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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel hurt when someone made unfavourable comment about my appearance?

73 replies

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 19:57

I don't want to feel hurt, so any tips on ignoring comments like this would be helpful!

I was talking to a colleague today who I don't know very well and she made a remark about a certain prominent feature of my face. (Clue: everyone has one. Some people's are daintier than others.)

I never particularly had an issue with this particular feature although it isn't my favourite. Put it this way, I struggle with self-esteem, as do many people, so in the long list of things that I would change if I could, this particular one wasn't at the top of the list. But I guess if this were Top of the Pops, it's made a new and high entry!

I'm hurt by the comment but it's not the annoyance with her that's the issue (although I was a bit annoyed). I'm worried about my self-esteem taking another battering. How do I stop dwelling on it and how do I stop it becoming another thing to feel down about when Iook in the mirror? I just wish she hadn't said it!

I'm almost 40 and it's hard enough when things start to be not quite as they were to have to start thinking, oh god, there's a whole new other thing for me to worry about / fear that everyone who looks at me is thinking I'm hideous.

NB. For context - am happily married and had enough admirers and satisfying relationships in the past to guess I don't frighten small children too much, but obviously, I'm no danger to Miss World, IYSWIM. I just want to not feel completely hideous.

OP posts:

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 21/01/2015 20:00

Ignore the comment. Or make a comment back about the overly prominent tongue of this person.

Some people are so rude and think that it is OK to voice every thought that comes into their head.

MrsWolowitz · 21/01/2015 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 20:09

Thanks. I am trying to ignore it but I'm the sort of person that will make a mental note of it, file it away and store it forever. My self-esteem is already fragile so it's a bit like I can't believe at this late stage in the game someone's given me yet another thing to feel a bit sad about.

The comment was not about said feature's 'bigness', which can be attractive if it were, but about its 'wideness'. Which is kind of depressing as there's not much you can do about that and yes, it's not that attractive. But it is very central to my face, so I am stuck with it and never knew people noticed / thought about it!

OP posts:

Original poster

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 20:11

Thanks Mrs - yes, it's not about bigness. Which doesn't detract from attractiveness at all IMHO, just its width .

OP posts:

Hatespiders · 21/01/2015 20:19

My dh is African and his nose is very wide and flat. It's the thing about him I love the most. Like you, he's self-conscious about it. But it's honestly very, very attractive to me. I often plonk a nice kiss on it.
People like you and my dh won't be convinced. You're happily married and have had admirers, but you still can't believe you're attractive.
I don't want to come across all psychological, but I'm wondering if you've had a difficult childhood where you were made to feel worthless? If so, maybe you'd benefit from a bit of counselling/therapy to restore your self-esteem?

OrangesJuicyOranges · 21/01/2015 20:20

I have a nose issue. My mum told me when I was growing up that she'd pay for me to have a nose job if I wanted one. I hadn't even noticed my nose when she started saying this! It's not too big, but she pointed it out and it's stayed with me forever.

Don't let this happen to you. Got nose is fabulous! Y

Original poster

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 20:23

hatespiders that's lovely. Yes and yes, to your questions. I had a very emotionally distant and quite domineering dad. I always think if if I'd been brought up being told I was a 'princess' I might have a bit more confidence.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 20:26

Thanks orange. I'm so sorry about your mum's comments - how destructive!

Yes, I'm worried about it staying with me forever being the sensitive flower wet blanket that I am!

OP posts:

ILovePud · 21/01/2015 20:26

Sorry this happened, it's often the case that we will remember and dwell upon insults far more than on compliments, maybe spend some time thinking and writing down some of those. Some people are just rude and others are deliberately nasty, do you think about your colleague had an agenda to hurt you or make you feel or insecure and would this help you to see her comment as driven by her own issues? I think most people (or maybe just most women) can think about times when an aspect of their appearance has been criticised and how hurtful that has been. I can think of examples of friends of mine who have been called fat and ugly who are very slim and by most standards very beautiful. At the end of the day people who make negative comments about other peoples' appearance like this are very shallow, stupid or spiteful.

pluCaChange · 21/01/2015 20:28

I love amothersplace's comeback about the overly prominent tongue!

Original poster

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 20:38

Thank you pud. Unfortunately, I only met her a few weeks back and the comment happened during our 'getting to know you' coffee! We'd been having a lovely chat up till that point! (And continued to do so afterwards. I smiled and laughed when she said it though I think something inside me died a little as I did so.)

She isn't from the UK originally and I know in some cultures it's perhaps not quite as taboo as it is here to make remarks about someone's appearance. (Especially one you've just met!)

OP posts:

hestialou · 21/01/2015 20:40

People who make comments like this just have too many faults themselves. If you are happy don't go changing for anyone xx

SaucyJack · 21/01/2015 20:45

Has a big conk ever stopped anyone from fancying Scarlett Johansson or Chezza TweedyColeFernandez-Versini? No. It has not.

It's the idiosyncrasies that give us character, and character is what makes you beautiful rather than pretty.

(I have a big nose. Can you tell?!)

Tinks42 · 21/01/2015 20:46

I had many a comment about my nose and was crippled by self-esteem issues due to this.

The icing on the cake was being out in a club one evening and some bloke said to me "You're very attractive despite your nose"

I saved for a couple of years and yes, had a nose job at the age of 40. It was the best thing I personally have ever done and wished I did it sooner.

Im not suggesting you do it OP but it's an option if it bothers you so much.

Original poster

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 20:47

Saucy - that's a lovely way of looking at it. I'll try to remember that! (How I wish I looked like Chezza or Scarlett though! )

OP posts:

Hatespiders · 21/01/2015 20:51

The trouble is, we tell ourselves to 'take no notice' or 'it's not me, it's them' but as you so poignantly put it, something inside you dies a little when people are hurtful. I think it could be helpful to devise for yourself a type of mantra of watchword to say inwardly which you've trained yourself to respond to. It's a kind of self-conditioning and can be quite a good defence against the pain of nasty remarks.
I was terribly thin from abuse and malnourishment as a child, and my parents called me a Belsen Horror (charming!) I was called Skinny at school, and the Galloping Hairpin. I used to mutter "But I'm not unkind like you!" to myself, and it did work quite well. I was proud that I might not be an oil painting, but I did try to be kind to others, which is far far better.

Theboodythatrocked · 21/01/2015 20:54

What a daft bitch!

Op you take no bloody notice. We all have our variations and that's what makes us gorgeous.

You are a princess. All women are.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 21/01/2015 20:59

It's the idiosyncrasies that give us character, and character is what makes you beautiful rather than pretty.

This! Quirks are what make us unique and special for it.

I used to hate my nose. It's grown on me since (heh). Someone made a really weird (and really loud, really public) observation about it once and funnily enough, at that point, I decided it was a fun nose to have there was so blatantly nothing I could do about it!

AmantesSuntAmentes · 21/01/2015 21:00

Italic fail...

FightOrFlight · 21/01/2015 21:03

I'd have been tempted to make her nose even wider than the one she was commenting on with a well aimed punch.

How fucking rude can people get?!

Original poster

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 21:04

Hatespiders I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That is such a good tip about a mantra and I will definitely, definitely be trying it!

And theboody - that made me laugh!

Thank you so much everyone, you've been fab

OP posts:

Blanketontheground · 21/01/2015 21:06

Only as we get older do we realise the true beauty of people.
In my heart I'm trying to be kind but she sounds like a total arse. If I could choose Id rather you be my mate than her.

Original poster

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 21:06

at fight and at 'it's grown on me' amantes.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThanksABunch · 21/01/2015 21:09

Thank you blanket likewise I'm sure I'd definitely have enjoyed a 'getting to know you coffee' much more with you than her!

Well, I certainly 'got to know her'!

OP posts:

squizita · 21/01/2015 21:09

It could be worse. The end of my nose has a cleft in like a tiny bum.
I have a bum nose. My own sister coined this phrase as a teen.

I'm sure no one else thinks it looks like a pixies bare arse but that's all I see!

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