Warning: SIDS Related. To hate the phrase 'Everything happens for a reason'

[YouBetterWerk]

At work yesterday and the team just before we came on shift had just been called to a cot death. The mood in the team was understandably pretty somber.
A colleague, very light and breezy, pipes up with 'Well, everything happens for a reason'
Really?
AIBU to find this a pretty insensitive and thoughtless thing to say? No one else seemed fussed.
I completely understand it helps some people when things don't go their way - not getting a job or their house falling through, in a kind of 'wasn't meant to be' sort of way, but AIBU to have been at this being said about something so tragic? Like somehow it's for the best? And WABU to say 'Sometimes they don't. Sometimes life is just awful'

Stupid and ridiculous phrase.

People are probably trying to be positive, but they don't understand how insensitive it is.

Yanbu at all. I hate that phrase.

Agreed. Also I kind of think he negates any need to ever bother with anything. Because, you know, it'll happen if it's meant to be. I've worked really hard to get where I am in my career and this attitude just takes away that hard work.

YANBU

I also hate ' things will turn out ok in the end, if it's not ok it's not the end' someone said that to me after my brother died unexpectedly in his sleep when he was in his thirties - didnt bloody turn ok for him did it?!

I know people use these trite sayings to help but there is a time and a place

IAmNot No empty musings, just

God no, YANBU, what a horrible thing to say.

What a stupid thing to say. It sounds like a 'I lack empathy and want everyone to stop being gloomy so I'll say something trite to move things on' line from him.

YANBU that is a horrible thing to say, especially in this situation. What is it you do? Was this colleague someone who should have a bit of empathy for their job?

YANBU at all. I used to work in hospital labs and was well aware of the "gallows humour" that prevailed in hospitals; but that comment is well beyond the reaches of even that.

Very insensitive indeed. Hope they get given a broad hint that comments like that can be very upsetting and don't do it again.

sometimes people just want to believe there is a reason for terrible things happening . It helps them deal with it .

Bit like the whole karma nonsense so beloved on mumsnet.

I'm not quite 5ft, I'm not very strong, I'm not naturally a violent or aggressive person...however, reading that I could see myself just flooring her...then saying 'you're so right, everything happens for a reason'.

Perhaps the team members thought that saying nothing was preferable to losing their jobs.

It's an ok phrase for houses, jobs, even relationships, but death...FFS?!

Possum after I said my piece he looked decidedly uncomfortable and then bluffed something along the lines of 'Yes, life is shit'. I don't think he'll be saying something like that again. Hopefully.
Agree that it helps people deal with things, it makes it seem there is something better round the corner. But seriously. I doubt the parents can even think two steps ahead, let alone around the corner.

Inappropriate, both the phrase and the manner.
A baby has died. No platitude can address that. They'd have done better to keep quiet.

it wasn't an appropriate thing to say but I suspect it was said to try ease the tension in the room. some people are very awkward around death.

Well everything does happen for a reason but that doesn't mean it's a good thing to have happened or that it was a good reason. It's the most pointless platitude. The same when people say 'it was just their time'. Well so what - that still doesn't diminish the grief or anger you feel that their time was too soon.

My relative died at 40. The reason was she had cancer. So that's alright then.

People don't think before they speak because if they did they wouldn't say things like that. And if they do then they lack empathy.

What an idiot. It's an empty, meaningless platitude that's supposed to suggest that life will get bettet as a direct result of hardship. Can't see that happening after the death of a baby.

Yes, of course she shouldn't have said that - but I can quite see how in the shock of the moment and wanting to say something / break the silence the words came out. My father was notorious for coming up with this sort of grossly insensitive platitude

YANBU. It is an insensitive thing to say, but I don't believe any malice or upset was intended by the person who made the comment. I think people say it for comfort.
It's so heartbreaking and terrifying (SIDS). It's more than enough to put anyone in a mental institution. It's every parents biggest fear.
I can't even begin to imagine what this little angel's parents and family are going through or how much their hearts are aching. It just doesn't bare thinking about.
How are you OP. It must break your heart seeing anything like that.I know in your profession you undoubtedly come across death everyday so do I dare say you probably get used to it after a while but you'd never in s million years get used to any thing like that.
Love and thoughts. X

Some people just don't know what to say and think they need to say something. Anything. Which is why stupid things come out.

As an aside I feel uncomfortable at something as serious as this which happened at your work being discussed on social media.

It's the sort of thing that people should believe if they want to, but keep to themselves.

My DH died recently, and personally I find comfort in the thought that everything happens for a reason. Things can be awful and tragic and painful to deal with, but having faith that this terrible thing you are experiencing isn't for nothing, it isn't just because you deserve to be hurt, can be very helpful.

But it's something that people who are grieving don't need to hear from other people unless that have invited that type of conversation.

The amount of times people said that to me when my 4 month old son died That very phrase is enough to make me want to lose my temper! What possible reason is there for a baby to die?!! Everything happens for a reason is not a phrase you use when a child had died! Yanbu

So sorry Nemo

Thank you.