To be upset at finding out DH has been searching out his female coworkers' profiles on FB for God knows what

[Menarefrommarzipan]

I discovered this while his account was open and happened across his search history (I know, I know, bad idea but his password is no secret between us. I just don't think he's aware you have a search history on there... but I digress) These women aren't his FB "friends", but they all work at the same company as he does (it's a very big company, they're not even in the same field/department so it's unlikely their paths even remotely cross during the workday) They're a handful of early 30s women, all blonde and for ease of description, "hot"- I'm brunette, early 40s, and prob wouldn't described as "hot" , I mean I'm not horrible looking- have been called "pretty" at times... I'm shaking typing thiswe've been together for almost 20 years, married for over 10-- I know men have needs and I imagine he's using these pics as inspiration for wank sessions. Guys have to do what they have to do- I get it- but I'm seething at the idea that these are REAL WOMEN he has been admiring/happened to notice in the office at one point. I could possibly see one of them at one of his work parties, who knows. It's creepy and gross, imo.

Thank you for seeing where I'm coming from he isn't a very communicative person, and doesn't show much affection, other than through sex, and that has become more and more infrequent since having our LOwho is almost 7--unless I initiate it, which means it happens about once a week/10 days...and to be frank I just don't know what to think... It is making me paranoid/insecure. He never turns me down when I initiate, but I don't know... :(

Redglitter- others thought I meant he was browsing around looking at friends of friends or something similar

You were wrong to spy on your DH. There's even entirely innocent reasons - "Fred, did you know the Marketing Director only hires blonde women who've been to X university" ? "Nah, can't believe that George, let's check..."

Or maybe he's just friends with these women, or maybe he's so sad and desperate for a wank and it just happens that every one of the women he might fantasise about happens to work for his company...

He doesn't have to be sad and desperate for a wank when I'm right there in bed next to him every night? I think he's gone off me (ok, now we're opening this can of worms...)

Ahh marzipan it sounds like you're not happy with a few aspects of your marriage at the moment. I think in this situation I would speak to him about your concerns, if you don't your insecurities might fill in the gaps and make you more unhappy. Do you get much time together as a couple? Hopefully if you can talk things through with him he'll realise how his behaviour has affected you and you can come up with a plan together to make things better.

And I think I'm reacting w/ shaking fury over this b/c I've been trying to come up w/ some reasons/explanations for his behaviour and this has been the closest I've gotten...

Agree with Pid

I can believe he might find them mildly attractive if they're all of a type, but seriously, OP, wouldn't he look at porn or more obviously sexy pictures for wanking purposes? Have you had an acrimonious discussion about porn use, so you suspect this is him being 'subtle'?

Also, while everyone's libido differs, I don't think once a week is cause for huge alarm..

So: I did gather the nerve to have a crying meltdown discussion w/ DH the other night about this and it was indeed a matter of him finding these women pretty (!!!) but he swears up and down that there are no feelings towards any of them. He didn't react strongly or defensively about my breach of his privacy (I am sorry I did it), which I think is interesting, as if he knew he was guilty of something and felt bad b/c of it. I questioned whether or not it was wank fodder (not quite in those words) and he denied it. I'm not entirely convinced I have to believe him, right? What's good is that it led to us having a conversation about our relationship and what we can do to nurture it. Since we've been married (about 10 yrs) he hasn't strayed (not that I'm aware) and hopefully that will continue to be the case. (Yes I have mega trust issues, lol) We do need to work on the resentment which has been building up for both of us, and we're both keen to do it, so that is the silver lining in this scenario. Thanks everyone for your replies- MN is the best. :)))

Do give over! Using Facebook profiles as Erm..... "inspiration" isn't going to happen in this day and age!

unless you are finding soiled grattan catalogues hidden around the house and your partner prefers to go "old school"....

Just nosy, I'm guilty of it too and trust me I have never used it for that purpose, nor do I have any intention of trying to start any illicit relationships with them!

Maybe you could take issue with the 'blondness' 'hotness' of those he chooses to look up. Although that may be because they tend to be the ones with the interesting profiles as compared to reading about Glenys in accounts weekend with the grandkids.

Whether that's acceptable to you rather depends where you sit on the spectrum between coolwife and Anyfucker

Oops bit late given later update.

It is a bit like looking at a pretty man / woman in the street.

Sounds like you made progress through good communication. Think you and he have dealt with this all pretty well