to be so upset by dsis's comments?

[kaylasmum]

My dsis is 2 years older than me, i've always felt like i'm in her shadow. I got the impression that my parents preferred her over me as we were growing up. She's much slimmer than me and much more confident.

For the most part we get on pretty well but she has the habit of just saying what she wants, especially to me! I admit i'm quite sensiitive and can take things personally but i just feel that it's better to think before you speak and i certainly would hate to think that my careless comments could cause upset to anyone.

Yesterday we were talking about having a family get together, we do this now and again. I said it would be better at my house as we have young dcs, her kids are adults. She said that's fine as long as we have decent music, i asked her what she meant by that, her reply was " it means the music you listen to is crap!" I was taken aback by that and felt it was rude. She tends to always put "lol" after she says something down putting.

Maybe i just need to lighten up but i always feel that she's putting me down. She's critiscised my parenting, my housekeeping, the speed at which i walk, my timekeeping amongst other things. Part of me wants to really have it out with her but then i think maybe its better to leave it cos maybe she does'nt realise that itd upsetting. So.......aibu?

Gonna just try to give the same back from now on and try not to let it get to me.

Tbh, I suspect I'm menopausal and am signed off work now for 3 weeks due to stress. Everything seems so much worse right now. I appreciate all of your comments, thanks.

I think you've just fallen into a pattern, she says whatever she likes, you take it, whether you like it or not and it all just meanders along. If you comment back, that upsets the balance and you get accused of being 'touchy' as it's not the norm.

The things you've quoted on here do sound quite petty, but I think it's more about quantity than quality. It's a really hard habit to break, especially when it's become so entrenched - agree that sometimes agreeing with the comments kind of turns it around & puts them back on the spot instead.

I had similar issues with my eldest sister & noticed as I got older,married, dc the comments got slightly more snippy. I found turning them around helped, I did call her on a particularly vicious comment & she not spoken to me since! Although very good at giving it out, seems she couldn't take it back, have to say, after the initial shock, I don't miss the drama of it all & looking back now I can't believe some of the crap she came out with

The more examples you give though, the pettier / more oversensitive you sound.
Nothing about the pizza or sunglasses comment is offensive, critical, or a put down - it's just the way most people would chat to close family or close friends. When you don't know someone very well, then you are restrained and polite, but as you get to know someone as a closer friend, or obviously it's usually there with siblings as they've known each other all their lives - then, in most families you can be a bit more blunt, or less tactful or however you want to put it. Most families call it having a laugh or having a bit of banter. That's the way most people are.
You have asked - in AIBU - if you are unreasonable to be upset by such comments. I have to say that YABU - being as you asked.
I certainly wouldn't want to spend my 'down time' in the company of anyone who picked over every off the cuff remark and analysised if there were anything about it that they could count as being offensive - as another poster said, it sounds like very hard work and not relaxing at all.

But I go back to my earlier post to ask - why, if you think she is being rude and critical and putting you down, would you choose to spend your holidays with her ?

I understand, OP. A drip drip drip of seemingly trivial things can have a terrible effect.
little comments, eye rolling, a sigh here a sigh there, a little laugh at you, the feeling that your parents are teaming up with your sibling to laugh at you, silly comments about some aspect of you that is just not quite good enough... It erodes you over time
when you try to describe it, none of the incidents sound like anything.
but years and years of tiny little comments can crush you and you become so hypersensitive about it that you notice every cough, every sigh, every glance between them.
And people outside it tell you that it's nothing, that the particular comment you detail is nothing
and they're right. It isn't.

but 40odd years of little comments sure as hell is!

She should probably dial it back a bit because it bothers you, but to be honest you do sound oversensitive. You say she gives out to you for taking ages to get ready to go out, for example, but then you say your family does take forever to go out. So why shouldn't she say so?
Other examples sound like perfectly normal things that siblings say to each other. They are some of the few people you don;t have to be polite to, you've known each other your entire lives, ribbing and giving out is entirely natural.

You cannot change her, only the way you react to her. She's an insensitive cow, but you are conditioned into being the victim. It is so hard with families because the dynamic is ingrained from your earliest memories.

Personally she wouldn't bother me. My self esteem is high enough to have told her to fuck off and thought no more about it. You need to get yourself to that place. Easier said than done. I'm sure she'd make a massive big deal of it if you challenged her, making you out to be in the wrong.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is you have my sympathy, she's a cow. You have to not care if the silly bitch loves or hates your musical taste or if you're wearing sunglasses or not.

The thing is, Electric, a "fuck off" in the situations the OP describes would almost guarantee to get her sis to say she is being over sensitive. The sunglasses, the pizza and particularly the comments about the family taking ages to get ready (when they actually DO take ages, with the result that it is comment-worthy! Perhaps it made them all late for their meal and so your sister felt aggrieved?) all sound like normal family banter/interaction to me, especially in ones that are close and who know each other well. She sounds much more assertive than you and so more likely to voice her opinion on things that annoy her amongst family. Hence the comment about you all taking ages to get ready. Should she just bottle up that stuff? Keep all her comments to herself except for positive affirmation of each action you do?

Even if she were to say you looked nice in a new dress or something I have difficult in believing that you would actually take her comment that way. If I were her I would feel I would have to watch exactly what I said and how I said it.

The problem is not what she says but how they are said though, I suppose. If she is saying all this stuff with a really scathing look or a nasty tone or with a tut and a roll of her eyes then I think you are well within your rights to be getting fed up with her. But if it's just said in a normal way...well, I'm struggling to find fault with her really. Your comment about havig to have a get together at yours because you have young children would have had me inwardly rolling my eyes actually - I thought you meant toddler/babies but they are 8 and 11, why does it have to be at yours? Maybe SHE was annoyed at that and kept that to herself?

You COULD confront her and tell her the examples you've given us. But I have a feeling that you and she are different people. She and her friends probably think that is normal banter/interaction (I do, too, if it's not done Ina scathing way each time), and she is too different in personality to you to understand what it is that you're getting upset about. You'll only end up feeling even worse.

Personally I would work on my self-esteem so that I try and not see her every (non-scathing) comment about what you do as "having a go" at you. I think your childhood memory will have had a massive effect on the sibling dynamic and your feelings of inferiority towards her.

Finally, if you don't end up feeling any less inferior when she's around then there's only one thing for it, isn't there? You'll just have to spend less time together. No need for a big announcement. But if she ever asks you why you don't want to go on holiday with them etc you could just say "well, we have a different way of operating on holiday I think, so we're better having separate ones." YOUR way of taking a long time to get ready isn't wrong if that's what you like to do, but I can totally understand why someone who likes to get ready quickly would find hanging around for everyone else very frustrating. Unless of course the problem was that she hogged the shower first and so was hanging around waiting for you to have one - in that case she's a selfish cow and should have taken turns!!!

You're just different personality types I think. Youcan let it get to you and then don't see her at all, or try and shrug off what you see as her shortcomings with a bit of banter back, and carry on seeing her.

This sounds like my relationship with my brother!!! I'm a strong independent women and my younger brother takes great pleasure in being horrible/nasty to me all the time and generally after a visit from him, I feel rubbish and gleam no pleasure from our time together. I have finally realised that I'm not putting up with it and have stopped seeing him so often. It helps if I meet him at a mutual place. Be brave and spend more time with your family and not including her so much. If she asks why, just tell her that you don't enjoy her company anymore and why!!

Ok, I said my dcs and dp take a while to get ready to go out, I don't! There are four of us as opposed to the two of them, I think it's to be expected that we will take longer.

She had no issue whatsoever about coming to mine, I only mentioned that it would be easier at mine for the kids. These get togethers can go on until the early hours sometimes and if we go to hers and we want to leave earlyish, about midnight she accuses me of being a spoilsport ans boring. It's cold and I don't want to be dragging my kids out in the early hours.

I'm actually pretty easygoing and don't consider myself to be hard work.

Have the gathering at yours as planned Op ....if she moans about the sounds just say ....'you sort the decks then Lisa Lashes' and have a

My brother has changed since my parents have died, he now treats me how he treated my Mum and I'm not standing for it. Even my children don't like being with their so negative, miserable Uncle. So, if you do say something, your Dsis will know that she is upsetting you. My brother has no idea why I'm not seeing him as much, he's that thick. I wish you luck, please just live your own life and not be upset by it. I totally understand how you feel.

Op I've found that people generally know exactly what they are doing. It may be that the posters on here who say you are reacting to nothing are right because for them, in their lives they really do have banter like this (i do with one of my friends)

However, people also know when they are giving you death by a thousand cuts even if they pretend they are not.
All the tiny glances, comments, actions. All designed to be so innocuous that you end up feeling petty and oversensitive for being upset.

Most of us know, if we are honest, when what we say is banter or otherwise. Your sister does and she knows you.

I've no advice other than trust yourself and your judgement /instincts. And if you find that hard trust your dh who has confirmed it to you through his own observations.

Till the early hours?! And you consider midnight to be early?! Ha ha - I am much more boring than you then, I would have well left by then (and my kids are the same as yours).

So she calls you boring for leaving at midnight? She's forgotten what it's like with kids if hers are adults. I can understand why being called boring when you're leaving for a very good reason might rile you. I would have felt the same as you a few years back. But now I just laugh at people who say those things and as well as pointing out the obvious ("the kids need their sleep - it's not fair on them") if they carry on drunkenly moaning that I'm boring I just laugh and agree "yes, yes, whatever" while inwardly looking forward to my bed and feeling thankful that I'm out of the boring drunk talk!

And if the only reason she was saying you were all taking a long time was because there are more of you and only two of them then it just shows that she's not too bright if the reason why is obvious. I would have looked down my nose at HER and pulled her up on that comment "yes, but there's 4 of us and only 2 of you, you nitwit!"

She sounds like she's at a different stage in her life to you and has forgotten about the responsibilities that kids bring. And a bit self-absorbed.

You need to start thinking of yourself not only as her equal but actually that you're a bit above her - she sounds dim/self-absorbed enough to fail to recognise that other people have needs/wants different to her whereas you are not. That's a failing on her part. So she's not the superior person here.

Once you start to realise that you'll find it easier to act more assertive towards her/take what she says with a pinch of salt.