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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be involved with the wedding

55 replies

dingdongdonna · 22/01/2015 11:37

Attempting short version...

DP's sister is getting married back in their home town. DP is an usher, DP's other sister is maid of honour and MOH's boyfriend is an usher too. Keeping up? Good.

All of this was arranged and the like a while ago - DP and I had been together for about 2.5 years and had just started living together in a rented flat. Since then, we have bought a house together and have now been together 3.5 years.

Recently, bride has taken me to one side and asked me to be part of the wedding. She specifically wants the following: (1) me to get ready at her house with her, her parents and the bridesmaids (2) me to go to the church in the wedding cars with the bridesmaids and (3) me and DP to walk her mum down the aisle (like, either side of her) prior to bride's entrance in the church.

Now... I can get on board with number 1, but numbers 2 and 3 seem really weird to me. I'm going to look like some sort of add on! It's just weird!

She really is a lovely person and I am convinced that the reason she is asking is just because she feels bad that her sister's boyfriend is involved as an usher, but I am not specifically involved in some way. I couldn't care less - I was looking forward to driving myself and to having the freedom to get up late that morning at our hotel etc!

however, I have tried to say no in a nice way (e.g. "you really don't need to try to get me involved, I'll be absolutely fine - happy to get ready with you but really, no need to create me a place") but she is insistent. I am not starting to feel uncomfortable.

So MN jury - AIBU to want to tell her I will get ready with them but will be driving myself and sitting down before the procession, or should I just do what she wants as it's her day and look like a right twonk?

OP posts:

Original poster

dingdongdonna · 22/01/2015 11:38

*NOW starting to feel uncomfortable. Sorry!

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 22/01/2015 11:39

If there are no issues with them and it won't massively inconvenience you to do why not?
If it makes everyone happy then do it - she's saying you are part of the family.

Viviennemary · 22/01/2015 11:39

I think you should just do it. If she is a nice person and there really isn't any reason why you can't do it other than you don't want to then do. Because sometimes you just do things you don't want to do to please other people. Not always of course but when it's right.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 22/01/2015 11:41

I don't really get what the problem is. I think its nice she is involving you.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 22/01/2015 11:41

I don't really get what the problem is. I think its nice she is involving you.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 22/01/2015 11:41

I don't really get what the problem is. I think its nice she is involving you.

Original poster

dingdongdonna · 22/01/2015 11:42

So if you went to a wedding and the mother of the bride marched down the aisle between her son and her son's girlfriend before the bridesmaids, you wouldn't think that was a bit strange?

And you wouldn't think it was a bit billy-no-mates if some random hopped dout of the bridesmaids' car with them wearing something totally different?

Ergh - knew you'd all be reasonable and tell me to do it...

OP posts:

NickiFury · 22/01/2015 11:43

I would absolutely hate this. I don't blame you for not wanting to do it.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/01/2015 11:44

I think its her way of saying, "I think you're my family"

TheCowThatLaughs · 22/01/2015 11:44

Could you claim to be uncomfortable with the attention being on you in the church? Might not be worth causing bad feeling over if you get on well though.

curiousgeorgie · 22/01/2015 11:45

I wouldn't do 2 or 3, I'm with you and think it would be weird.

Original poster

dingdongdonna · 22/01/2015 11:46

Ok ok point taken - she is lovely and I should just do it.

Doesn't stop me feeling uncomfortable though! I just feel it looks like I have tagged along with the wedding party when I am clearly not involved as I am not dressed like them or acting out a clear role.

Also... sister's boyfriend that is an usher is good friends with the groom anyway so if they broke up I think the groom would still see him. if DP and I split I def wouldn't see any of them as we live quite far away from them all... so should I really be so involved?

OP posts:

marshmallowpies · 22/01/2015 11:46

Argh it's tricky - if you feel awkward about being 'on display' I think you could claim shyness/self consciousness? I was asked to be a bridesmaid at my friend's wedding, which didn't last very long, (the marriage that is), and at her second wedding I was heavily pregnant, just coming to the wedding at all was a big effort.

I backed out of the hen do as I didn't think I could manage clubbing at 8 months pregnant, and When she asked if I wanted to do anything specific at the wedding I said I thought better not - I felt like a bit of a killjoy & bad friend but she was understanding about it. Being on show and part of the wedding party is not for everyone.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/01/2015 11:47

What cow said, I dont even wanna walk down the aisle at my own wedding, if I get married.

I dont blame you for not wanting to do it, it is nice of her to ask though.

marshmallowpies · 22/01/2015 11:47

SuasSios · 22/01/2015 11:47

hmmm, I think it'd look a bit odd. Like in pictures of bridesmaids arriving at church, with you photobombing. Is the aisle actually wide enough for 3 adults to walk up side-by-side? In our local church, you wouldn't all fit and one person (probably you!) would have to kinda walk a step behind. Unless your DPs mum needs help, for mobility reasons.

I can understand her reasons for including you, but I think I'd politely decline the car/walking bit. Are you friendly with the other sister, maybe point out to her that it wouldn't be your "thing", but that you don't want to offend?

Or on the day, when it's super busy, make an excuse for nipping off ahead of the rest to "check something in the church"...

MimiSunshine · 22/01/2015 11:47

I disagree, you don't want to walk down the aisle so don't. You don't have to, you're not a bridesmaid and you could refuse that role as well if you were offered it.

I'd go back to her and say, you really do appreciate her including you but you don't want to walk down the aisle as you would feel self conscious plus you think it should be just DP and his mum for a special moment.

She'll think its a confidence thing you will know its a not wanting to look weird thing (which I agree with you on, has she watched too many American movies where the MoB gets walked down the aisle? Cringe)

Then go with a little laugh a pat on the arm and 'honestly i'm fine but thank you' every time.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 22/01/2015 11:48

I dont even wanna walk down the aisle at my own wedding, if I get married.

I dont blame you for not wanting to do it, it is nice of her to ask though.

LineRunner · 22/01/2015 11:48

Well I wouldn't do it but I hate weddings

Original poster

dingdongdonna · 22/01/2015 11:49

marshmallow - I don't think she could believe me if I claimed shyness - she knows im quite a confident person. Sigh.

Glad some of you at least agree on the point that 2 and 3 are not comfortable for me!

OP posts:

marshmallowpies · 22/01/2015 11:51

One really simple thing - are the female members of the wedding party who are not bridesmaids going to have buttonholes (bride & grooms mothers) - if you had a buttonhole too then it would be clear in the photos who was part of the official group & who wasn't?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/01/2015 11:51

I don't think anyone sees the bridesmaids coming out of the cars, and you can skip aside if there's photos.

I actually think you both walking down with her mum is a nice touch, but hardly anyone will actually notice it happening - there's no music, no announcement, it's just three members of the family walking down the aisle. Those who do notice will likely perk up, as in 'ooh the bride is coming now', but it's not like a staged part of the entry procession.

That said, of course you don't have to do anything you don't want to do, but I genuinely think she's being nice.

Nomama · 22/01/2015 11:53

Oh, it's a day that means 'family' to her. To you it is a car ride and a short walk...

She has been lovely to include you so intimately, within the immediate family circle. She obviously feels you are 'hers' now and so has changed her plans to bring you in.

I know I'd hate to do it, you have my utmost sympathy that she has thought up this very peculiar method of torture! Sadly though, I don't think your embarrassment would outweigh the bucket of cold water she would feel you had chucked all over her.

Face it, you have been out luvvied... you may just have to put a brave face on it.

Chin up!

Original poster

dingdongdonna · 22/01/2015 11:59

Not sure re button holes, but GOOD QUESTION. will try to find out from DP!

Nomama - I think you're right. Curse DP's wonderful family. This would never have happened in mine!

OP posts:

zfactor · 22/01/2015 12:05

If she's really that 'lovely', and not lacking in brain cells, she'd realise you were trying to say 'no, I really don't want to do this'; if she's lovely, but thick, then perhaps you need to spell it out. She should want all her guests to be happy with the arrangements, or at least feel comfortable with them, and if she is genuinely 'lovely', then she should happily accept that you simply don't want to do this.

YANBU at all!

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