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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH not to be sick after work night out...again

152 replies

FeelingDespondent · 24/01/2015 09:39

Feeling very despondent.

I've been married for four months. My DH is generally a responsible and decent man. For some reason however he feels unable to take a moderate approach to drinking if it's a proper 'night out'.

I'd like to know if I'm being unreasonable by getting increasingly shorty about it. In December he did twice - once was an Xmas do, do fair enough. But it's January and it's been twice this month too.

Sick twice out of four of those times; the other two just staggering about.

I'm 37, he's 36 next month. Would just like to know if this is salvageable and what can I do to get him to be more responsible.

He is genuinely a lovely person. But I'm not really down with the binge drinking.

Should add he's a manager and this was a work night out. I know they think he's great but frankly I'd lose respect for my boss if I saw him staggering about.

OP posts:
MarchEliza · 24/01/2015 10:12

If be interested to know if he did this regularly before you got married? I'm sure he doesn't have a drink problem as such, but I can appreciate why this bothers you.
Whether he has a 'problem' or not, he's drinking without thought of the consequences and that is rather selfish. It might be time for a serious talk with him but I don't think your marriage is in trouble. I think it's a niggle that needs addressing rather than a deal-breaker at this stage iyswim

clam · 24/01/2015 10:13

"This really is normal for most people who drink."

WTF? Hmm I drink regularly (apart from this month - January diet!) and have had some binges over the years (not in the last 20 years, admittedly) and I can hand-on-heart say that I have NEVER been sick. Ever.

So, either your dh is a lightweight, or he's drinking a dangerous (for him) amount. Or, he's not just indulging in alcohol? Whichever it is, I would also say he's almost certainly making a complete twat of himself in front of his work colleagues, which is never a good look.

MarchEliza · 24/01/2015 10:14

Sorry, I see you've already answered my question about whether he did it before you were married

Original poster
FeelingDespondent · 24/01/2015 10:19

Smile Thanks Clam I just laughed (if a little bitterly) at making a complete twar of himself in front of work colleagues. My thoughts precisely.

March that gives me hope. Yes, he's not the sort of person where I have to worry about how many glasses he has at a dinner party, and he's a very moderate drinker at home. It's just these 'nights out'. Wish I could figure out how to get him to act more responsibly. Because he always acts contrite but - so far - nothing has changed.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingDespondent · 24/01/2015 10:22

Sorry - twat, not twar! Though probably one of those too.

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expatinscotland · 24/01/2015 10:24

What a saddo, still getting sick like a teen and he's 36.

hestialou · 24/01/2015 10:26

Not acceptable imo, and also if you are ttc he should be laying off the booze, caffeine etc and creating healthy sperm, have a serious talk when he's over the hangover, sending you hugs xx

IdStillRatherBeKnitting · 24/01/2015 10:27

Some don't grow up magically when you have kids.

They absolutely promise that they will, but some don't. Mine didn't. And having to tiptoe around a bear with a sore head while trying to keep little ones quiet is not a fun life.

Not the main reason he's an ex...just another nail.

Hoppinggreen · 24/01/2015 10:50

My DH used to be a bit like this but more n hs 20's than 30's to be honesthe didn't go it often but when he did he got very drunk and I remember finding him in the road at 2am in a big city once - he could have been run over or anything. He also didn't see the point in going out if he couldn't drink and could never just have 1 or 2. Hs father was an alcoholic and he couldn't see the link, DH didn't have to drink but when he did it was to excess,
When we decided to ttc I told him that I wouldn't unless hs drinking stopped.
He dd cut down a lot and also changed jobs which helped as it was hs colleagues who he was out drinking with.
He goes out every few months now and I haven't seen him in a state for years so it is possible to change

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 24/01/2015 10:56

I do this maybe once a year, and feel so dreadful the next day that I deliberately don't get into that state again, well at least not for another year... Blush

Twice a month, for the past two months is heading into 'problem with drink' territory. Hold off on the TTC for now. Time for a serious talk.

Original poster
FeelingDespondent · 24/01/2015 11:04

Thanks all. I've just taken my frustration out on the washing up. At least I now have a very tidy kitchen.

Hopping again, that gives me hope. I'm going to go upstairs and talk to him. One of the times it happened recently my parents were staying and I said can you just this once not get too drunk. What do you think happened? Drink (though not to vomiting level) and my dad opened the door. When I got him upstairs I got him to do the walk in a straight line test. (He couldn't.) what makes me really sad about that is that my parents were staying so obviously if he could've just made the effort that one time.

God, I'm depressing myself now.

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Original poster
FeelingDespondent · 24/01/2015 11:05

Drunk, sorry, not drink. Sausage fingers.

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Hatespiders · 24/01/2015 11:17

I don't judge your dh personally, but can categorically say I could never put up with a man being drunk, staggering about and being sick in my company.
It's bad for health, degrading and erodes respect. It's immature, antisocial and irresponsible. I'd feel very lonely coping with that. He's not 'with you' he's in a world of his own.

It's awful for me to see how this has become the norm for much of the country nowadays. I'm elderly, and forty years ago such drunkenness wasn't going on all over the place in every city and town to the point of vomiting, collapsing and causing mayhem every night of the week. No doubt these days it's accepted as the trend and perfectly ok, but I can't bear it.

I expect lots of posters will now have a go and say I'm unreasonable. But I stand fast. (Puts on stern old lady's expression, arms akimbo and waits for the flak Grin)

Annarose2014 · 24/01/2015 11:27

Tbh, rather than pleading and being nice you would be well within your rights to have an almighty row about it.

I'm one who thinks that when you don't have kids, then a mad night every few months (even in your thirties) is no particular harm. But every two weeks?! Thats just juvenile.

And I wouldn't be trying for a baby with someone who goes out with work and gets absolutely destroyed that frequently. Cos those work dos are always gonna happen.

Put it this way, as distressing as these incidences are they're gonna be a hell of a lot worse when you're 32 weeks pregnant, and still having to do your work to the sound of him retching.

Stealthpolarbear · 24/01/2015 11:32

No not normal. I drink regularly. SINCE being a student have vomited through alcohol once, I think in 2003 or thereabouts

Bogeyface · 24/01/2015 11:33

I am on Team Shout The House down too!

Talking about it hasnt changed anything, so a bloody great row about it will make your feelings clear in no uncertain terms.

Dont say things like "I dont like it when you get drunk because....." say things like "I will not put up with this anymore. If you cant have a drink without getting completely rat arsed then you either need to stop drinking or get the fuck out!"

Dont go mad, GET mad!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/01/2015 11:37

Talking to him about anything of import is pointless while he's hung-over. I'd leave it until he's recovered. Meanwhile get the vacuum-cleaner out and do whichever room he's cowering in. For as long as possible.

My mother put up with his sort of binge-drinking for over twenty years. It never, ever got better no matter how much she voiced her disapproval. It must have been absolute hell for her as she was practically teetotal.

it's completely unreasonable for him to ruin half of your weekend like this. He's in his thirties, not his ruddy teens. In your position I'd be very concerned about his apparent lack of self-control. Having a good time doesn't have to mean getting so pissed he's staggering about or throwing up. It's bloody pathetic, really. I suspect his work-colleagues view him with scorn and derision rather than approval. This sort of behaviour can be very damaging to a career.

Original poster
FeelingDespondent · 24/01/2015 11:38

Hatespiders I couldn't agree more, and definitely don't think you're being unreasonable. I live in a very large city (not London) but you should see town on a Saturday night. I only pass through it if I've been to the cinema or something. It's like the seventh circle of hell.

He is awake and has apologised but I just told him it feels like Groundhog Day. I am genuinely a bit scared it's not going to change.

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Original poster
FeelingDespondent · 24/01/2015 11:41

Thanks all. Smile at the vacuuming in the 'cowering room'.

Bitterandtwisted I may have to read out your post to him.

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soundsystem · 24/01/2015 11:43

Hmm, as you are ttc is it possible he wants to get it out of his system now, as he knows he won't be able to do it with a baby? Before we decided to start a family, DH and I had many extremely drunken nights out (together and separately) where the next day was a complete write off. No big deal. Now we have a little one of course we don't do this, priorities change.

LaLa5 · 24/01/2015 11:43

Oh god this is my dh too, I sympathise!

Mine used to find it hard to moderate his drinking on a night out. I didn't used to care too much but it became an issue when we were ttc as obviously he needs to be healthy and also be able to dtd. He wasn't being sick but would come home wasted and then be useless next day. I hated it.

So I sat him down for a chat, explained how I felt without nagging and explained how his drinking could potentially cause us problems both ttc and in our relationship.

We came to an agreement that one day a week (thurs) he could go out and enjoy himself and I wouldn't get mad, BUT that he had to limit what he was drinking. No shots. No drinking double measures of spirit (he's a bar manager so this is the norm in the industry).

Since then he's kept his promise - he comes home a little drunk on a thurs but nothing like what it used to be and it know to expect it. He no longer disappears on benders, he always comes home and he's not too hungover anymore.

Because I know it's going to happen on a thurs I give him a break and don't nag.

It's worth sitting him down for a chat to see if you could come to a compromise like we did.

I'd like to point out that before ttc I was no angel! I used to regularly go out drinking and I can be just as much of a nightmare when drunk, which he hates. I cut back completely when we started ttc so felt it was acceptable to expect him to do the same.

Alibalibumblebee · 24/01/2015 11:46

Being sick after a night out because of the amount you drank Is absolutely disgusting behaviour.

MaidOfStars · 24/01/2015 12:04

I'm a vomiter. It rarely has anything to with the amount of alcohol in the purest sense and everything to do with how such alcohol is delivered. For example, one glass of shit white wine or a warm G&T can make me puke. I have an over active gag reflex generally. I therefore try to reduce my chances of puking by eating lightly, not mixing drinks, not drinking various coloured shots etc. And only drinking Chablis Smile

I probably get sick from drinking a couple of times a year. My husband is similar. I really don't see it as a problem, and I certainly don't lose respect/think it's disgusting/etc. I imagine if I never got sick, I'd feel differently though.

Notnowmarjorie · 24/01/2015 12:06

I used to be like this Blush

I would go out 2-3 times a month, get legless and then throw up (multiple times). I don't know what DH thought about this, he never told me. When I was in my late twenties I got fed up with the sickness and hangovers and stopped drinking totally for 3 years. I do drink now, sometimes to excess but much less regularly and not so I'm sick.
Until new year, I got so drunk I was very unwell; my hangover lasted two days and I haven't had a drink since. I don't know why I got so drunk, it definitely wasn't what I set out to do. DH laughed at me and made me breakfast...

I suppose you need to decide if it's something you want to live with but if you feel this strongly now, if you have children and it doesn't stop, it's going to get a whole lot worse,

Notnowmarjorie · 24/01/2015 12:11

Posted too soon. If you haven't already, it's probably worth having a conversation when he's not hungover and state how you feel and see what his reaction is. I would definitely suggest getting this sorted one way or another before children come along. Good luck!