To feel hurt when someone made unfavourable comment about my appearance?

[ThanksABunch]

I don't want to feel hurt, so any tips on ignoring comments like this would be helpful!

I was talking to a colleague today who I don't know very well and she made a remark about a certain prominent feature of my face. (Clue: everyone has one. Some people's are daintier than others.)

I never particularly had an issue with this particular feature although it isn't my favourite. Put it this way, I struggle with self-esteem, as do many people, so in the long list of things that I would change if I could, this particular one wasn't at the top of the list. But I guess if this were Top of the Pops, it's made a new and high entry!

I'm hurt by the comment but it's not the annoyance with her that's the issue (although I was a bit annoyed). I'm worried about my self-esteem taking another battering. How do I stop dwelling on it and how do I stop it becoming another thing to feel down about when Iook in the mirror? I just wish she hadn't said it!

I'm almost 40 and it's hard enough when things start to be not quite as they were to have to start thinking, oh god, there's a whole new other thing for me to worry about / fear that everyone who looks at me is thinking I'm hideous.

NB. For context - am happily married and had enough admirers and satisfying relationships in the past to guess I don't frighten small children too much, but obviously, I'm no danger to Miss World, IYSWIM. I just want to not feel completely hideous.

Rude people like her are superficial, shallow characters that see only the unimportant bits of somebody's exterior, but don't appreciate the personality, intelligence, empathy or humour inside. They're sad creatures, because no doubt in the future they'll come across wonderfully beautiful folk who are absolutely evil pigs, and they'll be drawn in and hoodwinked. Serve them right!

Your self worth is more than the way you look, you're not a piece of decoration but a living breathing person! As long as you're nice to people and live the life you want that's all that matters.
A while ago someone offered me a seat on the tube and for a day or so I was really self conscious that maybe my extra weight made me look pregnant. But I was surprised how quickly the feeling passed - it was just a few seconds of an otherwise lovely day so I decided it didn't warrant that much mental effort going over it in my head!

Can you imagine how awful she would be if Elle McPherson turned up for coffee?

I'm sure no one else thinks it looks like a pixies bare arse but that's all I see!

tears!

Squizita a pixie's arse sounds quite cute!

Hatespiders hear hear. I'll have to keep rereading your comments till I've got over this little episode.

Cos yes cassie the worst bit is the mental effort that goes into replaying what they said / did.

I'd forgotten about Elle 'The Body' McPherson!

I think I would pull her aside and tell her if she wants people to like her she needs to learn a few manners.

I have a friend with a largish nose but she is one of the most attractive people I know. She oozes confidence and personality and the men queue up to take her out.

The problem is hers not yours. Forgive her this time. Plan your come back next time.

a) What's wrong with a wide nose?

b) Look closely at the women who are lusted-after movie stars, pop stars or top models, if you headed down to Spearmint Rhino you'd find women that are far more theoretically beautiful than the wonky-faced superstars that are actually popular. I'd much rather be someone who has "something about her" than someone who looks like the perfect stripper.

c) I have had more than one old friend/colleague come on to me when a little tipsy with some variant of the bad chat up line "I'm weirdly attracted to you. It is so weird. I don't understand it." It is not a successful approach.

Ignore it. It says more about her then it does you. I know it doesn't sink in at first when someones says unkind things and then it goes round and round your head afterwards. She probably didn't mean to say it and hurt you and she no doubt has forgotten all about it. Try to put it to the back of your mind. I have a big nose and hate it, my brother thought it was so hilarious to call me a witch and ive never forgot it . Its kind of like Lady Gagas/ Paris Hiltons nose long and thin but I just think hey if it doesn't bother them and they seem happy.

GloopySoupy "You're so ugly, I can't explain why I fancy you!"
Good grief, what bastards!

Noses are brilliant! Not joking. They give so much character to faces. My nose isn't particularly big, but it is very erm, "solid" looking. Definitely not dainty. I think it's one of my best features. Others would maybe disagree. But opinions are like arseholes and everyone's got one so just puck and choose which ones you like.

My strategy is if anyone insults anything about you, thank them and gush about how much you love it. Totally confuses them. They'd have to be extremely rude to point out that it was meant as an insult. Bystanders find it hilarious. Also helps you not take it to heart.

Your nose is so wide -> Thank you! People don't usually notice but I love it! I'd hate having a little skinny nose! My face would look completely wrong. Would you like another cup of coffee?

Your bag looks cheap -> Thank you! I prefer not to look too expensive and all try too hard. Would you like another cup of coffee?

You have put on weight -> Thank you! I've been eating loads of lovely food recently. Can you recommend any good restaurants?

I hate your -> Thank you! I love it. We have such different tastes I take that as a compliment.

i have a large nose and I love it. It gives my face interest and character. I go through life knowing I'm beautiful - because I am. Other people may disagree, and that's ok, but who's to say they look any better?
at the end of the day you have a choice - to love yourself for how you are (and for better or worse) or to allow yourself to feel crappy just so some stranger can feel better about themselves by putting you down. you're too fabulous for her, cut her loooooooose!!!

Hatespiders Oi! I'm actually quite traditionally attractive. It's my personality they object to. I am something of a middle-aged battle-axe.

Gosh, she must be perfect eh?

You know what, my Dsis called me an unpleasant name about my appearance the time before I last saw her. I told DH how upset I was and that next time she did I was going to call her out on it. And you know what I did! It felt great to be assertive for once as since being children she's always picked on my appearance and generally trying to take me down a peg or two but only in a 'jokey way'

I saw her yesterday, not one word was mentioned about how I look. DH reckons Dsis has low self esteem/is jealous of me (lifestyle issues) - maybe your colleague is jealous of you/trying to assert herself in the pecking order?

I used to feel similar. I had no issue with my (Grecian) nose until I turned 14, at which point my friends started to make occasional unflattering references to it and to my very pronounced hourglass figure. I consequently spent my teens feeling very self-conscious about both features, even though I was vaguely aware that the teasing about the latter was due to jealousy and therefore I should really take the teasing about the former with a pinch of salt.

I stopped feeling self-conscious about my nose when I got to university, where I was surrounded by women from other parts of the world, some of whom had noses which were both larger and nicer than mine. (One of my former lecturers has the prettiest nose I have ever seen - it's very refined, medium size, and slightly aquiline, and really makes her look elegant and striking.)

The experience quite literally put my nose into perspective - I realised that my nose is larger than those of most of the people in the very white English town where I grew up, but it's well within the bounds of normal for most of the world's population. And it's straight, and quite a refined shape, and overall quite nice.

So I suppose my recommendation to cure your new self-consciousness would be to look at photos and videos of women from other parts of the world, to help recalibrate your eye for aesthetics.

Thanks all, who'd have thought such a sad afternoon could result in me laughing? You're all golden.

I'm practising my confounding responses gloopy.

You'lllikeit - funnily enough, I think Rachel Weisz has a 'solid nose' and I remember thinking how wonderful life would be if I looked like her! sad teenager type thought for a grown woman

(And no, it wasn't even because I fancied Daniel Craig.)

She's jealous, people have only two motives for being nasty 1. They're openly jealous 2. They don't realise they're jealous.

Please don't say she's not and of what, because you've already said you're happily married and there's probably lots of other positives that you wouldn't necessarily consider someone noticing or being jealous about, but you never know what bothers others or what they feel negative about.

An adult should know that it is extremely rude to make a personal remark about another person's appearance. You should have just walked away.

Gloopysoupy.....awesome!

If I thought the comment was clumsy and ill judged I would probably ignore it. Sometimes people say stupid things without thinking. I do this myself and I try to make allowances.

If, however, you believe the comment to be malicious, I would challenge it and repeat if they continue to do so.

How bloody rude of her! I'd never say something like that to someone unless THEY brought the subject up and I'd always be gentle-she just invited herself in!

If she wasn't trying to be rude, she certainly needs some lessons in tactfulness.

I assume she looks like a supermodel, does she?

We all have our 'imperfections' and even perfect isn't perfect. I guarantee the most stereotypically good looking people have things they are self conscious about.

Ignore people like this. They're either self conscious themselves and enjoy putting others down, or they're lacking in empathy and tact.

I remember when I'd just had a new skincare regime and just had botox so I was feeling pretty good, first thing my Mum said was 'Your teeth are looking a bit yellow, Sunflower!'

I'd never even had that issue about my teeth. They're not yellow at all, perhaps it was the light or something.

You're not being unreasonable to be hurt of course not. But you would be unreasonable to yourself, to let this silly woman get to you.