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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send DS to a holiday club as I cannot cope with him anymore?

99 replies

MagersfonteinLugg · 24/01/2015 22:26

Am currently sitting in my living room. The lamp no longer works, the sofa has stuffing pulled out of it, there is orange peel all over the floor and the curtains have been pulled down.....all thanks to my "lovely" DS.
This behaviour I should point out is normal everyday shit and usually takes place when I am in the shower.
I am in tears and have finally lost it. His brother and sister are no angels but they never do anything like this.
I want to enjoy the school hols and spend time with my DCs but seem to spend all of the holiday just cleaning up his shit.
So have decided that if any of us are going to enjoy the school holidays then it might be best if he went to a holiday club.
I could then actually do stuff with the other two and enjoy the time with them.
DH thinks I am being unreasonable. But I think the other DCs are missing out due to DS2s shitty behaviour.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 24/01/2015 23:08

The consequence was that he was sent to his room for time out( or to give us all a breather).
DS1 was diagnosed 3 years ago with add as his behaviour was challenging both at home and at school. However he has never been anywhere near as bad as DS2.
He does not need a diagnosis. If he can behave at school he can behave at home unlike DS 1 who found it difficult to behave at either .
To my mind he is just attention seeking but even when he does get the attention ( like today) he is just never satisfied. Just seems to be all me me me.

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 24/01/2015 23:11

OP - you have 3 DC, and it would appear from what you say that only your youngest DC has this issue. So it is pretty unlikely that, unless there is some reason why you have long-term been singling out DS2 for different treatment, it is your parenting approach that is the issue.

It seems more likely that there is something going on unique to DS2, than that you don't know the parenting basics.

The truth is that there are some DC who do not respond to the kind of consequences Longdistance is describing. This is not a choice on their part - they would do it if they could - but they are unable to comply, even when what they are doing is actively harmful to their own interests.

I know how utterly exhausting it can be, trying to keep up with this. Do try to get some help for DS2 and yourselves.

ghostyslovesheep · 24/01/2015 23:11

he's getting attention through bad behaviour - a better option might be to put the other 2 in holiday club and spend time with him?

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 24/01/2015 23:12

Yes have read DR Greene AND the rest!

OP posts:
IsItMeOr · 24/01/2015 23:13

Magers please read this - you are not correct to conclude that DS2 does not need an assessment simply because his behaviour is apparently okay at school.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 24/01/2015 23:16

The Wii would go into hiding in my house.

When you say "demanding" a new game. what did he say?

Original poster
MagersfonteinLugg · 24/01/2015 23:16

ghosty, spent 3 hours with him today without the other 2 DCs......still came out moaning and not satisfied.
Did the hol club thing last year for DS1 and DD and took DS2 swimming, cinema, park, just me and him. Again not bloody good enough for him.... Just constant whining and wanting more.

OP posts:
championnibbler · 24/01/2015 23:21

YANBU.
he sounds awful.
sorry to say that, but he does.

IsItMeOr · 24/01/2015 23:23

I'm guessing you've tried Lovebombing, then?

IsItMeOr · 24/01/2015 23:25

He sounds like he's very distressed for some reason.

And it sounds like you are not wanting to be around him right now - which is understandable, as it sounds like very hard work, and you don't know how to change it.

Have you had him assessed for underlying health condtions? It's just that would seem to be the way to find out what might be going on.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/01/2015 23:28

"DH thinks I am being unreasonable"
What alternative has he suggested?

youarekiddingme · 24/01/2015 23:28

Does he have any other sensory seeking behaviours? From your description it sounds like any input stimulates him and he needs more of it.

What about positive behaviour rewards? Star charts or the like. We have just started a minecraft time earner here. DS gets minecraft sticker for each task he completes which he exchanges for time on it.

Also do not get lulled into that false sense of he can behave at school so...... My DS is as good as gold at school. He can still be found hiding under tables with his soft toy because it's all too much. (He's year 6) and telling me he wants to kill himself at home.

I understand totally why holiday club would give you the time you need but it won't address why he does it or stop it.

fromparistoberlin73 · 24/01/2015 23:31

What isitme said , if I ever heard someone crying out for a love bomb it's your ds

Something is nagging him or troubling him maybe ? You said he was being a little sod a year ago

I am not blaming you but maybe he is picking up and it aggravates

Also cut the computer games if you can . We did that this end and such an improvement

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 24/01/2015 23:34

Does he want to do things just you and him or would he prefer a trip somewhere with one of his school friends joining you?

I know 7 yo 'want'. And maybe he's jealous of his older siblings? My DS always reckoned as the eldest that he should get extra privilidges like later bedtimes. But being the youngest has it's own priviledges but he probably doesn't see it.

I wouldn't be tolerating the destruction of your sofa and curtains. He'd be standing outside the bathroom door where I could hear him while I had a shower.

The moaning and wanting more? If he said he wanted the play area then it's over and done with but the Wii game is longer lasting (though I'd still take the bloody thing off him.. Mine didn't have Nintendo DS until they were 10/11yo. No way at 7 )

Vijac · 25/01/2015 00:08

I don't think you can put one child in and not the others, unless they really want to go or do a particular activity.

Are you careful not to show your frustration/dislike of his behaviour too much? You need to show him that you enjoy his company, that you trust him and that you know he is a good and kind kid. Try your best to avoid his bad behaviour by planning things for him, putting clear structure and rules in place.

I personally think that too much time playing computer games is bad for behaviour, cut down to 30mins a day. And they only get that if they do/don't do certain things through the day. Good luck.

Fairenuff · 25/01/2015 00:11

What the heck is a 'love bomb'?

EugenesAxe · 25/01/2015 00:22

Fairenuff - it's when you give a big demonstration of love to a child 1:1, usually in an attempt to allay feelings of insecurity.

Fairenuff · 25/01/2015 00:25

It looks like OP has already tried that then.

ImLizawithaZ · 25/01/2015 00:26

Yanbu. Flowers

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 25/01/2015 00:33

What games does he play on the Wii anyway?

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 25/01/2015 00:42

Yanbu, take it as respite for the rest of the family, then work on the carpet issues when her gets back and you've ask had a decent break.

differentnameforthis · 25/01/2015 00:53

I think excluding him will make him worse. It's a terrible idea!

What is your dh doing in all this?

Stop using time out - excluding & it doesn't work...I'm betting all this toys are in his bedroom? Also, you start making the bedroom a place to be feared, so it could potentially mess up.

Make him clear up him mess, no matter how long it takes. The lamp - does he get pocket money? If so, that goes until he has paid fro a new one.

Kids do whine & want more, you have to put your foot down. A simple NO to the game is all he needs to hear, no engaging, no telling him that play space should have been enough (because in all honesty, noting is never really enough for kids, they want it all & they want it all now). Let him scream & shout & ignore it.

BUT you have to be consistent & strong.
And I agree re diagnosis. It's doesn't mean that he doesn't need one, just because he is OK at school.

differentnameforthis · 25/01/2015 01:02

And aside from the cinema, swimming etc, how do you engage with him at home?

Going to the cinema & swimming alone is lovely, op..but if you stop engaging once you walk in the door (as you did to go play with your other ds) really cuts off the experience.

I am not saying you can't engage with your other children, but why can't they all have done something together?

He does sound jealous when his siblings get attention too, do you ever do anything together (as in as a family), or is your time spent one on one, with one or two children always left to their own devices? Perhaps he feels excluded, and so kicks off for your attention, and then you send him to his room! And yes, I know he has just been with you for a few hours, but in his mind, he was playing..he didn't have your complete attention. Playing on a playground isn't spending time with you!

Jackieharris · 25/01/2015 02:28

I think 7 is too old for time out to be effective.

Imo he would benefit from assessment. Just because his behaviour doesn't fit the same pattern as ds1 doesn't mean he doesn't have some kind of condition.

OriginalGreenGiant · 25/01/2015 02:39

When we left after 3 hours he demanded I buy him a new game for his wii. I explained that he had been given the choice of the game OR the indoor play thing. He chose one but was now demanding both! I asked why he couldn't be satisfied with the last 3 hours and he said I was being mean and to stop upsetting him

Sorry op but this sounds really wishy washy to me. He demanded you buy him something and you explained xyz? Then engaged in what sounds like an arguement.

Ds1 is 7 and if he demanded I buy something for him he'd be getting a raised eyebrow, my death stare and a consequence if he didn't apologise immediately for speaking to me like that.