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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel I didn't deserve to be shouted at?

65 replies

cantfindnicknotinuse · 23/01/2015 15:18

Realise this is all so petty and storm-in-a-teacup, but I really feel the need for an outside perspective on an argument between partner and me:

I'd seen an advert for a TV show(show 2), and wanted to watch it, but realise it is on at the same time as another tv show(show 1) that I usually watch with my partner, so I say 'nevermind we'll just watch show 1'. He points out show 2 is on a channel with a +1 version, and show 1 is one hour, so we can watch show 1, then show 2 on the +1 channel. I agree.

When it comes time to watch it, he says sadly he has to work (at home on laptop) instead, and says that he can watch show 1 at some point later on its internet catch-up service. He also suggests I just watch show 2 'because you want to watch it more'.

I don't want to watch it more, and I think that as he is working anyway, it doesn't matter so I start watching show 1 (intending to watch then show 2 after as planned.)

About 5 minutes in, he flips out at me, yelling and shouting, and then storms out. I'm utterly confused and shocked. Apparently what he wanted to happen was me to watch show 2 on the normal channel, and for us both to watch show 1 on catch up straight afterwards (I didn't realise this at all). As he has previously asked me to give him space when he gets angry, I do so, and watch the tv shows.

Later I apologise to him for not understanding what he wanted. He doesn't accept it, saying I am selfish for not thinking about him and realising what he wanted. I say that's not fair, as he could have just told me what he wanted (and I would have done it). He says he shouldn't have to say it, because I should have thought about him and worked it out.

He has apologised for not explaining clearly, but refuses to apologise for shouting at me, and says I need to accept I am to blame and that I have behaved horribly, in choosing to 'screw him over' by watching show 1 when he couldn't, and in continuing to watch tv after he yelled. (He thinks I should have switched to doing what he wanted then, but I would have missed the beginning of the show 2 by then, and frankly didn't think it would help anything by then as he had already stormed out).

AIBU to feel I haven't really done anything wrong? He can still watch show 1 on catchup up as planned, so he hasn't missed out on anything. I'm sorry I misunderstood what he wanted, but it wasn't intentional or malicious. He says I've 'put tv in front our our relationship'.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 23/01/2015 15:21

What a huge drama queen he is! No it's never ok to shout at your partner especially over this. If it was me I would have watched show 2 and then watched show 1 together, but it's really no big deal.

DiddlyBiddly · 23/01/2015 15:22

His reaction is completely OTT.

kaykayred · 23/01/2015 15:22

I think the only person you need to apologise to is yourself for being in a relationship with such a c*ntish man child.

ThatBloodyWoman · 23/01/2015 15:23

Its bollocks for anyone to shout at anyone else over tv ffs.
Turn the bloody thing off for a week and talk to each other instead.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 23/01/2015 15:24

I would have followex his way of thinking (you watch your prefereed programme and then bith of you watch programme 1 together) but shoutibg was unwarranted. Were you going to watch the same thing twice?

WhatWouldCaitlinDo · 23/01/2015 15:27

Complete over reaction by him. Is he very stressed / tired, or does he usually shout over small things?

You haven't done anything wrong, it was a misunderstanding over something pretty trivial.

pictish · 23/01/2015 15:30

Does he often shout at you over petty things, or innocent things he perceives as a slight against him?

Seriouslyffs · 23/01/2015 15:32

Why are you with him?

bigbluebus · 23/01/2015 15:34

Does he usually tell you what you can do and when OP?
He is behaving like a spoilt child. You are surely free to watch whatever programme you want if he is not using the tv.
Was he working on his laptop in the same room as the tv - in which case he probably didn't want to catch glimpses of show 1 as it would spoil it for when he watched it in catch up later, but all he had to do was take his laptop into another room and work there.
There was no need for him to shout - gross over reaction in my opinion.

angelos02 · 23/01/2015 15:38

Totally OTT. And no-one should ever shout at another adult. In my decade long relationship, my DH has never raised his voice at me. I wouldn't know what it would sound like.

browneyedgirl86 · 23/01/2015 15:44

I think the only person you need to apologise to is yourself for being in a relationship with such a cntish man child.*

This! You didn't deserve it!

woowoo22 · 23/01/2015 15:46

It isnt petty on your party. He is being a cock. What's he like the rest of the time?

Floggingmolly · 23/01/2015 15:47

He's obviously never been screwed over for real; if he really imagines that was it... Twat.

Nolim · 23/01/2015 15:48

Shouting over a misscommunication about tv shows. Storming out Instead of just saying "i want to watch show 1 with you later". Assuming that you can read minds.

Seriously?

Original poster
cantfindnicknotinuse · 23/01/2015 15:49

DrinkFeckArseGirls - Were you going to watch the same thing twice?

I didn't really think about it to be honest. When he said he had to work, I didn't realise he meant only for an hour, so I had no idea if he would be watching it on catch up sometime when I was around or not. As he just said he would watch it on catch up (rather than suggesting we watch it together), I assumed he would just watch it on his own at some point.

I quite often watch things on catch-up when he's not around, so I don't see it as a big deal?

WhatWouldCaitlinDo - Is he very stressed / tired, or does he usually shout over small things?

He is very stressed over work, having to work late often at the moment. Unfortunately as its all work stuff, there's nothing I can do to lighten the load.

He doesn't usually shout over small things, but when he does lose his temper he tends to lose it big and stay mad for a while (which is why we have an agreement over me leaving him alone when he's lost his temper till he regains it).

OP posts:
justmyview · 23/01/2015 15:52

The red flag for me is that he lost his temper, but you ended up apologising. I think that is a concern

badgerhammock · 23/01/2015 15:53

He has apologised for not explaining clearly, but refuses to apologise for shouting at me, and says I need to accept I am to blame and that I have behaved horribly

It would have been pretty bad even if he'd gone on to apologise for shouting, but the fact he's trying to blame you for his actions is Shock YANBU at all OP.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/01/2015 15:53

As he has previously asked me to give him space when he gets angry
So he gets angry a lot then?
What are his good points?
Does he actually have any?
You need really look at this situation.
Sounds to me like you are forever 'walking on eggshells'
This is NOT good!

MildDrPepperAddiction · 23/01/2015 15:58

Is this normal behaviour for him?

If so, LTB

SoonToBeMrsB · 23/01/2015 15:58

Sadly this is the sort of childish thing that my DP would moan about as well. He is a totally rational human 99% of the time but very occasionally he'll take umbrage with some bizarre slight against him and go mad about it, it's ridiculous and, in those moments, I have questioned whether or not I wanted to be with him.

You weren't unreasonable in the slightest, your DP's reaction was mental.

Tinkerball · 23/01/2015 15:59

This might only be a small snapshot but I'm guessing he gets angry about other stuff and then blames you for making him angry. Not a good sign at all.

iklboo · 23/01/2015 16:02

He likes you to leave him alone when he's lost his temper? I'd leave him alone alright - permanently.

He's behaving like a toddler having a tantrum.

EvilTendency1 · 23/01/2015 16:10

My husband has never shouted at me and I mean never.

There is no way I would be with someone who flips out over trivial shit like that. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and you shouted at him, would he tread on eggshells to keep the peace ? I doubt it.

comedycentral · 23/01/2015 16:12

In the nicest possible way maybe you both need to get out more! Could you both take up a hobby together of an evening? Do something outdoorsy or listen to the radio or something? TV should not cause this much drama.

Is he tired ATM? He's made a right mountain out of a mole hill.

MagnetsOnItsTail · 23/01/2015 16:14

He's angry at you, because you didn't read his mind and realise what he wanted, then makes it out to be your fault. Does he blame you for other things, too?

If this is usual behaviour for him, I'd have a good think if you want this to be the pattern for the rest of your life. Been there, done that and it's shit.

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