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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guest related

59 replies

Sammy135 · 23/01/2015 21:16

Do and I have been invited to my friend from uni's wedding next weekend. He gets paid (a small amount, not full time job) to play a sport and is part of a team. At the time of RSVPing he had said he might need to play as they are in a cup, but give the time of the year and the weather we have it would likely be called off, so RSVP yes.

3 months later, it has been confirmed that they have an indoor venue so the game will go ahead. Dp is adamant he needs to play and his coach/boss has said everyone needs to be there.

Aibu to think that as he has given notice, he doesn't need to play and should go to the wedding? He assumed it wouldn't be an issue as it would be off, told his boss he had a wedding at the time. Now it's on he is all 'I need to play, can't let them down, I get paid to do it so have to' etc. My friend has paid quite a lot per head for her wedfing and as far as I'm concerned he made a commitment to going, and should.

He is currently trying to 'compromise'- he would play, miss the ceremony, the canapés etc while the photos take place but would be able to be there in time for the speeches and wedding dinner. He has only met my friend once, so he said she won't even notice he isn't there and at least that way her money isn't wasted. I think it's rude to miss the ceremony and just turn up part way through the day.

So should he

A. Miss the game and go to the wedding all day
B. Come to the wedding asap (ie his plan of miss the ceremony but make the speeches and dinner.
C. Come to the evening reception

OP posts:
Original poster
Sammy135 · 23/01/2015 21:18

Sorry just spotted all the typos...it's the phones fault, honest!

OP posts:
grocklebox · 23/01/2015 21:19

It's up to him. Why would the bride care if he's not there for part of the day?

Chocolatefudgebrownieicecream · 23/01/2015 21:19

I would say b but only if he will definitely get there before dinner starts. If he wasn't paid, I would have said a.

Chocolatefudgebrownieicecream · 23/01/2015 21:21

Or speak with the bride... She may have someone else she could invite late notice and not lose the money. Then he could just could to rhe evening or not at all.

Allstoppedup · 23/01/2015 21:22

Personally, I think his compromise is quite a good one. The bride won't care if he's at the actual ceremony, it's a fairly good reason to miss it AND he is still making the effort to come later. Everyone wins really. I'd go with it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/01/2015 21:22

Bollocks to suiting him! I can't stand a whiny arse of a man.

Can you take a mate instead who would love a lovely day out at a wedding?

Leave him at home.

hoobypickypicky · 23/01/2015 21:23

Or,

D. Send his apologies and play his sport for his team while you go to the wedding of your friend, who he's met only once, and see you when you get home.

It's a wedding of someone he barely knows vs a paid commitment to a team's cup match. There's no question of which I'd expect him to do.

NollaigShona · 23/01/2015 21:23

B or C

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 23/01/2015 21:24

I think he should go for the whole day or is there someone you could take in his place?

carbolicsoaprocked · 23/01/2015 21:24

If it was my wedding I would understand that people do have commitments and can't always scrap everything just because of 'our big day' - especially when they've only met me once. But I'd be quite happy for him to turn up for the meal - I think that's less rude than him not going at all.

hamptoncourt · 23/01/2015 21:24

Take someone else!

calmexterior · 23/01/2015 21:24

B. sounds ok to me.
Don't think he should have assumed the game would be cancelled but I'm sure you know that...!

hoobypickypicky · 23/01/2015 21:25

"Can you take a mate instead who would love a lovely day out at a wedding?"

A lovely day out? At a wedding?! No, you've lost me there.

MimiSunshine · 23/01/2015 21:25

B) but he doesn't daft around. He plays, he showers, he arrives at Xpm on the dot

carbolicsoaprocked · 23/01/2015 21:27

Just saw Chocolate's suggestion about speaking to the bride and asking if there's someone she'd rather invite. Great idea.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/01/2015 21:27

I agree, take someone else. I love going to weddings, I'd jump at the chance if a friend invited me

FightOrFlight · 23/01/2015 21:33

B)

speakingdoge · 23/01/2015 21:39

No, I think if you commit yourself to an event which has cost other people money, then you go to the event. Unless it's a genuine emergency or you are too ill too move. He made the wrong judgement call at the beginning - if he wasn't bothered at all and there was even a chance that he wouldn't be able to go, he should have said no. It's rude to just rock up half way through and basically gives the impression "I don't give a shit about your day I'm just hear for the food/to prevent an argument"

The fact is, your friend was quite nice to invite your partner when she barely knows him (being nice to you). I'm sure there WERE other people who she could have invited in his place. But to ask her to just "pass the invite" along a WEEK before the wedding is shamefully rude.

If your DP is genuinely too rude to realise what a dick he is being, then put it to the bride. Sorry, DP is being a dick, do you have someone else you would like to invite instead, or shall I bring someone else? Does she have a preference? Punctuated with apologies

speakingdoge · 23/01/2015 21:40

*here. Dear god.

holidaysarenice · 23/01/2015 21:46

You know it's an expensive price per head. Whatever your wedding present, dp adds that amount on top of the original!

After all he is getting paid for his sport and it appears that money is his motivation.

WooWooOwl · 23/01/2015 21:53

I can see both sides, you need to speak to the bride and let her have some input. If she can fill the space then he should try and get there for the dinner, or let her give it to someone else. Maybe she won't mind if you take someone else, but that's something you should ask her first.

NoMoreHappyMrsChicken · 23/01/2015 22:00

A. or C.

B is rude in my opinion.

Aridane · 23/01/2015 22:03

B or C

Flomple · 23/01/2015 22:12

When is the wedding?

Original poster
Sammy135 · 23/01/2015 22:23

Thanks for all your comments!

I realise he sees this as a compromise, he treats this team as a job-he has a contract and a salary and as such wont take time off that hasn't been agreed. Which is fair enough. But don't make assumptions and agree to going to weddings!

I am just concerned that its rude to turn up in time for the dinner, after missing the important bit. I think though she would prefer her money wasn't wasted and he came though, she definitely wouldn't notice if he wasn't there. A few girls in that friendship group are single, so we have never socialised as couples really, which is why she has never met him.

Me inviting someone else isn't really an option. My non uni friends have too many other weddings (and hen do's, and everything else that goes along with it!) so it's just one more wedding expense they couldn't justify. The bride also made a point that it was only certain people from our uni group invited as 'none of them make an effort' with her.

I'll give her a phone to apologise, say to her about coming for the meal onwards and make clear I understand that may not be ideal and ask has someone who can come all day in his place. If she would rather that I'm still going to have a great day with my friends and he can come at night. I know all if the people at our table and half are single anyway so it's not like Ill be playing gooseberry...no doubt we will end up spending most of the night on the dance floor anyway!

OP posts: