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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely fuming with my Ex?

57 replies

HealthyChanges · 24/01/2015 10:02

EX has contact with DS every Saturday for the whole day.

He has been ignoring me at pick up and drop off for a few months and today his DM was with him and there was another woman sitting in the car.

He knocked on the door, I handed DS over and his DM starts a conversation about how excited DS is to see my EX and his GF (first I have ever heard about it). I said that I didn't know that EX had a partner and his DM said 'it's not something you talk about with previous partners'.

I admit I said a little too sharply 'If he had any respect for me as a parent he wouldn't have introduced a random person into my DS' life without letting me know'.

(EX was getting DS into the car at this point so wasn't in the conversation) His DM said that his personal life isn't any of my business and walked away.

I am fuming I am shaking with anger that he has introduced someone to DS behind my back, I feel like he has completely disrespected me as a parent and has been very sneaky by not saying anything at pick up/drop off.

AIBU to feel this enraged?

FWIW I do not have any feelings for this man and it is purely anger to due DS being introduced to a woman I had no idea about.

His DM has never liked me so her comments were expected, the fact that EX had introduced someone to DS was not.

OP posts:

wheresthelight · 24/01/2015 10:05

without being mean who your son has contact with whilst he his with his dad is none of your business. he has no obligation to tell you whatsoever unfortunately.

do you run it past him if you introduce ds to a new friend?

Nolim · 24/01/2015 10:05

Just to clarify what would be an appripriate heads up? A text or call or whatever saying i have a gf and will be introducing her to dc tomorrow?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 24/01/2015 10:08

Fair enough to feel like that, you have the right to be upset. However, personally, I just wouldn't be able to get that bothered. Your ex doesn't see him that much, maybe it will decrease now he has someone in his life.

WannaBe · 24/01/2015 10:08

yabu. Who he introduces your ds to is in fact none of your business, as it is none of his who you introduce your ds to. And even if he says that he will be introducing his gf to your ds it doesn't give you any more control.

Original poster

HealthyChanges · 24/01/2015 10:09

It would have been nice for my EX to mention it to me when he has dropped off DS previously, I thought that that is what separated parents do out of respect for each other. I know I certainly would have had I ever wanted to introduce a man to our DC.

OP posts:

BIWI · 24/01/2015 10:11

Why should he though? You are not a couple any more. He is perfectly entitled to have a relationship with someone else, and it's inevitable that your DS will meet his new partner. I'm sure he will have explained to his DS that this woman is his 'friend', will he not?

Has your DS not mentioned it to you?

M00nUnit · 24/01/2015 10:11

YABU and his DM was right.

ImBatDog · 24/01/2015 10:14

nope, sorry.. yabu. It really isn't any of your business.

Ledkr · 24/01/2015 10:16

His mother sounds like a smug stirring women to me.
Pity yiu showed you were bothered really as she was clearly trying to piss you off.
In an ideal world he would have told you yes but it doesn't always work like that.
Rise above it.

pictish · 24/01/2015 10:22

I think that if things were more amicable between you, it would have been gracious of him to mention it in passing.
But that's not the state of play, so that's not what happened.

He can see and do what he likes. You can feel however you do about it, justified or not, but ultimately you have no sway. It's up to him.
Sorry. I hope you can find some peace over this soon. x

TwinkleDust · 24/01/2015 10:24

Common courtesy means that he should ideally give you a heads-up that he was at the stage of introducing GF into child's life. Also, your son's age could be relevant - a teenager for e.g. is slightly different to a non-verbal 2yo. I guess when you are dating again then you will return the favour.

BoneyBackJefferson · 24/01/2015 10:25

So many questions but after not speaking to each other for months why do you believe that he should start with personal information?

CeliaLytton · 24/01/2015 10:28

YABU but understandably, you are worried about communication between yourself and your ex, worried about confusion your son might have about this new woman in his dad's life, worried about changes to the status quo.

I have sympathy, but as others have said, it's now none of your business and it's his dad's job to explain any change in circs to your son. At this point, assuming they're not living together, it's no different from your ex introducing your son to any old random friend of his on his contact weekend. Try to let it go

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2015 10:29

Another yabvu, he is his ds dad too, so has a right to do how he sees fit.

GretnaGreen · 24/01/2015 10:31

I would just bear in mind that your MIL is a vicious old stirrer and work on not letting her see how bothered you are.

PurpleSwift · 24/01/2015 10:32

Yabvu. His private like IS none of your business.
I'm sure you can come back with "well yes it is when it involves my son" but children can meet new people everyday! People in the street, other children, friends etc. Does it matter that this is your exes new girlfriend? No, not really.

Original poster

HealthyChanges · 24/01/2015 10:36

Sorry DS is 2, thank you for your replies.

I'll suck it up and accept it, I guess I was hurt by his DM's comments and I'll have to get used to the thought that DS will have another female in his life.

Thank you for being blunt, it's what I needed to understand that I WBU.

OP posts:

LadyMacmuffintop · 24/01/2015 10:38

healthychanges It's really really hard and I feel for you and I also understand completely that you are very angry. This was a horrible way to find out that your partner has a new GF who he would be introducing to your son. His DM is a bitch and the way it has been done is like rubbing your nose in it. So no, you are not BU at all and it's completely normal for you to feel this way. However...

whilst this has been done in a discourteous and unpleasant way, and whilst it would have been a whole lot nicer if you could have discussed this situation and how you would both handle it before it actually became a reality (as one has to assume people are going to move on at some stage) everyone is quite right that your EX does have a right to have a new GF and also in fact to introduce her to your son when he feels it's appropriate. Whether you think it's appropriate or not.

The best thing you can do is suck it up, and figure out the best way to speak to your son about her when you can do it without showing your anger and hurt. You need to be calm for him whatever you are feeling inside otherwise you run the risk of him sensing he can't or shouldn't talk to you about her or what he does when he's with his dad.

Minkybinkyboo · 24/01/2015 10:44

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Meeting a parents new partner is a big deal and any sensible person would have warned you so you could be aware of your child maybe coming home unsettled. I agree that you can't stop each other from moving on but you're his mother and I would want to know about who my child was meeting. Likewise, you should inform his dad when you introduce a new partner. I don't believe that just because you are sharing custody you don't get to know what's happening with your child that day (but maybe I'm just nosey!)

fedupbutfine · 24/01/2015 11:06

it is not unreasonable that you are warned of an impending introduction to a new partner, no. However, the Law says you can do what you want without having to discuss it with the other parent so you have no choice but to suck it up and get on with it. Your ex has now set the standard and in my experience, this gives you a little freedom now to live your life without worrying about the impact your actions might have on your ex. There are plenty of scenarios where this works in your favour and will certainly make your life easier. Expect him to have a complete and utter fit, however, should you do the same when the time comes!

JustAnotherControlFreak · 24/01/2015 11:06

Another yabu. It is just not your business. As long as ex, his dm and his partner are respectful of your DS and keep him happy, healthy and safe then you do not need to be involved.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/01/2015 11:12

Of course discussing it or informing would be the the decent thing to do.

But some people are not decent and sadly unless he has a habit of introducing new ones every few months and they have issues then not much you can do about it.

ChippingInLatteLover · 24/01/2015 11:17

They'll come, they'll go. You'll always be his Mum.

Do something nice for the rest of the day and don't spoil your few hours of peace & quiet stewing over them all, it's really not worth it.

FreudiansSlipper · 24/01/2015 11:18

I do not think yabu

I kind it very odd that others think what ds is up to or who he is spending considerable time with when he is away from me as none of my business and I would never say it's none of his dad's business of course it is

You do not stop being a parent just because your child/children are with your ex partner for the weekend

A new partner coming into your child's life can often cause confusion

I would expect any ex who has a respectful relationship with the father/mother of their child to inform them once the their child is building a relationship with their new partner. It is not asking permission it is simply saying my life is a little different now this may have an impact

MidniteScribbler · 24/01/2015 11:19

Think about it from the other side of the argument. Do you tell your ex about every new person your DS is introduced to? If you have a date, do you tell your ex every time you go out with someone? You are separated now. What you do on your time is your business, and what he does on his time is his business.

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