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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nine-year-old making her own lunch

54 replies

MamaLazarou · 25/01/2015 17:37

My nine-year-old niece told me that every morning she makes her own - and her 15-yr-old sister's packed lunches every morning before school.

She also regularly turns up for sleepovers (at ours and her father's house) without a hairbrush, warm jumper or enough clean clothes because she packs her own overnight bag.

On one occasion on a weekend away, the 9-yr-old slept in her clothes and hardly washed - her mother either didn't notice or didn't care.

When asked about this, their mother says that they are encouraged to be independent and do things for themselves.
She thinks IABU to think the nine-year-old has too much responsibility for her age.

Go on, Mumsnet - give it to me straight!

OP posts:

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 25/01/2015 17:39

She's 9. Take it with a pinch of salt and butt out

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 25/01/2015 17:41

Making packed lunches - meh, not a problem as long as an adult is checking everything that should be going is is going in.

I agree with you on the whole picture though. I'm all for encouraging independence but at 9 they need someone to check and include the stuff the things they've forgotten to put in.

pregnantpause · 25/01/2015 17:42

Yabu.

Nothing wrong with her making her own lunch - as long as she is supervised and can be trusted to pack real food not just crisps. Nothing wrong with her packing her own overnight bag - she did it badly and presumably will learn the consequence, it didn't kill her to sleep one night in her clothes. As to not washing I imagine her mother didn't worry because lots of rules regarding washing/ eating and bedtimes go out the window on sleepovers but it's one isolated night. She'll have a bath when she gets home.

Gileswithachainsaw · 25/01/2015 17:43

The making lunch thing is fine. She may well like doing it.

Dd made her own scrambled eggs yesterday. She asked to. She loves making lunches and baking.

I'd probably at taut age remind dd that she needs X because of the weather and make her yell me what she had packed.

not being made to wash though would bother me.

kwerty · 25/01/2015 17:44

Ok by me; friend's daughter of same age makes lunches for self and sister every day.
Part of the fun of being away, at that age , is not washing; DD went on a 5 day canoe and adventure trip with school and wore the same clothes the whole time. Hung shorts to dry on the tent at night. Had bag of lovely clothes but wore none.
Perhaps you could suggest basics are kept at Father's house; hairbrush, toothbrush, sweatshirt etc.

RJnomore · 25/01/2015 17:44

I think at 9 it is perfectly acceptable to make your own lunch. Presumably it's just a sandwich and putting some things together into a box? And I would expect them to pack their own bag at that age too, both of mines did, though I would check it before they went when they were smaller.

I don't think we do our children any favours by infantilising them and doing things which they re capable of doing themselves, and cause no risk, for them. IMO that kind of behaviour is more about the parent making themselves feel needed than any desire to support the child towards independence.

(but yeah, she needs to check the overnight bag, or at least give a list of items to go in it)

helensburgh · 25/01/2015 17:45

I agree it's more of the whole pic thing.
I'm all for independence but she should be being taught by an adult how to pack etc.

Original poster

MamaLazarou · 25/01/2015 17:46

I don't think she likes doing it. And it's definitely true.

The not washing thing really bugs me the most, TBH. Kid honks.

OP posts:

Jennifersrabbit · 25/01/2015 17:46

In principle Id be thrilled if my nearly nine year old was capable of making his own packed lunch. He has SN and it will take him a bit longer but I could see his sister doing it at that age.

I think the 15 year old is taking a liberty though. Also isn't part of developing independence checking they can do the job. So if dd was packing her own bag id let her do so but check she had the necessaries when she'd finished.

In fact DD (6) did pack her own bag for our holiday and that's exactly what I did. Let her get on with it, checked back with her removed half the princess dresses and added some toothbrushes and knickers, job done.

So in summary am all for developing independence but in my view that needs scaffolding and support from the adults.

ChippingInLatteLover · 25/01/2015 17:47

Nothing wrong with any of those things.

Frusso · 25/01/2015 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RJnomore · 25/01/2015 17:47

Oh and one day without a wash? Can't get het up about that. Not that long ago children were only bathed once a week. My 10 yo and a lot of her little friends are pretty determined soap dodgers, so not wanting to turn it into a battle on a weekend away, fine.

Theoretician · 25/01/2015 17:47

I remember the Economist article about a girl in an Amazon tribe who (if I remember details correctly) went along on a hunting expedition without her immediate family, caught some fish while the rest were hunting, made a fire, gutted and cooked fish, fed everyone in the hunting party. She was 6. (Point of the article was that western societies have lost all understanding of what children are capable of.)

Original poster

MamaLazarou · 25/01/2015 17:47

Ok, thanks for the opinions and perspective, all.

BTW, the not washing thing is not just on holiday, it is all the time. She is unpleasant to sit next to.

Really appreciate your views, thanks.

OP posts:

JennyBlueWren · 25/01/2015 17:48

IMO it is fine to encourage independence by having the child make her own (but not her sister's) packed lunch and pack her own overnight bag but under supervision e.g. she discusses what to put in the lunch (a sandwich, choice of fruit, treat) so it's not just chocolate and crisps and similarly wiht the overnight bag (and what will you need in the morning?).
Responsibility and independence need to be developed not just given or expected.

Original poster

MamaLazarou · 25/01/2015 17:50

Yes, it's the total lack of supervision that bugs me: it's as if she doesn't matter.

However, I have 'issues' about this as I was neglected as a child so am prepared to accept IABU.

OP posts:

pregnantpause · 25/01/2015 18:07

Not washing to the point of smelling before puberty is neglect. My dc could go days , weeks?, without washing and if their clothes were clean they would look grubby, filthy in fact, but not smelly. Smelly suggests dirty clothes/ bed linen / not brushing teeth- small children don't get smelly skin due to lack of sweat. It is also a concern if she's preparing food when dirty.

In isolation making packed lunch(?even for her older sister- perhaps the older makes breakfast while the younger makes packed lunch?) and packing for herself is fine - but what you go on to describe is a dirty neglected child

PowderMum · 25/01/2015 18:08

OP YANBU as there is as I am sure you are aware a difference between independence and neglect.
I have 2 DDs and they have always made their own packed lunches, definitely since they were 11, and intermittently before this as they would have school dinners some days. This was not forced by me, and at first I was in the kitchen whilst they did it, it was more that they wen't eating mine as I was not doing it right. So I gave them the opportunity to do it themselves and it was a much happier system. Now at 15 and 18 they are very capable around food/the kitchen.
They have also packed their own cases/overnight bags from around 7/8 but this started by me writing a list (on the PC) and updating it for each event, again I was teaching them a skill, with support and love (a a good check when they were done).
Younger DD would not make elder DD lunch unless for a very good reason. At the age of 9 they would not have gone to school without a lunch, although they may have turned up for a sleepover with something missing, and one year DD1 went on holiday without pants (she was 16 so I thought that I didn't need to check).
The non washing would be a bigger flag for me, preteens do go through a stage of water aversion and need encouragement to wash.

notonyourninny · 25/01/2015 18:12

My 9 year old waaking her own lunches, at10 still is. Also, packs herself when goes anywhere. I usually verbally check. I don't see an issue.

Endler32 · 25/01/2015 18:12

I know a few 9 year olds that make their own packed lunches, I wish mine would , if my 10 year old packed her own overnight bag it would probably contain food and maybe a spare top , I'm sure not having a hairbrush or towel is going to kill them. I think YABU.

notnaice · 25/01/2015 18:12

Neither of those things are bad in isolation, but if she's not managing them successfully then she needs more input. I would be asking them if they remembered to put in toothbrush, warm clothes, pants etc at that age but mine have been packing their own bags successfully from about that age.
Does she make healthy packed lunches or is it just rubbish?

So yes those things are ok as long as she manages them well. You see what else goes on. The smelling us rather worrying. I think you may well be right to be concerned. You see the bigger picture. I don't think anyone would have been worried to see my kids doing the above, but it is obvious they are generally well looked after.

Go with your gut instinct.

notonyourninny · 25/01/2015 18:14

Not washi g to the point of smelling is an issue.

ApocalypseThen · 25/01/2015 18:14

Hmmm, I've mixed views. I think lunch is good, at nine she should be able to do those jobs if she has no limitations.

If she isn't being taught self care and personal hygiene as she approaches puberty, I do think that's an issue. In that context I would be a bit concerned about the packing. If she was being taught and made a few omissions, that would not be a concern. But if she isn't and doesn't know what to pack as a result, that's not good.

MrsTawdry · 25/01/2015 18:16

Teaching independence is a fine thing...it's not to be thrust upon them so that they're neglected. My friend's son was in tears last week because he came to school without his swimming things. He is also 9....his parents said "Well...if you don't know where they are you must reap the consequences"

apart from anything, since THEY do the laundry he can hardly be expected to know where his things are if they don't hand him them at the end of the wash...he's too young to get himself sorted.

queentroutoftrouts · 25/01/2015 18:24

Sounds like neglect to me.

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