Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be finding my friend very difficult?

86 replies

exmoormare · 26/01/2015 18:30

This is not meant critically but I am finding my friend very difficult since adopting her DS, who is two.

She constantly rebuffs invitations or suggestions for things we can do citing the adoption as a reason. I understand this, but if you allude to the adoption yourself you are liable to get your head bitten off and I feel as if I am treading on eggshells in terms of language used.

I also find the put downs difficult: my dd1, who is three in march, was having a tantrum and she said 'thank Christ I couldn't have biological children' which I thought was a really unpleasant comment. She also says 'we couldn't have produced such a beautiful child with our genes' which is a strange thing to say.

I can understand feeling defensive and finding it hard but honestly the way she speaks about my and our birth children at times isn't on.

I want to disassociate from her but aibu? It feels rather 'mean girls' even though we are all well into our thirties ...

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 26/01/2015 22:36

Was that even necessary?

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 23:09

About as necessary as your username.

Original poster
exmoormare · 27/01/2015 07:43

Don't worry; miss pickle has just been trying to cause an argument on here from the start. Don't rise to it :)

OP posts:
Theselittlelightsofmine · 27/01/2015 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 27/01/2015 08:03

I thought what she meant by the tantrumming comment was that when hers does it she feels able to cope because she understands that the child has had a difficult start in life and she interprets the tantrum as a reaction to that.

However in the back of her mind she knows that all children have tantrums full stop. And she feels that she would find it hard to cope with a child who is having a tantrum because the wrong person took the lid off their yogurt.

PlumpingUpPartridge · 27/01/2015 08:05

I'm sorry that she has responded poorly op. I think I'd reply with something like "I apologise if I've upset you - it really was not my intention. I don't know how to resolve this. I want to be your friend and support you but I need you to tell me how best to do that, please. The answer isn't obvious, to me anyway. Please get in touch if you want to talk - I will keep my distance until then.

Sign off as appropriate!

SoleSource · 27/01/2015 08:15

The adoption process in my view must be a series of interrogations from Social Workers and other professionals. Your friend may have been through sheer psychological torture and is taking it out on you/others now she feels a bit more in control.

Original poster
exmoormare · 27/01/2015 08:22

Balloon - unfortunately she definitely meant it in the context of 'thank goodness your child is nothing like mine.' I have comments of that nature a LOT - I used that as an example.

Partridge, thanks, but I think I will leave her to it now.

Sole, possibly but she adopted him last April and really ten months of abuse is as much as I want to take!

OP posts:
BrendaBlackhead · 27/01/2015 08:29

Good idea from PlumpingUpPartridge.

I should think the friend is struggling and being angrily defensive. Perhaps her ds is being difficult. All 2-year-olds have their moments but people I've known who've adopted seem to have to keep up a serene laid-back attitude at all costs. It must be terribly hard.

The comment about the biological children I'd let wash over me. Apart from film stars preserving their figures most people would rather have biological children. She should of course try to keep a lid on it and not make belligerent comments but it sounds as if she is not in an accepting place yet.

Violettatrump · 27/01/2015 08:30

She's either very insecure or going through the PFB phase. I think I would reflect things back on her with 'all parents have things they struggle with (parents who adopt and blood parents)' 'all children struggle with things but they are often different things (regardless of if the are adopted or not)'

Violettatrump · 27/01/2015 08:34

Or you could talk about parents you admire who are very non judgemental every time she bangs on

Violettatrump · 27/01/2015 08:35

Or just be honest with her. Tell her that you've been lectured for 10 months and you really can't take any more

Original poster
exmoormare · 27/01/2015 12:23

I know Brenda but I just felt so cross and fed up and upset with it all yesterday - it just seemed too much trouble.

Apparently I don't understand!

OP posts:
WeldedParentMaterials · 27/01/2015 13:04

Apparently I don't understand!

You clearly don't understand, OP

You have made quite a few comments that very clearly show you are very ignorant/niave about adoption.

Violettatrump · 27/01/2015 13:17

What about having a heart to heart and saying that you support her 100% and can see she's doing a great job with her new child but that you feel constantly criticised (your DD too) and it's making you feel unhappy. Ask her if there is something she's unhappy

SoleSource · 27/01/2015 13:24

Does your friend have any children she has given birth to?

If not I feel she feels she is a failure and might be psychologically exhausted and is imagining others feel she is a failure for not being able to give birth herself?

She is getting her digs in first?

Maybe before she discovered she was unable to conceive naturally she held these thoughts of others in the same situation or she wrongly feels inferior?

I feel for her.

Original poster
exmoormare · 27/01/2015 14:24

Would you care to explain what those comments are welded?

Thank you. I obviously don't want disharmony or bad feeling between us. I don't really want to go down the "heart to heart" route because friend becomes quite aggressive and defensive quickly.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpositive · 27/01/2015 15:49

She also says 'we couldn't have produced such a beautiful child with our genes'

It isn't clear to me whether this comment refers to your friend and her partner's ability to produce a "beautiful" child, or your ability. Confused

If the latter, she's a cow. If the former, well, she's just looking for the silver lining. It's likely the sort of thing she'll say to the child one day.

Original poster
exmoormare · 27/01/2015 16:07

The latter I suspect pumpkin so will concede to BU on that one :) It's in the context of a number of comments about 'so glad we adopted' and a put down about birth children Confused

OP posts:
SoleSource · 27/01/2015 16:11

Your friend is probably responding to your catty comments.

Violettatrump · 27/01/2015 16:14

I think you are letting your friends big personality or your timid personality get in the way of resolving things. Every suggestion made, you reject. So OP what are you going to do about it? Nothing? You are clearly unhappy with things as they are and need to find some courage to either deeply discuss the issue or give her space or pull her up on comments as she says them. The later might be the easiest?

RunnerHasbeen · 27/01/2015 16:23

I wouldn't necessarily think she is comparing your child to hers with the biological vs adopted comments. She is comparing her child with the theoretical, biological child she didn't manage to have and trying to get reassurance that everything has worked out for the best. It can't be about birth children in general, that makes no sense, all children are born in some way - it isn't like her child was created in a laboratory. I would take the first comment to mean that she herself has a terrible temper and the second as a sweet thing to say about the child she now has.

I do think you are over-thinking things a little. I think she might be surprised you are interpreting it that way as she is probably in a slightly self obsessed baby bubble still and struggling with life being a little different that she imagined (whereas your life is probably more like she assumed hers would be). Try answering in a way that makes all children sound the same, despite the origins. I think she is looking for reassurance, not trying to lash out.

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 27/01/2015 16:42

Gotta love MN. Without knowing many details so many posters have assumed that the poor woman who has adopted a child is completely misunderstood and is probably being nice and the op is just taking the comments the wrong way, and it's actually the op who is hard work.

After 10 months of comments I think it would be pretty bloody clear if she was just having a hard time or whether she was being a cow. (Of course she could be having a hard time AND being a cow, which is probably the likely scenario).

Why do so many responders to a thread automatically take against the OP, and just ASSUME, with no basis at all, that the OP has got it all wrong. Is everyone just projecting their own situation?!?! Leaves me completely flabbergasted sometimes.

Op, stress can bring out the best or the worst in people. She is likely under a lot of stress, and sadly it sounds as though it's brought out the worst in her. Without the overwhelming stress she might revert back to the lovely friend you had before, but you need to consider whether you want to be close to someone whose instinct is to lash out at you when they are under stress.

Original poster
exmoormare · 27/01/2015 17:18

What catty comments, Sole?

Violetta, it isn't that I'm rejecting them: the opposite in fact. I sent a text last night based on a suggestion - people have since made suggestions that aren't relevant as friend reacted badly to the text.

Runner possibly, but it is pretty hard going!

Yackity thanks; I hope so. I want to balance being a good friend without being a punchbag!

OP posts:
OttiliaVonBCup · 27/01/2015 17:27

She also says 'we couldn't have produced such a beautiful child with our genes'

Yes, because only beautiful children deserve love.
What a cow.