To feel hurt when someone made unfavourable comment about my appearance?

[ThanksABunch]

I don't want to feel hurt, so any tips on ignoring comments like this would be helpful!

I was talking to a colleague today who I don't know very well and she made a remark about a certain prominent feature of my face. (Clue: everyone has one. Some people's are daintier than others.)

I never particularly had an issue with this particular feature although it isn't my favourite. Put it this way, I struggle with self-esteem, as do many people, so in the long list of things that I would change if I could, this particular one wasn't at the top of the list. But I guess if this were Top of the Pops, it's made a new and high entry!

I'm hurt by the comment but it's not the annoyance with her that's the issue (although I was a bit annoyed). I'm worried about my self-esteem taking another battering. How do I stop dwelling on it and how do I stop it becoming another thing to feel down about when Iook in the mirror? I just wish she hadn't said it!

I'm almost 40 and it's hard enough when things start to be not quite as they were to have to start thinking, oh god, there's a whole new other thing for me to worry about / fear that everyone who looks at me is thinking I'm hideous.

NB. For context - am happily married and had enough admirers and satisfying relationships in the past to guess I don't frighten small children too much, but obviously, I'm no danger to Miss World, IYSWIM. I just want to not feel completely hideous.

am happily married and had enough admirers and satisfying relationships in the past to guess I don't frighten small children too much, but obviously, I'm no danger to Miss World, IYSWIM

Sorry I know this is not the point but this made me laugh. You certainly sound a lot wittier and more interesting than Miss World.

I know what you mean (in your OP) - your "friend" sounds insensitive. I am self-conscious about my wonky teeth (which is not the same as having a perfectly acceptable nose, they really are wonky), and my dc regularly mention them .

Coincidentally I wished my nose were straight for a lot of my teenage years (it has a "Roman" bump on it and in fact my mother was actually Roman - though apparently there is no connection), but I have quite liked it for years now.

Don't think I've helped much sorry, but just to say that I think you are more than the sum of your parts as it were, and people do not see only one feature. They see your face in its entirety, your character shining through, your smile etc...

Hugs

It's peculiar how these critical people almost seem to know how to hit the spot. It's like we wear our self-belief (or lack of) on our sleeve.

My Dad wasn't particularly helpful about my appearance growing up; no doubt I went through an ugly duckling/geeky teenager phase. I'm happy to say I saw a counsellor some years ago and addressed the issue because I had developed an ugliness complex.

I can now honestly say that there is no-one in this world who can make me feel bad about my appearance because I am 100% happy and 100% do not care. If talking to a professional may help, if this is a bit of a theme for you then I heartily recommend.

She sounds awful.

I think the thing is when you know and like people you don't see them anymore, feature by feature. You see the whole thing and the energy they give off and that's what you are attracted by (friends and lovers - sorry to use naff word there).

When you examine yourself as you are you see all sorts that's wrong but think about how you see others and you'll recall it's not about precise nose shape.

(Wonky teeth, receding chin, slightly goofy. Overall still got something )

Of course the person was insensitive and rather nasty to comment on anything to do with you.

Sometimes there is no amount of therapy or others counteractive constructive comments that can make a difference and surgery may be an answer. Just saying. We can change a feature relatively cheaply these days and Im a bit of an advocate on doing this. It made it go away, I now don't even have to "make myself strong" tell myself it's their problem.

I have a nose that suits my face.

I'm glad that worked for you Tinks, but as I'm prone to low self-esteem generally, I think it's best if I just work on learning to love myself and not take others' views or comments to heart.

Only because if I fix that then there will still be something else to fix, and then something else, and then something else, and I may still end up struggling to love myself.

I've really liked people's suggestions here just to work on appreciating what matters more. And things like people being more than the sum of their parts, and kindness and energy being what people love you for.

Of course - writing that I feel so good, but when I wake up tomorrow it's another day, and it's a battle sometimes trying to stay positive and happy when you're prone to self doubt / negative thoughts!

What does your husband say about this? Does he make you feel cherished, tell you, you are beautiful? I don't get this much self doubt when you say you are in a happy fulfilling relationship.

I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from and the immediate support you have around you.

Hi yes, he does. But I think my low self esteem stems from childhood, and it seems to be that once the damage is done it's hard to undo.

It doesn't help that I worry people will think I'm not good enough for my lovely husband either!

I've always thought that, so this woman's comments really didn't help.

There's a thread on active at the moment about 'do people have crushes on your DP' and I'm amazed at how confident the posters are, saying yes but they're not worried as they feel secure. I wish I could be like that so much.

Im going to be blunt here op and probably get a major kicking for it.

Your past is NOT your future. Hopefully we learn from it and never ever to do that to others.

Past is just that, its gone.

You can never change what some other person did to you then but you CAN not dwell on it and see it as a positive shaper for who YOU want to be.

Wallowing in the past negativity just brings your whole family and everything about it down. Its a self fulfilling prophecy and a rather selfish thing to do....

No, I do agree with what you say. It is very negative! Actually though, I was feeling much more positive after everyone's comments in here. I only told you about why I think I have that tendency to 'dwell' after you asked me to delve deeper and explain why I am the way I am.

The only thing I disagree with is the selfish bit. I hate being this way (having low self esteem), and have tried so hard over the last ten years to change it. I can't tell you how many self help books I've bought over the years - or meditation classes I've been to! - to try and change it. If there was a magic pill to swallow you can bet I'd be queuing up.

So when people make unkind comments it just knocks me back a bit more than it would someone who is more robust and has better self belief.

But the comments on here and support have been fantastic and believe me they've done the world of good to help me try and brush the negative comment off. (And not add it to the list of 'why I'm not good enough'!)

i think this is a funny one as I always tend to presume that most people are not nasty. That they don't deliberately say things to upset others. I know that some people presume the exact opposite of this. I don't remeber anyone ever saying anything other than the usual childhood teasing to try and hurt my feelings on purpose. ( I am not a stunner with a perfect figure) I have had plenty of comments about my appearance. I am sure others will have gone home and cried. Sometimes I have made changes due to comments. I have never been upset about comments though.
Just because a wide nose to you is unattractive, doesn't mean the same is the case for the person commenting. They may think it is positively delicious!

OP

I had someone in a reception room, a teenager, who said I looked like Kermit the Frog!!

I do have massive baggy eyes and been told I look like a frog a few times now.

My husband has a big nose and it has never stopped anyone fancying him. It's about the whole package.

My ex said to me when my nephew was born 'poor bugger he's got your nose'. Whaaaaaat?! Up until that point I was quite happy with my nose, I thought it was perfectly standard. And I'd been going out with him for years at that point and he'd never said anything. I asked what was wrong with my nose, apparently it was 'bulbous'. Nice. I've been a bit very self conscious about it ever since. One of the many reasons he's an ex.

Buuuut, my point is it was just one person that said it and it was just his perspective. Same as the silly bitch that said it to you.

I've asked practically every boyfriend since if they think my nose is, erm, large, and they've all said no although perhaps now I'm a bit fatter and my nose is more in scale

It sounds like you have many many good features and are a lovely person, who cares if your nose is a few millimetres wider than someone else's. It will also be a few millimetres narrower than many people's. And really, that's all facial differences are, millimetres. Weird how we all get so hung up about that isn't it....

ThanksaBunch
Sometimes when people say outrageous things, there's a delay in processing and responding to what they've said, because at the time, you're focused on questioning whether you've heard them correctly. You then have the added irritation of possibly wishing you'd said more at the time/handled the conversation differently.

In terms of dealing with this so it doesn't dent your self confidence, I would suggest that every time it comes to mind (and it may well do for a while, it was a hurtful and unexpected thing to say), then go through the logical reasons why it's not fair to let the comment affect how you feel about yourself.

Taking on board one person's comment is unscientific - your colleague's comment is not representative. Her judgment is also questionable because making uninvited personal comments to others is inappropriate.

Her comment to you is probably not a one-off - it's likely that she's made inappropriate comments to other people. Rather than focusing on what she said, focus on the fact that her behaviour is unusual. I think most people come away with overall impressions or feelings about a person and do not focus on individual physical features (or even recall them afterwards). Besides, what a person is, what they do, how they relate to others are far more important than their physical features. (And how physical features function is the important thing, not how they look.)

It might be worth thinking of a simple response that you could use in future, so you have the confidence that anything similar is unlikely to dent you.

If you're going to focus on an image of yourself OP, think about all the positive stuff you've told us in your OP - lovely husband, previous good relationships etc. You know yourself better than this random colleague does.

My mum taught me a great line. I only had to try it once. Going back many years I was telling a colleague about a ball I was going to.

Must add I've Always been sensitive about my baby fine hair. Talking about the dress etc and she said " such a pity about your hair though you are going to do something with it?" Sneery face. Remembered mums advice I looked at her dreamily "oh I just wish I was as beautiful as you. " worked a treat. Cut 'em dead. Some people are so rude.

Hi all, I'm so sorry I was on the move yesterday and couldn't get enough reception to log in and see these further posts sophie, U2, nooyear, fascicle and biggie.

I just wanted to say thank you so much - your comments have really meant the world to me and cheered me up so much, I can't tell you. Made me laugh and so many really really useful tips too!

I'll be saving this thread and reading it back whenever I get down. Hopefully if others have a similar experience and find this thread, it will help them too. Thank you, lovely MN

I think confidence is the key to attractiveness. Some of the most attractive people aren't the prettiest if you actually look at their feature. I have a feature that I could have had corrected in the past. I have chosen not to as I am not defined by my physical appearance. People who are worth anything will not be affected by it and anybody who is affected by it, is not worthy of my attention. Be confident that people are atrracted to you/like you for who you are, rather than one feature in isolation.

Be confident.

That bitch liked you enough to want to have coffee with you

Completely understand. A few years ago a few if us were getting ready for a night out and one of them commented that I had really small eyes and my glasses make them look smaller then gave me make up tips. She wasn't being mean but I'd never noticed that I had small.eyes and became.so paranoid

Work colleagues mentioned to me several times my passing resemblance to Sally gunnell and celine dion.

I know why. It hurts. That's normal.

I'm still prettier!

The thing that helps me whenever I don't like anything something about my body or looks is to remember how amazing my body is.
It may not look perfect but has done everything I've asked from it over the years and has looked after me.
My nose has allowed me to breathe and so is beautiful
My slightly flabby stomach held three children
My white hair is a sign of the life I've lived

It helps me.

Quangle has it right. I once worked with a man who seemed to have a massive shaved head. It was sort of bulbous at the top above the ears. Not a handsome man at all in my book. After getting to know him, admire the way he worked, chatting about family things, divorce, whether I should go to Oz for an extended holiday, all the everyday normal things. I actually realised I fancied him, big head and all. In fact his head no longer looked big to me. Never told him though (about fancying him), but I wish I had.
No one is perfect. Sort your retort out in case you feel you need one and ignore. We are all beautiful to someone.

Thanks everyone, so comforting.

Solo I thought you were going to do a 'Reader, I married him'!

No, sadly not! maybe if I'd had the nerve to chat him up...ah well! too late now! :)