Warning: SIDS Related. To hate the phrase 'Everything happens for a reason'

[YouBetterWerk]

At work yesterday and the team just before we came on shift had just been called to a cot death. The mood in the team was understandably pretty somber.
A colleague, very light and breezy, pipes up with 'Well, everything happens for a reason'
Really?
AIBU to find this a pretty insensitive and thoughtless thing to say? No one else seemed fussed.
I completely understand it helps some people when things don't go their way - not getting a job or their house falling through, in a kind of 'wasn't meant to be' sort of way, but AIBU to have been at this being said about something so tragic? Like somehow it's for the best? And WABU to say 'Sometimes they don't. Sometimes life is just awful'

I think it's true in the medical sense (and hopefully one day we will have a better understanding of what that reason is for SIDS and be able to do something about it), but what an odd thing to say as a positive in a really sad situation.

People said this to my parents when my 13 year old brother died. 30 years on, they still have no idea what that reason is. One person said it to me when my boyfriend died suddenly and I kind of lost it and did some screaming and sobbing, I don't think he'll be saying it to a bereaved person any time soon!

I hate it. There is no reason to lose someone. But I bet the people who say it have never lost someone who means the world to them.

YANBU.

Ridiculous and insensitive thing to say.

There isnt always a reason for why things happen. Those times are the hardest for us. Losing a child to cot death has to be one of the most horrific things that could happen to anyone...the loss of a child and the absolute senselessness of it and with no real reason, no real idea why it happened.

I think people who say things like 'everything happens for a reason' in cases like that are completely moronic idiots.

YANBU. The guy said something really inappropriate and you dealt with it well. Life can be so unutterably shit sometimes and it's really difficult to say something well-chosen though, so unless he's regularly an arse I wouldn't hold it against him.

Memo. I'm so sorry for your heartbreaking loss. X

Nemo not memo sorry

Thank you Fish. and others for kind words. I just wanted to sound it out as I honestly wasn't sure if I was BU, because no one else seemed bothered. He is normally a very kind, warm guy so I think PP's are right in that his intention, at least, was good.

And for Nemo

Yanbu, but I agree with fishonabicycle.

Even people who've had personal experience of losses aren't always sure what to say and a lot of people just have no way to process tragic situations and end up muttering platitudes that they hope will fill a silence because they don't know how else to verbalise their own emotions.

Truthfully it's such a minefield because what one person may find comforting another interprets completely differently and it becomes nerve wracking approaching people when you really want to acknowledge them but overanalyse every possible sentence.

There are no words that can take away grief or emotions so I think it's best to appreciate the sentiment if not the actual words themselves.

I hate that twee phrase, it's utterly meaningless and empty.
everything happens for a reason? Every single thing? Like a fly landing on my hand, dropping a fork on the floor, all other trivial daily occurrences included in this 'everything'? And what is the reason, exactly? Does it apply to all mammals, or just humans? Is it about 'fate', or whatever God they choose to believe in?

'One day you'll feel a bit less raw and able to get through the day a bit easier, but it'll still hurt like hell and I'm here for you'
Or simply 'I'm sorry for your loss/I'm thinking of you/would you like to come round for coffee?' Are all non insulting, non dismissive, pleasant things to say to someone who's just had something fucking horrendous happen to them.

People say stupid things but they're usually trying to help and they mean well.
YABU to discuss serious work-related topic here.

It's an utterly meaningless platitude
I'd like to know what she'd have said if someone had asked "really? What is the reason for this then?"
My cousin has just died in his 30s. We don't know the reason yet. When we do I. Doubt well all kick ourselves and say "Oh so that was why he left a family, children including a tiny baby. Well that's ok then"

Ender. I have to disagree with you about the OP being unreasonable. I don't know how you can say that.
She's obviously heart broken at this terrible tragedy, yes I know she didn't know the child but even so it must have been bloody wrenching and heart breaking all the same. She hasn't broken any confidentiality, she's mentioned no names nor has given any indication of where this occurred or even which country.
I've seen lots of work related threads on MN.
There are some things in life you may feel uncomfortable discussing that's what MN is here for.

Totally disagree ender - what on earth do you find to be the problem with the OP talking about a colleague's comment? No names, no areas, nothing that could be said to be specific really - and if the guy who made the comment just happens to come across this thread on MN (unlikely) then he'll learn not to sound like such an insensitive tool in the future.

It's hardly a disciplinary issue either, so I really can't see your problem.

YANBU. It is such a ridiculous thing to say particularly in that context. Everything doesn't happen for a reason, some bloody awful things just happen to people for no reason whatsoever.

So sorry to hear about your loss Nemo.

Sayings like this are awfulk, thoughtless and completely insensitive- and if it is in your line of work, surely the person must realise sometimes nothing should be said.

On a similar vein, a baby relative of mine is very sick and was not expected to survive after a routine operation went badly wrong. An idiot on FB said ; don't ask god for what you want, thank him for what he has given.

Makes you realise how crap like this can be badly interpreted....'what thanks for giving this baby a lifelong disability (and a greatly shortened life)?'

Another phrase I detest is 'God only sends you what you can handle' -- or whatever the exact phrase is. Insensitive, smug, trite.

YANBU! Not the same but my gm died when I was pregnant with DD2. Even though she lived a great distance from us, I miss and think about her daily. But because I was pregnant, someone had to "make room" for the new arrival, don't you know. Noone needs to "make room". Far better a little familial overcrowding and my gm have met, or at least known of, her new ggdd.

to all those who have suffered a loss.

YANBU, I have just been through two miscarriages and lost count of the number of times people have said this to me. Meaningless and unsupportive.

I think the only person it's acceptable to hear that from is the person dealing with whatever it is.
I've just been told my unborn child has a life threatening birth defect (undiagnosed until 36 week routine growth scan) that has a 50/50 chance of survival.
If I want to say "everything happens for a reason" when people keep trying to fucking cuddle me then I think that's acceptable.
However, if someone said it to me I would knock them the fuck out, and I don't think a jury in the land would convict. It's a ridiculous thing to say unless you are the affected party and trying to collect your thoughts and give yourself some way to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Well there is a reason, which is that utter shit happens to innocent and good people. To try to dress up this horrible fact by vaguely implying that it was 'all for the good' is at best insensitive and at worst hideously cruel.

Oh snoop I'm so sorry

Sometimes it's best to say nothing but just use touch and body language.

Words are rarely supportive and often misconstrued and unhelpful.

I am a trained nurse and find that comment disgraceful. You are right op.

I lost my little boy to SIDS back in may, he was almost 13 months, technically everything does happen for a reason but that doesn't make it better! If anyone told me that I think I would have to be pulled off them before I killed them.
We think we may have found out the reason why my little boy died, he had a gene change that affects the heart, a gene change that came from me yet I'm still here. Hopefully we'll get some answers and they'll learn more about 'cot death' (this term pisses me right off because it means they don't know why) and it could save other babies, just wish my boy wasn't the reason they got the answers! www.dexterslight.org.uk

It depends who your colleages are? Are they medical professionals?They may (unreasonably of course) feel guilty when they cannot save a child.I think the comment may have a place in these circumstances, but not when dealing with the bereaved.