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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be involved with the wedding

55 replies

dingdongdonna · 22/01/2015 11:37

Attempting short version...

DP's sister is getting married back in their home town. DP is an usher, DP's other sister is maid of honour and MOH's boyfriend is an usher too. Keeping up? Good.

All of this was arranged and the like a while ago - DP and I had been together for about 2.5 years and had just started living together in a rented flat. Since then, we have bought a house together and have now been together 3.5 years.

Recently, bride has taken me to one side and asked me to be part of the wedding. She specifically wants the following: (1) me to get ready at her house with her, her parents and the bridesmaids (2) me to go to the church in the wedding cars with the bridesmaids and (3) me and DP to walk her mum down the aisle (like, either side of her) prior to bride's entrance in the church.

Now... I can get on board with number 1, but numbers 2 and 3 seem really weird to me. I'm going to look like some sort of add on! It's just weird!

She really is a lovely person and I am convinced that the reason she is asking is just because she feels bad that her sister's boyfriend is involved as an usher, but I am not specifically involved in some way. I couldn't care less - I was looking forward to driving myself and to having the freedom to get up late that morning at our hotel etc!

however, I have tried to say no in a nice way (e.g. "you really don't need to try to get me involved, I'll be absolutely fine - happy to get ready with you but really, no need to create me a place") but she is insistent. I am not starting to feel uncomfortable.

So MN jury - AIBU to want to tell her I will get ready with them but will be driving myself and sitting down before the procession, or should I just do what she wants as it's her day and look like a right twonk?

OP posts:
TSSDNCOP · 22/01/2015 12:12

Could you say something like "The thing is DSIL to be, I'm going to look like I wanted to be a bridesmaid, but didn't make the cut. Am super-delighted about your wedding and thrilled you want to involve me, but I'm going to take full advantage of the lovely hotel and see you in your full glory at the church".

DoJo · 22/01/2015 12:18

It sounds like the two of you are in a politely locked-horns situation - you know that she wants to include you despite not being part of the original wedding party, and she knows that you don't want to feel as though you have 'muscled in' on her wedding and thinks that by insisting she is proving that she really wants you there. Honestly - I would do it, just because she has been generous enough to extend her wedding party to include you (albeit not in any official capacity) and because you don't want to risk hurting her feelings by refusing when she is trying to avoid hurting yours by not including you.

SaucyMare · 22/01/2015 12:21

just a question are you american?
if not she is being unreasonable everyone else is seated and waiting for the bride.

FelicityGubbins · 22/01/2015 12:25

Ask her if you can be an usher too, my sister was one of my ushers :D

BadtzMaru · 22/01/2015 12:30

I'd definitely do 1 and 2 and go with the tactful "DP would like walking down the aisle to be a special moment for him and DM" to try to get out of 3 but if she still insists I would just do it, it's only a small part of the day and then you can relax and enjoy yourself.

ChablisChic · 22/01/2015 12:35

If father of the bride is escorting his daughter down the aisle, it always used to be traditional/common courtesy that the mother of the bride was escorted down the aisle by a member of family or of the bridal party. It won't look weird at all (not saying you should do it, just pointing out that it wouldn't be unusual - but then I'm old, so it's maybe not the done thing any more)

Baliali31 · 22/01/2015 12:36

YANBU, I'd hate to have to walk down the aisle. I would probably do 1 if you sense it means a lot to bride but I'd rather be in my own bed too! Good luck!

AlorsMeh · 22/01/2015 12:37

Sorry to sound harsh but ... What a palaver over something so simple. She's asking you to ride in a car and walk down an aisle. It'll be over before you know it and none of the other guests will give it a second thought. You are over thinking this IMHO.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/01/2015 12:39

In this context 'walking down the aisle' really only = 'walking to your seat'. Yes, most of the other guests will be seated and you'll be walking with 2 other people, but it's not a promenade down the centre with flowers and music. It's just walking Smile

Only1scoop · 22/01/2015 12:39

Yanbu....

Just tell her you were looking forward to being a regular guest and don't want any responsibilities. All sounds like a show and a half. Blimey.

Original poster
dingdongdonna · 22/01/2015 13:19

TSSDN - "I'm going to look like I wanted to be a bridesmaid, but didn't make the cut" is EXACTLY how I think it will look.

SaucyMarte - no not American. But they are from a posh family.

AlorsMeh - it's hardly a palava. I just asked what people here thought about it. It hasn't caused arguments or even really been mentioned since she asked me. So I think the only overreaction was yours.

OP posts:
shovetheholly · 22/01/2015 13:25

I think she sounds thoughtful and caring, and genuinely wants you to be part of the day. I would go along with it.

I highly doubt anyone will think about you not 'making the cut' as a bridesmaid! If they do, they're vicious and not worth bothering with - but honestly, most nice people at a wedding are totally focused on the bride and groom and everyone else is pretty much invisible. There are some people who feel that everything in life is always about them - the kind of people who put up net curtains because they are convinced their lives are of so much interest to passers-by that they need to protect their privacy! No-one cares! Go with it, and have a great day!

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 22/01/2015 13:26

So she has three children: the bride, the maid of honour and an usher. Her husband is presumably walking the bride down the aisle. The MOH's partner is also an usher. The bride's partner obviously also has a starring role in the proceedings!

You are the one person in the nuclear family who doesn't have any special role. I think it's rather lovely that she's asked you to sit with her while all the others are carrying out their part in the ceremony. If she's anything like me you could be the Holder Of The Tissue Box.

TSSDNCOP · 22/01/2015 13:34

OP I've been considering Lonnys post. Can I beg you, DP and MIL to do the Thriller walk down the aisle Grin

marshmallowpies · 22/01/2015 13:56

Ohhh I'd forgotten that the 'whole party walking down the aisle' is an American thing - I went to a U.S. wedding a few years back and that was the first time I'd seen it done. I guess lots of US traditions catch on here if they get featured on wedding blogs and in magazines a lot....its a nice idea but not compulsory I'd say!

Shelby2010 · 22/01/2015 14:08

I think you should suck up 1 & 2, but get out of 3. Suggest that MIL would prefer a special moment with her son as mentioned by a previous poster & that you would feel much more useful at the back of the church helping make sure her dress & the bridesmaids' we're all straight as they set off down the aisle.

Chilicosrenegade · 22/01/2015 14:11

My mum would've killed stone dead with one raised eyebrow any one entertaining the idea of walking with her down the aisle.

Are u sure mil knows...? The idea isn't nearly as bad as mil saying "WHAT are you doing?" As you grab her arm at the top of the aisle to walk with her....!

    1. extremely strange.
Chilicosrenegade · 22/01/2015 14:13

Could you walk down to the monkeys?

"Here we come! Walking down the aisle! Get the funniest looks from everyone one greet!! Hey hey...."

Aeroflotgirl · 22/01/2015 14:13

Yanbu at all, it all seems strange, probably her way of trying to involve you. Just thank her, tell her that you would rather meet at the church/venue.

kaykayred · 22/01/2015 14:21

Dude, this is exactly when you plot together with your partner and act like a team!

Speak to your DP separately and say that you would feel super uncomfortable walking down the aisle, but don't want to hurt his sister's feelings. THEREFORE, could you put it forward as "DP is just so excited about me seeing him walk his mother down the aisle, and if I'm there with them then it spoils their special father/mother moment. I know it would mean SO MUCH to him if you could let him have this moment with his mother".

See how he feels about it. It's a totally reasonable thing to put out there, and means that everyone is happy. Of course, you do actually need to act like a team. If you DP is a complete berk that would say to his sister "ACTUALLY I DIDN'T CARE IT WAS ALL HER" then you are going to look like a prize A twat. So you have to be able to trust your DP.

For the getting ready, you could say "Look - if you genuinely hand on heart specifically want me to be there when you are getting ready, then I will be there for you. However, if I am being honest, I would much rather get that time to relax in the hotel on my own, and then get the full "WOW there's the bride!" effect when you come into the church".

If she is a nice person, then she will understand that. If she DGAF and wants you there, then you know where you stand, and you just have to suck it up.

Weddings are an essential event for couple's to teamwork it up. Work out in advance who is happy to take the blame for what on each side, or when you need to cover for the other person, and then go for it.

With a massive high five afterwards.

PicaK · 22/01/2015 14:22

She's being nice.
You have a house with her brother and have been together 3.5 years and yet you find it odd that she is starting to regard you as family. Most people in your shoes would be bristling if faced with the not-allowed-in-family-photos stunts that many brides pull.
Do you actually see yourself being with this guy long term?? Are your doubts manifesting themselves in you feeling odd about this?

mameulah · 22/01/2015 14:25

I would absolutely hate doing all 1, 2 and 3. And, having been roped into crap that wasn't my thing before I would definitely, definitely not do it.

And yes I would think numbers 2 and 3 were weird if I saw it!

AlorsMeh · 22/01/2015 14:27

Sorry didn't mean to get your dander up. I do think you are making a mountain out of a molehill though. Nobody, but nobody, unless they are very petty minded, will be thinking anything about you riding in the car or walking the MIL to her seat. It's just sounds like a kind offer from a nice woman that you are building up into something much bigger than the sum of its parts.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 22/01/2015 14:29

The Mother of the Bride is going to make some sort of formal entrance?

I personally find that weird. If DP is escorting her mother down the aisle, who is looking after his?

Can't you volunteer to do something essential but tedious like get to the church early and and check the flowers have been done to plan or something?
Bear in mind that often the bridal party will be getting their hair and make up done in the house on the morning of the wedding. It can be surprisingly disruptive and costly to add another person in. Could you say you had planned to get your hair put up in a local salon/nails done/or something on the morning of the wedding? Then, the only apt available was at 12 noon or similar so best to meet them there?

yellowdinosauragain · 22/01/2015 14:40

Tread the bride is the op's dh's sister. So the mother of the bride is his mum too.

Personally I'm with the ' your overthinking it' point of view. She's a nice person who is trying to include you as everyone else is included. It's one morning of your life. In the nicest possible way, suck it up.