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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be absolutely fuming with my Ex?

57 replies

HealthyChanges · 24/01/2015 10:02

EX has contact with DS every Saturday for the whole day.

He has been ignoring me at pick up and drop off for a few months and today his DM was with him and there was another woman sitting in the car.

He knocked on the door, I handed DS over and his DM starts a conversation about how excited DS is to see my EX and his GF (first I have ever heard about it). I said that I didn't know that EX had a partner and his DM said 'it's not something you talk about with previous partners'.

I admit I said a little too sharply 'If he had any respect for me as a parent he wouldn't have introduced a random person into my DS' life without letting me know'.

(EX was getting DS into the car at this point so wasn't in the conversation) His DM said that his personal life isn't any of my business and walked away.

I am fuming I am shaking with anger that he has introduced someone to DS behind my back, I feel like he has completely disrespected me as a parent and has been very sneaky by not saying anything at pick up/drop off.

AIBU to feel this enraged?

FWIW I do not have any feelings for this man and it is purely anger to due DS being introduced to a woman I had no idea about.

His DM has never liked me so her comments were expected, the fact that EX had introduced someone to DS was not.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/01/2015 11:22

fedup

Does the law actually say individual parents can do what they like without informing or anything?

My understanding of it is that whilst there is no expectation or requirement to share information about the day to day care there is an expectation to share inform or agree things that affect the welfare of a child and that both parents should attempt to gain agreement on important issues.

I was able to obtain a court order prohibiting my sons dad from introducing new partners without my agreement (granted the circumstances were quite significant)

FreudiansSlipper · 24/01/2015 11:25

The op is not concerning herself with who her ex is dating she is wanting to know who her son is spending time with and possibly building a relationship with he is 2 fgs not 12 where he can make up his own mind and express how he feels

theendoftheendoftheend · 24/01/2015 11:32

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but others are right unfortunately you do have to suck it up and it only becomes your business if it affects your DC unduly.
On the plus side, it doesn't tend to! Your DS is 2, he's no idea, its just another person to meet. She won't appear to be a replacement of you to him, she isn't, the fact your ex is sleeping with her is neither here nor there to you OR your son. My ex's recent GF is apparently worried about 'treading on my toes' with the DC, which I thought was sweet, but also slightly strange. I'm their mum, she's their fathers girlfriend, the two just aren't comparable!

browneyedgirl86 · 24/01/2015 11:34

I think yanbu.

Your son is young and may have been unsettled by your ex's new girlfriend. To me it's common courtesy you get a heads up.

His DM sounds like a right shit stirring bitch. Misses point of thread

Goldmandra · 24/01/2015 11:37

There needs to be a balance between being able to live separate lives and maintaining a respectful, communicative relationships for the sake of your child.

No father should have to have the mother's permission to introduce their child to anyone (unless there is something very, very wrong with that father's ability to keep their children safe), whether they are a couple or not. Fathers have the right to make choices for their children too and trying to maintain control when a relationship has broken down isn't going to help anyone.

However, any parent should also be aware that introducing a new partner is a significant event in their child's life and working in partnership with their child's other parent is likely to make the whole thing easier for everyone. For a start the child is likely to ask questions to make sense of the new relationship and it would be helpful if both parents are in a position to answer.

It is also much better for the child not to be stuck in the middle of a tense situation, not knowing what they can say to each parent about the other and their life with them.

So,OP, YABU to feel you have the right to know when your ex is going to introduce your child to anyone but YANBU to feel that is would be better if your ex could communicate significant events like this to you in advance for the sake of your child.

Palooza · 24/01/2015 11:38

DS's dad didn't even tell me he was getting married, DS did!

It sounds like your ex's mum was stirring, and yanbu to feel a bit disconcerted about people you know nothing about being part of your DCs life, but there's no reason your ex should tell you really. I do know it can be weird though.

crazylady12 · 24/01/2015 11:42

I don't think it being unreasonable I would be furious that I hadn't been told ( but in my case my ex is a twat and has a new one every week) I think every mum feels like this when there ex get a new partner and it's not a bad thing it our motherly instinct

laughingmyarseoff · 24/01/2015 11:42

YABU but you've accepted that, you aren't BU to feel it would have been courteous- it would have. But then I guess his lack of that is one reason why he is and ex? Just remember that when you have a DP the same applies, he has no right to know or be warned.

Goldmandra · 24/01/2015 11:56

Just remember that when you have a DP the same applies, he has no right to know or be warned.

That isn't going to be particularly helpful for the child though is it?

SorchaN · 24/01/2015 12:42

You're not being unreasonable; your ex is being an ass. He may be technically within his rights, but it's still a crappy thing to do, and it looks like he's more interested in playing power games with you than in ensuring his son's emotional welfare. There's probably not much you can do about it though. And bear in mind that if your ex's mother is horrid to you, she'll probably also be horrid to the ex's new partner before too long.

laughingmyarseoff · 24/01/2015 13:58

Why would it affect the child? If OP is Unreasonable for wanting to be informed then so would her ex be.

skylark2 · 24/01/2015 14:04

The child's two - what would the OP have said to him in advance anyway?

I can't see there being anything better for a two year old than getting in the car with daddy who says "oh and this is my friend x, she's looking forward to playing with you."

fedupbutfine · 24/01/2015 14:37

Does the law actually say individual parents can do what they like without informing or anything?...I was able to obtain a court order prohibiting my sons dad from introducing new partners without my agreement (granted the circumstances were quite significant)

the Law clearly states that a person with parental responsibility for a child can essentially do what they want when their child is with them. There is a need to consult on major issues - religion, schools, health - but on the day to day bringing up of a child, it's up to the parent to choose what goes on otherwise you are getting into the realms of controlling another adult because you have a child with them.

It is interesting you got an Order - I am assuming you had some major extenuating circumstances? My ex has had a number of live-in partners - they are always introduced immediately (within days of meeting) and I've never said a word. I did fight my childrens relationship with the woman he left me for - but that was because she hit them.

bettyboop1970 · 24/01/2015 15:08

Unfortunately your ex-mil has got the exact response she wanted.

CalicoBlue · 24/01/2015 15:26

I can understand that you are angry. But are you angry with your horrid exmil for the nasty way she told you. If she felt it was none of your business why was she telling you. Or are you angry that your ex has introduced a new gf to your ds?

I think you probably have a different reaction to each, I would be furious with exmil for being such a bitch. More understanding to ex for not telling me about his new gf, a bit pissed off but not furious.

I get on quite well with my ex, but I know he has a gf and my kids know her, but he has never told me or mentioned her to me. He likes to keep that part of his life away from me, fine I don't mind.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/01/2015 16:45

fed

Very much the same issues as you had with the OW only he then went on to have a succession of apparently very serious partners that tended to last about 3-6 months with quite significant CP issues of their own with the addition of them all being introduced as my sons new mummy.

It was the easiest order I obtained out of all of the other prohibited steps orders I got (copious) my son is now much older and his dad has had almost no legal ability to do pretty much anything without my written consent since he was 6. It was either that or have a no direct contact order. The court orders allowed contact to go ahead in a safe way for several years until my son called a stop completely to any contact when he hit 13.

All in all he benefitted from 7 years of a safe relationship that he would not otherwise have had.

I know in my case introducing another adult in a parental role was not considered to be day to day parenting and was considered to be an important thing that we should consult on.

Goldmandra · 24/01/2015 16:51

Why would it affect the child? If OP is Unreasonable for wanting to be informed then so would her ex be.

Engaging in tit for tat, points scoring and power games is obviously going to make the relationship harder and the poor child will end up feeling like piggy in the middle.

The OP needs to be the better person and put the needs of her child first.

laughingmyarseoff · 24/01/2015 17:22

But again how will it affect a two year old child? It's not point scoring, the ex has made it clear it's none of their business if the other has a partner- he's set that standard so if they both abide by it and just communicate when needing to about the child.

He's made it clear he thinks knowing new partner's isn't important, the exes mother clarified that he's nothing it's any of her business so why should the OP need to tell him about partner's if/when she dates? If he gets humpy that she hasn't well he's set that standard, he may not care at all. Until it gets to marrying/moving in point in which the child is directly involved, how will it harm the child not to mention dates to each other?

Being the better person doesn't mean she has to tell him about her partners, she just has to listen to his wishes- to not be involved in each others personal dating side- and go with it for her and him. I think it's discourteous yes, the ex obviously doesn't care so OP should just go with it. If he moans at her not telling him about dates well it's hypocritical and they can come to a new understanding but if OP is just dating then there's no need to involve him, just as he wishes.

Goldmandra · 24/01/2015 18:31

But again how will it affect a two year old child?

He won't be two forever. The OP need to work with her ex for another 16 years or so and it will be a lot easier if someone is making the effort to take an adult approach and keeping things constructive.

The fact the you can justify being deliberately difficult doesn't always mean it is the best thing to do.

Viviennemary · 24/01/2015 18:39

It would have been better if he had told you but I'm not sure if you have the absolute right to know. It was insensitive of him to come with his parent and new girlfriend. I think it would be better if he didn't turn up with a posse of Mum and girlfriend to your house. That would annoy me too. And agree his Mum is a nasty piece of work. I don't think I'd be allowing him to come to my house for the 'hand over' in future unless he came by himself.

laughingmyarseoff · 24/01/2015 18:42

How is it being difficult to go with what the ex wants? To say 'okay we won't disclose'. It's more difficult to say 'okay I know you don't want us disclosing our personal lives but I'm dating X, or Y or Z'. If he doesn't care to know that will just irritate him, making things more difficult rather then constructive. And if he does care well then OP can calmly say 'But you were happy not communicating to me, if you do want us to do that then lets both do that.'

I'm not justifying tit for tat, I'm justifying the OP doing as the ex wants and if he has an issue with that later on then they can communicate it.

My dcousin hates is when his ex mentions men he's dating, so she doesn't and he doesn't. My friend wants to be all in the know and her ex respects that. That's the adult thing to do, to do what you've been asked to until such time that you are not. It's a shame the ex and OP aren't on the same page but he's made that choice and made it clear, for the OP to start doing the opposite would be very difficult of her.

flora717 · 24/01/2015 18:42

YANBU it is polite for parents to discuss a change in family dynamics for a child.
But then a lot of exes (including mine) can't get past their own bubble to consider how best (and discuss that) to ease a child into a new situation.
It isn't your business re his life but having a 'heads up' means you know how to field questions.
The mother is clearly trying to be a smug bitch. Perhaps just relieved the whole of womankind haven't given up on her darling son. Yet

tshirtsuntan · 24/01/2015 18:53

Wow, how many women have been absolutely annihilated on here/elsewhere for introducing new partners to their children too soon and subsequently splitting up for the cycle to begin again. OP hasn't said if she is aware how long this relationship has been or how serious but I for one feel she is absolutely not being unreasonable to expect an adult conversation with the co-parent of her child about this.

Goldmandra · 24/01/2015 18:53

How is it being difficult to go with what the ex wants?

Well, clearly, if the ex says he would prefer not to know if the OP is dating it would be better not to ram it down his throat but that's a pretty big assumption to make

I think it's usually better to try to behave with consideration and courtesy and hope that the ex decides to follow that lead.

I'm sure the OP knows how important it is to work with her ex to build a cooperative relationship for the benefit of her child and will be avoiding tit for tat no matter how tempting that may be.

I'm sure you would do so too

laughingmyarseoff · 24/01/2015 18:58

Well I agree that nanyone wants the best for their child but I think we disagree on assumptions, if my ex was to say to me that he didn't want to disclose his personal life to me then I'd believe that that works both ways. If he then decided he wanted me to disclose but he didn't want to I'd be extremely pissed off and see it as controlling.

I think there's a reason this man is an ex and OP is going to have a struggle with a MIL like that!

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