to not want to be involved with the wedding

[dingdongdonna]

Attempting short version...

DP's sister is getting married back in their home town. DP is an usher, DP's other sister is maid of honour and MOH's boyfriend is an usher too. Keeping up? Good.

All of this was arranged and the like a while ago - DP and I had been together for about 2.5 years and had just started living together in a rented flat. Since then, we have bought a house together and have now been together 3.5 years.

Recently, bride has taken me to one side and asked me to be part of the wedding. She specifically wants the following: (1) me to get ready at her house with her, her parents and the bridesmaids (2) me to go to the church in the wedding cars with the bridesmaids and (3) me and DP to walk her mum down the aisle (like, either side of her) prior to bride's entrance in the church.

Now... I can get on board with number 1, but numbers 2 and 3 seem really weird to me. I'm going to look like some sort of add on! It's just weird!

She really is a lovely person and I am convinced that the reason she is asking is just because she feels bad that her sister's boyfriend is involved as an usher, but I am not specifically involved in some way. I couldn't care less - I was looking forward to driving myself and to having the freedom to get up late that morning at our hotel etc!

however, I have tried to say no in a nice way (e.g. "you really don't need to try to get me involved, I'll be absolutely fine - happy to get ready with you but really, no need to create me a place") but she is insistent. I am not starting to feel uncomfortable.

So MN jury - AIBU to want to tell her I will get ready with them but will be driving myself and sitting down before the procession, or should I just do what she wants as it's her day and look like a right twonk?

Thanks all.

yes - it is a bit American in its approach. But I did actually go to a wedding of one of DP's friends in summer where the same approach was taken (ie bridesmaids walked down before bride, with ushers and mother of the bride preceded them all with an usher of her own) and we all stared quite a lot because they did it to the music. So you can see my issues!

Right - will suggest Thriller and Monkees to DP, though any mention of any circumstance in which his family may be wrong in some capacity is generally met with outrage or defensiveness, so I'm not sure how much of a laugh I'll get ;)
Kaykayred - same issue would prevent us working as ateam on this. We had an almighty falling out over the hen do because its quite frankly the most expensive thing I have ever been asked to pay for that didn't take place over 7 hours' flight away! He has agreed to pay for half as he seems determined that I should go, and I am happy with the approach, so I am reluctant to rock the boat with him at the moment because I cant be arsed with the defensiveness he seems to spew the minute there is even a hint of suggestion that someone in the perfect family may not have considered something fully.

At a couple of weddings I've seen brides mother being escorted to her seat, usually by a male relation (not an usher as such) as the last "guests" to be seated before the bridesmaids start coming up the aisle. So, I don't think it's that unusual these days.

OK - so my guess from what you've said is your dp's family are much closer/more in each other's pockets than your family? DP's family are like this, and much as they are sweet, I find their involvement in each other's lives 'odd' as someone who's family can ignore each other for months on end!

I am 100% sure that, as others have said, the bride is doing it to make you feel included and part of the family. This is - obviously - lovely, caring and NOT something to throw back in her teeth. I would have no problem with 1 or 2 - I mean, who's going to be watching you come out of the car anyway? I've certainly seen people other than the 'core' bridal party get out of bridal cars, and not thought twice about it. And anyway, surely all the wedding guests will be inside the church, not outside lining the streets to cheer you in?
I wouldn't think twice about 3 either personally - ppl do all sorts of weird stuff at weddings, so a bit more weirdness = so what. Surely everyone will be looking for the bride at this stage - you three will just look like part of the bridal party walking to your seats. BUT if you really don't fancy it, I think saying - let's keep that as a special moment for your brother & your mum would be OK.

Overall though - I'd be thankful to have an in-law family who are working so hard to make you feel part of the group - there are enough posts on here from partners who feel aggrieved to be left out of family wedding plans. I would (& have) sucked up a little feeling uncomfortable to keep part of that, myself. (I went along to SIL-to-be's 'getting dressed' stuff with the dcs as she wanted us there, even though it felt a bit odd, as she already had 4 other adult bridesmaids there!)

Crikey - you really have been luvvied to the utmost edge of comfort, haven't you?

Still, if your DP is getting uptight about it you can at least smile (inwardly) and be happy you are not the groom to be

Like yours, I don't think my family would be arsed with all of that - though I have a cousin who could yet surprise us all

Can you ask her to get you some kind of fancy corsage or such like, similar to bridesmaids bouquets and mother of the bride corsage that shows you are part of wedding party?

I think she is being really nice, but I also get what you mean about you not looking like part of wedding party, so I was trying to think of a visual sign that you are part of wedding party IYSWIM.

Wish my SIL was so nice tbh. I won't bore you with the saga of SIL and family occasions...I don't bore myself with it anymore as I just avoid her.