to be so upset by dsis's comments?

[kaylasmum]

My dsis is 2 years older than me, i've always felt like i'm in her shadow. I got the impression that my parents preferred her over me as we were growing up. She's much slimmer than me and much more confident.

For the most part we get on pretty well but she has the habit of just saying what she wants, especially to me! I admit i'm quite sensiitive and can take things personally but i just feel that it's better to think before you speak and i certainly would hate to think that my careless comments could cause upset to anyone.

Yesterday we were talking about having a family get together, we do this now and again. I said it would be better at my house as we have young dcs, her kids are adults. She said that's fine as long as we have decent music, i asked her what she meant by that, her reply was " it means the music you listen to is crap!" I was taken aback by that and felt it was rude. She tends to always put "lol" after she says something down putting.

Maybe i just need to lighten up but i always feel that she's putting me down. She's critiscised my parenting, my housekeeping, the speed at which i walk, my timekeeping amongst other things. Part of me wants to really have it out with her but then i think maybe its better to leave it cos maybe she does'nt realise that itd upsetting. So.......aibu?

from the examples you have given I would find you a bit of hard work too really.. the comments your sister has made are not nasty or especially critical..

OP - since your other posts re her comments re the pizza and sunglasses it really does sound petty and like sibling banter. You do I have to say with those comments sound like you really have to have her walking on eggshells with you.

The pizza incident was just one of many comments, eventually it starts to get to you. I don't go running off in tears but I feel upset, especially when its brought to everyone else's attention. I'm quite shy and get embarrassed easily. My dsis is well aware of this

I did say those things were petty. I can assure you she does

OP I'm just struggling as to why you can't/couldn't shrug it off? those comments just sound normal.

it's almost like you want to start something with her.

Whilst I appreciate she is upsetting you you do sound quite defensive. In response to her music comment you did ask her to clarify and her response upset you.

She is 50 and your sibling, she is not going to change and either you need to avoid her or you need to learn to just brush off her comments. If you like your music then its not crap and you can play what you like in your house so ignore, don't rise to it and ignore some more.

You need some help with your confidence, not wearing sunglasses because of a comment like that is really daft imho i'm not trying to make you feel bad but getting upset by these comments is just making your self esteem worse.

YABU Ragging people about their musical tastes is a 'thing', especially between close friends and family.It isn't rude.Honestly!

She does not walk on eggshells. She treats people with disdain. She has an older male friend who is pretty much in love with her, she knows this and takes advantage of him. Accepts expensive gifts and uses himfor lifts when she wants to go oout anddrink but is quick to pull him down in public if he dares to have an opinion different to his.

I think iI need to distance myself from her

Op am I not the only 'bitch' as I was called up thread getting 'lessons from my sister'.

Speak to her if it's upsetting you....clear the air.

My brother and I have "banter" he is 43 I am 51. He teases me about my height as I'm the smallest in the family even my kids are Giants and teases me about being his little big sister but there is an affection in the voice and we laugh. I wonder OP if it's the way she says things too. Some of the things don't sound too bad but if you are always on the receiving end of this chip, chip, chip at your music taste, your walking speed it would get me down.

I don't think you sound hard work, you just need a more sensitive big sister.

I already explained that I have self esteem issues, I also have anxiety and depression.
I overheard my mum telling a friend that she preferred my dsis to me whenI was I 16. Perhaps this is where my insecurities lie.

i think you either need to snark back comments / completely blank her when she makes them / look at her as if she is a bit simple, shake head and carry on doing whatever you were doing before / or keep doing what you are doing now (nothing and getting hurt)

looking at her a bit confused and as if she said something that makes her look simple is what i would do, will bug the fuck out of her (bitch)

I think it all boils down to the tone of voice she uses because what you've written down that she says doesn't sound that bad.

Me again. I'm sorry, I'm going to sound quite harsh. I was very suprised to read your age, you sound a lot younger. Nothing I have read since seems like your sister is deliberately being horrible, on the contrary you seem to try and find a negative in anything she says to you. However if you can't be an adult and talk to her, then yes it's probably best you distance yourself to avoid any more bad feelings/embarrassment. For someone who doesn't like how her sister judges her, you seem fine to make bigger judgments on her life or so it reads.

kaylasmum, you are right there is a difference between banter and criticism. And sometimes criticism can be like death of 1000 cuts in that it's not particularly harsh, but it is relentless. And also, tone cannot be communicated over mumsnet so the impact can be difficult to put into words.

The problem is that based on your previous comment about the sunglasses, you seemed to overreact. Also, I don't think I've ever had a meal where someone ate pizza with a knife and fork and someone else didn't jokingly comment on it. These are just super generic comments. I'm guessing her criticizing the way you walk was her telling you to "hurry up" when you were walking slower than her?

Look, I have two sisters. We are all adults. Somehow, when the whole family gets together, we all turn into teenagers again. We happened to get on well as teenagers but we are definitely more snipey and rude than we would be to our friends. It just sort of happens! Family dynamics are hard to overcome and we all play our part. My guess is that you come in defensive and she comes in prickly. You should bring it up but try to do so without bringing 10 years of anger to the table. I know mumsnet doesn't generally agree with this as it is ltb about all relationships for any reason, but good family relationships are precious. You said you get on well generally, don't take that for granted.

I wish there was affection in her voice, there is only ridicule

Why don't you slowly ask her "who do you think you are?" And wait for her answer with curiosity.

She may feel she's in charge somehow and is playing being the parent....
This is a trap for her as much as you?

A quick "did you mean to be so rude?" might work as well if she keeps it up.

Fwiw, I think you need to address your health issues. I'm very teary if I haven't got my blood sugar levels right, and you should talk with your GP to check that you aren't pre diabetic.

You talk a lot about your DP and the decisions he makes for you, and I feel that you need to find your own voice.
I feel for you, but it's time to take control, move into adulthood, and drop the little sister / compliant partner role. Counselling might be of help as these patterns sound very entrenched.

I'm sure once your health and boundaries are sorted out, you'll find the comments don't find a target, and you'll feel better in yourself.

Why do you think that I make judgement on her life? Also not sure how you think I sound younger than my age. I am q mother of 5, my eldest dc is 30 yo. My family is my life.

I admit that I'm oversensitive, always have been. I don't mind a bit of friendly banter but when its relentless down putting its harder to accept.

Slightly off the wall suggestion. Have you tried agreeing with her rather than fighting back. This doesn't mean you actually agree with her but its a way of undermining her comments.

e.g. Look at you posing in your sunglasses - yeah don't we look fab.
You've got crap taste in music - you reckon, wait until you find out what I am going to make you listen to tonight!

Its very hard for her to follow up without exposing herself as a complete bitch. Its based on a technique called fogging.

It's what you said about her friend that sounded very judgmental to me. And by quite young, I mean the things describe sound like an argument between teens/young adults. You're both near enough middle aged, have you not tried addressing these issues any time in the last 50 odd years? I'm not actually trying to have a go, it just I couldn't understand how it's only now you seem to be asking advice about 'standing up to her', as it were.

As mild as your sister's constant criticisms are, as innocent as any of them appear individually, the truth is, she is abusive. She learned long ago how to manipulate you into your role as the baby, the lesser, so that she can keep the role of being the big sister, the one who knows more and does things better. It sounds like because of whatever combination of personalities and parenting skills existed in your childhood home, you learned to always see yourself as lesser, well into adulthood. It is sad that no adult helped her and you to mature past this infantile stage, but you don't have to play anymore.

It is hard to react differently than you have all your life, but you can be a grown-up even if she won't. There are books, websites, and probably numerous threads here where you can seek advice on specific changes you might make. Do some research, get therapy if need be.

You might want to seek out a more sympathetic forum somewhere in relationships(?) or elsewhere on the site, for support as you learn to cope with people differently than you do now.

I'm not being judgemental, just giving a picture of the type of person she is. I don't agree with how she behaves but I don't judge her. My kids agree that she is insensitive and very selfish.

I have'nt spoken to her about this in the past as I worry that she'll go in a major huff with me, I don't want a family rift so I put up with it

I dont think you are nearly as oversensitive as you think. Sounds like you have spent much of your life being told you are oversensitive when you try to stick up for yourself. It's a bullying tactic, even if said in the nicest way.

itsnotme i think she is asking for advice now, because she's finally reached the end of her rope. Why she didnt sooner doesnt matter. Seems to me that if these things aren't sorted in childhood, or as teenagers, they continue on a low simmer once the siblings are busy adults not in constant contact. Then they boil over in middle age, when one or both are no longer wrapped up in being parents and they have more tome to be irritating/irritated.

Personally, from the whole description you have given on here, I cannot see anything beyond your older sister being able to push your buttons, and you letting her. I cannot see it as abuse or bullying, she doesn't seem to be saying you're stupid or unworthy, just teasing that is probably immature but you won't stand up to her.

However, obviously I'm just a person on the internet, reading a snippet of your life. I agree with Momagain, aibu is probably not the forum for your problem. I really hope you find the ability to stand up/talk to her though OP.

Practice some come backs OP, simple stuff that you can pop out with every time you feel that jab and you will get more confident with answering her back. "sod off" "get lost" "grow up" "bitch" just to make yourself feel like she isn't getting away with it all the time and before you know it, you'll be doing the little wiggle dance at her back as she walks away and pulling a face at her.
Don't let her get you down, she sounds awful.