To send DS to a holiday club as I cannot cope with him anymore?

[MagersfonteinLugg]

Am currently sitting in my living room. The lamp no longer works, the sofa has stuffing pulled out of it, there is orange peel all over the floor and the curtains have been pulled down.....all thanks to my "lovely" DS.
This behaviour I should point out is normal everyday shit and usually takes place when I am in the shower.
I am in tears and have finally lost it. His brother and sister are no angels but they never do anything like this.
I want to enjoy the school hols and spend time with my DCs but seem to spend all of the holiday just cleaning up his shit.
So have decided that if any of us are going to enjoy the school holidays then it might be best if he went to a holiday club.
I could then actually do stuff with the other two and enjoy the time with them.
DH thinks I am being unreasonable. But I think the other DCs are missing out due to DS2s shitty behaviour.
AIBU?

I would also get him assessed. Many children manage to keep it together at school and not at home.

Shame on the poster who merely posted "he sounds awful". Very supportive.

No words of wisdom op, but God that is horrendous. You must be physically and emotionally at the end of your tether. I get that this seems unfair to your son, but is it fair for your other two to have to live with this? Do you have any idea why he does this?

I would as he demands so much attention, however don't brush this under the carpet. Maybe some breathing space will do you all good for now.

I would particularly as the other two went to holiday club last year. You need a breather. Am guessing you are in the Southern Hemisphere? So school starts in Feb?

But once you've got some head space back, you need to find a long term solution. I would really suggest counselling or similar to start. Don't expect him to be like his brother. Learning difficulties all present in different ways. He may have something else entirely as well.

Just keep being consistent and look for something that will work. It will get better.

You sound like you do need a breather

but YABU to assume that a 3 hour session at soft play will change his way of relating to you if it Is longstanding

I would totally ignore and not engage with the moaning at the end at all. Rational explaining gives him more attention.

Does his school know that there is a problem like this at home? Some SEND conditions (such as Autistic Spectrum) mean that a child copes at school but not at home. There are lots of reasons for this.

School can get the right people to support you- possibly through a family support worker or, if you'd like, the CAF system. This would allow access to support at home so that you don't feel alone.

Have school mentioned friendships or learning needs at all?

There is a lack of understanding, or association between his actions and the consequences. He may be OK at school because of the very structured nature of the day.
Firstly you probably need to keep a behaviour diary. Either with him, if you think he can cope, or privately if you think he can't. This should give you a very clear indication of his triggers, and will certainly help you to explain things if you seek professional help.
Of you need to leave him to entertain himself (like when you have a shower) you may need to talk through some things he can do, and some things you don't want to happen.. Then see how he deals with that.
An inability to understand consequences and to deal with unstructured time are some traits of autistic behaviour as queen ( above) has said. Let us know how you are getting along.

C'mon OP, you manage your other two children, you know this isn't your parenting. Your ds2 needs some sort of help, you just don't quite know what, yet.

And if your older child has ASD, there is a higher than normal possibility that DS2 may also have a special need, even if no one has figured out quite what.

Apart from sometimes being demanding and destructive, does he have challenging behaviours? Does he eat and sleep well? Is he coordinated? Does he make friends ok? How's his reading? Is he particular about what he wears or how bright it is or other specifics?

Might it worth starting a thread in special needs to see if his behaviour strikes a chord with any other posters and they may be able to offer advice?

I really feel for you and you sound exhausted. But you are saying emitionally high level stuff to a SIX year old like "why can't you be satisfied". You seem to be pitching it at a level far above where he is. A lot of kids push their luck with can i have Requests. You seem to be taking it very personally.
I second everyone else asking for help for him. But I'd also like to ask you if you feel ok? There's an anguished desperation in your post that suggests exhaustion (bbeyond normal parenting tiredness) or even depression. Is your husband stepping up? Is your relationship ok?

OP. Your ds1 sounds so much like mine. Ds1 is 4. We knew for some time he needed more help than we alone could give. He is the middle child of 4 (6yo dd, Dts 2).

Ds1 is a little angel at school for the most part (play times he gets a little rough letting off steam but school put it down as a 'boy thing').

Anyway, at home he is destructive, violent towards his siblings, and at times dh and I. He didn't sleep well at all.

After battling with health care professionals, when one saw ds1 have a meltdown of over an hour we were finally believed and referrals were flung about. The short answer is ds1 is believed to have adhd (hyperactive impulsive rather than attention deficit) and treating him as such is certainly helping improve things at home.

You need to look at getting professional input for your son rather than burying your head in the sand that another child may have additional needs. It may turn out tone simply attention seeking behaviour. But to me, and with my not dissimilar experience, it feels like more than that. And it would be incredibly unfair for your ds to be labeled as naughty when he might not be able to help himself.

Have you heard of the saying "if you have met one person with autism, then you have met one person with autism"?
I have a friend with a DS with ASD, very severe, special school etc. It has just been suggested to her that her DS2 may have ASD and she is really shocked as they are so different.

Conditions like ASD can present in different ways. PDA is part of the AS and can mean that children are very different at home and school.

I would speak to school/school nurse/GP etc just to rule out any conditions if nothing else.

As a parent of children that are not neurotypical, I am seething at all the suggestions that you simply enforce boundaries etc. as you have two older DC that are not presenting with these behaviours, I am assuming that you are able to parent effectively and that your parenting is not an issue here!

I envy the naivety of all the smug posters on here.

Holiday club is fine btw. You need to recharge your batteries and be able to cope. You can explain it to him by it being age appropriate for him and not his siblings. Find an activity he enjoys, maybe where a friend will be going. Be kind to yourself, it's tough.

His meltdown and demanding the DS game on top of the soft play is being interpreted by most posters as being an example of spoilt and entitled behaviour but it could be a misunderstanding.
I have a DC who would do this thinking "the game would be better than that soft play session that I've just had, I want to choose the game instead" not realising that the choice had been made and that the choosing was over.
You would need some kind of cognitive profile or neurodevelopmental assessment to see what's going on here.

Take the wii away permanently. Also any other devices: iPad etc. No games, ever.

I have an older DS who used to behave like yours, and worse.

He is now 9 & his behaviour is 90% better. But, if he plays any kind of computer game, even at a friends house, then there is a noticeable difference in his behaviour in the day (sometimes days!) afterwards & he starts having meltdowns & shoring destructive behaviour again. I do actually mean meltdowns, not just temper-tantrums.

It is worth a try, anyway.

My DS was on the waiting list for CAHMS at 6. Like your DS, his behaviour was only bad at home.

The CAHMS apt took 18 months to come through. By that time, we had finally clicked about the computer games. Also started giving him IQ fish oils, which really do make a difference to his mood. We cancelled the apt as we no longer felt that we needed it.

He still thinks it is unfair that he goes to bed earlier than his friends, that he is not allowed to play computer games or drink sugary drinks & eat coloured sweets. But he is a MUCH happier boy.

Even now, if he has a few late nights or plays computer games at a friends, we see the consequences in his behaviour for a few days afterwards. Most children of his age can do those things without major adverse effects, but for my DS, he is so "hyped up" naturally that it doesn't take much to push him to the point of manic!

Op, you sound as if you don't like him very much. Perhaps he is picking up on this.

Yy to love bombing him. I think you also need to change your sanctions. They aren't working.

the explosive child book recommended is excellent. My dd1 is a lot like this, very violent and explosive, she is 11 and we have finally worked out what sets her off and got the meltdowns down to 1 or 2 a week. It is draining, I have so much sympathy. traditional punishments dont work and often make things a lot worse. I have pretty much stopped seeing friends and quite a few family as I got fed up of the judgements about my parenting. DD has dsypraxia and we think she also has as but we are fighting to get her assesed as she is so perfect at school. School are supportive but we have been told time and again that if she can hold it together at school she cant really have a problem. I feel its that holding it together at school causes so much pressure that when she relaxes at home it all comes out.
Things we have done to help dd are try to be consistent and routine about everything. Try to let her have control to pre arranged boundaries (she cant bear being told what to do). We have set her room up with a lot of sensory stimulating things so she can realease some of the tension, she has a variety pf different lights, glittery, coloured and lava. She has a chair that spins and has a hood so she can shut herself in it. She has a lot of differnt areas, giannt bean bags. All stuff that helps the tension to be realeased before explosion point. All of this seems to work well for her and we have seen a vast improvement in her behaviour since we started to understand that what works for other kids simply doesnt work for her.

Have spent the day fixing curtains, lamp and restuffing the sofa.
Also had to shampoo the carpet as he decided to walk through the house with his muddy wellies on. When I asked why he hadn't taken them off at the door he said he forgot he was wearing them
I can only assume he is on a mission to push me over the edge.
Shampooed the carpet then booked the holiday club........we need some space

You have done the right thing op. Maybe he needs mutual space as well. It is really unfair to your other children the constant bad behaviour, winding up and upset. Have a trial at the club and speak to him every day to see if he is still happy to go.

Some great advice here

Also agree space will give you space to calm down and to think about what to do

Out of curiosity how many hours of wi and computer games? I know it's really hated to cut if his elder siblings do it - and maybe it's not even the issue but u so think children his age it can mess with their heads

I'm not sure why we all jump straight to needing an assessment. Sometimes bad behaviour really is just that! In all honesty I'd be disgusted with this kind of behaviour. Does he get pocket money? If so I'd deduct the cost of anything he breaks from that from now on. He needs some seriously firm consequences.

I'd take his wii away in addition for any other kind of misbehaviour and say he can only have it back when he tidies his own mess and apologises. I don't think it's so bad to use a holiday club next time for a break, but I think he needs some tighter boundaries overall before he exhausts you!

He walked mud into the house because he "forgot he had wellies on" and you just shampooed the carpet, fixed the sofa and re-hung the curtains?

If my DC peed their beds because they "forgot to go to the toilet" they stripped them, completely and re-made them themselves.

I never,ever punished night-time wee-ing if they went to the loo but if they did it because they "forgot" then they had to know that someone was left with alot of work, and they would take a part.

Winding you up. Flipping Hell, Yes. Big Time.

The wii is in the living room so he doesn't get much time on it and hardly ever plays games on it apart from Disney infinity.
Watches stuff on Netflix on the wii but can only access the children's stuff. Seems to have a thing for My Little Pony ATM.
Has a DS but not really interested in it tbh.

SoggyOldBiscuit can you please tell me more about the computer games triggering your son? We have just got our first ever PS so I would really like to know!