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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be so upset by dsis's comments?

88 replies

kaylasmum · 20/01/2015 11:08

My dsis is 2 years older than me, i've always felt like i'm in her shadow. I got the impression that my parents preferred her over me as we were growing up. She's much slimmer than me and much more confident.

For the most part we get on pretty well but she has the habit of just saying what she wants, especially to me! I admit i'm quite sensiitive and can take things personally but i just feel that it's better to think before you speak and i certainly would hate to think that my careless comments could cause upset to anyone.

Yesterday we were talking about having a family get together, we do this now and again. I said it would be better at my house as we have young dcs, her kids are adults. She said that's fine as long as we have decent music, i asked her what she meant by that, her reply was " it means the music you listen to is crap!" I was taken aback by that and felt it was rude. She tends to always put "lol" after she says something down putting.

Maybe i just need to lighten up but i always feel that she's putting me down. She's critiscised my parenting, my housekeeping, the speed at which i walk, my timekeeping amongst other things. Part of me wants to really have it out with her but then i think maybe its better to leave it cos maybe she does'nt realise that itd upsetting. So.......aibu?

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/01/2015 12:08

The standard response of many bullies is to accuse their victim of being "too touchy", "too sensitive" or "unable to take a joke". How would she react if you spoke to her in the way she spoke to you?

HolyTerror · 20/01/2015 12:13

Then make her experience the consequences of her rudeness - if she accuses you of touchiness, simply say you don't want to be around someone who is so continually negative about you, that as she can imagine it's tiresome and boring, and you think maybe you should see less of one another. Say you thought she'd be relieved not to have to come over to listen to your crap music or go on a night out where you walk too slowly. Put the focus back on her behaviour, not on your response. But are you really prepared to rock the boat? You sound quite entrenched in the relationship.

SaucyMare · 20/01/2015 12:17

in our family the music things would be banter, as my sister and i both like different music/clothes/men and we say this stuff all the time.

so i would say toughen up, think of a few replies for the superficial stuff (like examples above)

a simple "no way, yours is the crap music" it doesn't need to be big or clever.

and for anything deeper "that was uncalled for take it back" is a good response.

But if you both like dance music, you both have rubbish taste!!!!!!

Original poster

kaylasmum · 20/01/2015 12:32

Think i'm just gonna have to grow a thicker skin. I do sometimes give back a snide comment, but would prefer to not have to in the first place.

I have a lot of stress in my life at the moment and feel quite vulnerable atm so it's getting to me more than usual. I'll either ignore her comments or tell her to fuck right off! :-D

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 20/01/2015 12:33

Yep - you being touchy is her way of saying "you have no right to tell me I can't be be a bitch to you." Just reply "Possibly I'm being touchy about you being bitchy, but that doesn't mean it's ok for you to carry on being a bitch." or "yep, I'm being touchy, so why not try not being rude to me and I'm in no mood to smile while you're being a cowbag?" (ideally with a head tilt)

Basically, if you are being touchy or over reacting, you need to point out that doesn't make what she said ok. It's your job to accept her shit from her point of view. Refuse. Keep refusing.

LadyLuck10 · 20/01/2015 12:52

The best way to deal with this is to meet her just you both and be honest with her about how you feel. Yes this instance yabu, but if it's constant put downs then you need to address it.
Canceling the evening is just avoiding the issue that will continue the next time you see her.
Speak to her, if anything comes out of it at least you have let her know how she makes you feel and then it's up to her to correct her behaviour or not.

SuperFlyHigh · 20/01/2015 13:02

I'd be tempted (very PA this) to have it out with her, in a way that if you needed to you can tell her right to her face exactly what you don't like her saying to you and why (the extra stress you have).

Very much a confrontation and a risk but you may get some things off your chest and also she may feel after your outburst (I'd really do this) that now you've said it, these things matter to you. And she won't say them again.

She sounds very thick skinned, you're thin skinned so that's what I'd do.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 20/01/2015 13:04

Hi kaylasmum,

The advice given by Beggars quite near your original post is good advise. As is thta given by MaryWestmacott at 12:330 on 20/01.

I wouldn't accept those comments from a friend so why should they be acceptable from a blood relative? Are we supposed to just suck up more hurt because the comments come from a relative?

I don't think you need to grow thicker skin. I think you do need to become more assertive in your replies to her and for her to stop using you as a punchbag for her snide comments. As I've said, others have given good tips on how to respond to her the next time she is so brazen!

Best of luck to you!

SuperFlyHigh · 20/01/2015 13:07

If you do as Mary says (I can sort of see the reasoning) then you run the risk of dancing round her and admitting you're touchy (maybe without good reason to her mind) to what she says.

what LadyLuck says is a better idea talking with her about it quietly but be aware that she may either dismiss your concerns (you're too touchy!) etc or make it into more. I've had this from another half sister of mine (very bossy always likes her own way, now we're NC!).

Also you could point out, yes I'm sensitive etc - this is the way I am (I'm the same as you sensitive!) so she actually knows this and knows it's upsetting you, she may be oblivious or not know it upsets you. Also point out that you both generally get along, you value her as a sister etc.

MargotLovedTom · 20/01/2015 13:10

I think I'd just go for brevity: "Oh fuck off!". Any further criticisms: "Fuck off with your negative comments." Accompanied with an eye roll, a head shake and a sardonic smile.

DoJo · 20/01/2015 13:13

I don't think you necessarily need to have a showdown with her, but next time you call her on something and she claims that you are touchy or over sensitive, say something like

'Well, given that you know I'm sensitive and that these comments upset me, why do you still criticise me all the time?'

It might give her pause for thought and she might think about how she interacts with you. There's nothing wrong with saying what you've said here though, that you love her and you enjoy spending time with her and it makes you sad that so many of your interactions with her are negative and make you feel bad about yourself. If she carries on, you know she is being callous, but if she really values your relationship then she should try to change her behaviour.

MaryWestmacott · 20/01/2015 13:31

Superfly - see what you are saying, but I tend to feel once you own being 'touchy' you stop it being something that they can both see as a failing in the OP. "So what if I'm touchy, that doesn't make you being rude ok." Calling you 'touchy' is a distraction - it's not saying "I wasn't being rude" it's saying "It doesn't matter if I was being rude, you are the one in the wrong because you shouldn't react to my rudeness".

OP - perhaps it helps if you realise that everytime your Sister says you are being touchy or oversensitive, what she's really doing is acknowledging what she said was rude and wrong, but she's saying your reaction to her rudeness was worse than what she said. Effectively, she's admitting to being rude. Everytime she says "touchy" or "oversensitive" she's not denying you interpretting what she said incorrectly, it was meant as an insult, it was meant to be rude, it's just she didn't expect you to react the way you did to her rude insult.

You all agree she was rude, it's just she doesn't believe she's wrong to be rude and you are in the wrong for being upset, and you are wrong for expecting an apology. That's what 'touchy' and 'oversenstive' means.

AliceLidl · 20/01/2015 13:33

I like what Mary suggests, and I also like Margot's suggestion.

But perhaps you could reply with "I'm not being touchy, but you are always so rude to me / so negative about everything I do / complaining at me all the time over nothing / such a miserable fucking cow, so it's hard to listen to you without feeling fed up of it."

You could add LOL to the end if that would make her feel better.

YackityUnderTheMistletoe · 20/01/2015 13:33

A brief 'put a sock in it would you?' or 'oh enough already! You really do go on!' should do the trick nicely!

BackforGood · 20/01/2015 13:48

I think YABU and touchy about the comments - sounds like normal sibling banter to me. It's not criticism - lots of people have different taste in music, and some of the stuff is therefore, in the other person's opinion, "crap". It's not a reflection on you, just an acknowledgement of differences.
If you have different expectations from holidays (eg - a relaxing hour to get ready or a quick nip in and out and make the most of each night type approach) then don't go on holiday together. I get on fine with my sister but I couldn't holiday with her as we are very relaxed, watches off, eat when hungry, get up when wake up type people, and she likes to have everything planned and organised and busy for each day. Neither of us is right or wrong, just different, so we acknowledge that and don't go away together.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 20/01/2015 15:22

Backforgood - just want to say, i dont really see it as sibling banter as i don't criticise her in this way, i just would'nt!

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I just remembered a couple of other pointless comments from my dsis from last years holiday. I had pizza for tea and was using a knife and fork to cut it up, she took the piss out of me for that, asking why i did'nt just pick it up. I did'nt want to get my hands greasy as was dressed up for a night out. The other one was, id put sunglasses on to go to the shops, my adult dd put hers on too, we walked through the restaurant where my dsis and my dn were sitting and my dsis shouted out " look at you two posing with your sunglasses on" that embarrased me as i never wear sunglasses as i don't think they suit me, so o never wore them again. God this sounds so petty but it makes me feel like shit.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 20/01/2015 15:24

Blimey Op you sound like hard work.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 20/01/2015 15:41

Only1scoop- why do you say that?

OP posts:

BaronessBomburst · 20/01/2015 16:03

Because she's being a bitch.

It's an often trotted out MNism.
Just ignore it.

Probably get deleted for that, but hey ho.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 20/01/2015 16:13

Ah right maybe she's been getting lessons from my dsis

OP posts:

BaronessBomburst · 20/01/2015 16:26

Or is your DSis an MNer?

limegoldfinewine · 20/01/2015 16:28

I think the problem is that the examples you've provided could be that of a mean bully or just sibling banter! I would totally make a TOWIE joke if my sisters walked through a restaurant with sunglasses on. The different is that they would probably start pretend posing as a joke and we would all end up laughing.

I think the real problem is that she triggers your insecurities so you treat absolutely everything she says as criticism.

my dsis shouted out " look at you two posing with your sunglasses on" that embarrased me as i never wear sunglasses as i don't think they suit me, so o never wore them again

See, it wasn't that she embarrassed you in the restaurant, it's that you are insecure about how you look and defensive about anything that comes out of her mouth. Just to play devil's advocate slightly, it must be exhausting on her end to always have to bite her lip because you will make every interaction about your insecurity.

I think you should tell her how you feel but be aware that she might be happy to reduce contact rather than walk on eggshells around you for the rest of her life.

Only1scoop · 20/01/2015 16:36

I'm not your ds op and I'm certainly not a bitch.

Had to check for a moment I was in AIBU....

I just find the Incidents regarding the music....pizza not particularly offensive. Such as 'look at you two posing in those sunglasses' she may have thought you looked great and it's just her way? My friends and family are well into banter and this would be quite regular exchange.

However you are a more sensitive soul than me and mine by the sounds of things....perhaps 'hard work' wasn't the nicest phrase and for that I apologise.

Quite tame for AIBU though

Only1scoop · 20/01/2015 16:37

Limegold puts it far better than me.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 20/01/2015 16:40

Limegold- you're actually wrong. There is a difference between banter and taking the Piss! We were in Turkey and were going to the shop, it was a really sunny day and I had a headache, my dp suggested I wear the sunglasses. It was'nt an enclosed restaurant, it was open.

If I think I'm being oversensitive about her comments I tend to ask a family member if they think I am, more often than not they don't think I am. Even my dp is getting pissed off with her comments. Normally I try to give back as good as I get but it's not in my nature to make people feel like shit.

I walk on eggshells where she is concened, actually a lot of people do

OP posts:

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