To expect DH not to be sick after work night out...again

[FeelingDespondent]

Feeling very despondent.

I've been married for four months. My DH is generally a responsible and decent man. For some reason however he feels unable to take a moderate approach to drinking if it's a proper 'night out'.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable by getting increasingly shorty about it. In December he did twice - once was an Xmas do, do fair enough. But it's January and it's been twice this month too.

Sick twice out of four of those times; the other two just staggering about.

I'm 37, he's 36 next month. Would just like to know if this is salvageable and what can I do to get him to be more responsible.

He is genuinely a lovely person. But I'm not really down with the binge drinking.

Should add he's a manager and this was a work night out. I know they think he's great but frankly I'd lose respect for my boss if I saw him staggering about.

I have experienced similar in two situations but they were not so extreme ie no vomiting. The first I broke up with because in addition to alcohol he did drugs and I couldn't handle either.

The second was dh. His mother is an alcoholic and while we were dating dh drank a lot. I decided I didn't want this for myself and told him before we got married. He stopped drinking a lot and now we both don't drink at all, it's been 15 years we have been married. I knew both times 100% and I never lived with them before marriage. I just can't fathom how you didn't know this unless you looked the other way, which is understandable!

To be honest I'd give one ultimatum and then leave even if it happens one more time. If it bothers you now just wait. You won't be the first and you won't be the last. I wouldn't act all pissy I'd lay it on the line and if it happened again I'd leave.

Dark he doesn't 'drink a lot'. He hardly drinks at all in fact.

Just drinks too much on these Friday night outings which over the festive season and this Jan = four times in total.

I think people have misunderstood the main issue in my post. He is not a habitual drinker. He over indulged over the festive season and then again this Jan.

I have repeatedly said I never even noticed an issue these last few years.

I just wanted advice on how to ask my DH to calm it down when out with his mates such that he doesn't end up being sick (has happened TWICE over festive season) or getting wobbly. I just felt it was a bit teenagerish.

I honestly feel I could identify a true drink problem if there was one and am starting to feel condescended by these posters not reading the thread and telling me he has one.

As Random just said, his approach to nights out is just a bit immature.

I go crazy when faced with cheesecake and some other puddings; I just can't stop when faced with a cheesecake and help myself to more than one slice.

The rest of the time I'm relatively 'normal' around food and it doesn't mean I have to attend Overeaters Anonymous.

DH is always sick the morning after a big night out
only happens about 4 times a year, so I can live with that.

this will sound soft, but i think some drinkers are just pukers. on the last vomiting occasion he went out at about 6.30 (having eaten), came home by 11.30 and had a cup of tea and a reasonably sensible conversation with me before we went to bed. he was still up at 6.30 puking.

OP, first of all, you must stop trying to convince yourself that this is OK. It isn't. Getting so shit faced on a regular basis is not acceptable behaviour in a man of his age.

I went through something similar with my DH, he did this (not the puking though!) when he went out with certain friends maybe once or twice a year. It was very stressful as sometimes he would go out with these friends and be fine, other times he would be in a state.

In the end I just couldn't stand it and I was getting really anxious every time he went out in case it happened. I said I would leave him if it carried on, even though it would break my heart.

He stopped doing it. He goes out with these friends now and then and just has a couple of drinks.

Talk to him. Tell him how it makes you feel, how much it upsets and disgusts you. If he doesn't stop doing it after that, then you make your decision. But I would say that if he doesn't stop after that, he has a drink problem and needs to get help.

Thank you Gertrude the voice of reason. Sometimes MN (much as I love it) makes you doubt your own sanity!

Phoebe you were cross with him doing it once or twice a year?

To quote a poster above, you do sound like hard work!

Despondent, don't think am. Why should I deal with someone getting so pissed they can't walk, get really shirty and have to be helped to bed etc? Yuk.

I have no problem with DH getting a bit pissed, I like a drink or three myself. But getting drunk to that extent? No way!

Also, Despondent, I was worried that it would get worse and that once or twice a year would lead to once a month etc etc.These things can escalate.

Fair enough phoebe. And thank you for not getting cross; I didn't like being told I was hard work

To be fair though DH doesn't get shirty when pissed. He climbs into bed and is a happy drunk / tells me he loves me etc and never needs help changing out of his clothes.

But good on you for getting DH to stop entirely!

You seem to have reached a place where you're comfortable OP, so fair play to you, and I do agree that it's not entirely helpful to have people baying at you to LTB (though I'd say this thread hasn't been an outstanding example of that). The problem is that you ask for comments/advice, and so you tend to get a self-selecting audience, and in relation to drinking, that might include a larger than usual number of people who are or were married to or brought up by alcoholics. Speaking as one, it's hell, you wouldn't want to go through it, and you wouldn't want to put your children through it.

Hence the warnings; my tale is that I met and married XH when we were both in our teens/just out of our teens and we were both heavy drinkers, as were all of our friends. We didn't drink every day, didn't drink wine at home (working class didn't tend to, at that time) but we didn't half cane it when we went out at the weekend. As we reached our early 30s, I noticed that, whilst I and everyone else I knew were calming it down a bit (which again was the pattern I was used to), XH wasn't.

Now, I don't know you, and I don't know your DH. It probably won't end up with you being dragged round the house by your hair whilst your terrified DD rings for the police to take her beloved DDad away. But people tell you their histories so you can see for yourself if there's a pattern, and avoid it if you can. I'm not telling you there's a problem with your DH. I'm telling you there was a problem that I didn't spot with mine. Up to you what you do with that information, but bit of a poor show to berate anyone who's genuinely trying to help.

Despondent, I reckon you need to have a good think about how you really feel about all this and what you're willing to put up with. Everyone is different.

But reading this thread, you started off feeling very upset (understandably) and now you are almost defending your DH.

I will say I was previously married to someone with a drink problem which is why I am a bit sensitive about it and probably am hard work when it comes to my DH getting really drunk!

But I used to do what you're doing now when I was married to an alcoholic. There would be an "incident" - I'd be very upset and even consider leaving, then talk myself out of it and convince myself it wasn't that bad. That everyone did this sort of thing.

I am not saying your DH has a drink problem. But be very careful. Try and find some quiet time and really think things through for yourself.

Phoebe I understand. I think the issue is that I never 'considered leaving' at all. It's just not that bad.

I was so frustrated because I thought the being sick part (twice) was very childish. It's never been near LTB levels for me which is why I got frustrated with posters saying LTB!

But totally take your point and view.

Yes I don't think you're at LTB stage! But I do think you need to try and sort out why he is doing this, whether he's just being an immature git or whether there is something more serious going on here.

Good luck Despondent.

Thanks Tartina - a considered post and I get where you're coming from.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to berate anyone, but sometimes (never happened to me before but you can see it happen a lot to other posters) you can feel a bit overwhelmed by MN responses if you feel like you're not quite being understood. It can feel a bit LTBish although as you say, this is not an extreme example.

But I appreciate your comments and the thing about selection bias in people who respond = very true!

And thanks for telling your story too.

Thanks Phoebe

And agreed - that is the stage I'm at right now. He's been very very contrite since and said it was childish but I'll just have to wait and see if there's been a change. I'll come back and update!

Can he explain what goes on in his head? If he is really, genuinely contrite you would think he would be capable of reining it in next time he goes out, but that doesn't seem to be happening. So how does he explain the fact that despite being sorry he goes out and does it again?

OP

I get it - you are fine with him going out and having a drink, you are not fine with him getting blotto.

So, if he goes straight out from work on a Friday you need to remind him to eat! Not crisps and nuts at the pub. A proper meal.

You need to remind him not to mix his drinks. Tell him to have water throughout the night too. I'm sure he knows some beers are way stronger than others?

Also, pre book the taxi home. This means he won't be talked into "just one more". You could also plan an activity for Saturday. Then remind him of the plans for Saturday via text at Friday lunch time.

I totally get why it upsets you.

I'm not drinking at all at the moment because I'm pregnant and I don't miss it.

Some time prior to getting pregnant I had begun to wonder if my relationship with alcohol was entirely healthy. Could never have just the one, more like four. It might have only been once a week/fortnight but it was the lack of self control involved which I saw as the problem. So I addressed it.

It sounds that (vomiting aside) you see the same problem with DH, the lack of self control.

I hope he has taken on board what you've said to him.

Icimoi I've never properly bollocked him before. So that's why I'll be waiting with interest now to see if he has taken it on board.

Ali yes hopefully he'll 'reflect' and follow the path you took.

Raffle good tips - thank you!

icimoi just realised your username means 'here I am' but I read it as 'ickymoy'!

Did you show him the drink aware website. It is full of really good information, tests, drink diary etc... Harm reduction is what is required rather than ultimatums! I am no expert but that what I was told on a course about alcohol.

Thanks cherries - I will do!

Do you think he will take this on board longer term?.

Ensure OP that if he does this again (which he likely will) there are firm consequences from you for his actions and choices. You certainly must no longer clear up after him.

As for reminding him to eat a meal prior to alcohol and/or prebook a taxi for him you are not his mother!. He is a grown man and such enabling will not help him.