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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel I didn't deserve to be shouted at?

65 replies

cantfindnicknotinuse · 23/01/2015 15:18

Realise this is all so petty and storm-in-a-teacup, but I really feel the need for an outside perspective on an argument between partner and me:

I'd seen an advert for a TV show(show 2), and wanted to watch it, but realise it is on at the same time as another tv show(show 1) that I usually watch with my partner, so I say 'nevermind we'll just watch show 1'. He points out show 2 is on a channel with a +1 version, and show 1 is one hour, so we can watch show 1, then show 2 on the +1 channel. I agree.

When it comes time to watch it, he says sadly he has to work (at home on laptop) instead, and says that he can watch show 1 at some point later on its internet catch-up service. He also suggests I just watch show 2 'because you want to watch it more'.

I don't want to watch it more, and I think that as he is working anyway, it doesn't matter so I start watching show 1 (intending to watch then show 2 after as planned.)

About 5 minutes in, he flips out at me, yelling and shouting, and then storms out. I'm utterly confused and shocked. Apparently what he wanted to happen was me to watch show 2 on the normal channel, and for us both to watch show 1 on catch up straight afterwards (I didn't realise this at all). As he has previously asked me to give him space when he gets angry, I do so, and watch the tv shows.

Later I apologise to him for not understanding what he wanted. He doesn't accept it, saying I am selfish for not thinking about him and realising what he wanted. I say that's not fair, as he could have just told me what he wanted (and I would have done it). He says he shouldn't have to say it, because I should have thought about him and worked it out.

He has apologised for not explaining clearly, but refuses to apologise for shouting at me, and says I need to accept I am to blame and that I have behaved horribly, in choosing to 'screw him over' by watching show 1 when he couldn't, and in continuing to watch tv after he yelled. (He thinks I should have switched to doing what he wanted then, but I would have missed the beginning of the show 2 by then, and frankly didn't think it would help anything by then as he had already stormed out).

AIBU to feel I haven't really done anything wrong? He can still watch show 1 on catchup up as planned, so he hasn't missed out on anything. I'm sorry I misunderstood what he wanted, but it wasn't intentional or malicious. He says I've 'put tv in front our our relationship'.

OP posts:
Due2015 · 23/01/2015 16:20

Don't stand for this from him,you need to warn him you won't be spoken to like this again and mean it

Theoretician · 23/01/2015 16:21

He's a nutter. YANBU for not having psychic powers to deduce his plan. Given he's still blaming you after having time to calm down and having your point of view explained, I think you need to consider getting out of this relationship.

ThatBloodyWoman · 23/01/2015 16:21

It always intrigues me when I hear people are in relationships where no one ever shouts!

I don't think shouting per se,or even getting a bit unreasonable and shouty,is always an awful thing -just so long as you both feel free to express yourselves and no real offence is taken.But in this instance it seems pretty one sided.

Getting so arsey over tv,whatever the case...well,thats just bonkers.

borisgudanov · 23/01/2015 16:25

Anyone who loses his temper over a TV programme is a twat IMHO. And living with twats is a Bad Idea.

helicopterbitch · 23/01/2015 16:26

I think theres more to it.

Perhaps this was just the final thing.

Chilicosrenegade · 23/01/2015 16:29

Is he on drugs...? Partially facetious...

PumpkinRain · 23/01/2015 16:34

Were you watching show 1 in the same room as him? He had no rights to flip out but it would annoy me to have a programme on that I wanted to watch whilst I was working on in the same room.

DustyBedhead · 23/01/2015 16:39

He's all angry and shouty because you didn't do as he told you. Alarm bells a plenty, LTB

MaidOfStars · 23/01/2015 16:45

I'd certainly be giving him space to get over his anger.

A lot of space.

Maybe a city's worth. I could go for an international separation though.

hamptoncourt · 23/01/2015 16:50

Given that you state he has form for this kind of temper tantrum I would look very hard at what you are getting out of this relationship.

I hope you don't have DC with him? He sounds like a ridiculous pratt to me.

isaidlesbonotasbo · 23/01/2015 16:51

Why were you deferring originally to his programme, then apologising and enabling his abusive behaviour. Are you frightened of him? Do you have children? What are they learning? If not, should they arrive and his abuse of you escalates, for that is what it is, and that is what will happen , you will be in a position ten times worse. You know this is wrong, act now.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 23/01/2015 16:55

I lived with someone who threw this sort of tantrum. Thank fuck I left him before we got married or had children.

Stop apologising op for not being a mind reader. He has behaved abominably.

You know if you left him you might meet someone who treats you with respect? I did and I married him and look back and wonder what the heck I was doing allowing someone to control me and treat me with so little respect as the man-child I lived with before.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/01/2015 17:01

Op it sounds really concerning. Sounds like he often looses his temper at you. He has behaved like a big fat cock, and has treated you without any respect or love in this situation. He blamed you for what, not being able to read his mind. Is this a one off, or does he do this often?

Blueblueblueblue · 23/01/2015 17:03

All this I over a TV programme?? Shock

I'd laugh in my DH's face if he reacted like that about something so trivial.

Why on earth did you apologise!!

Seriously, you need to think about why you apologised for this.

ChristmasEva50 · 23/01/2015 17:13

It always intrigues me when I hear people are in relationships where no one ever shouts!

My dh and I have never shouted at each other (married 22 years) and I would not stay in a relationship where this happened. As grown ups we can discuss and resolve any problems or misunderstandings in a normal tone of voice. I never heard my parents raise their voices either.

Original poster
cantfindnicknotinuse · 23/01/2015 17:15

pictish - Does he often shout at you over petty things, or innocent things he perceives as a slight against him?

No. We have had arguments before, of course, but not normally over something so inconsequential.

Seriouslyffs - Why are you with him?

He does have better qualities than the ones displayed in this incident, and while I could hold out for the perfect human, I'm not one myself so it wouldn't be fair.

bigbluebus - Does he usually tell you what you can do and when OP?

Not 'usually'. He lived alone for a long time before me and is used to getting his own way, so its a habit he falls back on occasionally. But generally as soon as I point it out he stops. (And I do think in the long term he is getting better about this).

justmyview -The red flag for me is that he lost his temper, but you ended up apologising.

I always apologise first, whenever we argue. It's just one of those things. I don't want us to be arguing, and an apology doesn't cost me anything, you know? He isn't good at apologising, at least not straight after an argument, but he does apologise later usually.

hellsbellsmelons - So he gets angry a lot then?

I wouldn't say a lot, but he does seem to go straight to apocalyptic levels of anger when it happens. I don't know. I don't expect my partner to never lose their temper (I know I lose mine on occasion!). But I don't know if I can handle his. We've had a few incidents where he has got very angry, and he has said that I made it worse by trying to talk about it/deal with the problem while he angry, and that if he gets angry I should give him space, so I agreed to do that to see if it would help. I know anger is a red flag for people, but it's hard to know where the line is. I've always had a quick temper myself, I hate it, and I try to deal with it (and think I am getting a lot better at realising when I am losing my temper and reeling myself in), so I have sympathy for him losing his.

EvilTendency1 if the shoe was on the other foot and you shouted at him, would he tread on eggshells to keep the peace ?

I know that if I shouted at him he'd probably shot back, but to be honest that's normally the reaction I'd have towards him shouting at me. I honestly don't 'tread on eggshells'. My reaction to this may seem pretty passive, but that's mostly because it was all so sudden and he'd stormed off before I really got what he was angry about.

OP posts:
ThatBloodyWoman · 23/01/2015 17:18

Oh I'm not knocking it Christmas !
I like a bit of a (sometimes unreasonable) shouty rant at my dh and him at me,and I can't imagine being different,thats all!
We've been together over 20 years,so I suppose its just different horses for different courses.

Humansatnav · 23/01/2015 17:19

Id move this one to relationship board if I were you op.

ThatBloodyWoman · 23/01/2015 17:19

Op.it sounds like he scares you when he goes off on one.
That is not ok.

NimpyWWindowmash · 23/01/2015 17:22

sounds ridiculous, goodness gracious, both of you need to get out a bit more!

so much drama and angst over an effing tv show, who gives a fuck about ANY tv show to this extent?!

Anyway, he was BU

DeliciousMonster · 23/01/2015 17:23

He says I've 'put tv in front our our relationship'.

Oh for goodness sakes. Tell him from me to get a fucking grip.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/01/2015 17:43

I'm a bit puzzled by how this argument started OP, because honestly? It sounds like he set you up deliberately. He wanted to throw a tantrum at you.

Firstly you were both settled down to watch TV but "When it comes time to watch it, he says sadly he has to work". So he didn't know he had to work until that very moment, did he? Really? Because I would have expected to be aware of it before, like maybe when you had mentioned you fancied watching show 2. And a normal person, knowing they were going to be working when show 2 was on, would say 'I have to work anyway, so why don't you watch that show and we can watch show 1 together on catchup?'

Secondly, "About 5 minutes in, he flips out at me, yelling and shouting, and then storms out." He was working, why was he aware of what you were watching on TV at all? And even if he was, why not just say something along the lines of 'I thought you were going to watch show 2, have you changed your mind?'. That would be what a normal person does, not yelling and storming out in a huff.

Another thing that worries me is when you said "I always apologise first, whenever we argue. It's just one of those things. I don't want us to be arguing, and an apology doesn't cost me anything, you know?"
Actually, I disagree about it not costing you anything in these circumstances. I am always quick to apologise when I am in the wrong as then, you are right, the apology costs you nothing. But to apologise when you are NOT in the wrong does, in my opinion, have a cost. When someone, like your angry partner, gets an apology when THEY are in the wrong, then they are less inclined to address their own behaviour. Your proffered apology costs you very dear indeed, as it takes the brakes off of his temper.

"I wouldn't say a lot, but he does seem to go straight to apocalyptic levels of anger when it happens. I don't know. I don't expect my partner to never lose their temper (I know I lose mine on occasion!). But I don't know if I can handle his. We've had a few incidents where he has got very angry, and he has said that I made it worse by trying to talk about it/deal with the problem while he angry, and that if he gets angry I should give him space, so I agreed to do that to see if it would help."
This concerns me because by him saying that you have made it worse, he is shifting the blame for his temper from himself and onto you. Victim blaming, in other words. This is particularly a red flag, and what I would be most worried about.

I would not be happy with this man's attitude. He has a problem with his temper, and he chooses to blame those around him for it. I would want him to address his problem via an anger management course. Going nuclear over a sodding TV programme is just not normal.

LindyHemming · 23/01/2015 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cantfindnicknotinuse · 23/01/2015 17:57

comedycentral - In the nicest possible way maybe you both need to get out more! Could you both take up a hobby together of an evening? Do something outdoorsy or listen to the radio or something? TV should not cause this much drama.

I can honestly say TV has never caused us drama before, and we do have hobbies! We just have a couple of nights a week where we don't do much but watch tv to rest.

It always intrigues me when I hear people are in relationships where no one ever shouts!

Thank you for posting that! I was beginning to feel like I was the only one. I'm not saying shouting all the time out of the blue is great in a relationship, but I think at times, in extremis, the odd bit of shouting is just, human, I guess. I don't like about myself that I lose my temper and shout sometimes, but I don't think it makes me irredeemable as a person.

PumpkinRain - Were you watching show 1 in the same room as him? He had no rights to flip out but it would annoy me to have a programme on that I wanted to watch whilst I was working on in the same room.

Yes, he was. But he was working on the laptop and there are other rooms in the house, so he wasn't forced to watch it. (The tv is only in one room however, so I couldn't have moved without stopping watching tv entirely).

isaidlesbonotasbo - Why were you deferring originally to his programme, then apologising and enabling his abusive behaviour. Are you frightened of him?

I'm not frightened of him. I apologised because I'd upset him. Don't you apologise when you accidentally upset someone? It was basically a misunderstanding, and I generally think it takes two to misunderstand each other.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 23/01/2015 18:10

Don't apologise op for something you haven't done wrong, by doing that, you are putting yourself down and lowering your self confidence. When dh has done that, and I know he is in the wrong, I let him shout and storm off where ever. Then wait for him to calm down, and tell him that him shouting hurt you, it made you feel bad, it is not your fault that x happened. DH usually apologises. No I don't apologise if it is nothing I have done wrong, op you did nothing wrong. You sound quiet downtrodden tbh. Yes If I did wrong, I apologise.