To expect DH not to be sick after work night out...again

[FeelingDespondent]

Feeling very despondent.

I've been married for four months. My DH is generally a responsible and decent man. For some reason however he feels unable to take a moderate approach to drinking if it's a proper 'night out'.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable by getting increasingly shorty about it. In December he did twice - once was an Xmas do, do fair enough. But it's January and it's been twice this month too.

Sick twice out of four of those times; the other two just staggering about.

I'm 37, he's 36 next month. Would just like to know if this is salvageable and what can I do to get him to be more responsible.

He is genuinely a lovely person. But I'm not really down with the binge drinking.

Should add he's a manager and this was a work night out. I know they think he's great but frankly I'd lose respect for my boss if I saw him staggering about.

Yeah, it really is as bad as it sounds. Imagine cleaning this up when you're bloody bursting on a pee due to pregnancy, or your food is already in your throat due to morning sickness.

Drinking so much you puke and then are comatose and in bed at 5PM two times in a month and 'staggering around' another two times is a big problem when you're 36, married and TTC.

You cleaned up his puke???????

Dear God, there isn't even any need to comment on the breakfast after that little gem.

See, I hope Purple that when push comes to shove this is what he'd be like too. Problem is, the proof is in the pudding. (Sorry - tiredness has left me only capable of writing in cliches, clearly!).

This behaviour is not going to stop because you don't want to think what might happen if you make it stop.

Re puke cleaning - it wasn't like the 28 year old's in the other DP/DH puking after night out thread. (Can't believe there's two of these threads today!)

He mainly made it to the toilet. So I was really just cleaning the toilet. But still...

Let's give him a medal for making it to the toilet!

Be honest with yourself: how long have you been excusing this behaviour in order to get married and have a baby (I understand that sentiment)?

Just because it 'isn't as bad' as someone else (who is also putting up with a drunk) doesn't mean it's acceptable.

Go out! Read this thread again. Think about it carefully. Don't be there and don't even try to talk to him about it today.

I would also suggest talking to him about it in a cafe or something as you're more likely to keep calm. You need to talk in a calm quiet way about this situation and the impact of this behaviour.

I agree with Ernest.

True. When he's been conscious he's been very very contrite. So that's a start.

As I say, I can't know how much he means it until this kind of episode hasn't occurred again.

I think I will go out now. It's bloody cold but I'm going to go out and take a good book and have a hot chocolate in a cafe. And yes - reread the thread!

Good. Time to draw that line in the sand

op have just read the thread and as much as I feel sorry for you! I also want to shake you!

If you want this behaviour to stop, you have to stop enabling it. No making him breakfast, no cups of tea, no clearing up his sick. Next time it happens, go out, leave his sick wherever it ended up, and don't be there when he wakes up, stay with a friend, go shopping, anything, just don't be there waiting for him to wake up like Florence Nightingale...

And please don't keep ttc until he's proved to you that he's grown up a bit. Tbh the fact that he's doing this at the age of 35/36 would really worry me

how disgusting. At any age, but even more revolting in an alleged adult. Swilling until he vomits? Oh, such a fun guy to be around...

you clean up vomit from children, not adults that guzzle alcohol. NOBODY I know who drinks alcohol gets in this state.

please get back on the contraception. He CAN stop this behaviour if he wants to. If he doesn't want to, then you need a serious think because you'll be a single parent in all but name.

The 3cs re alcoholism OP:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

You likely dated him as well in the almost certain to yourself knowledge that he has a drink problem and you probably still hope (in your case this is a triumph of hope over experience) that he will change.

His behaviour is not at all normal for people who drink. He does not have a healthy relationship with alcohol and alcohol is truly a cruel mistress. He is psychologically and physically dependent on it.

This is what life is really like with someone who has an alcohol problem. It is a problem because his excessive drinking is affecting your life at home and you're basically now waiting for the next crisis to happen. Which it will. You do not forget and you cannot forget either. You are also playing out the dual roles here too of co-dependent (there are often elements of co-dependent behaviour in such dysfunctional relationships) and enabler.

Promises to change are short lived and not acted upon. He likely does not think that he has any type of drink problem; denial is commonly seen in alcoholics.

He will not change; this is what he is like and it is hard enough to change even one aspect of your own behaviour. Asking, expecting or hoping that someone like your H will change his behaviour re alcohol is an exercise is futility and frustration.

What is your definition of an alcoholic btw?. They do not all sit on park benches and they do not drink alcohol for breakfast. His binge drinking is a real problem and his responsibility.

You need to stop ttc now, no more breakfasts for him after he has drunk too much and also stop with the clearing up of his sick. That was enabling behaviour on your part and enabling helps no-one least of all him. Enabling him as you have done only gives you a false sense of control and enables him to avoid any consequences of his actions.

I would be talking to Al-anon because they are very helpful to family members of problem drinkers.

OP - let me give you my point of view.

My DH is a little bit younger than me and when we met, I already had a toddler and (accidentally) got pregnant straightaway. He was happy about the pregnancy, but he did not give up his 'party' lifestyle, even after the baby was born. It nearly broke us so many times... It was really, really, fucking hard. I resented him so much.

Touch wood, he has calmed right down, but I had to build my confidence up enough to threaten to leave him - and mean it.

Oh and I have never cooked him up some brunch while he's been in a state! I know you said you needed to eat, but you could have just made half the portion

Didnt you know him before you married him? Why is this suddenly a problem now you are married?

If he left the bathroom in such a state that it had to be cleaned and he wasn't in any fit state to do it, I'd have packed a bag and gone to a hotel, leaving a note saying I expected the house to be spotless when I got back at [time].

As Ernest said, he's not feeling any consequences of his actions.

He's a selfish cock. Do NOT have a child with this man - he will not change and you will be taking care of both of them.

surly, these things are not a problem when you're not living with someone. My ex was like this, I didn't really think that much of it until we lived together and I realised it was an "ever time I drink" kind of scenario.
We had two children - yes I thought he would change - cos he said he would! It took me literally years to realise that actions speak louder than words.
For a long time contrition was the order for the day after drinking. It was only when he stopped talking about stopping drinking and actually did it that there was any real change!

Poor woman, that's half your weekend ruined isn't it? And tomorrow you'll neither of you be very chirpy I imagine. Then presumably back to work on Monday, and everyone else talking about their good weekends.
I just wanted to add that I'm sorry you're trying to cope with this.
Have a long think while you're out, and decide how you want your future to be.

these things are not a problem when you're not living with someone.

Surely OP was living with him before she made the huge commitment of marrying him? If not then that's nuts! If you're planning on legally tying yourself to someone for life it is very stupid not to find out what they are actually like beforehand.

surly, it's easy to be wise after the event! If we were all so sensible, none of us would get into any situations!!!

You dont think its common sense to get to know someone before marrying them? Huh! Maybe they should teach this in school.

I suppose all I am saying is that all of us have emotional blind spots and we're not always as logical as we should be.

Yeah but living with someone before marriage is surely a pretty obvious one, isnt it? I'm not clear whether OP did or didnt live with him before marriage though.

Once a year on a Christmas night out or similar is just about acceptable. But this amount of frequency is just simply not on. And in any case it's hardly doing his health any good.

Hi all

Typing in cafe with poor reception so hopefully this will work.

Yes, we did live together for two years before getting married. As mentioned he was in his early 30s then, it didn't seem so noticeable. I think it's just because it's been four 'benders' in two months (and while we're TTC and heading towards 40) that's it's starting to get on my proverbials.

Attila thanks for the helpful post and I know it was meant sincerely, but I just don't recognise alcoholic traits in him. He frequently turns down offers of a mid-week glass of red on account of it being a school night. And at weekends too, in fact.

The problem seems to lie in these mandatory 'benders' of big nights with footy mates or work colleagues.

We live in a large industrial northern town and DH is from a very working class background where Friday nights were the traditional night to get glammed up and let your hair down with the week's wages down 'the working men's' or (nowadays) into town. (His family have a photo of him aged five holding a pint 'for a laugh').

(NB. Please spare the class analysis - I am as leftie as they come and have actually read Marx and Engels!)

I am also fully aware of equal numbers of middle class lushes with their Chateau Neuf du Pape habits - I'm just trying to describe the whole 'Friday night' phenomenon. (If anyone else understands, please say.)

Again, not excusing him. Just trying to explain why I don't think he's an alcoholic in the 'needs to see AA' way but he has grown up in a 'Wahey it's Friday let's go nuts' culture that someone above aptly described as binge drinking.

And he needs to get a grip and see it's gone too far, yes.