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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do i call the midwife of a family member?

65 replies

MMOB · 19/01/2015 11:16

I am really confused and just want some advice! Here are some facts so I don’t drip feed:
A family member of mine is married into the forces. He is based away from their home town, so they live away. As a result, her support network is very limited. I don’t think her DH is very supportive.
She also, I think suffers from depression and anxiety, as well as I think, is a little preoccupied with her weight. This is historical and has been the case for years.

She is coming up to the last few weeks of her pregnancy with DC2. She has been extremely low throughout her pregnancy, especially of late, for example her whole facebook feed is just screaming out of low mood/depression/anxiety.

I am really worried about her. Have suggested she speaks to her midwife, but she brushes it off. I don’t speak to her often as we both have kids and life just gets in the way.
If she lived in the same town as me, I would make the time to meet with her on a regular basis, pop in and help out when DC2 arrives.
I am stuck with what to do- I have been contemplating calling her midwife. I realise midwife won’t speak to me about my family member, but I want to flag her very low mood – I only want to do this to make sure she is able to get the support she needs. I think she had undiagnosed PND with DC1 and I think she is showing many signs now. I am thinking of doing this anonymously but I don’t know why.
Do I need to mind my own business? I am just really worried about her – I don’t know what else to do. I cant talk to her DH – he is a prized $%^&!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/01/2015 14:11

When I was suffering from PND I would have been really grateful if one of my friends or family had told my midwife. I couldn't work out why I felt like I did and didn't associate how I felt with PND.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/01/2015 14:23

She may not even have anxiety and/or depression the op only thinks she does.

SorchaN · 19/01/2015 14:27

I don't think it's interfering to express concern to a healthcare professional when someone seems to be at risk of mental health problems. Part of the nature of depression is that people find it difficult to be self-aware and sometimes find it impossible to ask for help. It's still very much taboo, though, which might explain all the flaming.

Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 14:38

I don't want to put what she put on FB incase it outs either of us. Sorry.

OP posts:
capsium · 19/01/2015 14:38

SorchaN I don't think OP has had a flaming exactly. People just want to point out the implications of OP's actions, should she decide to do this. Essentially it takes the decisions over a person's health away from them (in that she will be treated differently regarding her pregnancy) on the basis of a few texts, a facebook page and the fact she is pregnant.

'Seems to be at risk' is a very subjective statement, the OP has not said she has any training in assessing who is at risk and her suspicions are the result of a few texts and this woman's facebook page. She doesn't even see her very often.

Yes, sometimes decisions like this have to be made, however I would hope more evidence would from the basis for making them. After all it could be the person who has the 'concerns' who is 'projecting' their own anxieties onto somebody else.

Hobby2014 · 19/01/2015 14:43

Haven't RTFT.
I would phone. If you knew she had a supportive DH then i wouldn't. Me & DH read up about PND so we could both look out for signs. I had him to keep an eye out for me.
If he 1. Works away and 2. Is an arse then she may need someone extra looking out for her. I think that might be you.

LetticeKnollys · 19/01/2015 15:46

I can see you mean well, but if I were her I would feel very betrayed and angry with you for going behind my back and doing this. That's just me, obviously others would feel differently as they have pointed out.

MiaowTheCat · 19/01/2015 15:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 19/01/2015 16:16

"I see so often threads about how mental health need to be talked about, how people need support etc and this thread shows the opposite."

Well, that's the thing. Ringing her for a chat about how she's feeling would be supportive. Arranging for a friend who lives close by to give her a hand with the housework would be supportive.

Going behind her back and reporting her to the authorities because you think she should have monitoring or treatment that she doesn't want *isnt

SaucyJack · 19/01/2015 16:17

isn't supportive. It's a complete invasion of her bodily autonomy and rights.

Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 16:18

I think my concern here has been forgotten about - I was posting to ask if my approach to dealing with my concern was OK, and it seems the jury is out on it.

I am still confused. I don't think she can even see herself her low mood. Like another poster said, it could be an off day. (and yes I have said think again, because I am fully aware I am not a trained professional, but this is a picture of things I have seen build over the last couple of months- which in isolation seem like a bad day here and there - once seen as a whole picture, start to highlight she is not coping too well with things and is starting to feel very anxious).

One of my biggest reservations about making contact with the MW was how she would feel - would she feel betrayed/hurt/angry etc? I guess that needs to be weighed up against her health. In all honestly, IF I did contact the midwife and she never spoke to me again, i would feel very hurt and would have lost someone i care about, but if my concerns are valid, then i know i would have acted in a way which i thought was best at the time.

MiawtheCat- even if she wasn't pregnant, I would still have the same concerns right now, and would be exploring how I could help.

OP posts:
Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 16:27

I hadn't seen contacting the MW as an invasion of her rights - that was an oversight of me. I had thought about it because I feel (again I realise I am not a processional) she needs a level of support that I am unable to offer. I also hadn't realised the MW would be unable to help.

OP posts:
capsium · 19/01/2015 16:45

OP you were unsure, with good reason, as what you were proposing does need serious consideration.

The midwife can refer, if your family member wants help. However things would have to be pretty serious for her to be given any treatment against her consent.

So what outcome were you hoping for? That she knows what help is available? You could perhaps find out this information yourself and tell her where she can get help if she seems to be anxious / not coping.

capsium · 19/01/2015 16:45

OP you were unsure, with good reason, as what you were proposing does need serious consideration.

The midwife can refer, if your family member wants help. However things would have to be pretty serious for her to be given any treatment against her consent.

So what outcome were you hoping for? That she knows what help is available? You could perhaps find out this information yourself and tell her where she can get help if she seems to be anxious / not coping.

Hobby2014 · 19/01/2015 17:02

Can you just speak to her yourself and tell her your concerns? Ask her to tell you how she's honestly feeling? Try to have a heart to heart?

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