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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do i call the midwife of a family member?

65 replies

MMOB · 19/01/2015 11:16

I am really confused and just want some advice! Here are some facts so I don’t drip feed:
A family member of mine is married into the forces. He is based away from their home town, so they live away. As a result, her support network is very limited. I don’t think her DH is very supportive.
She also, I think suffers from depression and anxiety, as well as I think, is a little preoccupied with her weight. This is historical and has been the case for years.

She is coming up to the last few weeks of her pregnancy with DC2. She has been extremely low throughout her pregnancy, especially of late, for example her whole facebook feed is just screaming out of low mood/depression/anxiety.

I am really worried about her. Have suggested she speaks to her midwife, but she brushes it off. I don’t speak to her often as we both have kids and life just gets in the way.
If she lived in the same town as me, I would make the time to meet with her on a regular basis, pop in and help out when DC2 arrives.
I am stuck with what to do- I have been contemplating calling her midwife. I realise midwife won’t speak to me about my family member, but I want to flag her very low mood – I only want to do this to make sure she is able to get the support she needs. I think she had undiagnosed PND with DC1 and I think she is showing many signs now. I am thinking of doing this anonymously but I don’t know why.
Do I need to mind my own business? I am just really worried about her – I don’t know what else to do. I cant talk to her DH – he is a prized $%^&!

OP posts:
Twiglet2015 · 19/01/2015 11:30

Hmmm it's tough but I would keep my nose out. Unless you are 100% sure she needs help or there's a risk to the baby. It's her call to ask for help really.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/01/2015 11:30

I would. You can just outline your concerns and ask the midwife not to mention that you have rung. She can take it from there.

wheresthelight · 19/01/2015 11:32

unfortunately I don't think you will be thanked for interfering however in the right place your heart is op.

I would maybe tell your friend you are worried about her and ask her if there is anything you can do to help

wishmiplass · 19/01/2015 11:35

I would flag it, although MW should be asking her about her MH at antenatal appointments too. MW won't be able to discuss your family member with you, but should listen to your concerns. Good luck. You sound very caring. x

BatteryPoweredHen · 19/01/2015 11:35

Good grief, mind your own business!

I'm really surprised you need telling tbh, are you usually this much of a busybody?

capsium · 19/01/2015 11:36

If you don't speak to her much how can you be sure she is actually feeling low?

I would only speak to the midwife if I was really absolutely sure she was actually dangerously ill because you doing this could be the cause of undue stress.

Nanny0gg · 19/01/2015 11:40

Good grief, mind your own business! I'm really surprised you need telling tbh, are you usually this much of a busybody?

Yes. How unreasonable for anyone to care and show concern for someone. Confused

Can you speak to her mum or sister at all? See what someone else in the family thinks?

CornChips · 19/01/2015 11:40

Is there any way you can go near to her for a weekend say? Then you can really talk with her, maybe help her that way.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 19/01/2015 11:40

I think mention it but ask midwife to not say it was you. Midwife will just take your concerns into account when assessing your family member.

Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 11:41

Thank you.
No I am not usually this much of a busy body at all, hence my post and name change to MMOB!
It literally is out of concern, I spoke to her mum the other day (sorry - just remembered this) and she also mentioned how low her mood was and she was struggling to cope with things.
I don't want to cause un-due stress at all - but I did get the impression the antenatal care where she is isn't really the best. She is also a plodder and not likely to mention how she is feeling even when asked - that's her nature.

OP posts:
Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 11:43

CornChips - I cant stay near her, I have two small children and am totally skint, so cant afford to get there or pay for accommodation.
Her DH is a total prized idiot - I cant bear him for an hour, let alone to stay with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
MMOB · 19/01/2015 11:45

A lot of my family are of the ilk that mental 'illness' doesn't exist. I spoke to my other cousin who was of the opinion I should just let her get on with it and that she chose the forces life.
Her mum wouldn't understand the severity of it all I don't think. I think mental health is misunderstood and still a bit of a taboo in the family.

OP posts:
PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 19/01/2015 11:46

I would phone the MW.

It's better now so she can get the help and support she needs.

capsium · 19/01/2015 11:49

The important thing is how is she likely to react?

She might actually say everything is fine and resent the 'interference'. Is she close to her mother? I think it is important not attempt to play psychiatrist yourself, only make the call if you are absolutely sure.

siiiiiiiiigh · 19/01/2015 11:56

I think your plan is a good one.

You don't need to be sure, you're not able to make a diagnosis. You are, however, able to spot mood changes and signs that she may not recognise herself, or actively hides from her MW.

All you're doing is asking for MW to review carefully. MW will respect your request for confidentiality.

To be perfectly honest, if any of my family members had acted on their concerns when I had PND then perhaps I'd have become less unwell than I did.

There's no shame in mental illness. If she was covered in a rash or had a broken limb you'd encourage her to get a medical review. I think you are very caring.

drudgetrudy · 19/01/2015 11:59

However well you mean don't go behind her back without discussing it with her unless it is so extreme that you are aware that she is a risk to herself. She is likely to resent your interference.
I would try phoning her and talking to her directly about why you are concerned and see if she can be persuaded to ask for help.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 19/01/2015 12:02

There may also be support services offered by the military - you could see if anyone on forces sweethearts (a thread in the "In the Club" section) could give you some pointers. You could perhaps suggest that to her?

SaucyJack · 19/01/2015 12:05

Person with depression in "showing signs of being depressed shocker"

What are you hoping to achieve? You know she has depression anyway so why is it notable that she appears depressed?

Chronic mental illness is a complex problem that is extremely unlikely to be helped or solved by a busybody family member mentioning it to someone who has no specialism in that field.

Johnogroats · 19/01/2015 12:05

Why not post on forces sweethearts ? Life in the forces can be difficult, but there are other people that you could contact on the base. I would suggest the Padre ( even if you don't do religion) or maybe he/ she might know someone?

wishmiplass · 19/01/2015 12:07

I personally don't think you have to discuss it with her first if you're going to call the MW anyway.

If you discuss it with her and she says not to call the MW (you've already said she brushes it off), then you're kind of stuck, as you'll be going directly against her wishes (and potentially making her feel more isolated).

The fact that you'll be contacting the MW in confidence won't actually affect your family member. It will just put her on the radar for monitoring purposes.

wishmiplass · 19/01/2015 12:10

Saucy When I had antenatal appointments recently, MW talked about my mental health at each one. I think MH is monitored throughout all pgs more now, so MWs can refer if necessary.

Primaryteach87 · 19/01/2015 12:10

I would not contact anyone in the forces. It's a very close community and it's her private medical information. Tbh I'd be livid if someone did that to me.
I think it would be fine to ring the midwife and say you're worried she's feeling low and not getting much support. Don't tell them she is depressed or has MH problems - that's not for you to say. Hopefully they will have a chat with her and help her get some decent support.
Tread carefully.

Fanfeckintastic · 19/01/2015 12:14

You've said you don't think her DH is very supportive, you think she suffers from depression, you think she's preoccupied with her weight, you think she had undiagnosed PND.

And you're basing all this on her Facebook posts, you said to don't see or speak to her much Confused

littlejohnnydory · 19/01/2015 12:17

I absolutely wouldn't. You don't sound like a busybody, you sound as though you really want to help. But I really do think that your relative deserves to be treated with respect and that if you are concerned enough to believe that the midwife needs to know, you should explain to her why you feel the need to contact them and not let her make that decision for herself.

Also be aware that your phone call is unlikely to result in your relative being helped. The midwife is not a specialist in mental health and even if you get a good one who has some knowledge and sensitivity, there is little they can do if your relative won't acknowledge it or willingly accept help.

How would you feel if a family member contacted healthcare professionals without telling you? I think the best thing you can do is keep encouraging her to talk to someone for herself, unless you are seriously concerned for her safety.

SaucyJack · 19/01/2015 12:22

Yes I know wish. Been there, done that meself.

But being "monitored" by someone who doesn't know their arse from their elbow in that medical field and is just ticking boxes is less than useless.

They can refer you, but if you don't want to go then they can't make you.

If you're concerned about someone, talk to them. Telling tales to the authorities is about the worst thing you can do.