to feel I didn't deserve to be shouted at?

[cantfindnicknotinuse]

Realise this is all so petty and storm-in-a-teacup, but I really feel the need for an outside perspective on an argument between partner and me:

I'd seen an advert for a TV show(show 2), and wanted to watch it, but realise it is on at the same time as another tv show(show 1) that I usually watch with my partner, so I say 'nevermind we'll just watch show 1'. He points out show 2 is on a channel with a +1 version, and show 1 is one hour, so we can watch show 1, then show 2 on the +1 channel. I agree.

When it comes time to watch it, he says sadly he has to work (at home on laptop) instead, and says that he can watch show 1 at some point later on its internet catch-up service. He also suggests I just watch show 2 'because you want to watch it more'.

I don't want to watch it more, and I think that as he is working anyway, it doesn't matter so I start watching show 1 (intending to watch then show 2 after as planned.)

About 5 minutes in, he flips out at me, yelling and shouting, and then storms out. I'm utterly confused and shocked. Apparently what he wanted to happen was me to watch show 2 on the normal channel, and for us both to watch show 1 on catch up straight afterwards (I didn't realise this at all). As he has previously asked me to give him space when he gets angry, I do so, and watch the tv shows.

Later I apologise to him for not understanding what he wanted. He doesn't accept it, saying I am selfish for not thinking about him and realising what he wanted. I say that's not fair, as he could have just told me what he wanted (and I would have done it). He says he shouldn't have to say it, because I should have thought about him and worked it out.

He has apologised for not explaining clearly, but refuses to apologise for shouting at me, and says I need to accept I am to blame and that I have behaved horribly, in choosing to 'screw him over' by watching show 1 when he couldn't, and in continuing to watch tv after he yelled. (He thinks I should have switched to doing what he wanted then, but I would have missed the beginning of the show 2 by then, and frankly didn't think it would help anything by then as he had already stormed out).

AIBU to feel I haven't really done anything wrong? He can still watch show 1 on catchup up as planned, so he hasn't missed out on anything. I'm sorry I misunderstood what he wanted, but it wasn't intentional or malicious. He says I've 'put tv in front our our relationship'.

I totally agree whereyouleft it. Your partner needs professional help to address his anger, and find more appropriate ways of dealing with it.

He sounds like a nightmare.

Like others have said how can he be settling down to watch tv with you planning how you are going to watch both programmes then suddenly have to go and work.

Then going nuclear is abnormal.

but refuses to apologise for shouting at me, and says I need to accept I am to blame and that I have behaved horribly, in choosing to 'screw him over' by watching show 1 when he couldn't, and in continuing to watch tv after he yelled. (He thinks I should have switched to doing what he wanted then, but I would have missed the beginning of the show 2 by then, and frankly didn't think it would help anything by then as he had already stormed out).

screwed him over

put the tv over your relationship

refuses to accept your apology for not being a mind reader

How can some one be so angry over something so insignificant? It is mind boggling.

You haven't done anything wrong.

You have apologised for the mis-understanding. Stop apologising any more or accepting any shitty behaviour over this.

I agree magoria, stop tolerating shitty behaviour, each time you are doing that and apologising for him, your self esteem and self worth are being chipped away gradually. It sounds as though you are scared of him, are you op?

What an entirely ridiculous drama over a TV show! "Behaved horribly" indeed! At best it was a misunderstanding, at worst, he set the situation up. But either way I can't see there is anything for you to apologise for and certainly, I'd get out of the habit of routinely apologising just to placate him too.

Anyone who can't manage their anger properly needs help. They certainly don't have the right to tell their partner that they must keep out of their way while they are in a rage. He's a fucking adult. He needs to learn how to behave like one.

So I really do hope this man has some stunningly excellent redeeming qualities. Because on the evidence shown he's coming across as a complete shit. Is that really want you want from a relationship in the long term?

What it boils down to is that he lost his temper and shouted at you, then has blamed you and refuses to apologise.

Not a good trait

Just a thought, but I wonder if he is secretly a bit and about his blowup and is digging in, to convince himself it was 'your fault' so he doesn't have to face up to behaving like an unreasonable tit.

I say this because I know I have done this to dps in the past and I'm not proud of it, but its amazing how easy it is to focus your blame on your nearest one when you are working yourself into a frenzy of aggrieved and righteous indignation.

If he is anything like me he will not enjoy having this pointed out. But I have learned, slowly. If that is what is going on and he can learn to recognise himself starting off on one, it would benefit him as much as you.

I'm afraid i can't really remember now, how dp made me see what i was doing. It took a while though, that I can tell you.

I don't think it's about the tv show, or control.

I think he was looking forward to watching the show with you, as time spent together, and he's upset and disappointed that you didn't see it that way. If you had seen it that way, you'd have realised it's not really about the tv show, it's about the time you spend with each other and the tv show is really a red herring.

However, he's expressed that really badly. He needs to apologise for shouting and I think you need to acknowledge that you didn't realise it was so important to him for you to spend time together watching show 1.

It's a fricking telly programme! What the hell is the matter with him? The most reaction I would expect is 'are you watching it now? Well, it would have been nice if you had waited.'

Is he scared of the programme? Can't he watch it alone? I would be so pissed off if my DH yelled at me about something so utterly trivial.

The first time I read it I understood the plan to be the one you'd assumed it was. The second time I read it I understand what your partner was planning.

I don't think you should feel bad because it was genuinely a confusion situation. But your partner didn't handle it at all well. He could have said "Hang on, I thought we were going to do it this other way" and not stormed off and shouted.

So ultimately you're not wrong to apologise for upsetting him but he really needs to handle his feelings better than having a massive strop. He says you should have understood what he wanted. Well he should have trusted you not to be deliberately doing him down. You misunderstood what he intended. He should have spoken up.

And perhaps he could benefit from some anger management rather than just exploding over something so minor.

Later I apologise to him for not understanding what he wanted. He doesn't accept it, saying I am selfish for not thinking about him and realising what he wanted. I say that's not fair, as he could have just told me what he wanted (and I would have done it). He says he shouldn't have to say it, because I should have thought about him and worked it out.

Seriously, WTF?

An adult lets another adult know what they need/want. No one's a mind reader.

I need to know what the programmes were.

He says he shouldn't have to say it, because I should have thought about him and worked it out.

So you are supposed to be fucking clairvoyant now? As well as apologise to him even if there's nothing to be sorry about? And to make yourself scarce when he feels the need to have a rage about like an uncontrolled toddler?

Pshaw! The man sounds like far too much hard work, OP.

I always apologise first, whenever we argue. It's just one of those things. I don't want us to be arguing, and an apology doesn't cost me anything, you know?

Oh, OP, apologising when you are not in the wrong costs you a huge amount - your self-respect, your dignity, your self-esteem, the moral high ground, the opportunity to challenge your partner's behaviour. Apologising to keep the peace is a very dangerous path

What justmyview said.

He was behaving like a twat. And as for "you putting a TV show before your relationship?" That's almost amusing in its total and utter bullshit.

If i were you, I'd be worried that he would hit me at some point in the future. It sounds like he could be gearing up to it.