficult every time you see her then maybe she is just someone you shouldn't be around right now.

Friends are not supposed to make you feel the way you felt today. Friends can make you feel a bit drained sometimes when they are going through something difficult and you're supporting them, but it shouldn't be like this. I'd stop contacting her for the time being and be unavailable if she tries to arrange anything with you.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 19:14

I didn't ask you to be rude op.
I just didn't think you needed to dignify it with an answer.
Clearly you felt the need to.
I will leave you to the majority then lol.

kawliga · 26/01/2015 19:15

OP your 'friend' sounds nasty. She insulted you and insulted your dc and you are thinking that you have to be friends with her because otherwise you are being 'mean girls'? I don't get it. You don't have to be friends with people who are nasty to you. The adoption has nothing to do with this at all, other than to make you feel guilty. Are you feeling like she must be a nice person because she adopted a child, therefore you must put up with anything from her?

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 19:18

Thank god for kawliga! Thought it was just me lol.

Original poster

exmoormare · 26/01/2015 19:21

No, she used to be nice, which is why I think she must be overwhelmed with everything just now, but I will keep my distance, I think :)

I've known her some ten years, before children or adoption was in the picture.

OP posts:

Vintagebeads · 26/01/2015 19:50

Adoption doesn't give you a license to being rude and unkind.

Leave her to it, you might just need some space from her or things might sort themselves out.
But you are not in the wrong here.

kawliga · 26/01/2015 19:51

Misspickle I'm with you on this, especially about the different stage of life. She used to be nice at a different stage of life, she's not nice any more. You don't have to be friends with her forever and put up with snide remarks just because she used to be nice.

All mothers are overwhelmed! We somehow manage not to go round insulting our friends and their dc, or if we do we immediately apologize.

hamptoncourt · 26/01/2015 20:03

She sounds like really hard work. I would give her a wide berth and hope she comes good again.

roslet · 26/01/2015 20:30

Haven't you had other friends who have been a bit difficult/ strange after becoming parents? I have, and I'm really glad I didn't let those friendships slide. Those were friends who became parents through birth.
Since my sister adopted her children, I've been astonished by the ridiculous comments and assumptions so many otherwise lovely and wise people have made to me. You may not have made any thoughtless comments, but your friend may still be on the defensive after hearing them from so many others.
Please don't throw away a friendship on the basis of being offended by her remark, or her cancellations. Could you maybe read more about adoption (e.g. the mumsnet thread) so that you gain more insight?

Original poster

exmoormare · 26/01/2015 20:35

Ros, that's absolutely occurred to me - that she feels defensive, that is - and hence I've given her leeway (today was a straw and a camels back but she has been like this since last April.)

It is really the implication that her adopted DS is naturally superior to my birth children that is hard to hear. Everything else, I think, I could brush off - perhaps not easily but I think I could.

I am an avid reader of Mumsnet adoption board :)

OP posts:

RaggyAnnie · 26/01/2015 20:44

I remember when I became a parent to a newborn and feeling I wanted to get out of the house to see friends and family to catch up and show off PFB and also so I didn't go stir crazy in the house. What your friend has taken on is a big deal and not being able to share that must be tough. Maybe she doesn't like the invites because it makes her sad that she has to turn them down? Please let her know that her comments have been hurtful but don't give up on her just yet.

DesperatelySeekingSanity · 26/01/2015 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HadleyHemingway · 26/01/2015 20:46

I had a friend who'd adopted her DC.

All friendly enough until I had my baby and then she started making digs at me and my family. Until one occasion where she took massive offence at some imaginary perceived slight and went crazy - telling lies about DP and me in the school playground and sending long rambling texts about birth and breastfeeding.

Sure, I get that she was in a stressful and emotional situation but really, there was no need for the insane drama.

We're NC now. Some people are just idiots.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 26/01/2015 20:49

She sounds seriously stressed and not coping well. I'd tell her that you understand that she needs some space now, and to just let you know when she's ready for a meet up.

Original poster

exmoormare · 26/01/2015 20:55

Thank you. I have sent a text message essentially saying the above.

OP posts:

roslet · 26/01/2015 21:02

Straw-and-camels-back comment does sound annoying but don't take it personally. Hopefully your friend will be more lovable again soon, I'm sure she must have really appreciated your support so far even if she hasn't shown it.

PelicanBriefs · 26/01/2015 21:07

OP I can see you have just been trying to be kind and supportive, and to stay involved with your friend. And I agree that the rudeness was uncalled for, but as a new adoptive parent it can truly feel like drowning. We are (rightly) advised not to see many people for the first months. When my adopted LO came home, after seven months we still hadn't been ready to even meet all of my extended family. The child we are trying to parent is a grieving, traumatised total stranger. The training and preparation we all did goes out of the window, and it's a terrifying and isolated place to be. It can be hard to confess that when we feel we ought to be so happy, and it can be really hard to find a way through. In some cases, post-adoption depression can also hit.

But in time, we come out the other side. We remember to be kind to people around us, and the new child eventually (hopefully) starts to let us comfort them through their pain, and maybe even sleeps occasionally.

I can understand why you might want to keep your distance for a while, because you and your daughter can't keep being treated like that. But if she was a good friend, and you would feel able to re-build the friendship if she came to you later, you could drop her a line saying "It feels like things might be hard for you right now. I just wanted you to know I am so happy for you and your new child. I am going to give you breathing space and so I won't be in touch for a while. But if you need me, and you want to meet later on, that would be lovely."

Original poster

exmoormare · 26/01/2015 21:13

Pelican, thank you. What an insightful post. I hope things are easier for you now.

Unfortunately I have been replied to rather abusively, which does seem to suggest that I have caused offence without realising or without being made aware of it.

OP posts:

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 21:19

People change when they enter a new phase of life. The straw and camel comment that peed you off could be your new friend. Or not, depending on whether you choose to have her in your life. But she may well be no longer the person you once knew.
That's the way of the world. It happens. All the time!

Original poster

exmoormare · 26/01/2015 21:25

Miss, thank you but you have made your point several times now and to be honest, it isn't enormously helpful.

Of course, I recognise that people enter new phases in their life, but your posts read as if being insulted and treated rudely by ex-friend is funny - it is not funny.

OP posts:

kawliga · 26/01/2015 21:49

Unfortunately I have been replied to rather abusively, which does seem to suggest that I have caused offence without realising or without being made aware of it.

You have not caused offence. You have been a lovely friend. You have been patient with her and tried to cut her some slack and understand where she is coming from.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 21:56

Ehhhh? I don't understand that op.
What on earth have I said to make you think I find the way you have been treated to be funny?
Upset and offended.
I certainly won't be defending you again.
I wish you well though. Hope it all works out

PelicanBriefs · 26/01/2015 22:00

I agree, you haven't "caused offence" - you've consistently tried to be a good friend, but your friend just isn't able to connect to that right now. I hope for everyone's sake that in time, things improve, and relationships can be healed, but I know it's not always possible.

And thank you for your kind thoughts - we survived, my LO is thriving, and I am learning every day how to take joy in this parenting lark.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 22:04

I'm getting your "friends" point of view now!
No wonder she is giving you a wide berth.
And yes your right you have most definitely caused offense.
Never mind.

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