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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding guest related

59 replies

Sammy135 · 23/01/2015 21:16

Do and I have been invited to my friend from uni's wedding next weekend. He gets paid (a small amount, not full time job) to play a sport and is part of a team. At the time of RSVPing he had said he might need to play as they are in a cup, but give the time of the year and the weather we have it would likely be called off, so RSVP yes.

3 months later, it has been confirmed that they have an indoor venue so the game will go ahead. Dp is adamant he needs to play and his coach/boss has said everyone needs to be there.

Aibu to think that as he has given notice, he doesn't need to play and should go to the wedding? He assumed it wouldn't be an issue as it would be off, told his boss he had a wedding at the time. Now it's on he is all 'I need to play, can't let them down, I get paid to do it so have to' etc. My friend has paid quite a lot per head for her wedfing and as far as I'm concerned he made a commitment to going, and should.

He is currently trying to 'compromise'- he would play, miss the ceremony, the canapés etc while the photos take place but would be able to be there in time for the speeches and wedding dinner. He has only met my friend once, so he said she won't even notice he isn't there and at least that way her money isn't wasted. I think it's rude to miss the ceremony and just turn up part way through the day.

So should he

A. Miss the game and go to the wedding all day
B. Come to the wedding asap (ie his plan of miss the ceremony but make the speeches and dinner.
C. Come to the evening reception

OP posts:
WineWineWine · 23/01/2015 22:24

The compromise seems perfectly reasonable. I don't see why the bride would care.

Original poster
Sammy135 · 23/01/2015 22:28

Wedding is next sat. All games since beginning of December have been cancelled, we have only just been told that next week is definitely on as it's an indoor venue. This is the earliest notice possible

OP posts:
FightOrFlight · 23/01/2015 22:36

he treats this team as a job-he has a contract and a salary

Yup, that's the definition of a job.

Thing is, he'd obviously rather be playing a sport he loves, being with his mates and joining in with his team for a cup match (higher importance level than league for most players) than being at the wedding of someone he doesn't know. Wouldn't we all under similar circumstances, if truth be told.

If you 'make' him go he will probably resent it so as long as the bride is okay with him just coming for the meal then I think this is the ideal compromise. I doubt she will be scanning the church for as-yet-unmet partners of her friends.

The only problem I foresee is them winning the game and him staying for a few beers to celebrate with his mates. Alternatively losing and staying for a few beers to commiserate with his mates.

If I was the bride I wouldn't give a flying chuff about arrangement (B)

limegoldfinewine · 23/01/2015 22:37

Honestly, this sounds like much ado about nothing. Offer the bride the cost of the meal if it's that big a deal. It's a wedding - it's not a prison sentence. He has been called into work. He can't go. It happens.

Original poster
Sammy135 · 23/01/2015 23:17

Ok, I'll let her know and see what she says, but feel a bit better about him coming for the meal now a few people have said its not too bad a solution.

Fightorflight-There's no chance of him going to the pub, he has just finished ironing his shirt and laying out what he is wearing so its ready to put on (think he may have sensed I was a bit annoyed!)

OP posts:
Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 24/01/2015 07:45

I think he should go.
It's rude to rock up with someone else. The invite was for your partner. There may be someone else that the bride and groom would prefer as an alternate. It is a bit Kate to be bothering them with nonsense but if you'd like to take someone I else, I'd definitely ask first (after apologising for your dh).

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 24/01/2015 07:47

Sorry thread didn't load properly and I missed most of the posts. Your solution seems very sensible, hope it all works out.

PesoPenguin · 24/01/2015 08:06

I think b is acceptable in these circumstances after all it is a job so he can't just not turn up. I don't think the bride will even notice.

DeliciousMonster · 24/01/2015 08:12

Personally, I think it is rude to come just for the food. So he goes to work, you contact the Bride and offer options and let her decide. I'd be pretty annoyed if someone [I hardly knew] just rucked up for the free food personally.

Blueblueblueblue · 24/01/2015 08:13

I had a few people who missed the ceremony through unforeseen circumstances and apologised profusely. I wouldn't have noticed they weren't there otherwise!

This seems like a reasonable compromise, I'm sure the bride will be fine.

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 24/01/2015 08:17

It's a job if he's being paid for it and has a contract. His commitment to his employer trumps a wedding invite to a virtual stranger. He did warn you this might happen. I'd tell the bride he's had to drop out due to work and ask her if she'd like to use his place for someone else.

KnackeredMerrily · 24/01/2015 08:22

I'd much rather an empty place than a guest brought a mate in place of their partner. (As per some of the suggestions)

Am i the only one?! Confused

I think you're doing the right thing apologising and asking if the compromise is alright or does she have a replacement guest. Your DH should have outright turned the invite down though!

ClearlyMoo · 24/01/2015 08:39

As long as he's there for the meal that's the but that's paid for. Also gaps on tables are v annoying when table plan all sorted.

ClearlyMoo · 24/01/2015 08:42

Please don't tell the bride. Unless there's only a few people at the wedding she might not even notice, phoning her before hand just makes a big deal of it. It's all about her not you and DP

yellowdinosauragain · 24/01/2015 08:43

No knackered. I'd have been pissed off if a guest decided they could bring a random along rather than their partner who is actually invited!

ClearlyMoo · 24/01/2015 08:43

Knackered. I'd rather have had a bum on seat. Empty spaces at tables suck.

Theveryhungrycaterpillar123 · 24/01/2015 09:02

You can't take a mate instead! You can't just give an invitation to someone else! The bride and groom may have someone they want to bump up from the evening list. It's up to them who uses that invite, not the OP.

I would go with either let him come later on, or tell the B&G he isn't coming so they can use the space for someone else.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple · 24/01/2015 10:00

Let him arrive late, given most brides have a B list for evenings I doubt she will miss one face at the church.

WooWooOwl · 24/01/2015 10:36

This is why you need to talk to the bride.

Some people would prefer an empty seat to a stranger, some people would have no problem fitting someone else from their own list in, some people would be happy to welcome a different friend.

It's their wedding, they need to be asked.

BestIsWest · 24/01/2015 10:39

B. My cousin's husband did this at a relative's wedding. No one batted an eyelid. Mention it to the bride though.

saintlyjimjams · 24/01/2015 10:44

Talk to bride In case there's someone who can be invited instead.

Otherwise he gets there as soon as he can.

JackSkellington · 24/01/2015 12:31

I don't think the bride will bother. If it were me and I'd never met your partner, I would be inviting him out of politeness so wouldn't mind if he couldn't come. As other posters have said, it might allow her to invite someone from the evening list, which is what I'd do. As long as you let her know I think it'll be fine if he wants to play that day.

MassaAttack · 24/01/2015 12:31

It's not up to you who attends your friend's wedding.

Tell her he cannot come, apologise and let her invite someone else in his place.

B runs the risk of him missing the expensive bit (ie the wedding breakfast etc). That would be money wasted by the bride and groom.

BastardGoDarkly · 24/01/2015 12:35

What would you have done if he'd said no at the start? Not gone, or taken someone else? Do that.

PicaK · 24/01/2015 13:10

At this stage (with a week to go) she will have confirmed numbers. So she won't get her money back. She may also be finishing off her table plan to display. So not turning up for the meal will at the least annoy her and give her extra work to do.
He plays, he does absolutely no faffing about and gets there asap.
You email the bride and explain he has to wortk , is mortified but will be there to celebrate. If the invite came from her parents then you also make him sit down and were them an explanation. Overkill but appreciated.